[For the following _Gulliverian_ sketch we are indebted to a lively
volume of whim, humour, and pleasant sentiment, entitled _Snatches
from Oblivion_: the work likewise contains some springy
versification.--Ed.]
An honourable member of a certain enlightened assembly, who had greatly
distinguished himself by his topographical ingenuity and taste for good
society, had, in the course of some statistical researches, discovered
a part of the globe hitherto unknown, called by the natives Russell
Square, and which was considered would be an important acquisition to
the English dominions. A council of state was called upon this occasion,
who, after six successive meetings, determined upon sending out an
expedition, at the head of which was the original discoverer, to
reconnoitre, and, if eligible, to take possession of the _terra
incognita_ in the name and behalf of the British crown. Unfortunately
I was myself at that time engaged in oddity-hunting in another part of
the world, and was consequently unable to join the adventurous party,
but have learned the whole particulars from the mouth of an intimate
friend, who formed a portion of it, and who obliged me with the tie of a
cravat of one of the extraordinary inhabitants of the soil. His relation
is to the following effect:--
"The conditions of our enterprise having been finally arranged, and
our instructions delivered, sealed by the Lords of the Admiralty, after
a few months' preparation we were enabled to commence our adventurous
career. Prayers having been put up for our safe return, our, wills
having been made, and, in case of our never returning from
"'That undiscovered country (Russell Square),
From whence (it was dreaded) no traveller returns,'
"our property secured, as well as handsome annuities to our wives and
children, we embarked on board the Admiralty yacht from Whitehall
Stairs. Here a scene that would have melted the heart of a stoic took
place. The difficulties and horrors of our campaign, the melancholy
fates of Mungo Park, and Captains Cook and Bowditch, the agonizing
consequences of starvation, cannibalism, and vulgarity, which we were
likely to encounter in these unknown regions, were depicted in their
most vivid and powerful colours. But each of us was a Roman, a Columbus,
prepared to stand or fall in the service of his country.
"The vessel left the shores amidst the tears, groans, and perfumed
handkerchiefs of the surrounding multitude; so heart-rending were
our _adieux_, that three officers of the guards, overcome by the
afflicting crisis, went into strong hysterics, and were obliged to have
their stay-laces cut. Standing on the poop of the vessel with a white
handkerchief in one glove, and a bottle of _Eau de Cologne_ in the
other, we waved farewell to our friends, and, as the last vestige of
their whiskers disappeared from our sight, a sad presentiment filled
our minds that it was for ever. Groups of beings, wearing the form and
countenances of men, though most barbarously disguised, occasionally
passed us in what we supposed to be canoes, saluting us in an unknown
and discordant tone. Our voyage concluded at a point which, we have
since been informed, was discovered by a noble lord in a sailing
expedition, where he was driven by adverse winds and tides, and baptized
by him 'Waterloo Bridge,' after a certain victory supposed to have been
obtained by the ancient Britons some time previous to the flood. Having
landed, we were immediately surrounded by a native tribe of a warlike
and barbarous aspect, being in almost a primitive dress, having only the
lower part of their persons covered. The appearance of their skin was
most remarkable; it was intersected by blue seams, as if nature had
supplied them with a shirt of her own formation--for not the slightest
appearance of muslin or cambric was visible. The name of this horde of
barbarism is, as we were afterwards informed, in their native
_patois_, Scullers, and from the circumstance of their appearing
peculiar to the river and its banks, the Professor of Natural History,
whom we carried with us, after an elaborate investigation, declared them
to be, peculiar to the soil, members of the animal kingdom, of a species
between the alligator and crocodile.
"After reference to our geographical charts, we took our seats in
our stanhopes, being preceded by our travelling chariots, a detachment
of the Lancers, by way of security, two interpreters, a guide, and a
surgeon, in case of casualties. By the instructions of the guide we
steered in a direction N.E.E., and as we proceeded farther into the
country, the barbarity and uncivilization became more apparent. Crossing
a swamp called the _Strand_, we arrived at a native settlement called
Drury Lane, inhabited by a horde infinitely more barbarous and rude than
the tribe by which we were accosted on landing. The _indigites_ of
this soil, in ferocity of appearance, exceeded all our previous idea of
savage life. They are generally _tattooed_, but the crevices in
their skin, instead of variegated colours as the savages of the South
Seas, seemed to be filled up by a composition much resembling dirt. They
had, however, no tomahawks, nor implements of a warlike description, nor
were any of them dressed in skins; although some of them had the hide of
a beast hanging from their waist downwards, which appeared their only
covering, and we understand is called by them--_leathern apron_.
