Weathersfield--Jonathan puts up at the Astor House--His notion of that
great heap of stones--Jonathan's Ideas of a New York Cab, and the usual
quarrel of a Stranger with Cabmen--A Sensation is created at the Astor.
DEAR PAR:
Here I am down in York agin, as large as life and as springy as a steel
trap. Hurra! but don't it make a feller feel as suple as a green walnut
gad to have these stun side walks under his shoe leather once more! I
raly felt as if I could a'most have jumped over the housen, eend
foremost, I was so glad to git ashore at Peck Slip. Captin Doolittle, he
kept his gab a going, a hull hour, a trying to make out it warn't worthy
a ginuine Yankee to hanker after the York big bugs so. Now my opinion
is, Captin Doolittle ain't no bad judge of onions and other garden
sarse, and he did run the old sloop down here as slick as grease, but
when he sets himself up to talk about genteel society, he raly is green.
Look a here, par, did I ever tell you what a looking place that Astor
House is? If I didn't, jest you suppose that all the stun walls in old
Connecticut had been hewed down as smooth as glass, and heaped together,
one a-top of t'other, over two acres of clearing, up and up, half away
to the sky and a leetle over; suppose then the hull etarnal great heap
cut up into winders and doors, with almighty great slabs of stun piled
up for steps and pillars standing on eend, on the top, to hold them
down--bigger than the highest oak tree you ever sot eyes on, and then
you have some idee what a whopping consarn that Astor House is.
At fust I felt a leetle skeery at going to board there, for think sez I,
if they charge according to the size of the house, I guess it'll make my
puss strings ache; but, think sez I agin, the best taverns, according
to my experience, all'rs charge the leastest prices, I will give 'em a
try any how.
I gin a cuffy on the wharf two cents to go and get a carriage for me,
for I meant to du the thing up in genteel style, and cut the hull figger
when I once begun. Besides, the cabin was so stived up with onion
barrels and heaps of red cabbages, besides the turnips and winter
squashes, that I hadn't no room to fix up in till I got a hum somewhere
else, and my dandy clothes have got a leetle the wus for wear, and don't
cut quite so much of a dash as they used tu. I hadn't but jest time to
rub them down a trifle with a handful of oat straw that I took from one
of the winter apple barrels, and to slick down my hair a few, with both
my hands, when the nigger cum back and said he couldn't find a carriage,
but he'd got a fust rate cab.
Sartinly that cab was one of the darndest queer animals that ever run
arter a hoss. It looked like a set of stairs on wheels, with a great
overgrown leather trunk sot on eend half way up, with the lid turned
over one side. The horse was hitched to the lowermost step, and on the
top step of all, clear back, sot a feller histed up in the air with a
great long whip, and lines that reached clear over the hull consarn to
the horse's head, and this chap was the driver; but he looked as if he'd
been sot there wrong eend foremost, and felt awfully streaked and
top-heavy about it. It raly was curious to watch the chap as he laid his
lines on the top of the box and crept down stairs to stow away my
saddle-bags and the hair trunk that marm gin me. When he'd got through,
I jest lifted one foot from the ground, and there I sot in a little
cushioned pen, like a rooster in a strange coop, or a rat in an empty
meal bin. The feller slam'd tu the door and went up the steps behind
agin, then I ketched sight of the lines a dangling over head, like a
couple of ribbon snakes a twisting about in the sunshine; and away we
went trundling along like a great oversized wheelbarrow, with a horse
before, a driver behind, and a poor unfortunate critter like me cooped
in the middle, with a trunk and pair of saddle-bags for company.
Well, on we went hitch-a-te-hitch, jerk-a-ty-jerk through the carts and
horses till we got out of the slip, and then we kept on a leetle more
regular till by-and-by the horse he stopped all of himself jest afore
the Astor House.
"Wal," sez I to the driver, a feeling in my trousers' pocket for a
ninepence--for the nigger told me that them new fangled cabs had sot up
a sort of cheap opposition to the hacks--so sez I,
"Wal, what's the damage?"
"Only a dollar," sez he, a giving my saddle-bags and trunk a jerk onto
the steps, and eying my old dandy clothes sort of supercilious, as if he
thought it would be a tough job for me to hand over the chink. I begun
to rile up a leetle, but arter a minit I happened to think that no
ginuine gentleman ever gits mad with sich a ruff scuff, so I jest looked
in his face, and sez I,
"How you talk!"
