I INDULGE IN PLAIN LANGUAGE
The door creaked villainously. The gaunt, ecclesiastical tails of my
borrowed frock coat were on the verge of being safely outside with me
when she cried out. Whereupon I swiftly transposed myself, and stuck
my head through the half-open door.
"Oh, it's you!" she cried, in a quavery voice. She was leaning forward
in the chair, her eyes wide open and eager.
I advanced into the room. A look of doubt sprang into her face. She
stared for a moment and then rather piteously rubbed her eyes.
"Yes, it is I," said I, spreading my arms in such a way that my hands
emerged from the confines of Poopendyke's sleeves. (Upon my word, I
had no idea that he was so much longer than I!) "It is still I,
Countess, despite the shrinkage."
"The shrinkage?" she murmured, slowly sliding out of the chair. As she
unbent her cramped leg, she made a little grimace of pain, but smiled
as she limped toward me, her hand extended.
"Yes, I always shrink when I get wet," I explained, resorting to
facetiousness.
Then I bent over her hand and kissed it. As I neglected to release it
at once, the cuff of Poopendyke's best coat slid down over our two
hands, completely enveloping them. It was too much for me to stand.
I squeezed her hand with painful fervour, and then released it in
trepidation.
"Poopendyke goes to church in it," I said vaguely, leaving her to guess
what it was that Poopendyke went to church in, or, perhaps, knowing
what I meant, how I happened to be in it for the time being. "You've
been crying!"
Her eyes were red and suspiciously moist.
As she met my concerned gaze, a wavering, whimsical smile crept into
her face.
"It has been a disgustingly wet night," she said. "Oh, you don't know
how happy I am to see you standing here once more, safe and sound,
and--and amiable. I expected you to glower and growl and--"
"On a bright, glorious, sunshiny morning like this?" I cried. "Never!
I prefer to be graciously refulgent. Our troubles are behind us."
"How good you are." After a moment's careful, scrutiny of my face: "I
can see the traces of very black thoughts, Mr. Smart,--and recent
ones."
"They were black until I came into this room," I confessed. "Now they
are rose-tinted."
She bent her slender body a little toward me and the red seemed to
leap back into her lips as if propelled by magic. Resolutely I put my
awkward, ungainly arms behind my back, and straightened my figure. I
was curiously impressed by the discovery that I was very, very tall
and she very much smaller than my memory recorded. Of course, I had
no means of knowing that she was in bedroom slippers and not in the
customary high-heeled boots that gave her an inch and a half of false
stature.
"Your mother is here," I remarked hurriedly.
She glanced toward my bedroom door.
"Oh, what a night!" she sighed. "I did all that I could to keep her
out of your bed. It was useless. I _did_ cry, Mr. Smart. I know you must
hate all of us."
I laughed. "'Love thy neighbour as thyself,'" I quoted. "You are my
neighbour, Countess; don't forget that. And it so happens that your
mother is also my neighbour at present, and your brothers too. Have
you any cousins and aunts?"
"I can't understand how any one can be so good-natured as you," she
sighed.
The crown of her head was on a level with my shoulder. Her eyes were
lowered; a faint line of distress grew between them. For a minute I
stared down at the brown crest of her head, an almost ungovernable
impulse pounding away at my sense of discretion. I do take credit unto
myself for being strong enough to resist that opportunity to make an
everlasting idiot of myself. I knew, even then, that if a similar
attack ever came upon me again I should not be able to withstand it.
It was too much to expect of mortal man. Angels might survive the test,
but not wingless man.
All this time she was staring rather pensively at the second button
from the top of Poopendyke's coat, and so prolonged and earnest was
her gaze that I looked down in some concern, at the same time permitting
myself to make a nervous, jerky and quite involuntary digital
examination of the aforesaid button. She looked up with a nervous
little laugh.
"I shall have to sew one on right there for poor Mr. Poopendyke," she
said, poking her finger into the empty buttonhole. "You dear bachelors!"
