Or clad yourself in Zamiel's skin,
Your tending spirits we;
Or "Peeping Tom" may be more apt,
Since all are in your record clapp'd
We send to Coventry.
5 Colonel A------y, certainly tho first whist player of the
rooms.
If he ever drilled a company of raw recruits half as well as
he manages a handful of bad cards, he must have been the
very admirable Crichton of soldiership.
6 Mr. R------n, a facetious and good-humoured son of Erin;
true
as clock-work to the board of green cloth, though he has
been an age making a fortune from it.
7 Among the most fashionable amusements of Cheltenham are
the fancy-balls, given by two or three of the principal
sojourners in that place, of card-playing, scandal,
freemasonry, and hot water--God knows how many are in the
latter ingredient! The most splendid I recollect was
given by Colonel---------, or rather Miss---------, whose
_protege_ he married; touching which alliance, there is a
story of some interest and much romance. Of that, as Pierce
Egan says very wittily in every critique, "of that anon."
There certainly was some fun and humour displayed by a few
of the characters on the particular evening I mention; the
two best performers were a reverend gentleman as
one of Russell's waggoners, inimitably portrayed, and
Captain B. A-----e, not the author of "To Day," but his
brother, as an Indian prince. The dress, appearance, and
language to the life.
~241~~
Yet still you've shown us, my smart beau,
Things that we should and should not know,
Vide the Oakland cots.
Bernard Blackmantle, learned Spy,
Don't you think hundreds will cry fie,
If you expose such plots?
You should have told them as I do,
And yet I love your hunters too,
That nothing is so vile
As strutting up and down a street,8
Dirt-spatter'd o'er from head to feet,
In the horse-jockey style.
_Ne sutor ultra crep_, should tell
These red-coats 'tis a paltry swell,
Such careless customs backing;
If they must strut in spurs and boots,
For once I'd join the chalk recruits,
And shout, "Use Turner's Blacking."
Howe'er, push on--there are of all,
Good, bad, high, low, and short, and tall,
That seek from you decrees.
Fear not, strike strong--you must not fly--
We will have shots enough--I'm by,
A Mephistopheles.
8 There surely is much and offensive vanity in the practice
adopted by many members of the B. H. of appearing on the
pro-menades and in the rooms of Cheltenham, bespattered o'er
with the slush and foam of the hunting field. Every
situation has its decent appropriations, and one would
suppose comfort would have taught these Nimrods a better
lesson. It is pardonable for children to wear their
Valentines on the 14th of February, or for a young ensign to
strut about armed _cap a pie_ for the first week of his
appointment; but the fashion of showing off in a red jerkin,
soiled smalls, mudded boots, and blooded spurs, is not
imitable: there is nothing of the old manhood of sport in
it; foppery and fox-hunting are not synonymous. Members of
the B. H. look to it; follow no leader in this respect. Or,
if you must needs persevere, turn your next fox out in the
ball-room, and let the huntsman's horn and the view halloo
supersede the necessity of harps and fiddle-strings.
~242~~
We'll learn and con them each by heart, Set them in note books by our
art, Each lord, and duke, and tailor. From Dr. S------{9} to Peter
K------, U------, O------, and I------, and E-----, and A------, Down to
the ploughman Naylor.{10}
Then let them sow their crop of cares, Their flowers, their weeds, their
fruit, their tares, Not looking ere they leap. We, like the folks
in Jamie's book{11} Will i' the dark sharp up our hook, And, my own
Barnard, reap.
9 Dr. S---------e, a very singular, but a very hearty kind
of Caleb Quotem. He has been soldier, and sailor, doctor,
and, I believe, divine. He is as well known at the best
parties as the Wells and the Market-house. He gives feasts
fit for the gods at home, and invariably credits his
neighbours' viands as being Jove's nectar or the fruits of
Paradise, so as to him they be not forbidden. Short commons
could not upset his politeness. His anecdotes have a spice
of the old courtier about them; but the line old _chanson a
boire_, from Gammar Gurton's Needle,
"Back and side go bare, go bare,
Both foot and hand go cold;
But belly, God send good ale enough,
Whether it be new or old;"
he really gives beautifully, and with a spice of the olden
time quite delightful.
10 Mr. Naylor, of the Plough hotel; an excellent Boniface,
a good friend, and a merry companion. As a boy, I recollect
him keeping the Castle at Marlborough; at "frisky
eighteen," I have contributed to his success at the Crown at
Portsmouth; and I now, older, and it may be, a little wiser
grown, patronize him occasionally at Cheltenham.
