Joseph Addison, 1672-1719, the brilliant essayist and poet, has long
occupied an exalted place in English literature. He was the son of an
English clergyman, was born in Wiltshire, and educated at Oxford; he died
at "Holland House" (the property of his wile, to whom he had been married
but about two years), and was buried in Westminster Abbey. Several years
of his life were spent in the political affairs of his time, he held
several public offices, and was, for ten years, a member of Parliament.
His fame as an author rests chiefly upon his "Hymns," his tragedy of
"Cato," and his "Essays" contributed principally to the "Tatler" and the
"Spectator." The excellent style of his essays, their genial wit and
sprightly humor, made them conspicuous in an age when coarseness,
bitterness, and exaggeration deformed the writings of the most eminent:
and these characteristics have given them an unquestioned place among the
classics of our language.
Mr. Addison was shy and diffident, but genial and lovable; his moral
character was above reproach, excepting that he is said to have been too
fond of wine.
###
It is a celebrated thought of Socrates, that if all the misfortunes of
mankind were cast into a public stock, in order to be equally distributed
among the whole species, those who now think themselves the most unhappy,
would prefer the share they are already possessed of before that which
would fall to them by such a division. Horace has carried this thought a
great deal farther, and supposes that the hardships or misfortunes we lie
under, are more easy to us than those of any other person would be, in
case we could change conditions with him.
As I was ruminating on these two remarks, and seated in my elbowchair, I
insensibly fell asleep; when, on a sudden, methought there was a
proclamation made by Jupiter, that every mortal should bring in his griefs
and calamities, and throw them together in a heap. There was a large plain
appointed for this purpose. I took my stand in the center of it, and saw,
with a great deal of pleasure, the whole human species marching one after
another, and throwing down their several loads, which immediately grew up
into a prodigious mountain, that seemed to rise above the clouds.
There was a certain lady of a thin, airy shape, who was very active in
this solemnity. She carried a magnifying glass in one of her hands, and
was clothed in a loose, flowing robe, embroidered with several figures of
fiends and specters, that discovered themselves in a thousand chimerical
shapes as her garment hovered in the wind. There was something wild and
distracted in her looks. Her name was Fancy. She led up every mortal to
the appointed place, after having officiously assisted him in making up
his pack, and laying it upon his shoulders. My heart melted within me to
see my fellow-creatures groaning under their respective burdens, and to
consider that prodigious bulk of human calamities which lay before me.
There were, however, several persons who gave me great diversion upon this
occasion. I observed one bringing in a fardel, very carefully concealed
under an old embroidered cloak, which, upon his throwing it into the heap,
I discovered to be poverty. Another, after a great deal of puffing, threw
down his luggage, which, upon examining, I found to be his wife.
There were multitudes of lovers saddled with very whimsical burdens,
composed of darts and flames; but, what was very odd, though they sighed
as if their hearts would break under these bundles of calamities, they
could not persuade themselves to cast them into the heap, when they came
up to it; but, after a few faint efforts, shook their heads, and marched
away as heavy loaden as they came.
I saw multitudes of old women throw down their wrinkles, and several young
ones who stripped themselves of a tawny skin. There were very great heaps
of red noses, large lips, and rusty teeth. The truth of it is, I was
surprised to see the greatest part of the mountain made up of bodily
deformities. Observing one advancing toward the heap with a larger cargo
than ordinary upon his back, I found, upon his near approach, that it was
only a natural hump, which he disposed of with great joy of heart among
this collection of human miseries.
There were, likewise, distempers of all sorts, though I could not but
observe that there were many more imaginary than real. One little packet I
could not but take notice of, which was a complication of all the diseases
incident to human nature, and was in the hand of a great many fine people.
This was called the spleen. But what most of all surprised me was, that
there was not a single vice or folly thrown into the whole heap: at which
I was very much astonished, having concluded within myself that everyone
would take this opportunity of getting rid of his passions, prejudices,
and frailties.
I took notice in particular of a very profligate fellow, who, I did not
question, came loaden with his crimes, but upon searching into his bundle,
I found that instead of throwing his guilt from him, he had only laid down
his memory. He was followed by another worthless rogue, who flung away his
modesty instead of his ignorance.
When the whole race of mankind had thus cast their burdens, the phantom
which had been so busy on this occasion, seeing me an idle spectator of
what passed, approached toward me. I grew uneasy at her presence, when, of
a sudden, she held her magnifying glass full before my eyes. I no sooner
saw my face in it, but was startled at the shortness of it, which now
appeared to me in its utmost aggravation. The immoderate breadth of the
features made me very much out of humor with my own countenance, upon
which I threw it from me like a mask. It happened very luckily that one
who stood by me had just before thrown down his visage, which, it seems,
was too long for him. It was, indeed, extended to a most shameful length;
I believe the very chin was, modestly speaking, as long as my whole face.
