Produced by David Widger
A LECTURE ON HEADS
By Geo. Alex. Stevens
WITH ADDITIONS,
By Mr. Pilon
AS DELIVERED by Mr. Charles Lee Lewes.
TO WHICH IS ADDED, AN ESSAY ON SATIRE.
WITH FORTY-SEVEN HEADS By Nesbit, From Designs By Thurston.
1812.
[Transcriber's Note: Numbers in the text within curly brackets are page
numbers.]
ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC.
There having been several pirated editions published of this Lecture,
it is necessary to describe their nature, and to explain the manner in
which they were obtained; from which the public will judge, how much
they have been imposed upon by the different publishers.
When the Lecture was first exhibited, a very paltry abridgment was
published by a bookseller in the city. This edition was so different
from the original delivered by Mr. Stevens, that he thought it too
contemptible to affect his interest, which alone prevented him from
commencing any legal process against the {VI}publisher for thus
trespassing on his right and property.
Mr. Stevens, having exhibited his Lecture with most extraordinary
success in London, afterwards delivered it, with a continuance of that
success, in almost every principal town in England and Ireland. During
this itinerant stage of its exhibition, it had received great additions
and improvements from the hints and suggestions of Churchill, Howard,
Shuter, and many other wits, satirists, and humourists, of that day. It
therefore re-appeared again in London almost a new performance. This,
I suppose, induced another bookseller in the Strand to publish his
edition, with notes, written by a Reverend Gentleman: however this might
be, Mr. Stevens obtained an injunction against the continuance of
that publication; he was dissuaded from proceeding to trial by the
interposition of friends, who persuaded the litigants, over a bottle,
to terminate their difference; Mr. Stevens withdrew his action, and
the publication was suppressed. I relate this circumstance from {VII}the
authority of Mr. Stevens himself. The public will, no doubt, be
surprised to find that this Lecture should ever have been pirated, by
one who is now complaining of a similar act against himself. I am no
advocate for any infringements of right or property; but I cannot avoid
thinking, that complaints of this nature come with a very ill grace
from those who have committed the same species of literary depredations
themselves. The last piratical publication of this Lecture was by a
stationer in Paternoster-Row, who has had the assurance to use my name
without having my authority, or even asking my permission. He likewise
very falsely and impudently asserts, that he has published it as I
spoke it at Covent-Garden theatre. It is so much the contrary, that
it contains not a syllable of the new matter with which it was then
augmented. With respect to the rest, it is taken from the spurious and
very imperfect abridgment first mentioned in this piratical list. It is,
therefore, evident, that the original Lecture was never before published
until this opportunity {VIII}which I have taken of thus submitting it to
the Public, for their approbation and patronage, whose
Most humble and devoted servant
I am,
CHARLES LEE LEWES.
July 22, 1785.
PROLOGUE,
Written By Mr. Pilon Spoken At The Theatre Royal, Covent-Garden, June
24, 1780.
All's safe here, I find, though the rabble rout
A few doors lower burnt the quorum out.
Sad times, when Bow-street is the scene of riot,
And justice cannot keep the parish quiet.
But peace returning, like the dove appears,
And this association stills my fears;
Humour and wit the frolic wing may spread,
And we give harmless Lectures on the Head.
Watchmen in sleep may be as snug as foxes,
And snore away the hours within their boxes;
Nor more affright the neighbourhood with warning,
Of past twelve o'clock, a troublesome morning.
Mynheer demanded, at the general shock,
"Is the Bank safe, or has it lower'd the stock?"
"Begar," a Frenchman cried, "the Bank we'll rob,
"For I have got the purse to bribe the mob."--
"Hoot awa, mon!" the loyal Scot replies,
"You'll lose your money, for we'll hong the spies:
"Fra justice now, my lad, ye shanna budge,
"Tho' ye've attack'd the justice and the judge."--
"Oh! hold him fast," says Paddy, "for I'll swear
"I saw the iron rails in Bloomsbury-square
"Burnt down to the ground, and heard the mob say,
"They'd burn down the Thames the very next day."
Tumult and riot thus on every side
Swept off fair order like the raging tide;
Law was no more, for, as the throng rush'd by,
"Woe to my Lord Chief Justice!" was the cry.
And he, rever'd by every muse so long,
Whom tuneful Pope immortaliz'd in song,
Than whom bright genius boasts no higher name,
Ev'n he could find no sanctuary in fame;
With brutal rage the Vandals all conspire,
And rolls of science in one blaze expire.