With that I gin him a quarter of a dollar, for I didn't want to be mean;
but the varmint begun to bluster up as if he wanted to kick up a
tantrum. I didn't seem to mind it, but the critter hung on yit for a
whole dollar, like a dog to a sassafras root, and when some waiters cum
down and took away my things, he followed, and ketching hold of the
saddle-bags, said the things shouldn't go till he'd got his pay. With
that I went up to him agin, and sez I,
"Make yourself scarce, you etarnal mean coot, or I'll give you the
purtyest specimen of Weathersfield sole leather that you ever sot eyes
on--one that'll send you up them wheelbarrow steps of yourn swifter than
you cum down, a darned sight. You needn't look at me--I'm in arnest, and
I'll du it, or my name aint Jonathan Slick."
Oh human natur', how the varmint wilted down when I said this; he took
off his hat, and sez he--as mean as a frozen potater--says he,
"I didn't know as it was you."
"I rather guess you didn't," says I.
The feller seemed to feel so sheepish that it sort of mollified me, and
so I up and gave him another four-pence-ha'penny. With that I went up
the steps, up and up till I cum to a great long stun hall that reached
tu all creation, with a kind of a bar-room at one end. It was a sort of
a stun side-walk a shut up in a house; for lots of men were talking and
walking about as easy as if they'd been in the street. I went up to the
bar-room, where a chap sot with sour looks, as if he felt to hum all
over, and says I--
"Do you take in boarders here?"
The chap looked at me from the top of my head to the sole of my foot, as
if he'd never seen a full sized Yankee in his life; and after fidgeting
about, says he--
"Yes, we du sometimes, but mebby you've mistook the place."
"I reckon not," says I. "How much du you charge a week? I paid two
dollars and fifty cents down in Cherry-street, but I s'pose you go as
high as four dollars, or say four fifty."
The feller looked sort of flustered; so thinks says I, I haint got up
the notch yet, so I'll give one more hist.
"Wal, sir, it goes agin the grain; but seeing as it's the Astor House,
per'aps I might give as high as five dollars, if you'd throw in the
washing. I aint hard on clothes, say a shirt and three dickeys, with a
pair of yarn socks a week, and a silk hankercher once a fortnight. I
shall have to be a trifle extravagant in that line."
The feller grew red in the face, and looked as if he was tickled tu
death at gitting such an offer. Think sez I, I hope to gracious I haint
made a coot of myself, and bid up too high. I got so consarned before
the chap spoke, that I sort of wanted to git off edgeways. There was a
great day-book a lying by him, and sez I--
"I see you trust out board by your books; but I'm ready to hand over
every Saturday night; so per'haps you'll take less for cash."
The feller sort of choked in a larf, and sez he--
"That aint a day-book, only one we keep for folks that come here to
write down their names in."
Think sez I, I guess I'll write my name, and then he'll see that he's
got hold of a cute hand for a bargain, and may dock off a trifle on that
are five dollars.
"O," sez I, "that's it; well, give us hold here, and I'll write my name
right off for you."
The feller handed over the pen. I stretched out my right arm, turned the
cuff of my coat over, flourished off a long-tailed J, till the ink
spattered all over the book; then I streaked along to the S, curled it
up harnsomely, and finished off with a K that would have made Mr.
Goldsmith, the writing-master, in Broadway, feel awk'ard if he'd seen
it.
I wish you could have seen that Astor House chap, when he read the name;
he looked as if he didn't know what to du, but at last he stepped back,
and he made a bow, and sez he,--
"Mr. Slick, we are glad to see you at the Astor House, and we hope
you'll stay with us as long as you remain in the city!"
I made him a snubbed sort of a bow, for I didn't want him to think I was
over anxious to stay till we'd clinched the bargain about the board, and
sez I,--
"Wal, now about the price of your fodder; I s'pose you'll dock a leetle
on that offer of mine. It's an allfired hard price, now ain't it?"
"O," sez he, "never mind the board, Mr. Slick, we shan't be hard with
you on that score. The man will show you a room, and I hope you'll feel
yourself quite to hum with us."
With that a feller cum up to look at the big book, and then he whispered
to another, and it wasn't two minits afore a hul squad of fellers cum
around, as if I'd been a bear set up for a show, at a copper a head.
One of the chaps he cut up stairs like all possessed, as if he was a
going tu bring up somebody else, so I begun to think it about time for
me to cut stick; so I hollered arter a waiter, and told him to take me
up where he'd put my trunk. The chap went ahead, and I follered arter.
