"I WISH I HAD A DOT OF MY OWN."
Months passed over, and found us the same busy, tranquil little
household. I used to wonder how my letters could interest Allan so much
as he said they did; I could find so little to narrate. And, talking of
that, it strikes me that we are not sufficiently thankful for the
monotony of life. I speak advisedly; I mean for the quiet uniformity
and routine of our daily existence. In our youth we quarrel a little
with its sameness and regularity; it is only when the storms of sudden
crises and unlooked-for troubles break over our thankful heads that we
look back with regret to those still days of old.
Nothing seemed to happen, nothing looked different. Mother grew a
little stronger as the summer passed, and took a few more household
duties on herself. Dot pined and pinched as the cold weather came on,
as he always did, and looked a shivering, shabby Dot sometimes. Jack's
legs grew longer, and her frocks shorter, and we had to tie her hair to
keep it out of her eyes, and she stooped more, and grew
round-shouldered, which added to her list of beauties; but no one
expected grace from Jack.
At the Cedars things went on as usual, that Flurry left off calling me
Miss Cameron, and took to Esther instead, somewhat scandalizing Miss
Lucas, until she began taking to it herself. "For you are so young, and
you are more Flurry's playfellow than her governess," she said
apologetically; "it is no good being stiff when we are such old
friends." And after that I always called her Miss Ruth.
"Don't you want see to Roseberry, Esther?" asked Flurry, one day--that
was the name of the little seaside place where Mr. Lucas had a cottage.
"Aunt Ruth says you must come down with us next summer; she declares
she has quite set her heart on it."
"Oh, Flurry, that would be delightful!--but how could I leave mother
and Dot?" I added in a regretful parenthesis. That was always the
burden of my song--Mother and Dot.
"Dot must come, too," pronounced Flurry, decidedly; and she actually
proposed to Miss Ruth at luncheon that "Esther's little brother should
be invited to Roseberry." Miss Ruth looked at me with kindly amused
eyes, as I grew crimson and tried to hush Flurry.
"We shall see," she returned, in her gentle voice; "if Esther will not
go without Dot, Dot must come too." But though the bare idea was too
delightful, I begged Miss Ruth not to entertain such an idea for a
moment.
I think Flurry's little speech put a kind thought into Miss Ruth's
head, for when she next invited us to drive with her, the gray horses
stopped for an instant at Uncle Geoffrey's door, and the footman lifted
Dot in his little fur-lined coat, and placed him at Miss Ruth's side.
And seeing the little lad's rapture, and Flurry's childish delight, she
often called for him, sometimes when she was alone, for she said Dot
never troubled her; he could be as quiet as a little mouse when her
head ached and she was disinclined to talk.
I said nothing happened; but one day I had a pleasant surprise, just
when I did not deserve it; for it was one of my fractious days--days of
moods and tenses I used to called them--when nothing seemed quite
right, when I was beset by that sort of grown-up fractiousness that
wants to be petted and put to bed, and bidden to lie still like a tired
child.
Winter had set in in downright earnest, and in those cold dark mornings
early rising seemed an affront to the understanding, and a snare to be
avoided by all right-minded persons; yet notwithstanding all that, a
perverse, fidgety notion of duty drove me with a scourge of mental
thorns from my warm bed. For I was young and healthy, and why should I
lie there while Deborah and Martha broke the ice in their pitchers, and
came downstairs with rasped red faces and acidulated tempers? I was
thankful not to do likewise, to know I should hear in a few minutes a
surly tap at the door, with the little hot-water can put down with
protesting evidence. Even then it was hard work to flesh and blood,
with no dewy lawn, no bird music now to swell my morning's devotion
with tiny chorus of praise; only a hard frozen up world, with a trickle
of meager sunshine running through it.
But my hardest work was with Dot; he used to argue drowsily with me
while I stood shivering and awaiting his pleasure. Why did I not go
down to the fire if I were cold? He was not going to get up in the
middle of the night to please any one; never mind the robins--of which
I reminded him gently--he wished he were a robin too, and could get up
and go to bed with a neat little feather bed tacked to his skin--nice,
cosy little fellows; and then he would draw the bedclothes round his
thin little shoulders, and try to maintain his position.
He quite whimpered on the morning in question, when I lifted him out
bodily--such a miserable Dot, looking like a starved dove in his white
plumage; but he cheered up at the sight of the fire and hot coffee in
the snug parlor, and whispered a little entreaty for forgiveness as I
stooped over him to make him comfortable.
"You are tired, Esther," said my mother tenderly, when she saw my face
that morning; "you must not get up so early this cold weather, my
dear." But I held my peace, for who would dress Dot, and what would
become of Jack? And then came a little lump in my throat, for I was
tired and fractious.
When I got to the Cedars a solemn stillness reigned in the nursery, and
instead of an orderly room a perfect chaos of doll revelry prevailed.
All the chairs were turned into extempore beds, and the twelve dolls,
with bandaged heads and arms, were tucked up with the greatest care.
Flurry met me with an air of great importance and her finger on her lip.
