The struggle for admission to college was ended, and I could now enter
Radcliffe whenever I pleased. Before I entered college, however, it was
thought best that I should study another year under Mr. Keith. It was
not, therefore, until the fall of 1900 that my dream of going to college
was realized.
I remember my first day at Radcliffe. It was a day full of interest
for me. I had looked forward to it for years. A potent force within
me, stronger than the persuasion of my friends, stronger even than
the pleadings of my heart, had impelled me to try my strength by the
standards of those who see and hear. I knew that there were obstacles
in the way; but I was eager to overcome them. I had taken to heart the
words of the wise Roman who said, "To be banished from Rome is but to
live outside of Rome." Debarred from the great highways of knowledge,
I was compelled to make the journey across country by unfrequented
roads--that was all; and I knew that in college there were many bypaths
where I could touch hands with girls who were thinking, loving and
struggling like me.
I began my studies with eagerness. Before me I saw a new world opening
in beauty and light, and I felt within me the capacity to know all
things. In the wonderland of Mind I should be as free as another. Its
people, scenery, manners, joys, tragedies should be living, tangible
interpreters of the real world. The lecture-halls seemed filled with the
spirit of the great and the wise, and I thought the professors were
the embodiment of wisdom. If I have since learned differently, I am not
going to tell anybody.
But I soon discovered that college was not quite the romantic lyceum
I had imagined. Many of the dreams that had delighted my young
inexperience became beautifully less and "faded into the light of common
day." Gradually I began to find that there were disadvantages in going
to college.
The one I felt and still feel most is lack of time. I used to have time
to think, to reflect, my mind and I. We would sit together of an evening
and listen to the inner melodies of the spirit, which one hears only in
leisure moments when the words of some loved poet touch a deep, sweet
chord in the soul that until then had been silent. But in college there
is no time to commune with one's thoughts. One goes to college to learn,
it seems, not to think. When one enters the portals of learning, one
leaves the dearest pleasures--solitude, books and imagination--outside
with the whispering pines. I suppose I ought to find some comfort in
the thought that I am laying up treasures for future enjoyment, but I
am improvident enough to prefer present joy to hoarding riches against a
rainy day.
My studies the first year were French, German, history, English
composition and English literature. In the French course I read some
of the works of Corneille, Moliere, Racine, Alfred de Musset and
Sainte-Beuve, and in the German those of Goethe and Schiller. I reviewed
rapidly the whole period of history from the fall of the Roman Empire
to the eighteenth century, and in English literature studied critically
Milton's poems and "Areopagitica."
I am frequently asked how I overcome the peculiar conditions under which
I work in college. In the classroom I am of course practically alone.
The professor is as remote as if he were speaking through a telephone.
The lectures are spelled into my hand as rapidly as possible, and much
of the individuality of the lecturer is lost to me in the effort to keep
in the race. The words rush through my hand like hounds in pursuit of a
hare which they often miss. But in this respect I do not think I am much
worse off than the girls who take notes. If the mind is occupied
with the mechanical process of hearing and putting words on paper at
pell-mell speed, I should not think one could pay much attention to the
subject under consideration or the manner in which it is presented.
I cannot make notes during the lectures, because my hands are busy
listening. Usually I jot down what I can remember of them when I get
home. I write the exercises, daily themes, criticisms and hour-tests,
the mid-year and final examinations, on my typewriter, so that the
professors have no difficulty in finding out how little I know. When
I began the study of Latin prosody, I devised and explained to my
professor a system of signs indicating the different meters and
quantities.
I use the Hammond typewriter. I have tried many machines, and I find the
Hammond is the best adapted to the peculiar needs of my work. With this
machine movable type shuttles can be used, and one can have several
shuttles, each with a different set of characters--Greek, French, or
mathematical, according to the kind of writing one wishes to do on the
typewriter. Without it, I doubt if I could go to college.
Very few of the books required in the various courses are printed
for the blind, and I am obliged to have them spelled into my hand.
Consequently I need more time to prepare my lessons than other girls.
The manual part takes longer, and I have perplexities which they have
not. There are days when the close attention I must give to details
chafes my spirit, and the thought that I must spend hours reading a
few chapters, while in the world without other girls are laughing and
singing and dancing, makes me rebellious; but I soon recover my buoyancy
and laugh the discontent out of my heart. For, after all, every one who
wishes to gain true knowledge must climb the Hill Difficulty alone, and
since there is no royal road to the summit, I must zigzag it in my own
way. I slip back many times, I fall, I stand still, I run against the
edge of hidden obstacles, I lose my temper and find it again and keep
it better, I trudge on, I gain a little, I feel encouraged, I get more
eager and climb higher and begin to see the widening horizon. Every
struggle is a victory. One more effort and I reach the luminous cloud,
the blue depths of the sky, the uplands of my desire. I am not always
alone, however, in these struggles. Mr. William Wade and Mr. E. E.
Allen, Principal of the Pennsylvania Institution for the Instruction of
the Blind, get for me many of the books I need in raised print. Their
thoughtfulness has been more of a help and encouragement to me than they
can ever know.
Last year, my second year at Radcliffe, I studied English composition,
the Bible as English composition, the governments of America and Europe,
the Odes of Horace, and Latin comedy. The class in composition was the
pleasantest. It was very lively. The lectures were always interesting,
vivacious, witty; for the instructor, Mr. Charles Townsend Copeland,
more than any one else I have had until this year, brings before you
literature in all its original freshness and power. For one short hour
you are permitted to drink in the eternal beauty of the old masters
without needless interpretation or exposition. You revel in their fine
thoughts. You enjoy with all your soul the sweet thunder of the Old
Testament, forgetting the existence of Jahweh and Elohim; and you go
home feeling that you have had "a glimpse of that perfection in which
spirit and form dwell in immortal harmony; truth and beauty bearing a
new growth on the ancient stem of time."
