Etona's motto, crest, and pride,
Is feeling, courage, friendship, love.
Farewell my Muse! farewell my song'
Farewell Salthill! farewell brave Captain;
As ever uniform was clapt in;
Since Fortune's kind, pray do not mock her;
Your humble poet,
HERBERT STOCKHORE.
Herbert Stockhore was originally a bricklayer, and now resides at a
little house which he has built for himself, and called Mount Pleasant,
in a lane leading from Windsor to the Meadows. He has a wife and
daughter, honest, industrious people, who reside with him, and are by no
means displeased at the visit of a stranger to their eccentric relative.
Some idea of the old man's amusing qualifications may be conceived from
the following description, to which I have added the account he gives
of his heraldic bearings. It must be recollected that the Etonians
encourage these whims in the poor old man, and never lose an opportunity
of impressing Stockhore with a belief in the magnificent powers of
his genius.--After we had heard him recite several of his unconnected
extempore rhapsodies, we were to be indulged with the Montem ode; this
the old man insisted should be spoken in his gala dress; nor could all
the entreaties of his wife and daughter, joined to those of myself and
friend (fearful of appearing obtrusive), dissuade old Herbert from his
design. He appeared quite frantic with joy when the dame brought forth
from an upper apartment these insignia of his laureateship; the careful
manner in which they were folded up and kept clean gave us to understand
that the good woman herself set some store by them. The wife and
daughter now proceeded to robe the laureate bard: the first garment
which was placed over his shoulders, and came below his waist, was a
species of tunic made out of patches of bed-furniture, trimmed in the
most fantastic manner with fragments of worsted fringe of all colors.
Over this he wore an old military jacket, of a very ancient date in
respect to costume, and trimmed like the robe with fringe of every
variety. A pair of loose trowsers of the same materials as the tunic
were also displayed; but the fashion of the poet's head-dress exceeded
all the rest for whimsicality: round an old soldier's cap a sheet of
pasteboard was bent to a spiral form, rising about fourteen inches, and
covered with some pieces of chintz bed-furniture of a very rich pattern;
in five separate circles, was disposed as many different colors of
fringes; some worsted twisted, to resemble feathers, was suspended from
the side; and the whole had the most grotesque appearance, more nearly
resembling the papal crown in similitude than any thing else I can
conceive.
~65~~
Poor harmless soul, thy merry stave
Shall live when nobler poets bend;
The poor old fellow seemed elated to a degree. We had sent for a little
ale for him, but were informed he was not accustomed to drink much of
any strong liquor. After a glass, Herbert recited with great gesture and
action, but in a very imperfect manner, the Montem ode; and then for
a few minutes seemed quite exhausted. During this exhibition my friend
Transit was engaged in sketching his portrait, a circumstance that
appeared to give great pleasure to the wife and daughter, who earnestly
requested, if it was published, to be favored with a copy. We had now
become quite familiar with the old man, and went with him to view his
Montem car and Arabian pony, as he called them, in a stable adjoining
the house. On our return, my friend Transit observed that his cart
required painting, and should be decorated with some appropriate emblem.
Herbert appeared to understand the idea, and immediately proceeded to
give us a history of his heraldic bearings, or, as he said, what his
coat of arms should be, which, he assured us, the gentlemen of Eton
had subscribed for, and were having prepared at the Heralds' College in
London, on purpose for him to display next Montem. "My grand-father,"
said Stockhore, "was a hatter, therefore I am entitled to the beaver in
the first quarter of my shield. My grandfather by my mother's side was
a farmer, therefore I should have the wheat-sheaf on the other part.
My own father was a pipe-maker, and that gives me a noble ornament, the
cross pipes and glasses, the emblems of good fellowship. Now my wife's
father was a tailor, and that yields me a goose: those are the bearings
of the four quarters of my shield. Now, sir, I am a poet--ay, the poet
laureate of Montem; and that gives me a right to the winged horse for
my crest. There's a coat of arms for you," said poor Herbert; "why, it
would beat every thing but the king's; ay, and his too, if it wasn't for
the lion and crown." The attention we paid to this whim pleased the poor
creature mightily; he was all animation and delight. But the day was
fast declining: so, after making the poor people a trifling present for
the trouble we had given them, my friend Transit and myself took our
farewell of poor Herbert, not, I confess, without regret; for I think
the reader will perceive by this brief sketch thero is great character
and amusement in his harmless whims. I have been thus particular in my
description of him, because he is always at Montem time an object of
much curiosity; and to every Etonian of the last thirty years, his
peculiarities must have frequently afforded amusement.