Then she turned swiftly away from me, and glided over to the big
armchair, from the depths of which she fished a small velvet bag.
Looking over her shoulder, she smiled at me.
"Please look the other way," she said. Without waiting for me to do
so, she took out a little gold box, a powder puff, and a stick of lip
rouge. Crossing to the small Florentine mirror that hung near my desk,
she proceeded, before my startled eyes, to repair the slight--and to
me unnoticeable--damage that had been done to her complexion before
the sun came up.
"Woman works in a mysterious way, my friend, her wonders to perform,"
she paraphrased calmly.
"No matter how transcendently beautiful woman may be, she always does
that sort of thing to herself, I take it," said I.
"She does," said the Countess with conviction. She surveyed herself
critically. "There! And now I am ready to accept an invitation to
breakfast. I am disgustingly hungry."
"And so am I!" I cried with enthusiasm. "Hurray! You shall eat
Poopendyke's breakfast, just to penalise him for failing in his duties
as host during my unavoidable--"
"Quite impossible," she said. "He has already eaten it."
"He has?"
"At half-past six, I believe. He announced at that ungodly hour that
if he couldn't have his coffee the first thing in the morning he would
be in for a headache all day. He suggested that I take a little nap
and have breakfast with you--if you succeeded in surviving the night."
"Oh, I see," said I slowly. "He knew all the time that you were napping
in that chair, eh?"
"You shall not scold him!"
"I shall do even worse than that. I shall pension him for life."
She appeared thoughtful. A little frown' of annoyance clouded her brow.
"He promised faithfully to arouse me the instant you were sighted on
the opposite side of the river. I made him stand in the window with
a field glass. No, on second thought, _I_ shall scold him. If he had
come to the door and shouted, you wouldn't have caught me in this odious
dressing-gown. Helene--"
"It is most fascinating," I cried. "Adorable! I love flimsy, pink
things. They're so intimate. And Poopendyke knows it, bless his
ingenuous old soul."
I surprised a queer little gleam of inquiry in her eyes. It flickered
for a second and died out.
"Do you really consider him an ingenuous old soul?" she asked. And I
thought there was something rather metallic in her voice. I might have
replied with intelligence if she had given me a chance, but for some
reason she chose to drop the subject. "You _must_ be famished, and I am
dying to hear about your experiences. You must not omit a single detail.
I--"
There came a gentle, discreet knocking on the half-open door. I started,
somewhat guiltily.
"Come!"
Blatchford poked his irreproachable visage through the aperture and
then gravely swung the door wide open.
"Breakfast is served, sir,--your ladyship. I beg pardon."
I have never seen him stand so faultlessly rigid. As we passed him on
the way out a mean desire came over me to tread on his toes, just as
an experiment. I wondered if he would change expression. But somehow
I felt that he would say "Thank you, sir," and there would be no
satisfaction in knowing that he had had all his pains for nothing.
I shall never forget that enchanted breakfast--never! Not that I can
recall even vaguely what we had to eat, or who served it, or how much
of the naked truth I related to her in describing the events of the
night; I can only declare that it was a singularly light-hearted affair.
At half-past one o'clock I was received by Mrs. Titus in my own study.
The Countess came down from her eerie abode to officiate at the
ceremonious function--if it may be so styled--and I was agreeably
surprised to find my new guest in a most amiable frame of mind. True,
she looked me over with what seemed to me an unnecessarily and perfectly
frank stare of curiosity, but, on sober reflection, I did not hold it
against her. I was still draped in Poopendyke's garments.
At first sight I suppose she couldn't quite help putting me down as
one of those literary freaks who typify intellect without intelligence.
As for her two sons, they made no effort to disguise their amazement.
(I have a shocking notion that the vowel u might be substituted for
the a in that word without loss of integrity!)
