{65}We shall now consider the law, as our laws are very considerable,
both in bulk and number, according as the statutes declare;
_considerandi, considerando, considerandum_; and are not to be meddled
with by those that don't understand 'em. Law always expressing itself
with true grammatical precision, never confounding moods, cases, or
genders, except indeed when a _woman_ happens accidentally to be slain,
then the verdict is always brought in _man_-slaughter. The essence of
the law is altercation; for the law can altercate, fulminate, deprecate,
irritate, and go on at any rate. Now the quintessence of the law has,
according to its name, five parts. The first is the _beginning_, or
_incipiendum_; the second the _uncertainty_, or _dubitandum_; the
third _delay_, or _puzzliendum_; fourthly _replication_ without _endum_;
and, fifthly, _monstrum et horrendum_.
{66}All which are exemplified in the following cases, Daniel against
Dishclout.--Daniel was groom in the same family wherein Dishclout was
cookmaid; and Daniel, returning home one day fuddled, he stooped down to
take a sop out of the dripping-pan, which spoiled his clothes, and he
was advised to bring his action against the cookmaid; the pleadings of
which were as follow. The first person who spoke was Mr. Serjeant
Snuffle. He began, saying, "Since I have the honour to be pitched upon
to open this cause to your Lordship, I shall not impertinently presume
to take up any of your Lordship's time by a round-about circumlocutory
manner of speaking or talking, quite foreign to the purpose, and not any
ways relating to the matter in hand. I shall, I will, I design to shew
what damages my client has sustained hereupon, whereupon, and thereupon.
Now, my Lord, my client, being a servant in the same family with
Dishclout, and not being at board wages, imagined he had a right to the
fee-simple of the dripping-pan, therefore he made an attachment on the
sop with his right-hand, which the defendant replevied with her left,
tripped us up, and tumbled us into the dripping-pan. Now, in Broughton's
Reports, Slack _versus_ Small wood, it is said that _primus {67}strocus
sine jocus, absolutus est provokus_. Now who gave the _primus strocus?_
who gave the first offence? Why, the cook; she brought the driping-pan
there; for, my Lord, though we will allow, if we had not been there, we
could not have been thrown down there; yet, my Lord, if the dripping-pan
had not been there, for us to have tumbled down into, we could not have
tumbled into the dripping-pan." The next counsel on the same side began
with, "My Lord, he who makes use of many words to no purpose has not
much to say for himself, therefore I shall come to the point at once; at
once and immediately I shall come to the point. My client was in liquor:
the liquor in him having served an ejectment upon his understanding,
common sense was nonsuited, and he was a man beside himself, as Dr.
Biblibus declares, in his Dissertation upon Bumpers, in the 139th folio
volume of the Abridgment of the Statutes, page 1286, where he says, that
a drunken man is _homo duplicans_, or a double man; not only because he
sees things double, but also because he is not as he should be,
_profecto ipse_ he; but is as he should not be, _defecto tipse_ he."
{68}The counsel on the other side rose up gracefully, playing with his
ruffles prettily, and tossing the ties of his wig about emphatically.
He began with, "My Lord, and you, gentlemen of the jury, I humbly do
conceive I have the authority to declare that I am counsel in this case
for the defendant; therefore, my Lord, I shall not flourish away in
words; words are no more than filligree work. Some people may think them
an embellishment; but to me it is a matter of astonishment how any one
can be so impertinent to the detriment of all rudiment. But, my Lord,
this is not to be looked at through the medium of right and wrong; for
the law knows no medium, and {69}right and wrong are but its shadows.
Now, in the first place, they have called a kitchen my client's
premises. Now a kitchen is nobody's premises; a kitchen is not a
warehouse, nor a wash-house, a brew-house, nor a bake-house, an
inn-house, nor an out-house, nor a dwelling-house; no, my Lord, 'tis
absolutely and _bona fide_ neither more nor less than a kitchen, or, as
the law more classically expresses, a kitchen is, _camera necessaria pro
usus cookare; cum saucepannis, stewpannis, scullero, dressero, coalholo,
stovis, smoak-jacko,pro roastandum, boilandum,fryandum, et plum-pudding
mixandum, pro turtle soupos, calve's-head-hashibus, cum calipee et
calepashibus_.