This year is the happiest because I am studying subjects that especially
interest me, economics, Elizabethan literature, Shakespeare under
Professor George L. Kittredge, and the History of Philosophy under
Professor Josiah Royce. Through philosophy one enters with sympathy
of comprehension into the traditions of remote ages and other modes of
thought, which erewhile seemed alien and without reason.
But college is not the universal Athens I thought it was. There one does
not meet the great and the wise face to face; one does not even feel
their living touch. They are there, it is true; but they seem mummified.
We must extract them from the crannied wall of learning and dissect and
analyze them before we can be sure that we have a Milton or an Isaiah,
and not merely a clever imitation. Many scholars forget, it seems to me,
that our enjoyment of the great works of literature depends more upon
the depth of our sympathy than upon our understanding. The trouble is
that very few of their laborious explanations stick in the memory. The
mind drops them as a branch drops its overripe fruit. It is possible to
know a flower, root and stem and all, and all the processes of growth,
and yet to have no appreciation of the flower fresh bathed in heaven's
dew. Again and again I ask impatiently, "Why concern myself with these
explanations and hypotheses?" They fly hither and thither in my thought
like blind birds beating the air with ineffectual wings. I do not mean
to object to a thorough knowledge of the famous works we read. I object
only to the interminable comments and bewildering criticisms that teach
but one thing: there are as many opinions as there are men. But when a
great scholar like Professor Kittredge interprets what the master
said, it is "as if new sight were given the blind." He brings back
Shakespeare, the poet.
There are, however, times when I long to sweep away half the things I am
expected to learn; for the overtaxed mind cannot enjoy the treasure it
has secured at the greatest cost. It is impossible, I think, to read in
one day four or five different books in different languages and treating
of widely different subjects, and not lose sight of the very ends for
which one reads. When one reads hurriedly and nervously, having in mind
written tests and examinations, one's brain becomes encumbered with a
lot of choice bric-a-brac for which there seems to be little use. At the
present time my mind is so full of heterogeneous matter that I almost
despair of ever being able to put it in order. Whenever I enter the
region that was the kingdom of my mind I feel like the proverbial bull
in the china shop. A thousand odds and ends of knowledge come
crashing about my head like hailstones, and when I try to escape
them, theme-goblins and college nixies of all sorts pursue me, until
I wish--oh, may I be forgiven the wicked wish!--that I might smash the
idols I came to worship.
But the examinations are the chief bugbears of my college life. Although
I have faced them many times and cast them down and made them bite the
dust, yet they rise again and menace me with pale looks, until like Bob
Acres I feel my courage oozing out at my finger ends. The days before
these ordeals take place are spent in cramming your mind with mystic
formula and indigestible dates--unpalatable diets, until you wish that
books and science and you were buried in the depths of the sea.
At last the dreaded hour arrives, and you are a favoured being indeed
if you feel prepared, and are able at the right time to call to your
standard thoughts that will aid you in that supreme effort. It happens
too often that your trumpet call is unheeded. It is most perplexing and
exasperating that just at the moment when you need your memory and a
nice sense of discrimination, these faculties take to themselves wings
and fly away. The facts you have garnered with such infinite trouble
invariably fail you at a pinch.
"Give a brief account of Huss and his work." Huss? Who was he and what
did he do? The name looks strangely familiar. You ransack your budget
of historic facts much as you would hunt for a bit of silk in a rag-bag.
You are sure it is somewhere in your mind near the top--you saw it
there the other day when you were looking up the beginnings of the
Reformation. But where is it now? You fish out all manner of odds
and ends of knowledge--revolutions, schisms, massacres, systems of
government; but Huss--where is he? You are amazed at all the things you
know which are not on the examination paper. In desperation you seize
the budget and dump everything out, and there in a corner is your
man, serenely brooding on his own private thought, unconscious of the
catastrophe which he has brought upon you.
Just then the proctor informs you that the time is up. With a feeling of
intense disgust you kick the mass of rubbish into a corner and go home,
your head full of revolutionary schemes to abolish the divine right of
professors to ask questions without the consent of the questioned.
It comes over me that in the last two or three pages of this chapter I
have used figures which will turn the laugh against me. Ah, here they
are--the mixed metaphors mocking and strutting about before me, pointing
to the bull in the china shop assailed by hailstones and the bugbears
with pale looks, an unanalyzed species! Let them mock on. The words
describe so exactly the atmosphere of jostling, tumbling ideas I live
in that I will wink at them for once, and put on a deliberate air to say
that my ideas of college have changed.
While my days at Radcliffe were still in the future, they were encircled
with a halo of romance, which they have lost; but in the transition from
romantic to actual I have learned many things I should never have known
had I not tried the experiment. One of them is the precious science of
patience, which teaches us that we should take our education as we would
take a walk in the country, leisurely, our minds hospitably open to
impressions of every sort. Such knowledge floods the soul unseen with a
soundless tidal wave of deepening thought. "Knowledge is power."
Rather, knowledge is happiness, because to have knowledge--broad, deep
knowledge--is to know true ends from false, and lofty things from low.
To know the thoughts and deeds that have marked man's progress is to
feel the great heart-throbs of humanity through the centuries; and if
one does not feel in these pulsations a heavenward striving, one must
indeed be deaf to the harmonies of life.