The elder of the two young men, Colingraft Titus, who being in the
business with his father in New York was permitted to travel most of
the time so that he couldn't interfere with it, was taller than I, and
an extremely handsome chap to boot. He was twenty-six. The younger,
Jasper, Jr., was nineteen, short and slight of build, with the merriest
eyes I've ever seen. I didn't in the least mind the grin he bestowed
upon me--and preserved with staunch fidelity throughout the whole
interview,--but I resented the supercilious, lordly scorn of his elder
brother.
Jasper, I learned, was enduring a protracted leave of absence from
Yale; the hiatus between his freshman and sophomore years already
covered a period of sixteen months, and he had a tutor who appreciated
the buttery side of his crust.
Mrs. Titus, after thanking me warmly--and I think sincerely--for all
that I had done for Aline, apologised in a perfunctory sort of way for
having kept me out of my bed all night, and hoped that I wouldn't catch
cold or have an attack of rheumatism.
I soon awoke to the fact that she was in the habit of centralising
attention. The usually volatile Countess became subdued and repressed
in her presence; the big son and the little one were respectfully
quiescent; I confess to a certain embarrassment myself.
She was a handsome woman with a young figure, a good complexion, clear
eyes, wavy brown hair, and a rich, low voice perfectly modulated. No
doubt she was nearing fifty but thirty-five would have been your guess,
provided you were a bachelor. A bachelor learns something about women
every day of his life, but not so much that he cannot be surprised the
day after.
I endeavoured to set her mind at rest by politely reminding her that
I couldn't have slept in the bed any way, having been out all night,
and she smilingly assured me that it was a relief to find a literary
man who wasn't forever saying flat stupid things.
I took them over the castle--that is, a _part_ of the castle. Mrs. Titus
wouldn't climb stairs. She confessed to banting, but drew the line at
anything more exhausting. I fear I was too palpably relieved when she
declined to go higher than the second story.
"It isn't necessary, Mr. Smart," she said sweetly, "to go into the
history of the wretched Rothhoefens, as a Cook's interpreter might do.
You see, I know the castle quite well--and I have had all the _late_
news from my daughter."
"Of course!" I agreed. "Stupid of me not to remember that you are
descended from--"
"Mother isn't half as stuck up about it as you might think, Mr. Smart,"
interrupted Jasper, Jr., glibly. "She prefers to let people think her
ancestors were Dutch instead of merely German. Dutch ancestors are the
proper thing in Jew York."
"Jappie," said his mother severely, "how often must I caution you not
to speak of New York as Jew York? Some day you will say it to a Jew.
One can't be too careful. Heaven alone knows when one is in the presence
of a Jew in these days."
"Oh, I'm not Hebraic," said I quickly. "My ancestors _were_ Dutch. They
came over with the original skin grafters."
She looked puzzled for a moment. The Countess laughed. Then Jasper saw
the point. Colingraft was the last to see it, and then it was too late
for him to smile.
We had tea in the loggia and I dined with the family in the Countess's
apartment at eight that night. I think Mrs. Titus was rather favourably
impressed when she beheld me in my own raiment. Britton had smoothed
out my evening clothes until they almost shone, and I managed to carry
myself with unusual buoyancy.
Everything went very well that evening. We were all in fine humour and
the dinner was an excellent one. I perpetrated but one unhappy blunder.
I asked Mrs. Titus if she knew the Riley-Werkheimers and the
Rocks-worths in New York.
"Visually," she said succinctly, and I made haste to change the subject.
The Countess looked amused, and Colingraft said something about it
being more than likely that we did not have any mutual acquaintances
in New York. His sister came to my rescue with a very amusing and
exaggerated account of my experience with the Riley-Werkheimers and
Rocksworths. Jasper was enthusiastic. Something told me that I was
going to like him.
