The villa was high up on the hill, having (as Simpson was to point out
several times later) Mentone on its left hand and Monte Carlo on its
right. A long winding path led up through its garden of olives to the
front door, and through the mimosa trees which flanked this door we
could see already a flutter of white aprons. The staff was on the loggia
waiting to greet us.
We halted a moment out of sight of the ladies above and considered
ourselves. It came to us with a sudden shock that we were a very large
party.
"I suppose," said Archie to Simpson, "they do expect all of us and not
only you? You told them that about half London was coming?"
"We're only six," said Myra, "because I've just counted again, but we
seem about twenty."
"It's quite all right," said Simpson cheerfully. "I said we'd be six."
"But six in a letter is much smaller than six of us like this; and when
they see our luggage----"
"Let's go back," I suggested, suddenly nervous. To be five guests of the
guest of a man you have never met is delicate work.
At this critical moment Archie assumed command. He is a Captain in the
Yeomanry and has tackled bigger jobs than this in his time.
"We must get ourselves into proper order," he said. "Simpson, the villa
has been lent to _you_; you must go first. Dahlia and I come next. When
we arrive you will introduce us as your friends, Mr. and Mrs. Mannering.
Then turning to Myra you say, 'Mr. Mannering's sister; and this,' you
add, 'is her husband.' Then--er--Thomas----"
"It will be difficult to account for Thomas," I said.
"Thomas comes at the end. He hangs back a little at first; and then if
he sees that there is going to be any awkwardness about him, he can
pretend he's come on the wrong night, and apologise and go home again."
"If Thomas goes, I go," said Myra dramatically.
"I have another idea," I said. "Thomas hides here for a bit. We
introduce ourselves and settle in, and have lunch; and after lunch we
take a stroll in the garden, and to our great surprise discover Thomas.
'Thomas,' we say, '_you_ here? Dear old chap, we thought you were in
England. How splendid! Where are you staying? Oh, but you must stop with
_us_; we can easily have a bed put up for you in the garage.' And
then----"
"Not after lunch," said Thomas; "before lunch."
"Don't all be so silly," smiled Dahlia. "They'll wonder what has
happened to us if we wait any longer. Besides, the men will be here with
the luggage directly. Come along."
"Samuel," said Archie, "forward."
In our new formation we marched up, Simpson excited and rehearsing to
himself the words of introduction, we others outwardly calm. At a range
of ten yards he opened fire. "How do you do?" he beamed. "Here we all
are! Isn't it a lovely----"
The cook-housekeeper, majestic but kindly, came forward with
outstretched hand and welcomed him volubly--in French. The other three
ladies added their French to hers. There was only one English body on
the loggia. It belonged to a bull-dog. The bull-dog barked loudly at
Simpson in English.
There was no "Cook's homme" to save Simpson this time. But he rose to
the occasion nobly. The scent of the mimosa inspired him.
"_Merci_," he said, "_Merci. Oui, n'est ce pas_? Delightful. Er--these
are--_ces sont mes amis._ Er--Dahlia, come along--er, _Monsieur et
Madame Mannering_--er--Myra, _la soeur de Monsieur_--- er--where are
you, old chap?--_le mari de la soeur de Monsieur._ Er--Thomas--er----"
(he was carried away by memories of his schoolboy French), "_le frere du
jardinier_--er----" He wheeled round and saw me; introduced me again;
introduced Myra as my wife, Archie as her brother, and Dahlia as
Archie's wife; and then with a sudden inspiration presented Thomas
grandly as "_le beau-pere du petit fils de mes amis Monsieur et Madame
Mannering._" Thomas seemed more assured of his place as Peter's
godfather than as the brother of the gardener.
There were four ladies; we shook hands with all of them. It took us a
long time, and I doubt if we got it all in even so, for twice I found
myself shaking hands with Simpson. But these may have been additional
ones thrown in. It was over at last, and we followed the staff indoors.
And then we had another surprise. It was broken to us by Dahlia, who, at
Simpson's urgent request, took up the position of lady of the house, and
forthwith received the flowing confidence of the housekeeper.
"Two of us have to sleep outside," she said.
"Where?" we all asked blankly.
We went on to the loggia again, and she pointed to a little house almost
hidden by olive-trees in a corner of the garden below us.