"Passing by a native wigwam, which we found in our maps defined as
_Vinegar Yard_, we were surrounded by a motley and terrific group
of the inhabitants, both male and female. Of their sex we were in great
doubt, especially of those who carried on their heads a kind of wicker
basket, in which were a quantity of fish, of whose _genus_ our
naturalist declared himself perfectly ignorant. As we had often heard of
the simplicity of man when undefiled by a knowledge of the world, of his
hospitality, and his overflowing milk of human kindness, and feeling
besides exhausted from the length and difficulties of our journey, we
determined upon putting these fabled attributes to the proof. Holding
up his stick, as an emblem of peaceable intentions, and backed by the
Lancers, our interpreter advanced, and inquired for the hut of their
chief, and requested, as we were much exhausted, they would oblige us
with a small quantity of their ava, and a few of their native yams. As
they seemed unable to detect his meaning, which we endeavoured to make
more palpable, by all of us at the same time advancing, simultaneously
putting our fingers down our mouths, and rubbing our stomachs, in order
to have our urgent necessities immediately gratified.
"Instead of our wants having been anticipated, as we had naturally
supposed, the whole tribe immediately set up a discordant yell.
Believing that we were still misunderstood, we resolved on asking for
food, and assuring them of our peaceable intentions in all the languages
we were masters of. One of the Lancers who had, during foreign service,
picked up a few expressions of the Cherokee Indians, and also a
knowledge of their habits, proposed addressing them. A consultation
being held, and the result being favourable, he advanced; and, in the
Cherokian language, asked for food, invoked at the same time the great
spirit, which he did by spitting on his hands (an Indian custom), and
holding up his right foot for the purpose of his auditor kissing it, as
a token of conciliation. The person whom he addressed, in an uncouth,
but certainly melodious language, answered in these words:
"'Dom hew-er hies, gie us none o' hew-er-jaw.'
"Another, whom I had willingly entreated in my native tongue for a place
of shelter, answered in the following couplet, which convinced me of the
truth of the supposition of Mr. Thomas Campbell, the intended lecturer
of poetry to the London University, that mankind in an aboriginal state
is essentially poetical, and express their ideas either in rhythmical or
figurative language--
"'Hax hay-bout,
An find it hout.'
"Others shouted with a peculiar strength of lungs, _Bedlam! Bedlam!
ha! ha!_ These words appeared to be instantly caught up by the
surrounding groups, and communicated like wild-fire, amongst the
different tribes, which by this time had increased to an alarming
magnitude. * * *
"Arriving at a settlement, marked out in the maps as Great Russell
Street, the marks of civilization became more apparent, particularly
when we saw a native approaching in shoes, stockings, and a _bona
fide_ pair of breeches; but our surprise was increased on reaching
the place of our destination, 'Russell Square,' to find very few traces
of savage life, and a wigwam of considerable extent erected in close
imitation of our beloved and long-lost homes!
"Having stopped at a house which had the appearance of being inhabited
by a civilized being, our interpreter, in the _patois_ of the country,
requested we might be admitted inside, for tire sole purpose of judging
of the manners and customs of foreign nations. The creature who received
our request was habited much after the same fashion as our footmen,
only the wretch, as if to put his uncivilization beyond a doubt,
actually wore white cotton stockings, and his hair without powder.
Being shown up stairs, we entered a room of considerable dimensions,
and our astonishment may be more easily conceived than expressed, on our
finding, instead of naked beings, squatted cross-legged on mats on the
floor, we found them decently attired, and sitting upright in most
Christian-like and indubitable chairs. The master of the house, a short,
fat, and, for a savage, an apparently inoffensive man, having by no
means a blood-thirsty appearance, made us welcome according to the
fashion of the country, which he did by the following ceremony:--Placing
himself about half a yard before us, with both sets of his toes so
drawn in as to nearly meet, one of his his hands being stuck where his
breeches pocket should be placed, he ducked his head and shoulders (as
if he would make a bow), at the same time drawing one of his feet from
the other, and scraping it on the floor; this accomplished, he resumed
his former position, muttered some unintelligible words, which sounded
like 'perdigiously happy,' tucked up the collar of his shirt (for the
wretch actually wore one), and stalked away.
