_For Lawyers_
Fame and Wealth
The lawyer becomes famous through his cleverness, popular through his
astuteness, but fat and wealthy through the foolishness of his fellow-men.
Rewarded Industry
“It is terrible how slow Secretary Meier works!” exclaimed the President;
“there he is behind again with a big stack of papers! What shall we do
with them?”
“Oh, there is Muller, a prompt, industrious clerk, he is never behind!
Let’s give them to him,” said the Director.
Secret and Public
“What is the difference between a secret and a public session of the town
council?”
“When there is a secret session, one knows the result an hour later; the
result of a public session, one reads in next day’s paper.”
Evidence of Dishonesty
Detective:—“Your suspicion of your cashier has not been confirmed; you
may be sure of his honesty. He makes no show whatever, lives, to be sure,
decently...!”
Director (interrupting him):—“Yes, but ... that’s just it; with the
salary I give him, it’s impossible to live decently!”
Of Course
Judge (to accused’s wife):—“Were you with your husband when he broke into
the young ladies’ boarding-school?”
Wife:—“Of course; would _your_ wife permit you to break into a young
ladies’ school by yourself?”
An Honest Lawyer
“But, Doctor, I must win that lawsuit; the contract is as clear as
daylight!”
“So it is—but let me tell you, when it comes to a lawsuit, clearness is a
thing of the past.”
Out of Business
“What, are you back from Africa already?”
“Yes, I had settled there as sheriff, but there was nothing to levy upon
but now and then a nose-ring ... and then I generally had a suit brought
against me for levying on an indispensable article of dress.”
Short Work
“What,” said the disgusted lawyer to a countryman, “didn’t I have you
thrown out just now because you were too fresh, and here you are back
again!”
“Doctor,” returns he, “please be good, and undertake my defense; I see
you are the only lawyer who makes short work!”
Question and Answer
Lady (at a lawyer’s who is a friend):—“A question does not cost anything?”
Lawyer:—“No, but the answer does.”
At Examination
Professor:—“Candidate, what belongs to a last will and testament?”
Candidate:—“A death and a fortune.”
Suggestive Question
Professor:—“Candidate, what in law do we call one who assists another in
committing a crime—who for instance, makes him a key, with which to open
the door?”
Candidate:—“That is a locksmith.”
Final Farewell
Professor:—“Candidate, what does the term _dos_ mean?”
Candidate:—“_Dos_—_dos_—I am sorry I can’t think of it this minute.”
Professor:—“Imagine you were engaged to be married. On your wedding day
your father-in-law says, ‘I shall give my daughter 50,000 thaler.’ What
would that be?”
Candidate:—“That would be great good luck for me.”
Professor:—“I fully agree with you. Now translate for me this mandate
from the Codex. Read the introduction.”
Candidate (reads):—“_Sancimus hac lege in perpetuum valitura_——”
Professor:—“Stop! Translate these words.”
Candidate (translates):—“Read this—and then farewell forever!”
Professor:—“Good, very good! I also will say to you: Farewell forever!”
Saving in Vain
Professor:—“Well, candidate, which seems to you the better, that the
present generation should save for the future generation, or that they
should leave debts behind?”
Candidate:—“I believe it would be better to leave debts behind.”
Professor:—“Why; what are your reasons?”
Candidate:—“We can’t be expected to save for a generation, of which we
do not even know whether it will exist. If the judgment day should come
unexpectedly, we would have saved for nothing.”
No Criminal
Professor:—“What is a crime?”
Candidate (stuttering):—“A crime is—is, when some one—does—something!”
Professor (laughing):—“Then candidate, you are certainly no criminal.”
A Modern Solomon
Professor:—“I will put a law case before you: Mother and daughter slept
with their two little boys, in the same room. As the children were
dressed exactly alike, the nurses changed them, so nobody could tell
which was the mother’s and which the daughter’s child. How would you
decide the case?”
Candidate:—“Are you sure that the children were exchanged?”
Professor:—“Didn’t I tell you so just now?”
Candidate:—“Very well, then you simply exchange the children again.”
Direct or Indirect
“Is the dog tax a direct or an indirect tax?”
“An indirect one.”
“Why?”
“Because it is not collected directly from the dog.”
Mortgages
“Candidate, what do you know about mortgages?”
“Nothing at all; so far, I have always been able to borrow without one.”
Her Age
“You are thirty years old?” asked a magistrate of a lady whose deposition
he was taking down.