My real troubles began the next day--and at the rather unseemly hour
of eight o'clock in the morning. Colingraft came down the hall in a
bath-gown and slippers, banged on my bedroom door, and wanted to know
why the devil he couldn't have hot water for his bath. He was too
full-blooded, and all that sort of thing, he said, to take a cold
plunge. Moreover, he wasn't used to taking his tub in a tin-cup. (That
was his sarcastic way of referring to my portable, handy bath-tub.)
I asked him why he didn't ring for Britton, and he said he did but
that Britton was assisting Jasper in a wild chase for a bat which had
got into the lad's room during the night.
"Thank your lucky stars it didn't get into Mother's room," he said
surlily. I silently thanked them.
He made such a row about his tub that I had to give him the pail of
hot water Britton had placed in my bedroom, preparatory to my own bath.
At breakfast Jasper complained about the bats. He couldn't for the
life of him see why I didn't have screens in the windows.
Later on Mrs. Titus, who had coffee and toast in her room, joined us
in the loggia and announced that the coffee was stone cold. Moreover,
she did not like the guest-chamber into which she had been moved by
order of the Countess. It was too huge for a bed-chamber, and the iron
window shutters creaked all night long.
"But don't you love the view you have of the Danube?" I queried, rather
mournfully.
"I don't sit in the window all night, Mr. Smart," she said tartly.
I at once insisted on her resuming possession of my bedroom, and
promptly had all of my things moved into the one she had occupied
during the night. When the Countess heard of this arrangement she was
most indignant. She got me off in a corner and cruelly informed me
that I hadn't the vestige of a backbone. She must have said something
to her mother, too, for when evening came around I had to move back
into my own room, Mrs. Titus sweetly assuring me that under no
consideration would she consent to impose upon my good nature and
hospitality to such an extent, etc., etc.
During the day, at odd times, Colingraft made lofty suggestions in
regard to what could be done with the place to make it more or less
inhabitable, and Jasper,--who, by the way, I was beginning to fear
I should not like after all,--said he'd just like to have a whack at
the thing himself. First thing he'd do would be to turn some of those
old, unused rooms into squash and racquet courts, and he'd also put
in a swimming-pool and a hot-water plant.
Late in the afternoon, I stole far up into the eastern tower to visit
my adorable friend Rosemary. We played house together on the nursery
floor and I soon got over my feeling of depression. But even in play
I was made to realise that I was not the master of the house. She ruled
me with the utmost despotism, but I didn't mind. She permitted me to
sip honey from that cunning place in her little neck and managed to
call me Unko. My heart grew warm and soft again under the spell of her.
The Countess watched us at play from her seat by the window. She was
strangely still and pensive. I had the feeling that she was watching
me all the time, and that there was a shadow of anxiety in her lovely
eyes. She smiled at our pranks, and yet there was something sad in the
smile.
I was young again with Rosemary, and full of glee. She took me out of
myself. I forgot the three Tituses and with them many of my woes. Here
was a cure for the blues: this gay little kiddie of the unspeakable
Tarnowsy!
I lay awake for hours that night, but when I finally went to sleep
and heaven knows I needed it!--it was with the soporific resolution
to put my house rigidly in order the very next day. I would be polite
about it, but very firm. The Titus family (omitting the Countess and
Rosemary) was to be favoured with an ultimatum from which there could
be no appeal. John Bellamy Smart had decided--with Morpheus smoothing
out the wrinkles of perplexity--that he would be master in his own
house.
My high resolve flattened itself out a little after the sound sleep
I had, and I make no doubt I should have wavered sadly in my purpose
had not a crisis arisen to shape my courage for me in a rather emphatic
way.
Shortly after breakfast Mrs. Titus came downstairs very smartly gowned
for the street. She announced that she was going into the town for an
hour or two and asked me to have one of the Schmicks ferry her across
the river. There was a famous antique shop there--memory of other
days--and she wanted to browse a while in search of brasses and bronzes.