11 Vide Hogg's Brownie of Bodsbeck.
A TRIP TO THE SPAS.
~243~~
CHAPTER II.
The Spas--Medicinal Properties--Interesting specimens of
the Picturesque--"Spasmodic Affections from Spa Waters"--
Grotesque Scripture--The Goddess Hygeia--Humorous Epitaph--
Characters in the High Street--Traveller's Hall, or Sketches
in the Commercial Room at the Bell Inn, Cheltenham.
"For walks and for waters, for beaux and for belles,
There's nothing in nature to rival their wells."
Inquisitive traveller, if you would see the Well-walks in perfection,
you must rise early, and take a sip of the saline aperients before you
taste of the more substantial meal which the _Plough_-man. Naylor, or
the Cheltenham _Bell_-man, or the _Shep-herd_ of the _Fleece_, will be
sure to prepare for your morning mastication. Fashion always requires
some talismanic power to draw her votaries together, beyond the mere
healthful attractions of salubrious air, pleasant rides, romantic
scenery, and cheerful society; and this magnet the Chelts possess in the
acknowledged medicinal properties of their numerous spas, the superior
qualities of which have been thus pleasantly poetized:--
"They're a healthful, and harmless, and purgative potion,
And as purely saline as the wave of the ocean,
Whilst their rapid effects like a----
----Hush! never mind;
We'll leave their effects altogether behind."
In short, if you wish to obtain benefit by the drinking of the waters,
you must do it _dulcius ex ipso fonte_, as my Lord Bottle-it-out's
system, the nobleman who originally planned the Well-walks, of sending
it home ~244~~to the drinkers in bed, has long since been completely
exploded; while, on the other hand, its rapid effects have been very
faithfully delineated by my friend Transit's view of the Royal Wells,
as they appeared on the morning of our visitation, presenting some
very interesting specimens of the picturesque in the Cruikshank style,
actually drawn upon the spot, and affording to the eye of a common
observer the most indubitable proofs of the active properties of the
Sulphate of soda, and oxide of iron,
And gases, that none but the muse of a Byron
Would attempt to describe in the magic of sound,
Lest it made a report ere he'd quitted the ground;
And poets are costive, as all the world knows,
And value no fame that smells under their nose.
"Would you like to take off a glass of the waters, sir?" said a very
respectable-looking old lady to my friend Transit, who was at that
moment too busily engaged in taking off the water-drinkers to pay
attention to her request. "There's a beautiful contortion!" exclaimed
Bob; sketching a beau who exhibited in his countenance all the horrors
of cholera, and was running away as fast as his legs could carry him.
"See, with what alacrity the old gentleman is moving off yonder,
making as many wry faces as if he had swallowed an ounce of corrosive
sublimate--and the ladies too, bless me, how their angelic smiles
evaporate, and the roseate bloom of their cheeks is changed to the
delicate tint of the lily, as they partake of these waters. What an
admirable school for study is this! here we can observe every transition
the human countenance is capable of expressing, from a ruddy state of
health and happiness, to one of extreme torture, without charging our
feelings with violence, and knowing that the pains are those of the
patient's own seeking, and the penalties not of any long duration." In
short, my friend Bob furnished, instanter, the subject of "Spasmodic
Affections from, ~245~~Spa Waters," (see plate); certainly one of his
most spirited efforts.
[Illustration: page245]
But we must not pass by the elegant structure of Montpelier Spa, the
property of Pearson Thompson, esquire, whose gentlemanly manners,
superior talents, and kind conduct, have much endeared him to all
who know him as an acquaintance, and more to those who call him their
friend. Passing on the left-hand side of the upper well-walk, we found
ourselves before this tasteful structure, and were much delighted
with the arrangement of the extensive walks and grounds by which it is
surrounded:--a health-inspiring spot, and as we are told,
"Where Thompson's supreme and immaculate taste
Has a paradise form'd from a wilderness waste;
With his walks rectilineous, all shelter'd with trees,
That shut out the sunshine and baffle the breeze,
And a field, where the daughters of Erin{12}may roam
In a fence of sweet-brier, and think they're at home."
The Sherborne Spa, but recently erected, is indeed a very splendid
building, and forms a very beautiful object from the High-street, from
which it is plainly seen through a grove of trees, forming a vista of
nearly half a mile in length, standing on a gentle eminence, presenting
on both sides gravelled walks, with gardens and elegant buildings, that
display great taste in architecture. The Pump-room is a good specimen of
the Grecian Ionic, said to be correctly modelled from the temple on the
river Ilissus at Athens, and certainly is altogether a work worthy of
admiration. The grotesque colossal piece of sculpture which crowns the
central dome, as well as the building, has been wittily described by the
author of the "Cheltenham Mail."