"But we shall not avail ourselves of an _alibi_, but admit of the
existence of a cook-maid. Now my Lord, we shall take it upon a new
ground, and beg a new trial; for, as they have curtailed our name from
plain Mary into Moll, I hope the court will not allow of this; for, if
they were to allow of mistakes, what would the law do? for, when the
law don't find mistakes, it is the business of the law to make them."
Therefore the court allowed them the liberty of a new trial; for the law
is our liberty, and it is happy for us we have the liberty to go to law.
{70}By all the laws of laughing, every man is at liberty to play the
fool with himself; but some people, fearful it would take from their
consequence, choose to do it by proxy: hence comes the appearance of
keeping fools in great families. [_Takes the head._] Thus are they
dressed, and shew, by this party-coloured garment, they are related to
all the wise families in the kingdom.
This is a Fool's Cap; 'tis put upon Nobody's head. Nobody's face is
without features, because we could not put Anybody's face upon Nobody's
head. This is the head of Somebody. [_Takes the head._] It has two
faces, for Somebody is supposed to carry two faces. One of these
faces is handsome, the other rather ill-favoured. The handsome face
is exhibited as a hint to that part {71}of mankind who are always
whispering among their acquaintance, how well they are with Somebody,
and that Somebody is a very fine woman. One of those boasters of beauty,
one night at a tavern, relating his amazing amours, the toast-master
called him to order, and a gentleman in a frolic, instead of naming
any living lady for his toast, gave the Greek name of the tragic muse
Melpomene; upon which the boaster of beauty, the moment he heard the
word Melpomene, addresses the toast-master, "Oh! ho! Mr. Toastmaster,
you are going a round of demireps. Ay, ay, Moll Pomene, I remember her
very well; she was a very fine girl, and so was her sister, Bet Po-mene;
I had 'em both at a certain house, you know where?" Can we help smiling
at the partiality of the present times? that a man should be transported
if he snares a hare, or nets a partridge, and yet there is no punishment
for those whisperers away of ladies' reputations? But ill tongues would
fall hurtless were there no believers to give them credit; as robbers
could not continue to pilfer were there no receivers of stolea goods.
{72}Here is the head [_takes it_] of Anybody, with his eyes closed, his
mouth shut, and his ears stopped; and this is exhibited as an emblem
of wisdom; and anybody may become wise, if they will not spy into the
faults of others, tell tales of others, nor listen to the tales of
others, but mind their own business, and be satisfied. Here is the head
[_takes it_] of Everybody. [_ Turns the head round._] This is to show
how people dread popular clamour, or what all the world will say, or
what every body will say. Nay, there is not a poor country wench,
when her young master the 'squire attempts to delude her, but will
immediately reply to him, "Lord!--Your honour!--What will the world
say?" And this, _what will the {73}world say_, is what everybody is
anxious after, although it is hardly worth anybody's while to trouble
their heads with the world's sayings.
These four heads of Nobody, Everybody, Somebody, and Anybody, form a
fifth head, called a Busybody. The Busybody is always anxious after
something about Somebody. He'll keep company with Anybody to find out
Everybody's business; and is only at a loss when this head stops his
pursuit, and Nobody will give him an answer. It is from these four heads
the fib of each day is fabricated. Suspicion begets the morning whisper,
the gossip Report circulates it as a secret, wide-mouthed Wonder gives
Credulity credit for it, and Self-interest authenticates that, as
Anybody may be set to work by Somebody, Everybody's alarmed at it, and,
at last, there is Nobody knows any thing at all of the matter. From
these four heads people purchase lottery-tickets, although calculation
demonstrates the odds are so much against them; but Hope flatters them,
Fancy makes them believe, and Expectation observes, that the twenty
thousand pounds prizes must come to Somebody [_gives the head off_];
and, as Anybody may have them [_gives the head off_], and Nobody
{74}knows who [_gives the head off_], Everybody buys lottery-tickets.