We had both of us an opportunity of mending ourselves; and all the
contributions being now brought in, every man was at liberty to exchange
his misfortunes for those of another person.
As we stood round the heap, and surveyed the several materials of which it
was composed, there was scarcely a mortal in this vast multitude who did
not discover what he thought pleasures and blessings of life, and wondered
how the owners of them ever came to look upon them as burthens and
grievances. As we were regarding very attentively this confusion of
miseries, this chaos of calamity, Jupiter issued out a second
proclamation, that everyone was now at liberty to exchange his affliction,
and to return to his habitation with any such other bundle as should be
delivered to him. Upon this, Fancy began again to bestir herself, and,
parceling out the whole heap with incredible activity, recommended to
everyone his particular packet. The hurry and confusion at this time was
not to be expressed. Some observations, which I made upon the occasion, I
shall communicate to the public.
A venerable, gray-headed man, who had laid down the colic, and who, I
found, wanted an heir to his estate, snatched up an undutiful son that had
been thrown into the heap by an angry father. The graceless youth, in less
than a quarter of an hour, pulled the old gentleman by the beard, and had
liked to have knocked his brains out; so that meeting the true father, who
came toward him with a fit of the gripes, he begged him to take his son
again, and give him back his colic; but they were incapable, either of
them, to recede from the choice they had made. A poor galley slave, who
had thrown down his chains, took up the gout in their stead, but made such
wry faces that one might easily perceive he was no great gainer by the
bargain.
The female world were very busy among themselves in bartering for
features; one was trucking a lock of gray hairs for a carbuncle; and
another was making over a short waist for a pair of round shoulders; but
on all these occasions there was not one of them who did not think the new
blemish, as soon as she had got it into her possession, much more
disagreeable than the old one.
I must not omit my own particular adventure. My friend with the long
visage had no sooner taken upon him my short face, but he made such a
grotesque figure in it, that as I looked upon him, I could not forbear
laughing at myself, insomuch that I put my own face out of countenance.
The poor gentleman was so sensible of the ridicule, that I found he was
ashamed of what he had done. On the other side, I found that I myself had
no great reason to triumph, for as I went to touch my forehead, I missed
the place, and clapped my finger upon my upper lip. Besides, as my nose
was exceedingly prominent, I gave it two or three unlucky knocks as I was
playing my hand about my face, and aiming at some other part of it.
I saw two other gentlemen by me who were in the same ridiculous
circumstances. These had made a foolish swap between a couple of thick
bandy legs and two long trapsticks that had no calves to them. One of
these looked like a man walking upon stilts, and was so lifted up into the
air, above his ordinary height, that his head turned round with it, while
the other made such awkward circles, as he attempted to walk, that he
scarcely knew how to move forward upon his new supporters. Observing him
to be a pleasant kind of a fellow, I stuck my cane in the ground, and told
him I would lay him a bottle of wine that he did not march up to it on a
line that I drew for him, in a quarter of an hour.
The heap was at last distributed among the two sexes, who made a most
piteous sight, as they wandered up and down under the pressure of their
several burthens. The whole plain was filled with murmurs and complaints,
groans and lamentations. Jupiter, at length taking compassion on the poor
mortals, ordered them a second time to lay down their loads, with a design
to give everyone his own again. They discharged themselves with a great
deal of pleasure; after which, the phantom who had led them into such
gross delusions, was commanded to disappear. There was sent in her stead a
goddess of a quite different figure: her motions were steady and composed,
and her aspect serious but cheerful. She every now and then cast her eyes
toward heaven, and fixed them upon Jupiter. Her name was Patience. She had
no sooner placed herself by the Mount of Sorrows, but, what I thought very
remarkable, the whole heap sunk to such a degree that it did not appear a
third part so big as it was before. She afterward returned every man his
own proper calamity, and, teaching him how to bear it in the most
commodious manner, he marched off with it contentedly, being very well
pleased that he had not been left to his own choice as to the kind of evil
which fell to his lot.
Beside the several pieces of morality to be drawn out of this vision, I
learnt from it never to repine at my own misfortunes, or to envy the
happiness of another, since it is impossible for any man to form a right
judgment of his neighbor's sufferings; for which reason, also, I have
determined never to think too lightly of another's complaints, but to
regard the sorrows of my fellow-creatures with sentiments of humanity and
compassion.
NOTES.--Horace (b. 65, d. 8 B. C.) was a celebrated Roman poet.
Jupiter, according to mythology, was the greatest of the Greek and Roman
gods; he was thought to be the supreme ruler of both mortals and
immortals.