IN WHICH THE DOCTOR PRESCRIBES GOING TO SCHOOL AS A REMEDY FOR A CUT
FINGER.
"Have you no idea of putting the boy to school, Mr Easy?" said Dr
Middleton, who had been summoned by a groom with his horse in a foam to
attend immediately at Forest Hill, the name of Mr Easy's mansion, and
who, upon his arrival, had found that Master Easy had cut his thumb.
One would have thought that he had cut his head off by the agitation
pervading the whole household--Mr Easy walking up and down very uneasy,
Mrs Easy with great difficulty prevented from syncope, and all the
maids bustling and passing round Mrs Easy's chair. Everybody appeared
excited except Master Jack Easy himself, who, with a rag round his
finger, and his pinafore spotted with blood, was playing at bob-cherry,
and cared nothing about the matter.
"Well, what's the matter, my little man?" said Dr Middleton, on
entering, addressing himself to Jack, as the most sensible of the whole
party.
"Oh, Dr Middleton," interrupted Mrs Easy, "he has cut his hand; I am
sure that a nerve is divided, and then the lockjaw--"
The doctor made no reply, but examined the finger: Jack Easy continued
to play bob-cherry with his right hand.
"Have you such a thing as a piece of sticking-plaster in the house,
madam?" observed the doctor, after examination.
"Oh, yes--run, Mary--run, Sarah!" In a few seconds the maids appeared,
Sarah bringing the sticking-plaster, and Mary following with the
scissors.
"Make yourself quite easy, madam," said Dr Middleton, after he put on
the plaster, "I will answer for no evil consequences."
"Had I not better take him upstairs, and let him lie down a little?"
replied Mrs Easy, slipping a guinea into the doctor's hand.
"It is not absolutely requisite, madam," said the doctor; "but at all
events he will be kept out of more mischief."
"Come, my dear, you hear what Dr Middleton says."
"Yes, I heard," replied Jack; "but I shan't go."
"My dear Johnny--come, love--now do, my dear Johnny."
Johnny played bob-cherry, and made no answer.
"Come, Master Johnny," said Sarah.
"Go away, Sarah," said Johnny, with a back-hander.
"Oh, fie, Master Johnny!" said Mary.
"Johnny, my love," said Mrs Easy, in a coaxing tone, "come now--will
you go?"
"I'll go in the garden and get some more cherries," replied Master
Johnny.
"Come, then, love, we will go into the garden." Master Johnny jumped
off his chair, and took his mamma by the hand.
"What a dear, good, obedient child it is!" exclaimed Mrs Easy: "you may
lead him with a thread."
"Yes, to pick cherries," thought Dr Middleton. Mrs Easy, and Johnny,
and Sarah, and Mary went into the garden, leaving Dr Middleton alone
with Mr Easy, who had been silent during this scene. Now Dr Middleton
was a clever, sensible man, who had no wish to impose upon any one. As
for his taking a guinea for putting on a piece of sticking-plaster, his
conscience was very easy on that score. His time was equally valuable,
whether he were employed for something or nothing; and, moreover, he
attended the poor gratis. Constantly in the house, he had seen much of
Mr John Easy, and perceived that he was a courageous, decided boy, of a
naturally good disposition; but from the idiosyncrasy of the father and
the doting folly of the mother, in a sure way of being spoiled. As
soon, therefore, as the lady was out of hearing, he took a chair, and
made the query at the commencement of the chapter, which we shall now
repeat.
"Have you no idea of putting the boy to school, Mr Easy?"
Mr Easy crossed his legs, and clasped his hands together over his
knees, as he always did when he was about to commence an argument.
"The great objection that I have to sending a boy to school, Dr
Middleton, is, that I conceive that the discipline enforced is, not only
contrary to the rights of man, but also in opposition to all sound sense
and common judgment. Not content with punishment, which is in itself
erroneous and an infringement of social justice, they even degrade the
minds of the boys still more by applying punishment to the most degraded
part, adding contumely to tyranny. Of course it is intended that a boy
who is sent to school should gain by precept and example but is he to
learn benevolence by the angry look and the flourish of the vindictive
birch--or forbearance by the cruelty of the ushers--or patience, when
the masters over him are out of all patience--or modesty, when his
nether parts are exposed to general examination? Is he not daily
reading a lesson at variance with that equality which we all possess,
but of which we are unjustly deprived? Why should there be a
distinction between the flogger and the flogged? Are they not both
fashioned alike after God's image, endowed with the same reason, having
an equal right to what the world offers, and which was intended by
Providence to be equally distributed? Is it not that the sacred
inheritance of all, which has tyrannously and impiously been ravished
from the many for the benefit of the few, and which ravishment, from
long custom of iniquity and inculcation of false precepts, has too long
been basely submitted to? Is it not the duty of a father to preserve
his only son from imbibing these dangerous and debasing errors, which
will render him only one of a vile herd who are content to suffer,
provided that they live? And yet are not these very errors inculcated
at school, and impressed upon their mind inversely by the birch? Do not
they there receive their first lesson in slavery with the first lesson
in A B C; and are not their minds thereby prostrated, so as never to
rise again, but ever to bow to despotism, to cringe to rank, to think
and act by the precepts of others, and to tacitly disavow that sacred
equality which is our birthright? No, sir, without they can teach
without resorting to such a fundamental error as flogging, my boy shall
never go to school."