~66~~
And when Atropos to the grave
Thy silvery locks of gray shall send,
Etona's sons shall sing thy fame,
_Ad Montem_ still thy verse resound,
Still live an ever cherish'd name,
As long as _salt_{2} and sock abound.
2 Salt is the name given to the money collected at Montem.
[Illustration: page066]
THE DOUBTFUL POINT.
"Why should I not read it," thought Horatio, hesitating, with the MSS.
of Life in Eton half opened in his hand. A little Chesterfield deity,
called Prudence, whispered--"Caution." "Well, Miss Hypocrisy," quoth
the Student, "what serious offence shall I commit against propriety
or morality by reading a whimsical jeu-d'esprit, penned to explain the
peculiar lingual localisms of Eton, and display her chief characteristic
follies." "It is slang," said Prudence. "Granted," said Horatio: "but he
who undertakes to depict real life must not expect to make a pleasing or
a correct picture, without the due proportions of light and shade. 'Vice
to be hated needs but to be seen.' Playful satire may do more towards
correcting the evil than all the dull lessons of sober-tongued morality
can ever hope to effect." Candour, who just then happened to make a
passing call, was appointed referee; and, without hesitation, agreed
decidedly with Horatio.{1}
1 Life at Eton will not, I hope, be construed into any
intention of the author's to follow in the track of any
previous publication: his object is faithfully to delineate
character, not to encourage vulgar phraseology, or
promulgate immoral sentiment.
~67~~
LIFE IN ETON;
A COLLEGE CHAUNT IN PRAISE OF PRIVATE
TUTORS.{1}
Time hallowed shades, and noble names,
Etonian classic bowers;
Pros,{2} masters, fellows, and good dames,{3}
Where pass'd my school-boy hours;
1 Private tutor, in the Eton school phrase, is another term
for a _Cad_, a fellow who lurks about college, and assists
in all _sprees_ and sports by providing dogs, fishing
tackle, guns, horses, bulls for baiting, a badger, or in
promoting any other interdicted, or un-lawful pastime. A
dozen or more of these well known characters may be seen
loitering in front of the college every morning, making
their arrangement with their pupils, the _Oppidans_, for a
day's sport, to commence the moment school is over. They
formerly used to occupy a seat on the low wall, in front of
the college, but the present headmaster has recently
interfered to expel this assemblage; they still, however,
carry on their destructive intercourse with youth, by
walking about, and watching their opportunity for
communication. The merits of these worthies are here
faithfully related, and will be instantly recognised by any
Etonian of the last thirty years.
2 _PROS_. Eton college is governed by a provost, vice-
provost, six fellows, a steward of the courts, head-master,
and a lower, or second master; to which is added, nine
assistant masters, and five extra ones, appointed to teach
French, writing, drawing, fencing, and dancing. The school
has materially increased in numbers within the last few
years, and now contains nearly five hundred scholars, sons
of noblemen and gentlemen, and may be truly said to be the
chief nursery for the culture of the flower of the British
nation.--See note to page 54.
3 _DAMES_. The appellation given to the females who keep
boarding-houses in Eton. These houses, although out of the
college walls, are subject to the surveillance of the head
master and fellows, to whom all references and complaints
are made.
~69~~
Come list', while I with con,{4} and sock{5}
And chaunt,{6} both ripe and mellow,
Tell how you knowledge stores unlock,
To make a clever fellow.{7}
For Greek and Latin, classic stuff,
Let tug muttons{8}compose it;
Give oppidans{9} but blunt{10 }enough,
What odds to them who knows it.
A dapper dog,{11} a right coolfish,{12}
Who snugly dines on pewter;
Quaffs Bulstrode ale,{13} and takes his dish.
4 CON. A con is a companion, or friend; as, "you are
cons of late."
5 SOCK signifies eating or drinking niceties; as, pastry,
jellies, Bishop, &c.
6 CHAUNT, a good song; to versify.
7 This is not intended as an imputation on the learned
fellows of Eton college, but must be taken in the vulgar
acceptation--you're a clever fellow, &c.
8 TUG MUTTONS, or Tugs, collegers, foundation scholars; an
appellation given to them by the oppidans, in derision of
the custom which has prevailed from the earliest period, and
is still continued, of living entirely on roast mutton; from
January to December no other description of meat is ever
served up at College table in the hall. There are seventy of
these young gentlemen on the foundation who, if they miss
their election when they are nineteen, lose all the benefits
of a fellowship.