But England, like the lion, grows more fierce
As dangers multiply, and foes increase;
Her gen'rous sons, with Roman ardour warm,
In martial bands to shield their country arm,
And when we trembled for the city's fate,
Her youth stood forth the champions of the state;
Like brothers, leagu'd by nature's holy tie,
A parent land to save, or bravely die.
Did Britons thus, like brothers, always join,
In vain to crush them would the world combine;
Discord domestic would no more be known,
And brothers learn affection from the throne.
But know your Lecturer's awful hour is come
When you must bid him live, or seal his doom!
He knows 'tis hard a leader's post to fill
Of fame superior, and more ripen'd skill.
The blame will all be mine, if troops should fail,
Who'd lose their heads, but never could turn tail
Who no commander ever disobey'd,
Or overlook'd the signals which he made.
Under your auspices the field I take,
For a young general some allowance make;
But if disgracefully my army's led,
Let this court-martial then cashier my head.
ADDITIONAL LINES TO THE PROLOGUE,
Spoken At Newbury,
In Consequence Of Lady Craven Bespeaking The Lecture,
Who Had Published
Some Lines On Dreaming
She Saw Her Heart At Her Feet.
Written By Mr. Pratt.
'MIDST scenes like these, for so her lines impart,
The Queen of Benham lost that gem her heart;
Scar'd by the din, her bosom treasure flew,
And with it every grace and muse withdrew.
But far, or long, the wanderer could not roam,
For wit and taste soon brought the truant home!
One tuneful sonnet at her feet it sung,
Then to her breast, its snowy mansion, sprung;
Thither it went, the virtues in its train,
To hail the panting blessing back again.
On its fair throne it now appears as Queen,
And sheds its lustre o'er this humble scene;
Its radiant sceptre deigns o'er me to spread
The genial beams which fancy feign'd were fled.
Ah, no! her gentle heart this night is here;
Where'er 'tis wanted-you will find it there:
In vain the Muse shall fix it on the floor,
It knocks this ev'ning at the Lecturer's door,
And smiles, with him, that riot is no more.
LECTURE ON HEADS.
PART I.
{1}Every single speaker, who, like me, attempts to entertain an
audience, has not only the censure of that assembly to dread, but also
every part of his own behaviour to fear. The smallest error of voice,
judgment, or delivery, will be noted: "All that can be presumed upon in
his favour is, _a hope_ that he may meet with that indulgence which
an English audience are so remarkable _for_, and that every exhibition
stands so much in need _of_."
This method of lecturing is a very ancient custom; Juno, the wife of
Jupiter, being the first who gave her husband a lecture, and, from the
place wherein that oration was supposed to have been delivered, they
have always, since that time, been called _curtain lectures_.
{2}But, before I pretend to make free with other people's heads, it may
be proper to say something upon my own, if upon my own any thing could
be said to the purpose; but, after many experiments, finding I could not
make any thing of my own, I have taken the liberty to try what I could
do by exhibiting a Collection of Heads belonging to other people. But
here is a head [shews Stevens''s head] I confess I have more than once
wished on my own shoulders: but I fear my poor abilities will bring
a blush into its cheeks. In this head Genius erected a temple to
Originality, where Fancy and Observation resided; and from their union
sprang this numerous and whimsical progeny. This is the head of George
Alexander Stevens, long known and long respected; a man universally
acknowledged of infinite wit and most excellent fancy; one who gave
peculiar grace to the jest, and could set the table in a roar with
flashes of merriment: but wit and humour were not his only excellencies;
he possessed a keenness of satire, that made Folly hide her head in the
highest places, and Vice tremble in the bosoms of the great: but now,
blessed with that affluence which genius and prudence are sure to
acquire in England, the liberal patroness of the fine arts, he now
enjoys that ease his talents {3}have earned, whilst Fame, like an
evening sun, gilds the winter of his life with mild, but cheerful beams.
With respect, but honest ambition, I have undertaken to fill his place,
and hope my attention and zeal to please, will speak in behalf of
conscious inferiority.
A HEAD, to speak in the gardener's style, is a mere _bulbous
excrescence_, growing out from between the shoulders like a wen; it is
supposed to be a mere expletive, just to wear a hat on, to fill up the
hollow of a wig, to take snuff with, or have your hair dressed upon.
Some of these heads are manufactured in _wood_, some in _pasteboard_;
which is a hint to shew there may not only be _block-heads_, but also
_paper-skulls_.