“No, twenty,” she answered.
“But I was born in the same year you were.”
“Oh, well,” said the lady, snappishly, “you probably lived faster than
I!”
It Makes a Difference
“What is the matter with this woman?”
“She fell on the slippery sidewalk, because there was no sand put on it.”
“Where was it? I’ll put the landlord’s name down at once!”
“It was before the town hall, policeman.”
“Oh, before the town hall! you should have been more careful, my good
woman!”
Don’t Go
Professor (complaining):—“For the past two weeks a student has occupied
the room below mine. The impudent fellow plays the piano and sings every
blessed night, ‘Come down, oh Madonna Theresa!’ What can I do about it?”
Police Sergeant:—“Is your name Theresa?”
Professor:—“No.”
Police Sergeant:—“Well then you need not take any notice of it.”
An Acquired Interest
“How did you manage to have your attorney take such an interest in your
lawsuit?”
“I borrowed a hundred dollars from him. If I lose my lawsuit he will lose
his money.”
Fatal
Judge:—“Well, Doctor, what do you think of your patient’s wounds?”
Doctor:—“Two of them are fatal, without a doubt; but if the patient is
kept quiet, it is probable that the third one will be healed in a couple
of months.”
A Great Temptation
“How did you break into that house?”
“Your Honor, it was two o’clock in the morning; no night watchman in
sight; an open window in front of me—why, you yourself would have gone
in!”
Misplaced Pathos
“Gentlemen of the Jury! When the pear is ripe, it falls from the tree!
This pear (pointing towards the accused) grew ripe, fell from the tree,
and here it sits—in the dock!”
Before the Court
Judge:—“So the accused stole a _salam_, (choice sausage)—where is it?”
Constable:—“Here, your Honor, is the _corpus delicati_.”
Curious to Hear
Judge:—“You wish your trial postponed, prisoner, because your counsel has
been taken ill; but since you were caught red-handed and have confessed
the theft, I don’t see what your counsel could say in your favor.”
Prisoner:—“That’s just what I am curious to hear, your Honor!”
Among Ourselves
Presiding Judge (addressing the crowd in the courtroom):—“I warn you that
if there are any more disturbances, I’ll have the court cleared!”
Prisoner:—“That’ll be much better, your Honor; then we’ll be among
ourselves!”
Wished to Confess
“If it pleases the court,” said a prisoner, who so far had stoutly denied
his guilt, during the poor defense his counsel made, “make him shut up;
I’d rather confess.”
A Fatal Cold
Governor (to a prisoner while inspecting the penitentiary):—“What brought
you here?”
Prisoner:—“My cold.”
Governor:—“What? Your cold?”
Prisoner:—“Yes, sir; I had a bad cold when I broke into that house, and
had to sneeze; it awoke the gentleman; he caught me, and so I was brought
here.”
Doing the Honors
Warden (to the prisoners):—“His Honor is going to visit the jail this
afternoon! Prepare yourselves for it!”
Rogue (to a fellow prisoner):—“Hans, you do the honors!”
Needed His Tools
Warden:—“Here is the money that is due you. I hope you will now find an
honorable way of making a living.”
Prisoner:—“Certainly, sir, you may depend on it.”
Warden:—“Well, we shall see; you may go now! Why are you hesitating? Do
you wish to say anything?”
Prisoner (whose burglar kit had been taken from him when he was
arrested):—“Might I ask your Honor for my tools?”
Malicious
Attorney (to the manager of a theatre on seeing the empty house):—“Why,
my dear sir, is the public excluded to-day?”
Taken Aback
Attorney:—“I assure you, charming Fräulein, we lawyers advance very
slowly. One is always waiting for the other’s death. Look, for instance,
at that old judge over there. From year to year we have been waiting for
the old codger to go off and make room for——”
Lady (interrupting him):—“Sir, that gentleman—is my father!”
Force of Habit
A lawyer was speaking at the grave of a colleague. No eye had remained
dry, until, putting down a wreath, the orator closed with great pathos,
saying: “Rest in peace, dear friend ... and you, gentlemen of the jury,
preserve ever a pleasant memory of the accused!”
At the Mercy of the Court
Waiter:—“What do you wish me to order for your dinner, sir?”
Attorney (pointing to the kitchen):—“I leave that to the mercy of the
court!”
His First Attempt
“To-morrow I am going to hand my first attempt at a drama to the manager
of our theatre.”