9 OPPIDANS, independent scholars not on the foundation.
10 BLUNT, London slang (for money), in use here.
11 A DAPPER DOC, any thing smart, or pleasing, as, "Ay,
that's dapper," or, "you are a dapper dog."
12 A RIGHT COOL FISH, one who is not particular what he says
or does.
13 BULSTRODE ALE, a beverage in great request at the
Christopher. When the effects were sold at Bulstrode,
Garraway purchased a small stock of this famous old ale,
which by some miraculous process he has continued to serve
out in plentiful quantities ever since. The joke has of late
been rather against mine host of the Christopher, who,
however, to do him justice, has an excellent tap, which is
now called the queen's, from some since purchased at
Windsor: this is sold in small quarts, at one shilling per
jug.
~70~~
In private with his tutor.{14}
In lieu of ancient learned lore,
Which might his brain bewilder,
Rum college slang he patters o'er,
With cads{15 }who chouse{16} the guilder.
Who's truly learn'd must read mankind,
Truth's axiom inculcates:
The world's a volume to the mind,
Instructive more than pulpits.{17}
Come fill the bowl with _Bishop_ up,
_Clods,{18} Fags,{19} and Skugs{20} and Muttons{21}_;
When _absence_{22} calls ye into sup,
Drink, drink to me, ye gluttons.
I'll teach ye how to kill dull care,
Improve your box of knowledge,{23}
14 Many of the young noblemen and gentlemen at Eton are
accompanied by private tutors, who live with them to
expedite their studies; they are generally of the College,
and recommended by the head master for their superior
endowments.
15 CAD, a man of all work, for dirty purposes, yclept
private tutor. See note 1, page 68.
16 CHOUSE the GUILDER. Chouse or chousing is generally
applied to any transaction in which they think they may have
been cheated or overcharged.
Guilder is a cant term for gold.
17 Nothing in the slightest degree unorthodox is meant to
be inferred from this reasoning, but simply the sentiment
of this quotation-'The proper study of mankind is man.'
18 CLODS, as, "you clod," a town boy, or any one not an
Etonian, no matter how respectable.
19 FAGS, boys in the lower classes. Every fifth form boy has
his fag.
20 SCUG or SKUG, a lower boy in the school, relating to
sluggish. 21 MUTTONS. See note 8.
22 ABSENCE. At three-quarters past eight in summer, and
earlier in winter, several of the masters proceed to the
different dames' houses, and call absence, when every boy is
compelled to be instantly in quarters for the night, on pain
of the most severe punishment.
23 BOX of KNOWLEDGE, the pericranium.
With all that's witty, choice, and rare,
'Fore all the _Slugs_{24} of college.
Of private tutors, vulgo Cads,
A list I mean to tender;
The qualities of all the lads,
Their prices to a _bender_.{25}
First, Shampo Carter{26} doffs his _tile_,
To dive, to fish, or fire;
There's few can better time beguile,
And none in sporting higher.
24 SLUGS of College, an offensive appellation applied to the
fellows of Eton by the townsmen.
25 BENDER, a sixpence.
26 Note from Bernard Blackmantle, M.A. to Shampo Carter and
Co. P.T.'s:--
MESSIEURS THE CADS OF ETON, In handing down to posterity
your multifarious merits and brilliant qualifications, you
will perceive I have not forgotten the signal services and
delightful gratifications so often afforded me in the days
of my youth. Be assured, most assiduous worthies, that I am
fully sensible of all your merits, and can appreciate justly
your great usefulness to the rising generation. You are the
sappers and miners of knowledge, who attack and destroy the
citadel of sense before it is scarcely defensible. It is no
fault of yours if the stripling of Eton is not, at eighteen,
well initiated into all the mysteries of life, excepting
only the, to him, mysterious volumes of the classics. To do
justice to all was not within the limits of my work; I have
therefore selected from among you the most distinguished
names, and I flatter myself, in so doing, I have omitted
very few of any note; if, however, any efficient member of
your brotherhood should have been unintentionally passed by,
he has only to forward an authenticated copy of his
biography and peculiar merits to the publisher, to meet with
insertion in a second edition.
Bernard Blackmantle.
Bill Carter is, after all, a very useful fellow, if it was
only in teaching the young Etonians to swim, which he does,
by permission of the head master.
Tile, a hat.
~72~~
Joe Cannon, or my lord's a gun,{27}
A regular nine pounder;
To man a boat, stands number one,
And ne'er was known to flounder.