"Oh, well, that's all right," said Archie. "It's on the estate. Thomas,
you and Simpson won't mind that a bit, will you?"
"We can't turn Samuel out of his own house," said Myra indignantly.
"We aren't turning him; he wants to go. But, of course, if you and your
young man would like to live there instead----"
Myra looked at me eagerly.
"It would be rather fun," she said. "We'd have another little honeymoon
all to ourselves."
"It wouldn't really be a honeymoon," I objected. "We should always be
knocking up against trippers in the garden, Archies and Samuels and
Thomases and what not. They'd be all over the place."
Dahlia explained the domestic arrangements. The honeymooners had their
little breakfast in their own little house, and then, joined the others
for the day at about ten.
"Or eleven," said Thomas.
"It would be rather lovely," said Myra thoughtfully.
"Yes," I agreed; "but have you considered that---- Come over this way a
moment, where Thomas and Simpson can't hear, while I tell you some of
the disadvantages."
I led her into a quiet corner and suggested a few things to her which I
hoped would not occur to the other two.
_Item_: That if it was raining hard at night it would be beastly.
_Item_: That if you suddenly found you'd left your pipe behind it would,
be rotten. _Item:_ That if, as was probable, there wasn't a proper
bathroom in the little house, it would be sickening. _Item_: That if she
had to walk on muddy paths in her evening shoes, it would be----
At this point Myra suddenly caught the thread of the argument. We went
back to the others.
"We think," said Myra, "it would be perfectly heavenly in the little
house; but----" She hesitated.
"But at the same time," I said, "we think it's up to Simpson and Thomas
to be English gentlemen. Samuel, it's your honour."
There was a moment's silence.
"Come along," said Thomas to Simpson, "let's go and look at it."
* * * * *
After lunch, clean and well-fed and happy, we lay in deck-chairs on the
loggia and looked lazily down at the Mediterranean.
"Thank you, Samuel, for bringing us," said Dahlia gently. "Your friends
must be very fond of you to have lent you this lovely place."
"Not fonder than we are," said Myra, smiling at him. A. A. M.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "THE COMPLEAT POLICEMAN."]
(_A new schedule has, we understand, been issued to the Force, entitled
"Hints for Police employed on Traffic Duty."_)
"THE REGULATION OF TRAFFIC, SO AS TO PREVENT OBSTRUCTION OR ACCIDENT,
REQUIRES TACT."
[Illustration: "NEVER GET FLUSTERED OR ANNOYED," AND]
[Illustration: "KEEP A LOOK-OUT FOR THE CARRIAGES OF PRIVILEGED
PERSONS]."]
* * * * *
_The Daily Sketch_, in its search for a White Hope, says:--
"Who will be the next world's champion?"
The writer must wait till he gets to the next world; we hope he is in no
hurry.
* * * * *
"Ex (Exmouth).--There is an easy way to tell if a diamond is
genuine. Make a small dot on a piece of paper with a lead pencil
and look at it through the diamond. If it shows but a single dot
the diamond is genuine."--_Tit-Bits._
We cordially invite the writer to come and look at dots through our
Bouverie Street windows. We will then sell him the lot for a million
pounds.
* * * * *
"Oxford rowed a bridge trial from Barnes to Hammersmith yesterday
morning on a fast ebb. It was good, but not good enough considering
the conditions, for everything was in their favour, the amount of
land water in the river making the tide a fast one and the wind
being at their backs."--_Daily Mail._
Our contemporary must make up its mind which way the crew sits before
the day of the race.
* * * * *
"This was Inman's last opportunity, as Reece, in his next hand, ran
to his points with a great break of 202. He failed at an easy red
winner, and after Inman had missed a simple shot Reece ran out."
_Times._
_REECE (after reaching his points with a great break of 202)_: Have
another shot, INMAN, old man. Hard luck! Now I really _must_ go.
[_Exit at a run._
* * * * *
DEAR MR. PUNCH,--While idly looking over _Chambers' Dictionary_ I
came across the Christian name "Herbert," and noticed that it meant
"The Glory of the Army." This aroused my curiosity, and I thought I
should pursue the matter further by looking up the meaning of his
other name. You may judge my surprise when I found that "Henry"
meant "Home Ruler," and was given in these exact words. After this
Mr. ASQUITH'S dogged determination to carry Home Rule is readily
understood. He is a child of destiny.