“Friend, as a lawyer, you ought to know that even an attempt at crime is
punishable.”
Difference of Statement
“Is it true that you said the man Meier here, had stolen your pocketbook?”
“I didn’t say that, Squire; I only stated, that if Meier had not helped
me to look for it, I should have found it again.”
On Time
Clerk of the Court (to countryman):—“What do you want here so early?
There is nobody here yet, but myself! Before eight o’clock no business is
accepted. Don’t you see that it is still two whole minutes of eight? In
two minutes you will find me in!”
Doubtful Presents
Rogue:—“Doctor, you got me free. I must show my gratitude. Take this
watch.”
Counsel:—“No, no; you are a poor devil. Where did you get the watch?”
Rogue:—“Why, it’s the one I stole.”
Unstable Evidence
Detective (looking for evidence at the spot where a murder had been
committed):—“The footprint in this anthill is of the utmost importance.
It might—most probably it will—lead to the discovery of the murderer.
Constable, hurry back to town at once, bring a bag and a shovel, and
shovel this highly important footprint into it. We will take it back with
us!”
Willing to Show Him
Judge:—“It is utterly incomprehensible to me how you could kill the man
with one blow of your bare fist!”
Accused:—“Shall I show you how I did it?”
He Understood
Magistrate:—“You complain that your neighbor struck you during a quarrel?”
Washerwoman:—“Yes, your Honor, he struck me several times with his cane
on—on—”
Magistrate:—“Never mind; sit down on the missing word.”
Importance of Being Precise
Squire:—“You are a carpenter, are you not?”
“Yes, sir.”
“You were working near the place where the row occurred?”
“Yes, sir.”
“How far away were you?”
“Thirty-six and a half feet.”
“How can you tell so exact?”
“’Cause I measured it. I thought right away, some fool from court would
ask me about it.”
Objected to Income Tax
Magistrate:—“You are accused of loafing; why don’t you work?”
Loafer:—“Because then I would have to pay an income tax.”
A Witness Against His Will
Judge:—“Constable, bring in the next witness!” (Constable beckons to a
man by the door to step up.)
Judge:—“What is your name?”
Peter:—“Peter Lerch.”
Judge:—“How old are you?”
Peter:—“I don’t think that’s necessary to tell.”
Judge (severely):—“Will you tell me at once, how old you are?”
Peter:—“Thirty-three years.”
Judge:—“Are you a Lutheran or a Catholic?”
Peter:—“But, your Honor——”
Judge (interrupting him):—“If you dare to interrupt me again——”
Peter (quickly):—“I’m a Lutheran.”
Judge:—“Are you related to the accused or in their service?”
Peter (indignant):—“I? to those? Rather not! What is your Honor thinking
of?” (Laughter in the courtroom.)
Judge:—“Refrain from all improper remarks! Raise your hand and take the
oath.”
Peter:—“Oh, but really your Honor, that’s too much.”
Judge (rises and cries furiously):—“I’ll have you arrested, if you dare
to contradict again. Raise your hand and repeat the oath after me.”
(Peter does it meekly.)
Judge:—“And now what have you to say?”
Peter:—“The Colonel sends his regards, and asks you to come to dinner
to-night at eight o’clock. The deer he shot yesterday has arrived.”
Judge:—“What on earth—— Aren’t you a witness?”
Peter:—“No, your Honor; I’m the Colonel’s orderly. Not finding you at
home I came here; and when I asked for you, the Constable showed me in
here.”
A Pointed Suggestion
A celebrated lawyer was pleading a case before a famous judge, and made
such daring assertions that he roused the latter into saying: “Well, if
this is law, I’m going home to burn all my books.”
“It seems to me,” replied the lawyer quietly, “it would be better if your
Honor went home to read them.”
On His Side
A lawyer once asked a minister, “If the clergy and the devil had a
lawsuit together, who would win?”
“The devil,” was the quick answer, “for he has all the lawyers on his
side.”
A Legal Tilt
Two lawyers, one as tall as a giant, the other as small as a dwarf, were
getting so excited over a case on hand, that the giant said to the other:
“Who are you? Why, I could put you in my pocket.”
The other replied quietly: “Then there would be more law in your pocket
than there is in your head.”
Finally
Counsel (closing his speech):—“And finally, gentlemen of the jury, I
would have you remember the golden rule: ‘Do unto others, as you wish
others to do unto you,’ or would you like to lie in a prison cell, for
years?”