There's Foxey Hall{28} can throw the line
With any Walton angler;
To tell his worth would task the Nine,
Or pose a Cambridge wrangler.
Next, Pickey Powell{29} at a ball
Is master of the wicket;
Can well deliver at a call
A trite essay on cricket.
Jem Flowers {30} baits a badger well,
For a bull _hank, or tyke_, sir;
And as an out and out bred _swell_,{31}
Was never seen his like.
27 A GUN--"He's a great gun," a good fellow, a knowing one.
Joe is a first rate waterman, and by the Etonians styled
"Admiral of the fleet."
28 "Not a better fellow than Jack Hall among the Cads," said
an old Etonian, "or a more expert angler." Barb, Gudgeon,
Dace, and Chub, seem to bite at his bidding; and if they
should be a little shy, why Jack knows how to "go to work
with the net."
29 Who, that has been at Eton, and enjoyed the manly and
invigorating exercise of cricket, has not repeatedly heard
Jem Powell in tones of exultation say, "Only see me '_liver
thin here_ ball, my young master?" And, in good truth, Jem
is right, for very few can excel him in that particular: and
then (when Jem is _Bacchi plenis_,) who can withstand his
_quart of sovereigns_. On such occasions Jem is seen
marching up and down before the door of his house, with a
silver quart tankard filled with gold--the savings of many
years of industry.
30 Jem Flowers is an old soldier; and, in marshalling the
forces for a bull or a badger-bait, displays all the tactics
of an experienced general officer. Caleb Baldwin would no
more bear comparison with Jem than a flea does to an
elephant.
31 When it is remembered how near Eton is to London, and how
frequent the communication, it will appear astonishing, but
highly creditable to the authorities, that so little of the
current slang of the day is to be met with here.
~73~~
There's Jolly Jem,{32} who keeps his punt,
And dogs to raise the siller;
Of _cads_, the captain of the hunt,
A right and tight good miller.
Next Barney Groves,{33} a learned wight,
The impounder of cattle,
Dilates on birth and common right,
And threats _black slugs_ with battle.
Big George {34} can teach the use of fives,
Or pick up a prime terrier;
Or _spar_, or keep the game alive,
With beagle, bull, or harrier.
Savager{35} keeps a decent nag,
32 Jem Miller was originally a tailor; but having dropt a
stitch or two in early life, _listed_ into a sporting
regiment of Cads some years since; and being a better shot
at hares and partridges than he was considered at the _heavy
goose_, has been promoted to the rank of captain of the
private tutors. Jem is a true jolly fellow; his house
exhibits a fine picture of what a sportsman's hall should
be, decorated with all the emblems of fishing, fowling, and
hunting, disposed around in great taste.
33 Barney Groves, the haughward, or impounder of stray
cattle at Eton, is one of the most singular characters I
have ever met with. Among the ignorant Barney is looked up
to as the fountain of local and legal information; and it is
highly ludicrous to hear him expatiate on his favourite
theme of "our birthrights and common rights;" tracing the
first from the creation, and deducing argument in favor of
his opinions on the second from doomsday book, through all
the intricate windings of the modern inclosure acts. Barney
is a great stickler for reform in College, and does not
hesitate to attack the fellows of Eton (whom he denominates
black slugs), on holding pluralities, and keeping the good
things to themselves. As Barney's avocation compels him to
travel wide, he is never interrupted by water; for in summer
or winter he readily wades through the deepest places; he is
consequently a very efficient person in a sporting party.
34 George Williams, a well-known dog fancier, who also
teaches the art and science of pugilism.
35 Savager, a livery-stable keeper, who formerly used to
keep a good tandem or two for hire, but on the interference
of the head master, who interdicted such amusements as
dangerous, they have been put down in Eton.
~74~~
But's very shy of lending,
Since she put down her tandem _drag_,{36}
For fear of Keates offending.
But if you want to splash along
In glory with a _ginger_,{37}
Or in a Stanhope come it strong,
Try Isaac Clegg,{38} of Windsor.
If o'er old father Thames you'd glide,
And cut the silvery stream;
With Hester's{39} eight oars mock the tide,
He well deserves a _theme_.
There's Charley Miller, and George Hall,{40}
Can beasts and birds restore, sir;
And though they cannot bark or squall,
Look livelier than before, sir.
Handy Jack's {41} a general blade,
There's none like Garraway, sir;
Boats, ducks, or dogs, are all his trade,
He'll fit you to a say, sir.