12 The great number of Irish families who reside and
congregate at Cheltenham fully justifies the poet's
particular allusion to the fair daughters of Erin.
~246~~
"And then lower down, in fine Leckampton stone,
We've the fane of _Ilissus_ in miniature shown;
And crown'd with Hygeia--a bouncer, my lud!
And as plump, ay, as any princess of the blood,
Carved in stone, but a good imitation of wood:
With her vest all in plaits, like some ancient costume,
But or Roman or Grecian, I'm loth to presume,
So I cannot be _poz_ yet I blush to confess,
That her limbs are shown off in a little undress;
Whilst the goddess herself, _en bon point_ as she is,
With her curls _a la Grecque_, and but little _chemise_,
Is so plump and so round, my dear sir, it is plain,
She must bring _the robust_ into fashion again."
Coming back through the churchyard from Alstone Spa, we discovered the
following humorous epitaph.
"Here lies John Ball;
An unfortunate fall,
By crossing a wall,
Brought him to his end."
Peace to his manes! But, with such a notice above him to excite
attention, it is well he hears not, or ten times a clay his sleep might
be sadly disturbed. Once more we are in the High Street, where I shall
just sketch two or three singularities, without which my notice of the
eccentrics of Cheltenham might be deemed imperfect.
The dashing knight coming this way on horseback, with his
double-pommelled saddle, is a well-known Cheltenham resident, whose love
of the good things of this world induced him to look into the kitchen
for a helpmate, and he found one, who not only supplies his table with
excellent dishes, but also furnishes the banquet with a liberal quantity
of sauce. The group of _roues_ to the right, standing under the
portico (I suppose I must call it) to the rooms, is composed of that
good-humoured fellow Ormsby, who sometimes figures here as an amateur
actor, and, whether on or off the stage, is generally respected for
the amiable qualities of his heart. The ~247~~gentleman with the _blue
bauble_ round his neck is, or was, a lieutenant-colonel, and still loves
to fire a great gun now and then, when he gets into the trenches before
Seringapatam; but I must leave others to unriddle the character, while
I pay my respects to another military hero, who is no less famous among
the Chelts for his attachment to the stage--Lieutenant-colonel B*****ll,
of whom it would be difficult for any one who knew him to speak
disrespectfully. Sir John N****tt and his son, who are here called the
inseparables, finish the picture upon this spot, with the exception of
my old friend the jack of trumps, R*l*y, whose arch-looking visage I
perceive peeping out like the first glance of a court card in the rear
of a bad hand; but let him pass: the mirror of the English Spy reflects
good qualities as well as bad ones, and I should not do him justice if
I denied him a fair proportion of both. Descending to observe the
eccentrics in a more humble sphere, who can pass by the dandy candy
man with his box of sweetmeats, clean in person as a new penny, and
his sturdy figure most religiously decorated with lawn sleeves, and
a churchman's _tablier_ in front; while his ruddy weather-beaten
countenance, and hairy foraging cap, give him the appearance of a Scotch
presbyterian militant in the days of the covenanters. Then, too, his
wares cure all diseases, from a ravaging consumption to a frame-shaking
hooping cough; and not unlikely are as efficacious as the nostrums of
the less Mundivagant professors of patent empiricism. Of all men in the
world your coach _cad_ has the quickest eye for detecting a stranger;
and who but Sam Spring, the box-book keeper of Drury Lane, whose eternal
bow has grown proverbial, could ask an impudent question with more
politeness than Mr. Court, the _charge de affaires_ in the High Street,
for the conflicting interests of half a hundred coach proprietors 1 "Do
you travel to-day, sir?--Very happy to send for your luggage--Go by the
early coach, sir?--Our porter ~248~~shall call you up, only let me put
you down at our office." Thus actually bowing you into his book a
week before you had any serious intention of travelling, by the very
circumstance of reminding you of the mode by which you intend to reach
home. I could add to these sketches a few singularities among the
trading brotherhood of the Chelts; but we may meet again: and after
all it would, perhaps, be considered invidious to point out the honest
tradesman to public notice, merely because he has caught something of
the eccentricities of his betters, or, like them, is led away by the
force of example.
ERRATA.
In Chapter I, page 223, Contents, dele hi, and for Penn,
read pun. The Man in the Cloak, noble Anecdote of, instead
of the Fox* hunting Parson,--Printer.
TRAVELLER'S HALL.