{4}Physicians acquaint us that, upon any fright or alarm, the spirits
fly up into the _head_, and the blood rushes violently back to the
_heart_. Hence it is, politicians compare the human constitution and
the nation's constitution together: they supposing the head to be the
_court_ end of the town, and the heart the _country_; for people in the
country seem to be taking things to heart, and people at court seem to
wish to be at the head of things.
We make a mighty bustle about the twenty-four letters; how many changes
they can ring, and how many volumes they have composed; yet, let us look
upon the many millions of mankind, and see if any two faces are alike.
Nature never designed several faces which we see; it is the odd exercise
they give the muscles belonging to their visages occasions such looks:
as, for example; we meet in the streets with several people talking to
themselves, and seem much pleased with such conversation. [_Here take
them off._] Some people we see staring at every thing, and wondering
with a foolish face of praise, [_make a face here_]; some laughing,
some crying. Now crying and laughing are contrary effects, the least
alteration of features occasions the difference; it is turning _up_ the
muscles to laugh [_do so here_], and _down_ to cry.
{5}Yet laughter is much mistook, no person being capable of laughing,
who is incapable of thinking. For some people suddenly break out into
violent spasms, ha, ha, ha! and then without any gradation, change
at once into downright stupidity; as for example-[_Here shews the
example._]
In speaking about faces, we shall now exhibit a bold face. [_Shews the
head. _]
This is Sir Whisky Whiffle. He is one of those mincing, tittering,
tip-toe, tripping animalculæ of the times, that flutter about fine women
like flies in a flower garden; as harmless, and as constant as their
shadows, they dangle by the side of beauty like part of their watch
equipage, as glittering, as light, and as useless; and the ladies suffer
{6}such things about them, as they wear soufflée gauze, not as things of
value, but merely to make a shew with: they never say any thing to the
purpose; but with this in their hands [_takes up an eye-glass_] they
stare at ladies, as if they were a jury of astronomers, executing a writ
of inquiry upon some beautiful planet: they imagine themselves possessed
of the power of a rattle-snake, who can, as it is said, fascinate by a
look; and that every fine woman must, at first sight, fall into their
arms.--"Ha! who's that, Jack? she's a devilish fine woman, 'pon honour,
an immensely lovely creature; who is she? She must be one of us; she
must be comeatable, 'pon honour."--"No, Sir," replies a stranger, that
overheard him, "she's a lady of strict virtue."--"Is she so? I'll look
at her again--ay, ay, she may be a lady of strict virtue, for, now I
look at her again, there is something devilish un-genteel about her."
{7}_Wigs_, as well as _books_, are furniture for the head, and both
_wigs_ and _books_ are sometimes equally voluminous. We may therefore
suppose this wig [_shews a large wig_] to be a huge quarto in large
paper; this is a duodecimo in small print [_takes the knowing head_];
and this a jockey's head, sweated down to ride a sweepstakes. [_Takes
the jockey's head._] Now a jockey's head and a horse's head have great
affinity, for the jockey's head can pull the horse's head on which side
of the post the rider pleases: but what sort of heads must those people
have who know such things are done, and will trust such sinking
funds with their capitals? These are a couple of heads which, in the
{8}Sportsman's Calendar, are called a brace of knowing ones; and, as a
great many people about London affect to be thought knowing ones, they
dress themselves in these fashions, as if it could add to the dignity
of ahead, to shew they have taken their degrees from students in the
stable, up to the masters of arts, upon a coach-box. [_ Gives the two
heads off, and takes the book-case._]
The phrase of wooden-heads is no longer paradoxical; some people set up
wooden studies, cabinet-makers become book-makers, and a man may shew a
parade of much reading, by only the assistance of a timber-merchant. A
student in the temple may be furnished with a collection of law
books cut from a _whipping-post_; physical dictionaries may be had in
_Jesuits' bark_; a treatise upon duels in _touchwood_; the history
of opposition in _wormwood_; Shakespeare's works in _cedar_, his
commentators in _rotten wood_; the reviewers in birch, and the history
of England in _heart of oak_.