36 DR A G, London slang for tilbury, dennet, Stanhope, &c.
37 A GINGER, a showy, fast horse.
38 Isaac Clegg is in great repute for his excellent turn
outs, and prime nags; and, living in Windsor, he is out of
the jurisdiction of the head master.
39 Hester's boats are always kept in excellent trim. At
Eton exercise on the water is much practised, and many of
the scholars are very expert watermen: they have recently
taken to boats of an amazing length, forty feet and upwards,
which, manned with eight oars, move with great celerity.
Every Saturday evening the scholars are permitted to assume
fancy dresses; but the practice is now principally confined
to the steersman; the rest simply adopting sailors' costume,
except on the fourth of June, or election Saturday, when
there is always a grand gala, a band of music, and
fireworks, on the island in the Thames.
40 Miller and Hall, two famous preservers of birds and
animals; an art in high repute among the Etonians.
41 A famous boatman, duck-hunter, dog-fighter; or,
according to the London phrase--good at everything.
~75~~
Tom New {42} in manly sports is old,
A tailor, and a trump, sir;
And _odd Fish Bill_,{43} at sight of gold,
Will steer clear of the bump,"{44} sir.
A list of _worthies_, learn'd and great
In every art and science,
That noble youths should emulate,
To set laws at defiance:
The church, the senate, and the bar,
By these in ethics grounded,
Must prove a meteoric star,
Of brilliancy compounded.
Ye lights of Eton, rising suns,
Of all that's great and godly;
The nation's hope, and dread of _duns_,
Let all your acts be _motley_.
Learn arts like these, ye oppidan,
If you'd astonish greatly
The senate, or the great divan,
With classics pure, and stately.
Give Greek and Latin to the wind,
Bid pedagogues defiance:
These are the rules to grace the mind
With the true gems of science.
42 Tom New, a great cricketer.
43 Bill Fish, a waterman who attends the youngest boys in
their excursions.
44 The BUMP, to run against each other in the race.
~76~~
APOLLO'S VISIT TO ETON.
~76~~ This whimsical production appeared originally in 1819, in an
Eton miscellany entitled the College Magazine; the poetry of which was
afterwards selected, and only fifty copies struck off: these have been
carefully suppressed, principally we believe on account of this article,
as it contains nothing that we conceive can be deemed offensive, and
has allusions to almost all the distinguished scholars of that period,
besides including the principal contributors to the Etonian, a recent
popular work: we have with some difficulty filled up the blanks with
real names; and, at the suggestion of several old Etonians, incorporated
it with the present work, as a fair criterion of the promising character
of the school at this particular period.
The practice of thus distinguishing the rising talents of Eton is
somewhat ancient. We have before us a copy of verses dated 1620, in
which Waller, the poet, and other celebrated characters of his time, are
particularised. At a still more recent period, during the mastership
of the celebrated Doctor Barnard, the present earl of Carlisle, whose
classical taste is universally admitted, distinguished himself not less
than his compeers, by some very elegant lines: those on the late Right
Hon. C. J. Fox we are induced to extract as a strong proof of the noble
earl's early penetration and foresight.
"How will my Fox, alone, by strength of parts.
Shake the loud senate, animate the hearts
Of fearful statesmen? while around you stand
Both Peers and Commons listening your command.
~77~~
While _Tully's_ sense its weight to you affords,
His nervous sweetness shall adorn your words.
What praise to Pitt,{1} to Townshend, e'er was due,
In future times, my Pox, shall wait on you."
At a subsequent period, the leading characters of the school were
spiritedly drawn in a periodical newspaper, called the World, then
edited by Major Topham, and the Rev. Mr. East, who is still, I believe,
living, and preaches occasionally at Whitehall. From that publication,
now very scarce, I have selected the following as the most amusing, and
relating to distinguished persons.
1 The great Earl of Chatham.
RECOLLECTIONS OF AN OLD ETONIAN.
The Lords Littleton--father and son, formed two opposite characters in
their times. The former had a distinguished turn for pastoral poetry,
and wrote some things at Eton with all the enthusiasm of early years,
and yet with all the judgment of advanced life. The latter showed there,
in some traits of disposition, what was to be expected from him; but he
too loved the Muses, and cultivated them.
He there too displayed the strange contraries of being an ardent admirer
of the virtues of classic times, while he was cheating at chuck and
all-fours; and though he affected every species of irreligion, was, in
fact, afraid of his own shadow.