"It is needless to say that we were regarded with symptoms of infinite
astonishment by the natives, with whom the room was filled, and who
appeared to be mimicking the manners of civilized life, and often
calling out words, which we have since understood to be names of liquids
peculiar to the country, viz--'port,' 'sherry,' and 'lemonade.' Our
curiosity being amply gratified, the short fat native, who had first
addressed us, marched up to me, and to my indescribable alarm offered to
introduce me to his daughter, a young savage of about seventeen, who he
pointed out sitting in a nearly civilized attitude on a legitimate sofa.
Perceiving me shudder at the proposal, for I had heard that the New
Zealanders, and other barbarous tribes, sometimes eat their friends, as
well as their enemies, he inquired of me the cause, and fearful of the
consequence of exciting the anger of these savages while in their power,
I expressed my total willingness to the introduction, and declared that
my only objection was, lest she should scratch; upon his assuring me she
was perfectly tame. I consented to be led (though like a lamb to the
slaughter) to the couch, praying most fervently, though silently, she
would not make a meal of me. What was my horror when the short fat
gentleman addressed her with a horrid wink of the eye--'Poppett, as
I know you to be partial to these smart young fellows (Heavens! she was
then addicted to cannibalism), I have brought you one.' I heard no more,
but making up my mind I was to be served up for supper, flew with the
utmost' rapidity my stays would permit me, when my ears were electrified
at the sounds of Stultz and Nugee. I knew not how it was, but the hearing
of these words, surrounded as I was by doubt and danger, calmed at once
my agitated spirits, like some well-remembered air which we have heard
in our infancy, stealing over the waste of years and distance, I felt
completely overcome by my feelings. Home, and my native land, with a
thousand sweet associations of relatives, and all the charms of
friendship and love, seemed to accompany the sounds, and I gazed with
unqualified mildness on the innocent source of my happiness, who stood
gazing in simple wonder at my ill-suppressed surprise. I was nearly
fainting, and should have fallen, had it not been for a kind-hearted
squaw in a satin slip, and blond trimmings, bathing my temples with
a grateful distillation of otto of roses. The natural reserve of my
disposition having been overcome by the force of nature, I proposed to
our entertainer, if he would part with his daughter to take her back
with us, and make her a member of the civilized world. He shook his
head, and declared his inability to relinquish her; so great do we
find the force of parental affection even in savage life; but upon the
approach of his son, an eligible and ductile youth, with a promising
pair of whiskers, and irreproachable pantaloons, he consented to part
with him, declaring that next to his daughter he was the only solace of
his life. As the youth bore the name of his tribe, the semi-barbarous
cognomen of Simpson, he agreed to accept that of _Lee boo_, not
only as being more civilized, but expressive of his situation. As he
was of an ambitious nature, he had made, unknown to his parent, many
excursions towards the west; we therefore agreed to accept of him as our
guide; and we left our simple and promising friends with the assurance
of a speedy return: as a pledge, we exchanged one of our cravats, well
stiffened, and with the Petersham tie, for one of the collars worn by
the male, and a flounce of the she-savage's petticoats; promising also
to send them, on our arrival, a pattern of Lord H------h's beard, which
approached nearer to savage life than any other object we could think
of in the civilized world.
"We reached Connaught Place without any accident, with the young
savage as a trophy, and received the most affectionate welcome on our
unexpected and safe return. Prayers were put up the following day at
most of the fashionable churches, and a solemn _te deum_ was
composed expressly for the occasion. The young savage has already
realized the expectation we formed of his docility and capacity;
already he speaks our language equal to a native--has run through the
whole of his property--keeps race-horses--and has an opera singer under
his protection--never pays a bill, and is admitted without a voucher
at every hell in the metropolis; has forgot his father's name, and
never hears the unknown region of 'Russell Square' mentioned, but he
in-quires--'if that is not the place where the people drink porter,
and don't wear shoes and stockings?'"
* * * * *