I looked at her, aghast. I recognised the crisis, but for a moment was
unable to marshal my powers of resistance. Noting my consternation,
she calmly assured me that there wouldn't be the least danger of
detection, as she was going to be heavily veiled and _very_ cautious.
"My dear Mrs. Titus," I murmured in my dismay, "it isn't to be
considered. I am sure you won't persist in this when I tell you that
Tarnowsy's agents are sure to see you and--"
She laughed. "Tarnowsy's agents! Why should they be here?"
"They seem to be everywhere."
"I can assure you there is none within fifty miles of Schloss
Rothhoefen. Our men are in the city. Four of them preceded me. This
morning I had Mr. Bangs telephone to the hotel where the chief operative
is staying--in the guise of an American tourist, and he does it very
cleverly for an Englishman, too,--and he assures me that there is
absolutely no danger. Even Mr. Bangs is satisfied."
"I am forced to say that I am by no means satisfied that it is a safe
or wise thing to do, Mrs. Titus," I said, with more firmness than I
thought I possessed.
She raised her delicate eyebrows in a most exasperating well-bred,
admonitory way.
"I am quite sure, Mr. Smart, that Dillingham is a perfectly trustworthy
detective, and--"
"But why take the slightest risk?"
"It is necessary for me to see Dillingham, that is the long and short
of it," she said coldly. "One can't discuss things over a telephone,
you know. Mr. Bangs understands. And, by the way, Mr. Smart, I have
taken the liberty of calling up the central office of the telephone
company to ask if they can run an extension wire to my dressing-room.
I hope you do not mind."
"Not in the least. I should have thought of it myself."
"You have so much to think of, poor man. And now will you be good
enough to have Hawkes order the man to row me across the--"
"I am very sorry, Mrs. Titus," said I firmly, "but I fear I must declare
myself. I cannot permit you to go into the town to-day."
She was thunderstruck. "Are you in earnest?" she cried, after searching
my face rather intently for a moment.
"Unhappily, yes. Will you let me explain--"
"The _idea!_" she exclaimed as she drew herself to her full height and
withered me with a look of surpassing scorn. "Am I to regard myself as a
prisoner, Mr. Smart?"
"Oh, I beg of you, Mrs. Titus--" I began miserably.
"Please answer my question."
Her tone cut me like the lash of a whip. My choler rose.
"I do not choose to regard myself as a jailer. My only object in
opposing this--"
"I have never known anything so absurd." Two bright red spots appeared
in her cheeks. "Your attitude is most extraordinary. However, I shall
go to the city this morning, Mr. Smart. Pray give me the credit of
having sense enough to--Ah, Colingraft."
The two sons approached from the breakfast-room, where they had been
enjoying a ten o'clock chop. Colingraft, noting his mother's attire,
accelerated his speed and was soon beside us.
"Going out, Mother?" he enquired, flicking the ash from his cigarette.
"If Mr. Smart will be good enough to withdraw his opposition," she
said icily.
He gave me a sharp look. "What's up?"
"Mrs. Titus doesn't seem to realise the risk she runs in--"
"Risk? Do you suppose, Mr. Smart, I would jeopardise my daughter's--"
"What's up?" repeated Colingraft insistently.
"Mr. Smart calmly informs me that I am not to go into the city."
"I don't see that Mr. Smart has anything to say about it," said her
son coolly. "If he--" He paused, glaring.
I looked him squarely in the eye. If he had possessed the acumen of
a pollywog he would have seen that my Dutch was up.
"One moment, Mr. Titus," I said, setting my jaw. "I have this to say
about it. You are guests in my house. We are jointly interested in the
effort to protect the Countess Tarnowsy. I consider it to be the height
of imprudence for any member of your family to venture into the city,
now or at any time during her stay in this castle. I happen to know
that Tarnowsy is having me watched for some purpose or other. I don't
think he suspects that the Countess is here, but I greatly fear that
he believes I am interested in her cause. He suspects _me_. You have
heard of our recent encounter. He knows my position pretty well by this
time. Mrs. Titus says that the man Dillingham assures her there is no
danger. Well, I can only say that Dillingham is a fool, and I don't
purpose having my own safety threatened by--"
"Your safety?" exclaimed he. "I like that! What have you got to be
afraid of?"
