Oh, lirripi-dumple-day! I was born out Barnsbury way,
An' I cut my heye-teeth early, you can bet,--
You can bet!
I 'ad 'ardly took to socks, when I mounted on the box,
And larnt to tyke it smilin', dry or wet,--
Dry _or_ wet!
Me nyme is BOB FITZGIBBONS. I've a light 'and on the ribbons,
And mates christened me the Piccadilly Pup,--
Dilly Pup.
With my smart snuff-coloured bowler, and my natty button-'oler,
I arnser to the cry of Hansom Up!--
_Hansom Up!!_
_Hansom-Up!_ Ah, that's the word. It's our war-cry wot is 'eard
From Putney up to pleasant Pentonville,--
Pentonville.
And then I'm on the chivvy! Lardy toff or mild old mivvey
I can drive with demon dash or cautious skill,--
Careful skill.
For the pace that takes yer dandy, when the Four Hexpress is 'andy,
Will scare old Mother MIGGS and 'er pug-pup,--
Puffy pup!
And to take it 'ot or easy, as the hasphalte's dry or greasy,
Is the diplymattic dodge of Hansom Up!--
Hansom Up!
For to tool a dashing Forder, rubber-tyred an' all in order,
With hivory quizzing-glass an' reading-lamp,--
Glass and lamp,
I can tell yer's none so dusty. Yer old Growler's fare is crusty,
With a bloomin' bottle nose, or bulgin' gamp,--
Green old gamp.
But a pair o' smart swell mashes, trim merstache an' long heye-lashes,
A-drivin' to the Hopera, _or_ to sup,--
Spoon and sup,
Is a mighty diff'rent matter, an' yer drives up clitter-clatter,
When you 'ears the Capting's 'orty Hansom Up!--
Hansom _Up!_
Ah! to twig 'em tittivating in the mirrors, while you're waiting
For the Bobby in a Piccadilly block,--
Dilly block.
Or a-dabbin' lips and noses with soft puffs, as smells o' roses,
Or a readin' yaller books as some might shock,--
Scare or shock,
Is particularly funny, and sech fares means--mostly--money.
Wy sometimes yer'll git a tip for Stakes or Cup,--
Stakes or Cup,
From a covert-coated dandy, or a weed or nip of brandy,
When there's _winning_ in 'is 'ail of Hansom Up!--
Hansom Up!
Oh, Rads may talk of Ransom, but give me a dashing Hansom,
A silk topper, and a decent run of luck,--
Cabby's luck;
With a bay 'oss to my liking, and you won't ketch _me_ a striking,
Not without good cause, as some old pals 'ave struck,--
Lately struck.
Things may go a trifle 'ard 'twixt bad weather and the yard,
But _that_ won't knock out the Piccadilly Pup,--
Dilly Pup.
On my "SHREWSBURY and TALBOT," I'm as right as rain--or _all_ but,--
And there's music in the 'ail of Hansom Up!--
Hansom _Up!_
"_Hansom Up!_" I can tell yer, was chorussed a good 'un, and took most tremenjous. Collection that night--
For a broken-down Growler a-twist with rheumatics--was somethink to brim 'is wife's heyes with delight.
Oh, charity's charity, _but_ when a Princess presides there's a extry strong pull at yer purse.
And ditto with 'armony! That's 'uman nature; we're just built that way--an' _it might'a' bin worse!_
* * * * *
"AFTER THE PLAY IS OVER."
SCENE--_Smoking-room of recently re-opened Old-Established
Club. Members discovered partaking of light refreshments._
_First Member_ (_sipping a lemon squash_). Yes, the Royalty is
decidedly improved in appearance, and the audience, too, is quite up
to the standard of the old _Ixion plus Black-eyed Susan_ days. Quite a
pretty house, and quite a distinguished set in the auditorium.
_Second Mem._ (_lighting a cigarette_). And the play?
_First Mem._ Distinctly amusing. Both BOURCHIER and his wife
excellent, and KATE PHILLIPS, as a sorrow-stricken cook,
capital. Not quite sure whether it would not have been better to have
left _M. le Directeur_ in France. He was there to the manner born; but
in England--well, to put it plainly, the Home Office in Soho is not in
the least like the Home Office in Whitehall.
_Third Mem._ (_finishing a glass of "improved" soda water_). But is it
intended to be?
_Second Mem._ I don't know, but a good many of the audience (presumably
the gentlemen of the pit and gallery) will adopt the assumption. After
all, to be a member of the Civil Service is something, even in these
degenerate days. The sketch of official life in Soho will not enhance
the dignity of the--shall we call it?--profession. But concede that
the local colouring is appropriate, and _The Chili Widow_ is simply
first-rate.
_Third Mem._ Better than _Bogey_ at the St. James's?
_Second Mem._ So I have been told. And how about the Garrick?
_First Mem._ _Alabama_, with WILLARD. Not particularly
exciting. We know how good a man the popular actor can be, but
for stage purposes he is much more pleasing as a villain. And
TOOLE is back again in his own theatre?
_Second Mem._ So I have been told. If, as report has it, the visit is
to say farewell, it will be a sad one. Take it all round, there is no
better actor in the world than the hero of _Ici on parle Français_, and
the embodiment of _Pau Claudian_.
_First Mem._ I quite agree with you. Has any one been to see _India_ at
Earl's Court?
_Third Mem._ I have. About as fine a spectacle as they make them. The
Empress Theatre, worthy of its name--the entertainment appropriate to
its surroundings. Quite eclipses Olympia in its most prosperous days.
And if you want to see how a few scraps of waste land can be converted
into a region of gardens, museums, theatres, and palaces, just mount
the Great Wheel, and look down upon the scene below you.
[_Enter the_ Waiter, _when the chat about things theatrical is
interrupted by orders for cooling and other drinks. Curtain._
* * * * *
[Illustration: STILL IN THE HONEYMOON.
_Angelina._ "AND YOU _WON'T_ FORGET TO BUY A TIN OF COCOATINA."
[_Edwin ties a knot in his pocket-handkerchief._
_Angelina._ "AND YOU _WON'T_ FORGET TO CALL AND SEE DEAR
MAMMA."
[_Edwin ties another knot in his pocket-handkerchief._
_Angelina._ "AND OH, EDWIN DEAR, YOU WON'T, YOU _WON'T_ FORGET
TO THINK SOMETIMES OF YOUR POOR LITTLE WIFE, LEFT ALL ALONE FOR THE
DAY!"
[_Edwin ties a THIRD knot in his pocket-handkerchief._ ]
* * * * *