I tell you what, it wants a steady head to navigate through all them
long entry ways, and up them stairs, around and across every which way,
as I did, till I came to a room door up at the tip top of the house. My
head went around like a fly-trap. When the door was shut I was so dizzy,
I opened the winder, and looked out tu see if the cold air wouldn't du
me good. O gracious me! didn't it make me ketch my breath tu see how
high up they'd stuck me. The clouds seemed to be purty close neighbors.
I looked right straight over the biggest trees in the park, as if
they'd been black alder bushes, and my nose cum jest about on a line
with the City Hall clock. It sartinly did make me feel a leetle skittish
to look down into Broadway. The men went streaking along like a crowd of
good-sized rats a going out a visiting, and the gals that went sidling
along under their parasols, were the darndest harnsome little finefied
things I ever dreamed of. It seemed as if all the wax dolls had broke
loose from the store winders, and was a walkin out to take the air with
each on 'em a toad-stool to keep the sun of. Taking the hul together,
men and gals, coaches, cabs, trees, and horses, it was about the
funniest sight I ever sot eyes on.
It was worth while to look down on the front of the housen too, only one
felt all the time as if he was a goin to topple down head fust. The
winder to my room wasn't none of the largest, and a round vine, all cut
out of the solid stun, was twistified round it on the outside; and a
heap of the same sort stretched along the right and left side like a
string of purty picters hung out for show. Think sez I, if any body
would look up and see me a standing here, they might see the true
profile of Jonathan Slick cut off at the shoulders and hung in a frame,
a live picter, without paint or whitewash. I wish to gracious some of
them York artists would paint me jest so, for I raly must a looked like
a picter while I stood in that winder, but it made me worse insted of
better, so I hauled in my head.
Arter I'd gin myself a good sudsing in the wash-hand basin, I unbuckled
my saddle-bags, and thought I'd fix up a leetle, for somehow my clothes
seemed to smell sort of oniony arter sleeping so long in the sloop
cabin. Since I've been hum my hair has grown about right, only it's a
leetle sun-burnt; but that don't show much when I've combed it out slick
with a fine tooth comb, and rubbed it down with a ball of pomatum,
scented with wintergreen. I parted it straight down the middle, like
some of the gals afore class meeting; and I slicked it down with both
hands, till it glistened like a black cat in the dark.
Arter I'd purty near satisfied myself with that, I sot tu and put on the
red and blue checkered trousers that marm cut and made arter my dandy
clothes made in York. They are a ginuine fit, except that they strain
rather severe on the galluses, and pucker jest the leastest mite about
the knee jints; but they aint so coarse for all tow, nor the cam-colored
coat neither. The cotton dicky that you and Judy fixed up for me, curled
up around my chin and under the ears about the neatest; they looked as
good as linen, every mite; and when I twisted that checkered silk scarf,
that Judy gave me for a keep-sake arter she got mollified about my going
to York, around my neck, and let the long ends, fringe and all, hang
down sort of careless over my green vest, criscrossed with red streaks,
I ruther guess you haint seen a chap of my size dressed up so in a long
time.
You know that great harnsome broach that I bartered away the apple sarse
for in Hartford last fall. Wal, I was jest a sticking that into my shirt
bosom, and a thinking what a consarned harnsome feller was a peaking at
me out of the looking glass, when somebody knocked at the door. I
stopped to twistify my dicky down a trifle, and to shake a leetle speck
of essence of wintergreen on my hankercher, and then I went to the door.
One of the chaps that I'd seen down stairs was there; he didn't say
nothing, but made a bow and gin me a piece of stiff paper about as big
as the ace of spades, with "Fanny Elssler" printed right in the middle
on it.
Wal, think sez I, "what on arth _does_ this mean? I haint seen a door
yard fence nor a post since I come to York, but this ere etarnal name
was stuck up on it, and now I'll be choked if it haint chased me up here
into the tip top of the Astor House." As I was a thinking of this, I
kinder turned the paper in my hand, and there on t'other side was a heap
of the purtyest leetle finefied writing that I ever did see. It was as
plain as print, and as fine as a spider's web, but I couldn't make out a
word of it to save my life.
I never was so flustrated in my born days, but arter thinking on it a
jiffy, I seemed to understand it, and was sartin that somebody had writ
a new fangled sort of a letter to Fanny Ellsler, and had sent it to my
room instead of her'n.
I run out into the entry way and hollered "hellow" to the chap like all
natur, but he'd made himself scarce, and so I went back agin. I swanny,
if I knew how to fix it. I didn't want the pesky critter's letter, and
then agin, I didn't much want to go and carry it to her, for fear she'd
take me for one of them long-haired, lantern-jawed coots that hanker
round sich foreign she critters, like lean dogs a huntin around a bone.