[_Gives the head off._]
Most difficult it is for any single speaker long to preserve the
attention of his auditors: nay, he could not continue speaking,
conscious of that difficulty, did he not depend greatly on the humanity
of his hearers. Yet it is not flattery prompts the lecturer to this
address; for, to shew in how odious a light he holds flattery, he here
exposes the head of flattery. [_Takes the head._]
This being, called Flattery, was begat upon Poverty, by Wit; and that
is the reason why poor {75}wits are always the greatest flatterers. The
ancients had several days they called lucky and unlucky ones; they
were marked as white and black days. Thus is the face of Flattery
distinguished; to the lucky she shews her white, or shining profile;
to the unlucky she is always in eclipse: but, on the least approach
of calamity, immediately Flattery changes into reproach. [_Opens the
head._] How easy the transition is from flattery into reproach; the
moral of which is, that it is a reproach to our understandings to
suffer flattery. But some people are so fond of that incense, that they
greedily accept it, though they despise the hand that offers it, without
considering the receiver is as bad as the thief. As every head here is
intended to convey some moral, the moral of this head is as follows:
This head was the occasion of the first duel that ever was fought, it
then standing on a pillar, in the centre, where four roads met. Two
knights-errant, one from the north, and one from the south, arrived at
the same instant at the pillar whereon this head was placed: one of the
knights-errant, who only saw this side of the head, called out, "It
is a shame to trust a silver head by the road side." "A silver head!"
replied the knight, who only saw this side of the head, "it is a black
{76}head." Flat contradiction produced fatal demonstration; their swords
flew out, and they hacked and hewed one another so long, that, at last,
fainting with loss of blood, they fell on the ground; then, lifting
up their eyes, they discovered their mistake concerning this image. A
venerable hermit coming by, bound up their wounds, placed them again on
horseback, and gave them this piece of advice, That they never hereafter
should engage in any parties, or take part in any dispute, without
having previously examined both sides of the question.
We shall now conclude this part of the lecture with four national
characters.
{77}Here is the head of a Frenchman [_shews the head_], all levity and
lightness, singing and capering from morning till night, as if he looked
upon life to be but a long dance, and liberty and law but a jig. Yet
Monsieur talks in high strains of the law, though he lives in a country
that knows no law but the caprice of an absolute monarch. Has he
property? an edict from the Grand Monarch can take it, and the slave
is satisfied. Pursue him to the Bastile, or the dismal dungeon in the
country to which a _lettre de cachet_ conveys him, and buries the wretch
for life: there see him in all his misery; ask him "What is the cause?"
{78}"_Je ne sçai pas_, it is de will of de Grand Monarch." Give him a
_soupe maigre_, a little sallad, and a hind quarter of a frog, and he's
in spirits.--"_Fal, lai, lai, vive le roy, vive la bagatelle_." He is
now the declared enemy of Great Britain: ask him, "Why?--has England
done your country an injury?" "Oh no." "What then is your cause of
quarrel?" "England, sir, not give de liberty to de subject. She will
have de tax upon de tea; but, by gar, sir, de Grand Monarch have send
out de fleet and de army to chastise de English; and, ven de America are
free, de Grand Monarch he tax de American himself." "But, Monsieur,
is France able to cope with England on her own element, the sea?" "_Oh!
pourquois non?_" "Why not?"
{79}Here is the head of a British Tar [_shews the head_]; and, while
England can man her navy with thousands of these spirits, Monsieur's
threats are in vain. Here is a man who despises danger, wounds,
and death; he fights with the spirit of a lion, and, as if (like a
salamander) his element was fire, gets fresh courage as the action grows
hotter; he knows no disgrace like striking to the French flag; no reward
for past services so ample as a wooden leg; and no retreat so honourable
as Greenwich hospital. Contrast his behaviour with that of a French
sailor, who must have a drawn sword over his head to make him stand to
his gun, who runs trembling to the priest for an absolution--"_Ah, mon
bon pere, avez pitié de moi!_" when he
{80}should look death in the face like a man. This brave tar saw the
gallant Farmer seated on his anchor, his ship in a blaze, his eye fixed
on the wide expanse of the waters round him, scorning to shrink, waiting
with the calm firmness of a hero for the moment when he was to die
gloriously in the service of his country.