And Mr Easy threw himself back in his chair, imagining, like all
philosophers, that he had said something very clever.
Dr Middleton knew his man, and therefore patiently waited until he had
exhausted his oratory.
"I will grant," said the doctor at last, "that all you say may have
great truth in it; but, Mr Easy, do you not think that by not
permitting a boy to be educated, you allow him to remain more open to
that very error of which you speak? It is only education which will
conquer prejudice, and enable a man to break through the trammels of
custom. Now, allowing that the birch is used, yet it is at a period
when the young mind is so elastic as to soon become indifferent; and
after he has attained the usual rudiments of education, you will then
find him prepared to receive those lessons which you can yourself
instil."
"I will teach him everything myself," replied Mr Easy, folding his arms
consequentially and determinedly.
"I do not doubt your capability, Mr Easy; but unfortunately you will
always have a difficulty which you never can get over. Excuse me, I
know what you are capable of, and the boy would indeed be happy with
such a preceptor, but--if I must speak plain--you must be aware as well
as I am, that the maternal fondness of Mrs Easy will always be a bar to
your intention. He is already so spoiled by her, that he will not obey;
and without obedience you cannot inculcate."
"I grant, my dear sir, that there is a difficulty on that point; but
maternal weakness must then be overcome by paternal severity."
"May I ask how, Mr Easy, for it appears to be impossible?"
"Impossible! By heavens, I'll make him obey, or I'll--" Here Mr Easy
stopped before the word "flog" was fairly out of his mouth--"I'll know
the reason why, Dr Middleton."
Dr Middleton checked his inclination to laugh, and replied, "That you
would hit upon some scheme, by which you would obtain the necessary
power over him, I have no doubt; but what will be the consequence? The
boy will consider his mother as a protector, and you as a tyrant. He
will have an aversion to you, and with that aversion he will never pay
respect and attention to your valuable precepts when he arrives at an
age to understand them. Now it appears to me that this difficulty which
you have raised may be got over. I know a very worthy clergyman who
does not use the birch; but I will write, and put the direct question to
him; and then if your boy is removed from the danger arising from Mrs
Easy's over-indulgence, in a short time he will be ready for your more
important tuition."
"I think," replied Mr Easy, after a pause, "that what you say merits
consideration. I acknowledge that in consequence of Mrs Easy's
nonsensical indulgence, the boy is unruly, and will not obey me at
present; and if your friend does not apply the rod, I will think
seriously of sending my son John to him to learn the elements."
The doctor had gained his point by flattering the philosopher.
In a day he returned with a letter from the pedagogue in answer to one
supposed to be sent to him, in which the use of the birch was
indignantly disclaimed, and Mr Easy announced to his wife, when they
met that day at tea-time, his intentions with regard to his son John.
"To school, Mr Easy? what, send Johnny to school! a mere infant to
school!"
"Surely, my dear, you must be aware that at nine years it is high time
that he learned to read."
"Why he almost reads already, Mr Easy; surely I can teach him that.
Does he not, Sarah?"
"Lord bless him, yes, ma'am, he was saying his letters yesterday."
"Oh, Mr Easy, what can have put this in your head? Johnny dear, come
here--tell me now what's the letter A. You were singing it in the
garden this morning."
"I want some sugar," replied Johnny, stretching his arm over the table
to the sugar-basin, which was out of his reach.
"Well, my love, you shall have a great lump if you will tell me what's
the letter A."
"A was an archer, and shot at a frog," replied Johnny, in a surly tone.
"There now, Mr Easy; and he can go through the whole alphabet--can't
he, Sarah?"
"That he can, the dear--can't you, Johnny dear?"
"No," replied Johnny.
"Yes, you can, my love; you know what's the letter B. Now don't you?"
"Yes," replied Johnny.
"There, Mr Easy, you see what the boy knows, and how obedient he is
too. Come, Johnny dear, tell us what was B."
"No, I won't," replied Johnny, "I want some more sugar;" and Johnny, who
had climbed on a chair, spread himself over the table to reach it.
"Mercy! Sarah, pull him off--he'll upset the urn," screamed Mrs Easy.