But then agin I raly had a sort of a sneaking notion to see her, if I
could as well as not. So I up and went to the looking glass and gin my
hair a slick or two, and took, a sort of gineral survey, to be sartin
that I was according to gunter.
There wasn't no mistake in that chap, I can tell you. Everything was
smooth as amber-grease, and my hair was so shiney and slick that a fly
would a slipped up if he'd ventured to settle on it. I ony jest pulled
the corner of my new handkercher out of my coat pocket a trifle, then I
put my hat on with a genteel tip upwards, and down I went, chomping a
handful of peppermint drops as I went along in case my breath hadn't
quite got over the smell of fried onions that Captin Doolittle gin me
for breakfast aboard the sloop.
"Look a here," sez I to a chap that I cum across in one of the entryways
as I was a trying to circumnavigate down stairs, "you don't know where
abouts Miss Elssler lives, now du you?"
"Yes," sez he, a stopping short, "she has the large parlor in front,
jest over the great entrance on the second floor."
"What! she don't live here in the Astor House, does she?" sez I,
"Sartinly," sez he.
"You don't say so," sez I.
"Yes I _do_ say so," sez he, a larfin.
"Wal, now I cum to think on it I guess you du," sez I; "but I say now,
you hadn't jest as livs as not go and show me the door, had you?"
"Oh, I haint no particular objections," sez he, and with that he begun
twistifying down stairs and around and across, and I arter him like the
tail to a kite, till by-am-by he hauled up close to a room door, and
arter saying, "this is the room," and giving a bow, cut off before I'd
time to ask him how his marm was.
Your affectionate son,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER XIX.
JONATHAN SLICK AND FANNY ELSSLER.
A live Yankee and the Parisian Danseuse--Fanny sends her Card and
Jonathan makes a call--Down East Yankee and French-English rather hard
to be understood--Jonathan quite killed off by Fanny's Curchies and
Dimples--A little sort of a Flirtation--An Invitation to see Fanny in
Nathalie, which is accepted.
DEAR PAR:
I swow, I thought I should a choked, my heart riz so when I see that I'd
got to go in alone, and when I took hold of the chunk of brass that
opens the door, I felt the blood a biling up into my face like hot sap
in a sugar kettle. I kinder half opened the door, and then I kinder shut
it agin; arter ketching a good long breath I give the door a rap, and
begun to pull up my dicky sort of careless to let 'em know I wasn't
scared nor nothing, and then I rapped agin.
Gracious! before I took my fist away, the door opened softly as if it
slid on ile, and there stood a woman sort of harnsome and sort a not,
with a leetle cap chuck full of posies stuck on the back of her head, a
looking me right in the face as cosey as if she'd been acquainted with
me when I was a nussing baby. I put my foot out to give her my primest
bow, but think sez I, mebby it aint Miss Elssler arter all; she looks
too much like an old maid for that; so I gin my foot a jerk in and my
hand a genteel flurish towards her, and sez I--
"How do you du marm?"
She looked at me sort of funny, and her mouth begun to pucker itself up,
but sez she, "How do you du?" a biting off the words as short as pie
crust.
"Purty well, I'm obliged to you," sez I, "Miss Elssler aint to hum, is
she?"
The critter looked at me as sober as a clam in high water, but yet she
seemed to be kinder tickled inside of her, and turning her head round
she let out a stream of stuff to somebody inside. It wasn't talking, nor
singing, nor scolding, nor yet was it crying, but some sort of sounds
kept a running off from her tongue as soft as a brook over a bed of
white pebble stuns, and about as fast tu. She kept her hand a running up
and down as if she'd half a notion to beat time to her own new fashioned
singing, till all tu once, up cum a critter from t'other eend of the
room, all dressed in white, as if she'd jest cum out of a band-box, with
allfired harnsome black hair sleeked down each side of her face, with a
hull swad of it twisted up behind, with a golden pin stuck through the
heap, like one of marm's spindles spiked through a hunk of flax. The
head of the pin was as big as a shag-bark walnut, and some sort of stun
was sot in it that was like a gal's mind, no two minits alike--now it
was red, now yaller, now green, and again all these colors seemed
jumbled together and a flashing inside of it till you couldn't tell
which was which. I swanny, if it didn't glisten so that I eenamost
forgot that it was stuck in a woman's head, and that she was a looking
into my face as mealy-mouthed and soft as could be.