Here is the head of a Spaniard, [_Shews the head._] But first I had
better remove the Frenchman, for fear of a quarrel between the two
allies. Now he has no dislike to England; he wishes, as Spain ever did,
for peace with England, and war with all the world; he remembers the
latter end {81}of the last war, the British fleets thundering in their
ports, and the whole nation abhorring the French for the calamities
brought upon them by an intriguing Italian cabinet. He was taken
prisoner by the gallant Sir George Rodney; and the only favour he asked,
upon coming to England, was not to be imprisoned with a Frenchman,
detesting all connexion with that superficial, dancing, treacherous
people. The Frenchman, vain and sanguine to the last, encourages his
ally to persevere. _Attendre, attendre, mon cher ami_.--"Wait, my good
friend, we shall get the game yet." "Certainly," replies the grave Don,
"for we get all the rubbers." But, whilst these two are mourning over
their losses by the war, here comes another to complete the procession
of madness and folly.
{82}This is the head [_shews it_] of Mynheer Van Neverfelt Large Breecho
Love Cabbecho Dutch Doggero, a great merchant at Rotterdam; who had
amassed an immense fortune by supplying the enemies of Great Britain
with hemp, and who, if he had his deserts, should die as he has lived
by it. He considers treaties as mere court promises; and these, in the
vulgar acceptation of a pie-crust, whenever they cover any advantage, it
is but breaking them, and down with friendship and honour in a bite.
He looks upon interest to be the true law of nature, and principal a
Sinking Fund, in which no Dutchman should be concerned. He looks upon
money to be the greatest good upon earth, and a pickled herring {83}the
greatest dainty. If you would ask him what wisdom is, he'll answer
you, Stock. If you ask him what benevolence is, he'll reply, Stock: and
should you inquire who made him, he would say, Stock; for Stock is the
only deity he bows down to. If you would judge of his wit, his whole
Stock lies in a pipe of tobacco; and, if you would judge of his
conversation, a bull and a bear are his Stock companions. His conduct
to all men and all nations is most strikingly typified by Hogarth's Paul
before Felix, in true Dutch gusto, where the guardian angel, Conscience,
has fallen asleep, which Avarice, in the shape of the devil, taking
advantage of, saws asunder the legs of the stool upon which the apostle
is exhibited standing. But the vengeance of Britain's insulted genius
has overtaken him, in the east and in the west, and Holland has received
blows, for her breach of compacts, she will remember as long as her
dykes defend her from the encroachments of the ocean.
When men have eminently distinguished themselves in arts or arms, their
characters should be held up to the public with every mark of honour, to
inspire the young candidate for fame with a generous emulation. There
is a noble enthusiasm in great minds, which not only inclines them to
{84}behold illustrious actions with wonder and delight, but kindles also
a desire of attaining the same degree of excellence. The Romans, who
well knew this principle in human nature, decreed triumphs to their
generals, erected obelisks and statues in commemoration of their
victories; and to this day the cabinet of the antiquarian preserves
records of the victories of a Germanicus, the generosity of a Titus, or
the peaceful virtues of an Antonius. Why then should not England adopt
the practice of the Romans, a people who reached the highest pinnacle of
military glory? It is true that some of our great generals have marble
monuments in Westminster Abbey. But why should not the living enjoy
the full inheritance of their laurels? If they deserve to have their
victories proclaimed to the world by the voice of Fame, let it be when
men are sensible to the sweetness of her trumpet, for she will then
sound like an angel in their ears. Here is the head of a British Hero; a
title seldom conferred, and as seldom merited, till the ardent valour of
the youthful warrior is ripened into the wisdom and cool intrepidity of
the veteran. He entered the service with the principles of a Soldier
and a patriot, the love of fame, and the love of his country. His mind
active and {85}vigorous, burning with the thirst of honour, flew to
posts of danger with a rapidity which gave tenfold value to his military
exertions, and rendered his onsets terrible as resistless. No expedition
appeared to him either difficult or impracticable that was to be
undertaken for the good of the cause he had embarked in. Fortune too
seemed enamoured of his valour, for she preserved his life in many
actions; and, though he cannot stretch forth an arm without shewing
an honourable testimony of the dangers to which he was exposed, he has
still a hand left to wield a sword for the service of his country. As he
is yet in the prime of life, there is nothing too great to be expected
from him. He resembles the immortal Wolfe in his fire and fame. And
oh, for the good of England, that Wolfe, in his fortunes, had resembled
Tableton!
END OF PART IV.