"You seem to forget that I am harbouring a fugitive from justice," I
said flatly.
Mrs. Titus gasped. "How dare you--" "The Countess Tarnowsy is wanted
by the authorities for kidnapping, and I think you know the facts quite
as well as I do," I went on harshly. "God knows I am doing my best to
protect her. I am risking more than you seem to appreciate. If she is
found here, my position isn't likely to be an enviable one. I am not
thinking solely of myself, believe me, but after all I contend that
I have a right to assert myself in a crisis that may affect me vitally.
I trust you will see my position and act accordingly,--with
consideration, if nothing else."
Mrs. Titus did not take her eyes off mine while I was speaking. There
was an expression of utter amazement in them. No one had ever opposed
her before in just this way, I gathered. She didn't know what to make
of it.
"I fear you exaggerate the extent of your peril, Mr. Smart," she said
drily. "Of course, I have no desire to put you in jeopardy, but it
seems to me--"
"Leaving me out of the case altogether, don't you think it is a bit
unfair to the Countess?" I asked in some heat. "She doesn't want to
go to jail."
"Jail?" she cried angrily.
"That's no way to speak about--" began Colingraft furiously.
I broke in rashly. "If you please, Mr. Titus, be good enough to keep
your temper. I have no desire to appear harsh and arbitrary, but I can
see that it is necessary to speak plainly. There isn't anything in the
world I will not do to help you and the Countess in this unfortunate
business, Mrs. Titus. I hope you believe me when I say as much. I am
her friend; I want to be yours if you will let me. But I reserve the
right to say what shall be and what shall not be done as long as you
are under my roof. Just a moment, Mr. Titus! I think we are quite
agreed that your sister is to depart from here on the fourteenth of
the month. I am to be her escort, so to speak, for a considerable
distance, in company with Mr. Bangs. Well, it must be clearly understood
that not one of you is to show his or her face outside these walls
until after that journey is over. That's plain-speaking, isn't it?"
"I shall go where I please, and I'll go to the town to-day--" roared
Colingraft, getting no farther for the reason that his mother, seeing
that I was desperately in earnest, gave vent to a little cry of alarm
and clutched her big son by the shoulder. She begged him to listen to
reason!
"Reason!" he gasped.
"If you--or any of you--put a foot outside these walls," I declared,
"you will not be allowed to re-enter. That's flat!"
"By cricky!" fell in fervent admiration from the lips of Jasper, Jr.
I glanced at his beaming, astonished face. He positively was grinning!
"Good for you! You're a wonder, Mr. Smart! By cricky! And you're _dead
right_. We're darn fools!"
"Jasper!" gasped Mrs. Titus.
"Good for you, Jasper!" I cried warmly, and took the hand he proffered.
"Colingraft, please take me to my room," murmured the mother. "I--I
feel faint. Send for Aline. Ask Mr. Bangs to come to me at once."
I bowed stiffly. "I am sorry, Mrs. Titus, to have been so harsh, so
assertive--"
She held up both hands. "I never was so spoken to in all my life, Mr.
Smart. I shall not forget it to my dying day."
She walked away from me, her pretty head held high and her chin
suspiciously aquiver. Colingraft hastened after her, but not without
giving me a stare in which rage and wonder struggled for the mastery.
I ran my hand over my moist brow.
"Gee!" said Jasper, Jr. "You've corked her all right, all right." He
followed me into the study and I couldn't get rid of him for hours.
Later in the forenoon the Countess, with a queer little smile on her
lips, told me that her mother considered me the most wonderful, the
most forceful character she had ever encountered. I brightened up at
that.
But Colingraft was not yet through with me.