"Hush, Esther, you must not make a noise. I am Florence Nightingale,
and these are all the poor sick and wounded soldiers; look at this one,
this is Corporal Trim, and he has had his two legs shot off."
I recognized Corporal Trim under his bandages; he was the very doll
Flossy had so grievously maltreated and had robbed of an eye; the waxen
tip of his nose was gone, and a great deal of his flaxen wig
besides--quite a caricature of a mutilated veteran.
I called Flurry to account a little sternly, and insisted on her
restoring order to the room. Flurry pouted and sulked; her heart was at
Scutari, and her wits went wool-gathering, and refused dates and the
multiplication table. To make matters worse, it commenced snowing, and
there was no prospect of a walk before luncheon. Miss Ruth did not come
down to that meal, and afterward I sat and knitted in grim silence.
Discipline must be maintained, and as Flurry would not work, neither
would I play with her; but I do not know which of us was punished the
most.
"Oh, how cross you are, Esther, and it is Christmas eve!" cried Flurry
at last, on the verge of crying. It was growing dusk, and already
shadows lurked in the corner of the room, Flurry looked at me so
wistfully that I am afraid I should have relented and gone on a little
with Juliet, only at that moment she sprang up joyfully at the sound of
her aunt's voice calling her, and ran out to the top of the dark
staircase.
"We are to go down, you and I; Aunt Ruth wants us," she exclaimed,
laying violent hands on my work. I felt rather surprised at the
summons, for Miss Ruth never called us at this hour, and it would soon
be time for me to go home.
The drawing-room looked the picture of warm comfort as we entered it;
some glorious pine logs were crackling and spluttering in the grate,
sending out showers of colored sparks.
Miss Ruth was half-buried in her easy-chair, with her feet on the white
fleecy rug, and the little square tea-table stood near her, with its
silver kettle and the tiny blue teacups.
"You have sent for us, Miss Ruth," I said, as I crossed the room to
her; but at that instant another figure I had not seen started up from
a dark corner, and caught hold of me in rough, boyish fashion.
"Allan! oh Allan! Allan!" my voice rising into a perfect crescendo of
ecstasy at the sight of his dear dark face. Could anything be more
deliciously unexpected? And there was Miss Ruth laughing very softly to
herself at my pleasure.
"Oh, Allan, what does this mean," I demanded, "when you told us there
was no chance of your spending Christmas with us? Have you been home?
Have you seen mother and Dot? Have you come here to fetch me home?"
Allan held up his hands as he took a seat near me.
"One question at a time, Esther. I had unexpected leave of absence for
a week, and that is why you see me; and as I wanted to surprise you
all, I said nothing about it. I arrived about three hours ago, and as
mother thought I might come and fetch you, why I thought I would, and
that you would be pleased to see me; that is all my story," finished
Allan, exchanging an amused glance with Miss Ruth. They had never met
before, and yet they seemed already on excellent terms. All an made no
sort of demur when Miss Ruth insisted that we should both have some tea
to warm us before we went. I think he felt at home with her at once.
Flurry seemed astonished at our proceeding. She regarded Allan for a
long time very solemnly, until he won her heart by admiring Flossy;
then she condescended to converse with him.
"Are you Esther's brother, really?"
"Yes, Miss Florence--I believe that is your name."
"Florence Emmeline Lucas," she repeated glibly. "I'm Flurry for short;
nobody calls me Florence except father sometimes. It was dear mamma's
name, and he always sighs when he says it."
"Indeed," returned Allan in an embarrassed tone; and then he took
Flossy on his knee and began to play with him.
"Esther is rich," went on Flurry, rather sadly. "She has three
brothers; there's Fred, and you, and Dot. I think she likes Dot best,
and so do I. What a pity I haven't a Dot of my own! No brothers; only
father and Aunt Ruth."
"Poor little dear," observed Allan compassionately--he was always fond
of children. His hearty tone made Flurry look up in his face. "He is a
nice man," she said to me afterward; "he likes Flossy and me, and he
was pleased when I kissed him."
I did not tell Flurry that Allan had been very much astonished at her
friendship.
"That is a droll little creature," he said, as we left the house
together; "but there is something very attractive about her. You have a
nice berth there, Esther. Miss Lucas seems a delightful person," an
opinion in which I heartily agreed. Then he asked me about Mr. Lucas;
but I had only Flurry's opinion to offer him on that subject, and he
questioned me in his old way about my daily duties. "Mother thinks you
are overworked, and you are certainly looking a little thin, Esther.
Does not Carrie help you enough? And what is this I have just heard
about the night school?"
Our last grievance, which I had hitherto kept from Allan; but of course
mother had told him. It was so nice to be walking there by his side,
with the crisp white snow beneath our feet, and the dark sky over our
heads; no more fractiousness now, when I could pour out all my worries
to Allan.
Such a long story I told him; but the gist of it was this; Carrie had
been very imprudent; she would not let well alone, or be content with a
sufficient round of duties. She worked hard with her pupils all day,
and besides that she had a district and Sunday school; and now Mrs.