Sarah caught hold of Johnny by the loins to pull him back, but Johnny,
resisting the interference, turned round on his back as he lay on the
table, and kicked Sarah in the face, just as she made another desperate
grasp at him. The rebound from the kick, given as he lay on a smooth
mahogany table, brought Johnny's head in contact with the urn, which was
upset in the opposite direction, and, notwithstanding a rapid movement
on the part of Mr Easy, he received a sufficient portion of boiling
liquid on his legs to scald him severely, and induce him to stamp and
swear in a very unphilosophical way. In the meantime Sarah and Mrs
Easy had caught up Johnny, and were both holding him at the same time,
exclaiming and lamenting. The pain of the scald and the indifference
shown towards him were too much for Mr Easy's temper to put up with.
He snatched Johnny out of their arms, and, quite forgetting his equality
and rights of man, belaboured him without mercy. Sarah flew in to
interfere, and received a blow which not only made her see a thousand
stars, but sent her reeling on the floor. Mrs Easy went off into
hysterics, and Johnny howled so as to be heard at a quarter of a mile.
How long Mr Easy would have continued it is impossible to say; but the
door opened, and Mr Easy looked up while still administering the
punishment, and perceived Dr Middleton in mute astonishment. He had
promised to come in to tea, and enforce Mr Easy's arguments, if it were
necessary; but it certainly appeared to him that in the argument which
Mr Easy was then enforcing, he required no assistance. However, at the
entrance of Dr Middleton, Johnny was dropped, and lay roaring on the
floor; Sarah, too, remained where she had been floored, Mrs Easy had
rolled on the floor, the urn was also on the floor, and Mr Easy,
although not floored, had not a leg to stand upon.
Never did a medical man look in more opportunely. Mr Easy at first was
not certainly of that opinion, but his legs became so painful that he
soon became a convert.
Dr Middleton, as in duty bound, first picked up Mrs Easy, and laid her
on the sofa. Sarah rose, picked up Johnny, and carried him kicking and
roaring out of the room; in return for which attention she received
sundry bites. The footman, who had announced the doctor, picked up the
urn, that being all that was in his department. Mr Easy threw himself
panting and in agony on the other sofa, and Dr Middleton was
excessively embarrassed how to act: he perceived that Mr Easy required
his assistance, and that Mrs Easy could do without it; but how to leave
a lady who was half really and half pretendedly in hysterics, was
difficult; for if he attempted to leave her, she kicked and flounced,
and burst out the more. At last Dr Middleton rang the bell, which
brought the footman, who summoned all the maids, who carried Mrs Easy
upstairs, and then the doctor was able to attend to the only patient who
really required his assistance. Mr Easy explained the affair in a few
words broken into ejaculations from pain, as the doctor removed his
stockings. From the applications of Dr Middleton, Mr Easy soon
obtained bodily relief; but what annoyed him still more than his scalded
legs, was the doctor having been a witness to his infringement of the
equality and rights of man. Dr Middleton perceived this, and he knew
also how to pour balm into that wound.
"My dear Mr Easy, I am very sorry that you have had this accident, for
which you are indebted to Mrs Easy's foolish indulgence of the boy; but
I am glad to perceive that you have taken up those parental duties which
are inculcated by the Scriptures. Solomon says, `that he who spares the
rod, spoils the child,' thereby implying that it is the duty of a father
to correct his children, and in a father, the so doing does not
interfere with the rights of man, or any natural equality, for the son
being a part or portion of the father, he is correcting his own self
only; and the proof of it is, that a father, in punishing his own son,
feels as much pain in so doing as if he were himself punished. It is,
therefore, nothing but self-discipline, which is strictly enjoined us by
the Scriptures."
"That is exactly my opinion," replied Mr Easy, comforted at the doctor
having so logically got him out of the scrape. "But--he shall go to
school tomorrow, that I'm determined on."
"He will have to thank Mrs Easy for that," replied the doctor.
"Exactly," replied Mr Easy. "Doctor, my legs are getting very hot
again."
"Continue to bathe them with the vinegar and water, Mr Easy, until I
send you an embrocation, which will give you immediate relief. I will
call tomorrow. By-the-bye, I am to see a little patient at Mr
Bonnycastle's: if it is any accommodation, I will take your son with
me."
"It will be a great accommodation, doctor," replied Mr Easy.
"Then, my dear sir, I will just go up and see how Mrs Easy is, and
to-morrow I will call at ten. I can wait an hour. Good-night."
"Good-night, doctor."
The doctor had his game to play with Mrs Easy. He magnified her
husband's accident--he magnified his wrath, and advised her by no means
to say one word, until he was well, and more pacified. The next day he
repeated this dose, and, in spite of the ejaculations of Sarah, and the
tears of Mrs Easy, who dared not venture to plead her cause, and the
violent resistance of Master Johnny, who appeared to have a presentiment
of what was to come, our hero was put into Dr Middleton's chariot, and
with the exception of one plate of glass, which he kicked out of the
window with his feet, and for which feat, the doctor, now that he had
him all to himself, boxed his ears till he was nearly blind, he was,
without any further eventful occurrence, carried by the doctor's footman
into the parlour of Mr Bonnycastle.