~249~~
Sketches in the Commercial Room at the Bell Inn,
Cheltenltam--The Traveller's Ordinary--Trade Puns--Bolton
Trotters and Trottees--Song, All the Booksellers--Curious
Sporting Anecdote of a Commercial Man--Song, The Knight of
the Saddle Bags--Private Theatricals in Public--Visit to
the Oakland Cottages, a Night Scene.
An invitation to dine with the traveller to a London house in the paper
and print line, yclept booksellers, introduced the English Spy and his
friend, the artist, to the scene here presented (see plate).
[Illustration: page249]
Reader, if you wish to make a figure among the Chelts and be thought
any thing of, you will, of course, domicile at the Plough; but if your
object is a knowledge of life, social conversation, a great variety
of character, and a never-failing fund of mirth and anecdote, join the
gentleman travellers who congregate at the Bell or the Fleece, where you
will meet with merry fellows, choice viands, good wine, excellent beds,
and a pretty chambermaid into the bargain. Your commercial man is
often a fellow of infinite jest, a travelling vocabulary of provincial
knowledge, and a faithful narrator of the passing events of the time.
Who can speak of the increasing prosperity, or calculate upon the
falling interests of a town, so well as your flying man of business 1
The moment he enters a new place he expects the landlord to be ready,
cap in hand, to welcome him; he first sees his horse into a stall, and
lectures the ostler upon the art of rubbing him down--orders boots to
~250~~bring in his travelling bags or his driving box, and bids the
waiter send the chambermaid to show him his bed-room--grumbles that it
is too high up, has no chimney in the apartment, or is situate over the
kitchen or the tap-room--swears a tremendous oath that he will order his
baggage to be taken to the next house, and frightens the poor girl into
the giving him one of the best bed-apartments, usually reserved for
the coffee-room company. Returning below, he abuses the waiter for
not giving him his letters, that have been waiting his arrival a week,
before he went up stairs--directs boots to be ready to make the circuit
of the town with him after dinner, carrying his pattern-books, perhaps
half a hundred-weight of Birmingham wares, brass articles, or patterns
of coffin furniture; and having thus succeeded in putting the whole
house into confusion, only to let them know that the Brummagem gentleman
has arrived on his annual visit to the Chelts, with a new stock of every
thing astonishing in the brass line, he places himself down at a side
table, to answer to his principals for being some days later on
his march than they had concluded--remits a good sum in bills and
acceptances, and adds thereunto a sheet of orders, that will suffice to
keep the firm in good temper for a week to come: sometimes, indeed,
the postscript contains a hint of an expected "whereas," or strong
suspicions of an act of insolvency, but always couched in the most
consolatory terms, hoping the dividend will turn out to be better than
present circumstances might lead them to expect. In his visits to his
customers he is the most courteous, obliging fellow imaginable; there is
no trouble he thinks too much if he is likely to obtain his last account
and a fresh order; then, too, his generosity is unbounded: he invites
the tradesman to take wine with him at his inn, inquires kindly
after all the family, hopes business is thriving, makes an offer of
~251~~doing any thing for him along the road, and bows himself and his
pattern-cards out of the shop, with as much humility and apparent
sense of obligation as the most expert courtier could put on when his
sovereign deigns to confer upon him some special mark of his royal
favour. It is at his inn alone that his independence breaks forth, and
here he often assumes as much consequence as if he was the head of the
firm he represents, and always carried about him a _plum_ at least in
his breeches pocket. This is a general character, and one, too, formed
upon no slight knowledge of commercial men; but with all this, the man
of the world will admire them and seek their company; first, that his
accommodations are generally better, and the charges not subject to the
caprice of the landlord; and, secondly, for the sake of society; for
what on earth can be more horrible than to be shut up in a lone room,
a stranger in a provincial town, to eat, drink, and pass the cheerless
hour, a prey to solitude and _ennui_?
But there is sometimes a little fastidiousness about these _knights of
the saddle-bag_, in admitting a stranger to hob and nob with them;
to prevent a knowledge, therefore, of our pursuits, my friend Bob was
instructed, before entering the room, to sink the arts, and if any
inquisitive fellow should inquire what line he travelled in, to reply,
in the print line; while your humble servant, it was agreed, should
represent some firm in the spring trade; and thus armed against
suspicion, we boldly marched into the commercial-room just as the
assembled group of men of business were sitting down to dinner, hung
our hats upon a peg, drew our chairs, uninvited, to the table, fully
prepared to feel ourselves at home, and do ample justice to the
"bagmen's banquet."