Mankind now make use of substitutes in more things than book-making and
militia-men: some husbands are apt to substitute inferior women to their
own ladies, like the idiot, who exchanged a brilliant for a piece
of broken looking-glass; of such husbands we can only say, they have
{9}borrowed their education from these libraries, and have wooden, very
wooden tastes indeed. [_ Gives it off._]
Here's a head full charged for _fun_ [_takes the head_], a comical
half-foolish face, what a great many upon the stage can put on, and what
a great many people, not upon the stage, can't put off. This man always
laughed at what he said himself, and he imagined a man of wit must
always be upon the broad grin; and whenever he was in company he was
always teasing some one to be merry, saying, "Now you, muster what do
you call 'im? do now say something to make us all laugh; come, do now
be comical a little." But if there is no {10}other person will speak, he
will threaten to "tell you a story to make you die with laughing," and
he will assure you, "it is the most bestest and most comicallest story
that ever you heard in all your born days;" and he always interlards
his narration with "so as I was a saying, says I, and so as he was
a saying, says he; so says he to me, and I to him, and he to me
again;----did you ever hear any thing more comical in all your born
days?" But after he has concluded his narration, not finding any person
even to smile at what he said, struck with the disappointment, he puts
on a sad face himself, and, looking round upon the company, he says,
"It was a good story when I heard it too: why then so, and so, and so,
that's all, that's all, gentlemen." [_Puts on a foolish look, and gives
the head off._]
{11}Here is Master Jacky [_takes the head_], mamma's darling; when she
was with child of him she dreamt she was brought to bed of a pincushion.
He was never suffered to look into a book for fear of making him
round-shouldered, yet was an immense scholar for all that; his mamma's
woman had taught him all Hoyle by heart, and he could calculate to a
single tea-spoonful how much cream should be put into a codlin tart. He
wears a piece of lace which seems purloined from a lady's tucker, and
placed here, to shew that such beings as these can make no other use
of ladies' favours than to expose them. Horace had certainly such a
character in view by his _dulcissime rerum_--"sweetest of all things;"
all essence and effeminacy; {12}and that line of his--_Quid Agis,
dulcissime rerum?_ may be rendered, "What ails you, master Jacky?" As
they have rivalled the ladies in the delicacy of their complexion, the
ladies therefore have a right to make reprisals, and to take up that
manliness which our sex seems to have cast off.
Here is a Lady in her fashionable uniform. [_Takes up the head._] She
looks as if marching at the head of a battalion, or else up before day
to follow the hounds with spirit; while this lies in bed all the
morning, with his hands wrapped up in chicken gloves, his complexion
covered with milk of roses, essence of May-dew, and lily of the valley
water. This does honour to creation; this {13}disgraces it. And so far
have these things femalized themselves, by effeminate affections, that,
if a lady's cap was put on this head, Master Jacky might be taken for
Miss Jenny [_puts a lady's cap on the head of Master Jacky_]; therefore
grammarians can neither rank them as _masculine_ or _feminine_, so set
them down of the _doubtful_ gender. [_Puts off the heads._]
Among the multitude of odd characters with which this kingdom abounds,
some are called generous fellows, some honest fellows, and some devilish
clever fellows. Now the generous fellow is treat-master; the
honest fellow is toast-master; and the devilish clever fellow he is
singing-master, who is to keep the company alive for four or five hours;
then your honest fellow is to drink them all dead afterwards. They
married into Folly's family, from whom they received this crest, and
which nobody chooses to be known by. [_ Takes up the fool's cap._]
{14}This Fool's Cap is the greatest wanderer known; it never comes
home to any body, and is often observed to belong to every body but
themselves. It is odd, but the word nobody, and the term nothing,
although no certain ideas can be affixed to them, are often made such
use of in conversation. Philosophers have declared they knew nothing,
and it is common for us to talk about doing nothing; for, from ten to
twenty we go to school to be taught what from twenty to thirty we are
very apt to forget; from thirty to forty we begin to settle; from forty
to fifty we think away as fast as we can; from fifty to sixty we are
very careful in our accounts; and from sixty to seventy we cast up what
all our thinking comes to; and then, {15}what between our losses and our
gains, our enjoyments and our inquietudes, even with the addition of
old age, we can but strike this balance [_Takes the board with
cyphers_]--These are a number of nothings, they are hieroglyphics of
part of human kind; for in life, as well as in arithmetic, there are
a number of nothings, which, like these cyphers, mean nothing in
themselves, and are totally insignificant; but, by the addition of a
single figure at their head, they assume rank and value in an instant.
The meaning of which is, that nothing may be turned into something by
the single power of any one who is lord of a golden manor. [_Turns the
board, shews the golden one._] But, as these persons' gains come from
nothing, we may suppose they will come to nothing; and happy are they
who, amidst the variations of nothing, have nothing to fear: if they
have nothing to lose, they have nothing to lament; and, if they have
done nothing to be ashamed of, they have every thing to hope for. Thus
concludes the dissertation upon nothing, which the exhibitor hopes he
has properly executed, by making nothing of it.