"Has the gentleman mistook the room," sez she--
The words were sort of snipped off, but oh gracious, warn't they sweet!
lasses candy and maple sugar was in every syllable. It seemed as if the
critter had been fed forever on nothing but mellow peaches and slippery
elm bark, she spoke so soft. She kinder smiled tu, but it was nat'ral as
could be. Think sez I mebby the coot has led me into the wrong goose
pen, but there aint no help for it now. So I jest walked a step for'ard,
and sez I--
"How do you du marm?"
"I kinder guess there aint no mistake worth a mentioning. If Miss
Elssler aint to hum I'll make tracks and cum agin, it aint no trouble,
I'd just as livs as not, but I guess I'll leave this ere letter for fear
she may want it. Some etarnal coot brought it up to my room, but I
suppose the critter didn't know no better--some of these York chaps are
green as young potatoes, don't you think so, marm?"
I didn't wait for no answer, but handed over the new fangled letter,
and was a going right off agin, but she looked at the letter sort of
astonished, and then at me, till I didn't know what to make of it. Arter
a minit, sez she--
"Why dis is the card for Mr. Slick, one of de Editors of de _Express_
who has just arrived; certainly he could not be so rude as to send it
back again."
Oh gracious! think sez I, "Jonathan Slick, if you haint broke your onion
string now!"
"Was the gentleman out?" sez she, looking at the paper, and then at me
agin.
Think sez I--"You'd better ask his marm," for I'll be darned if he can
tell that, or anything else. I aint quite sartin if he knows jest this
minit which eend his head's on. But there's nothing like keeping a stiff
upper lip in sich places as York. In less than half a jiffy I reached
out my hand sort of easy, and took the paper out of her hand, and then I
gin her a smile, as much as to say, aint I a careless shote? and, sez I,
"Now I swanny, did you ever! Well now who'd a thought it,"--and with
that I began to feel in my vest, and dug my hands down in my trousers'
pockets, as if I'd give the wrong paper, and had lost something else,
and wouldn't give up till I'd found it. I didn't seem content till I'd
pulled out my yaller hankercher and shook it, and then I stopped still,
and sez I,
"Now if this don't beat all, aint I the beatermost feller for losing
things? Howsomever, it's well it aint no worse. I can write another
almost any time. Jest tell Miss Elssler that Mr. Slick has called in to
thank her for her harnsome little keepsake, and that he's felt awfully
wamblecropped when he found out she wasn't to hum."
The woman that come to the door fust, she looked at the other and begun
gabbling away, and then the black haired one, sez she,
"Oh, Mister Sleeke, pardon! pardon! I am so sorry to keep you so long
standing. I did not know! walk in, walk in. I am most happy to see
gentlemen of de press--most happy of any to see Mister Sleeke." With
that she stepped back and made the purtyest leetle curchy that ever I
see; it was like a speckled trout diving into a brook jest enough to
give a curve to the water and no more.
"Oh dear!" think sez I, "Jonathan Slick, if you havn't been a weeding in
the wrong bed agin. That critter is Fanny Elssler as true as all
creation; no woman on arth could make sich a curchy but her." I guess my
face blazed up a few, but I seen that there was no backing out, so not
to be behind hand in good manners I stepped back, put out my foot with a
flourish that made the seams to my new trousers give; then I drew my
right heel into the hollow of my left foot, and kept a bending for'ard
all the time with a sort of deliberate gentility, till my eyes had to
roll up the leastest mite to keep sight of her'n. Then I drew up agin
easy, like a jack-knife with a tough spring, and finished off with a
flurish of my hand up to my hat and back agin; that last touch left me
standing parpendic'lar right before her, as a free born citizen of
America ought tu.
"Miss Elssler," sez I, "how do you du? You haint no idea how tickled I
am to see you."
That and the bow of mine did the bisness for her. I never did see a
critter act so tickled--the dimples kept a coming and going round that
sweet mouth of her'n like the bubbles on a glass of prime cider. Her
eyes were brimful of funny looks, and she grew harnsomer every minit.
Her face realy was like a picture book; every time I took a peak it
seemed as if she'd turned over a new leaf with a brighter pictur painted
on it.
She went along towards a bench all cushioned off, that looked as if it
was tu good to be sot on, and there she stood a waving that white hand,
as much as to say, set down here Mr. Slick, and don't be particlar about
gitting too fur off from them square pillars for I shall set agin them
myself.
I made her a kind of a half bow, and then arter giving my hand a wave to
match her'n,--sez I--
"Arter you is manners for me."