_Mr. Horace Rutherford Penfold (the last thing in novelists, surrounded
by New York pressmen)_: "Glad to see you, boys! Delighted to see you!
_What!_ Was I hiding from you behind my luggage? What an absolutely
absurd idea! The whole way across I've been eagerly looking forward to
meeting you gentlemen of the most go-ahead, most enlightened Press on
earth! Yes, it's my first visit to your great country. The dream of my
life is now realised. Yes, of course I'm rejoiced that my novel, _The
Love of a Hop-Picker_, has taken its place among the 'best sellers' on
this side. Yes, people are good enough to say I've broken quite new
ground in making the hop-fields the scene of a novel; the critics say my
word-pictures of the hop-poles are 'absolutely luscious'; and they
pronounce _Ozias_, the hop-picker, 'a giant of artistic creation.' Yes,
my novel is one of the twenty which in the last six months have been
called 'epoch-making' and have been said to 'stand quite alone in modern
fiction.' No doubt the hop-field will now be exploited by other writers,
until in time it will become as hackneyed as the desert.
"Yes, this is my first visit to your wonderful country. I am here to
superintend the rehearsals of the dramatised form of _The Love of a
Hop-Picker._ Naturally I am a little nervous, for to please a New York
audience is the playwright's dream of heaven. And then, of course, _The
Love of a Hop-Picker_ is not only utterly English in atmosphere, but
also peculiarly _Kentish_. Still, with such a brilliantly intelligent,
marvellously sympathetic public as yours, I don't despair of bringing
the hop-poles over the footlights, so to say.
"Yes, gentlemen, I have a wife, and I've not forgotten to bring her
sworn affidavit that my coming without her is quite regular and in
order, because, though Ellis Island's a delightful place, no doubt,
still, I want to go into your great Empire city 'right away,' as you
say. Here it is: 'I declare that I, Agatha Mary Rutherford Penfold, and
my dear husband, Horace Rutherford Penfold, are a perfectly united and
affectionate couple; that his journey to the United States is taken with
my entire approval, and that I should have accompanied him but for being
an extremely bad sailor and afraid of storms at sea. (Signed) AGATHA
MARY RUTHERFORD PENFOLD. Sworn to in the presence of--' and so forth.
Yes, certainly, gentlemen, copy it by all means.
"No, I never heard of any literary talent showing itself in our family
before. My father was interested in the retail meat industry; _his_
father was interested in the retail bread industry; and _his_ father
turned his attention to the making of candlesticks.
"My impressions as I crossed? Well, I couldn't help remarking, ill as I
felt, that, as we neared the shores of the New World, the waves took on
better and more imposing shapes, the wind blew more smartly, and at
night the stars seemed brighter and more numerous, and the clouds
appeared to form themselves into stripes! Yes, this is my first
experience of a zero temperature. The air is deliciously fresh: one
seems to breathe in freedom with it. Well, perhaps I am a little cold,
but that is because I have been waiting an hour and a-half _en queue_
for a permit allowing me to have my luggage examined; and then, you see,
gentlemen, I haven't the fur coat I bought specially for this visit; the
Customs people have taken it away, and also the evening clothes I had
made by Pond just before I left; so that I'm afraid I shan't be able to
accept the very kind invitations I received by wireless to dine with the
Brainy Broadway Boys to-night, and to-morrow night with the Chocktaw
Club.
"What do I think of feminine New York? Why, of course, I think her the
prettiest, cleverest, best-dressed portion of feminine humanity, and
with an added charm--a New Yorkiness which is absolutely indescribable.
No, I haven't met any of her yet, my knowledge of New York being at
present limited to this wonderful landing pier, your greatly gifted
Customs officials, and the brilliantly intelligent subordinates of your
world-renowned Express Company.
"What do I think of Mexican affairs? Well, gentlemen, it seems to me
that only _Mexicans_ can make themselves really at home in Mexico, and
that other people had better not try to live there--if living is their
object.
"Yes, here is my photo and my wife's photo; my father's
photo; my grandfather's daguerreotype; a black profile of my
great-grandfather--certainly, gentlemen, I shall be only too pleased and
proud to have them all reproduced in your scintillating, pulsating
journals. So long, boys! Delighted to have met you."
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Distressed Mother._ "'E'S BEEN AN ORFUL TRIAL TO ME EVER
SINCE THEM PITCHER PALACES BEGAN. FIRST 'E WAS SHOOTIN' AT THE FOWLS,
AN' NOW 'E'S PINCHIN' MY WOOLLY MATS TER PUT ON 'IS LEGS."]
* * * * *
A Mirdite Melody.
[The Mirdite Chief Prenk Bib Doda has joined the first Albanian
Cabinet.]
Great is the Gaeckwar of BARODA;
Great too was MARCHAND at Fashoda;
Great is good brandy blent with soda;
But, as a culminating _coda_,
Greater by far is PRENK BIB DODA.
* * * * *