Among the various good and bad qualities incident to our nature, I am
unfortunately that being overstocked with the one called bashfulness;
for you most know, I inherit such an extreme susceptibility of
shame, that on the smallest subject of confusion, my blood rushes
into my cheeks, and I appear a perfect full-blown rose; in short,
I am commonly known by the appellation of "The Bashful Man." The
consciousness of this unhappy failing, made me formerly avoid that
social company, I should otherwise have been ambitious to appear in:
till at length becoming possessed of an ample fortune, by the death of
a rich old uncle, and vainly supposing that "money makes the man," I
was now determined to shake off my natural timidity, and join in the
gay throng: with this view I accepted of an invitation to dine with
one, whose open easy manner left me no room to doubt of a cordial
welcome. Sir Thomas Friendly, an intimate friend of my late uncle's,
with two sons and five daughters, all grown up, and living with their
mother and a maiden sister of Sir Thomas's. Conscious of my unpolished
gait, I for some time took private lessons of a professor, who teaches
"grown gentlemen to dance." Having by this means acquired the art
of walking without tottering, and learning to make a bow, I boldly
ventured to obey the baronet's invitation to a family dinner, not
doubting but my new acquirements would enable me to see the ladies
with tolerable intrepidity but, alas! how vain are all the hopes of
theory, when unsupported by habitual practice. As I approached the
house, a dinner-bell alarmed my fears, lest I had spoiled the dinner
by want of punctuality; impressed with this idea, I blushed the
deepest crimson, as my name was repeatedly announced by the several
livery-servants, who ushered me into the library, hardly knowing what
or whom I saw. At my first entrance, I summoned all my fortitude,
and made my new-learnt bow to Lady Friendly; but, unfortunately, in
bringing my left foot to the third position, I trod upon the gouty
toe of poor Sir Thomas, who had followed close to my heels, to be
the nomenclator of the family. The confusion this occasioned in me
is hardly to be conceived, since none but bashful men can judge of
my distress; and of that description, the number, I believe, is very
small. The baronet's politeness, by degrees, dissipated my concern,
and I was astonished to see how far good breeding could enable him
to support his feelings, and to appear with perfect ease, after so
painful an accident.
The cheerfulness of her ladyship, and the familiar chat of the young
ladies, insensibly led me to throw off my reserve and sheepishness,
till, at length, I ventured to join in conversation, and even to
start fresh subjects. The library being richly furnished with books
in elegant bindings, and observing an edition of Xenophon, in sixteen
volumes, which (as I had never before heard of) greatly excited my
curiosity. I rose up to examine what it could be; Sir Thomas saw what
I was about, and, as I suppose, willing to save me the trouble, rose
to take down the book, which made me more eager to prevent him; and
hastily laying my hand on the first volume, I pulled it forcibly; but,
lo! instead of books, a board, which by leather and gilding had been
made to look like sixteen volumes, came tumbling down, and unluckily
pitched upon a Wedgewood inkstand on the table, under it. In vain did
Sir Thomas assure me, there was no harm; I saw the ink streaming from
an inlaid table on the Turkey carpet, and, scarce knowing what I did,
I attempted to stop its progress with my cambric handkerchief. In the
height of this confusion, we were informed that dinner was served up,
and I with joy perceived that the bell, which at first had so alarmed
my fears, was only the half-hour dinner-bell.
In walking through the hall and suite of apartments to the
dining-room, I had time to collect my scattered senses, and was
desired to take my seat between Lady Friendly and her eldest
daughter, at the table. Since the fall of the wooden Xenophon, my
face had been continually burning, like a firebrand; and I was just
beginning to recover myself, and to feel comfortably cool, when an
unlooked-for accident rekindled all my heat and blushes. Having set my
plate of soup too near the edge of the table, in bowing to Miss Dinah,
who politely complimented the pattern of my waistcoat, I tumbled the
whole scalding contents into my lap. In spite of an immediate supply
of napkins to wipe the surface of my clothes, my black silk breeches
were not stout enough to save me from the painful effects of this
sudden fomentation, and for some minutes my legs and thighs seemed
stewing in a boiling caldron; but recollecting how Sir Thomas had
disguised his torture, when I trod upon his toe, I firmly bore my pain
in silence, and sat with my lower extremities parboiled, amidst the
stifled giggling of the ladies and servants.
I will not relate the several blunders which I made during the first
course, or the distress occasioned by my being desired to carve
a fowl, or help to various dishes that stood near me, spilling a
sauce-boat, and knocking down a salt-cellar; rather let me hasten to
the second course, "where fresh disasters overwhelmed me quite."
I had a piece of rich sweet pudding on my fork, when Miss Louisa
Friendly begged to trouble me for a pigeon that stood near me. In
my haste, scarcely knowing what I did, I whipped the pudding into
my mouth, hot as a burning coal; it was impossible to conceal my
agony--my eyes were starting from their sockets. At last, in spite of
shame and resolution, I was obliged to drop the cause of my torment on
my plate. Sir Thomas and the ladies all compassionated my misfortune,
and each advised a different application; one recommended oil, another
water, but all agreed that wine was the best for drawing out fire,
and a glass of sherry was brought me from the side-board, which I
snatched up with eagerness: but, oh! how shall I tell the sequel?
whether the butler by accident mistook, or purposely designed to drive
me mad, he gave me the strongest brandy, with which I filled my mouth,
already flayed and blistered. Totally unused to ardent spirits, with
my tongue, throat, and palate as raw as beef, what could I do? I could
not swallow; but clapping my hands upon my mouth, the cursed liquor
squirted through my nose and fingers like a fountain, over all the
dishes; and I, crushed by bursts of laughter from all quarters. In
vain did Sir Thomas reprimand the servants, and Lady Friendly chide
her daughters; for the measure of my shame and their diversion was not
yet complete. To relieve me from the intolerable state of perspiration
which this accident had caused, without considering what I did, I
wiped my face with that ill-fated handkerchief, which was still wet
from the consequences of the fall of Xenophon, and covered all my
features with streaks of ink in every direction. The baronet himself
could not support this shock, but joined his lady in the general
laugh; while I sprung from the table in despair, rushed out of the
house, and ran home in an agony of confusion and disgrace, which the
most poignant sense of guilt could have excited.
Thus, without having deviated from the path of moral rectitude, I am
suffering torments like a "goblin damned." The lower half of me has
been almost boiled, my tongue and mouth grilled, and I bear the mark
of Cain upon my forehead; yet these are but trifling considerations,
to the everlasting shame which I must feel, whenever this adventure
shall be mentioned. Perhaps, by your assistance, when my neighbors
know how much I feel on the occasion, they will spare a bashful man,
and, as I am just informed my poultice is ready, I trust you will
excuse the haste in which I retire.