{16}This is the head of a London Blood, taken from the life. [_Holds the
head up._] He wears a bull's forehead for a fore-top, in commemoration
of that great blood of antiquity, called Jupiter, who turned himself
into a bull to run away with Europa: and to this day bloods are
very fond of making beasts of themselves. He imagined that all mirth
consisted in doing mischief, therefore he would throw a waiter out of
the window, and bid him to be put into the reckoning, toss a beggar in
a blanket, play at chuck with china plates, run his head against a wall,
hop upon one leg for an hour together, carry a red-hot poker round the
room between his teeth, and say, "done first for fifty."
{17}He was quite the thing, either for kicking up a riot, or keeping
it up after he had kicked it up: he was quite the thing, for one day he
kicked an old woman's codlin-kettle about the streets: another time he
shoved a blind horse into a china shop--_that was damned jolly_: he was
a constant customer to the round house: a terror to modest women, and a
dupe to the women of the town; of which this is exhibited as a portrait.
[_ Take the head._] This is the head of a Man of the Town, or a Blood;
and this of a Woman of the Town, or a ------; but whatever other title
the lady may have, we are not entitled to take notice of it; all that we
can say is, that we beg Mirth will spare one {18}moment to Pity; let not
delicacy be offended if we pay a short tribute of compassion to these
unhappy examples of misconduct; indeed, in the gay seasons of irregular
festivity, indiscretion appears thus--[_takes off that, shews the
other:_] but there is her certain catastrophe; how much therefore
ought common opinion to be despised, which supposes the same fact, that
betrays female honour, can add to that of a gentleman's. When a beauty
is robbed, the hue and cry which is raised, is never raised in her
favour; deceived by ingratitude, necessity forces her to continue
criminal, she is ruined by our sex, and prevented reformation by the
reproaches of her own. [_Takes it off._] As this is the head of a Blood
going to keep it up [_takes it off_], here is the head of a Blood after
he has kept it up. [_Shews that head._] This is the head of a married
Blood--what a pretty piece of additional furniture this is to a lady of
delicacy's bed-chamber: What then? it's beneath a man of spirit, with
a bumper in his hand, to think of a wife: that would be spoiling his
sentiment: no, he is to keep it up, and to shew in what manner our
London Bloods do keep it up. We shall conclude the first part of this
lecture by attempting a specimen--[_puts on the Blood's wig_]: "Keep it
up, huzza! {19}keep it up! I loves fun, for I made a fool of my father
last April day. I will tell you what makes me laugh so; we were keeping
it up, faith, so about four o'clock this morning I went down into the
kitchen, and there was Will the waiter fast asleep by the kitchen fire;
the dog cannot keep it up as we do: so what did I do, but I goes softly,
and takes the tongs, and I takes a great red-hot coal out of the fire,
as big as my head, and I plumpt it upon the fellow's foot, because I
loves fun; so it has lamed the fellow, and that makes me laugh so. You
talk of your saying good things; I said one of the best things last week
that ever any man said in all the world. It was what you call your
_rappartées_, your _bobinâtes_. I'll tell you what it was: You must
know, I was in high spirits, faith, so I stole a dog from a blind man,
for I do love fun! so then the blind man cried for his dog, and that
made me laugh; so says I to the blind man, 'Hip, master, do you want
your dog?' 'Yes, sir,' says he. Now, only mind what I said to the
blind man. Says I, 'Do you want your dog?' 'Yes, sir,' says he. Then
says I to the blind man, says I, 'Go look for him.'--Keep it up! keep it
up!--That's the worst of it, I always turn sick when I think of a
parson, I always do; and my brother he {20}is a parson too, and he hates
to hear any body swear; so I always swear when I am along with him, to
roast him. I went to dine with him one day last week, and there was my
sisters, and two or three more of what you call your modest women; but I
sent 'em all from the table before the dinner was half over, for I loves
fun; and so there was nobody but my brother and me, and I begun to
swear; I never swore so well in all my life; I swore all my new oaths;
it would have done you good to have heard me swear: so then, my brother
looked frightened, and that was fun. At last he laid down his knife and
fork, and lifting up his hands and his eyes, he calls out, _Oh Tempora!
oh Mores!_---'Oh ho, brother!' says I, 'what, you think to frighten me,
by calling all your family about you; but I don't mind you, nor your
family neither--Only bring Tempora and Mores here, that's all; I'll box
them for five pounds; here,--where's Tempora and Mores? where are
they?--Keep it up! keep it up!"
END OF PART I.