Smedley had persuaded her to devote two evenings of her scanty leisure
to the night school.
"I think it is very hard and unjust to us," I continued rather
excitedly. "We have so little of Carrie--only just the odds and ends of
time she can spare us. Mrs. Smedley has no right to dictate to us all,
and to work Carrie in the way she does. She has got an influence over
her, and she uses it for her own purposes, and Carrie is weak to yield
so entirely to her judgment; she coaxes her and flatters her, and talks
about her high standard and unselfish zeal for the work; but I can't
understand it, and I don't think it right for Carrie to be Mrs.
Smedley's parochial drudge."
"I will talk to Carrie," returned Allan, grimly; and he would not say
another word on the subject. But I forgot all my grievances during the
happy evening that followed.
Allan was in such spirits! As frolicsome as a boy, he would not let us
be dull, and so his talk never flagged for a moment. Dot laughed till
the tears ran down his cheeks when Allan kicked over the mending
basket, and finally ordered Martha to take it away. When Carrie
returned from the night school, she found us all gathered round the
fire in peaceful idleness, listening to Allan's stories, with Dot on
the rug, basking in the heat like a youthful salamander.
I think Allan must have followed her up to her room, for just as I was
laying my head on the pillow there was a knock at the door, and Carrie
entered with her candle, fully dressed, and with a dark circle round
her eyes.
She put down the light, so as not to wake Jack, and sat down by my side
with a weary sigh.
"Why did you all set Allan to talk to me?" she began reproachfully.
"Why should I listen to him more than to you or mother? I begin to see
that a man's foes are indeed of his own household."
I bit my lips to keep in a torrent of angry words. I was out of
patience with Carrie, even a saint ought to have common sense, I
thought, and I was so tired and sleepy, and to-morrow was Christmas Day.
"I could not sleep until I came and told you what I thought about it,"
she went on in her serious monotone. I don't think she even noticed my
exasperated silence. "It is of no use for Allan to come and preach his
wordly wisdom to me; we do not measure things by the same standard, he
and I. You are better, Esther, but your hard matter-of-fact reasoning
shocks me sometimes."
"Oh, Carrie! why don't you create a world of your own," I demanded,
scornfully, "if we none of us please you--not even Allan?"
"Now you are angry without cause," she returned, gently, for Carrie
rarely lost her temper in an argument; she was so meekly obstinate that
we could do nothing with her. "We cannot create our own world, Esther;
we can only do the best we can with this. When I am working so hard to
do a little good in Milnthorpe, why do you all try to hinder and drag
me back?"
"Because you are _over_doing it, and wearing yourself out," I returned,
determined to have my say; but she stopped me with quiet peremptoriness.
"No more of that, Esther; I have heard it all from Allan. I am not
afraid of wearing out; I hope to die in harness. Why, child, how can
you be so faint-hearted? We cannot die until our time comes."
"But when we court death it is suicide," I answered, stubbornly; but
Carrie only gave one of her sweet little laughs.
"You foolish Esther! who means to die, I should like to know? Why, the
child is actually crying. Listen to me, you dear goosie. I was never so
happy or well in my life." I shook my head sorrowfully, but she
persisted in her statement. "Mrs. Smedley has given me new life. How I
do love that woman! She is a perfect example to us--of unselfishness
and energy. She says I am her right hand, and I do believe she means
it, Esther." But I only groaned in answer. "She is doing a magnificent
work in Milnthrope," she continued, "and I feel so proud that I am
allowed to assist her. Do you know, I had twenty boys in my class this
evening; they would come to me, though Miss Miles' class was nearly
empty." And so she went on, until I felt all over prickles of
suppressed nervousness. "Well, good-night," she said, at last, when I
could not he roused into any semblance of interest; "we shall see which
of us be right by-and-by."
"Yes, we shall see," I answered, drowsily; but long after she left I
muttered the words over and over to myself, "We shall see."
Yes, by-and-by the light of Divine truth would flash over our actions,
and in that pure radiance every unworthy work would wither up to
naught--every unblessed deed retreat into outer darkness. Which would
be right, she or I?
I know only too well that, taking the world as a whole, we ought to
_encourage_ Christian parochial work, because too many girls who
possess the golden opportunity of leisure allow it to be wasted, and so
commit the "sin of omission;" but there would have been quite as much
good done had Carrie dutifully helped in our invalid home and cheered
us all to health by her bright presence. And besides, I myself could
then perhaps have taken a class at me night school if the
stocking-mending and the other multitudinous domestic matters could
have allowed it.
The chimes of St. Barnabas were pealing through the midnight air before
I slept. Above was the soft light of countless stars, sown broadcast
over the dark skies. Christmas was come, and the angel's song sounding
over the sleeping earth.
"Peace and goodwill to men"--peace from weary arguments and fruitless
regret, peace on mourning hearts, on divided homes, on mariners tossing
afar on wintry seas, and peace surely on one troubled girlish heart
that waited for the breaking of a more perfect day.