"I suppose so."
_xii_
She knew him very little then, and now, though they had been married for
nearly two years, she knew him but little more. At first she had been
touched by his kindness and flattered, though surprised, by his passion.
He was extremely considerate; he was very attentive to her comfort; she
never expressed the slightest wish without his hastening to gratify it.
He was constantly giving her little presents. When she happened to feel
ill no one could have been kinder or more thoughtful. She seemed to do
him a favour when she gave him the opportunity of doing something
tiresome for her. And he was always exceedingly polite. He rose to his
feet when she entered a room, he gave her his hand to help her out of a
car, if he chanced to meet her in the street he took off his hat, he was
solicitous to open the door for her when she left a room, he never came
into her bedroom or her boudoir without a knock. He treated her not as
Kitty had seen most men treat their wives, but as though she were a
fellow-guest in a country house. It was pleasing and yet a trifle comic.
She would have felt more at home with him if he had been more casual.
Nor did their conjugal relations draw her closer to him. He was
passionate then, fierce, oddly hysterical too, and sentimental.
It disconcerted her to realise how emotional he really was. His
self-control was due to shyness or to long training, she did not know
which; it seemed to her faintly contemptible that when she lay in his
arms, his desire appeased, he who was so timid of saying absurd things,
who so feared to be ridiculous, should use baby talk. She had offended
him bitterly once by laughing and telling him that he was talking the
most fearful slush. She had felt his arms grow limp about her, he
remained quite silent for a little while, and then without a word
released her and went into his own room. She didn't want to hurt his
feelings and a day or two later she said to him:
"You silly old thing, I don't mind what nonsense you talk to me."
He had laughed in a shamefaced way. She had discovered very soon that he
had an unhappy disability to lose himself. He was self-conscious. When
there was a party and every one started singing Walter could never bring
himself to join in. He sat there smiling to show that he was pleased and
amused, but his smile was forced; it was more like a sarcastic smirk,
and you could not help feeling that he thought all those people enjoying
themselves a pack of fools. He could not bring himself to play the round
games which Kitty with her high spirits found such a lark. On their
journey out to China he had absolutely refused to put on fancy dress
when every one else was wearing it. It disturbed her pleasure that he
should so obviously think the whole thing a bore.
Kitty was lively; she was willing to chatter all day long and she
laughed easily. His silence disconcerted her. He had a way which
exasperated her of returning no answer to some casual remark of hers. It
was true that it needed no answer, but an answer all the same would have
been pleasant. If it was raining and she said: "It's raining cats and
dogs," she would have liked him to say: "Yes, isn't it?" He remained
silent. Sometimes she would have liked to shake him.
"I said it was raining cats and dogs," she repeated.
"I heard you," he answered, with his affectionate smile.
It showed that he had not meant to be offensive. He did not speak
because he had nothing to say. But if nobody spoke unless he had
something to say, Kitty reflected, with a smile, the human race would
very soon lose the use of speech.
_xiii_
The fact was, of course, that he had no charm. That was why he was not
popular, and she had not been long in Tching-Yen before she discovered
that he was not. She remained very vague about his work. It was enough
for her to realise, and she did this quite distinctly, that to be the
government bacteriologist was no great fry. He seemed to have no desire
to discuss that part of his life with her. Because she was willing to be
interested in anything at first she had asked him about it. He put her
off with a jest.
"It's very dull and technical," he said on another occasion. "And it's
grossly underpaid."
He was very reserved. All she knew about his antecedents, his birth, his
education, and his life before he met her, she had elicited by direct
questioning. It was odd, the only thing that seemed to annoy him was a
question; and when, in her natural curiosity, she fired a string of them
at him, his answers became at every one more abrupt. She had the wit to
see that he did not care to reply because he had anything to hide from
her, but merely from a natural secretiveness. It bored him to talk about
himself. It made him shy and uncomfortable. He did not know how to be
open. He was fond of reading, but he read books which seemed to Kitty
very dull. If he was not busy with some scientific treatise he would
read books about China or historical works. He never relaxed. She did
not think he could. He was fond of games: he played tennis and bridge.
She wondered why he had ever fallen in love with her. She could not
imagine any one less suited than herself to this restrained, cold and
self-possessed man. And yet it was quite certain that he loved her
madly. He would do anything in the world to please her. He was like wax
in her hands. When she thought of one side he showed her, a side which
only she had seen, she a little despised him. She wondered whether his
sarcastic manner, with its contemptuous tolerance for so many persons
and things she admired, was merely a façade to conceal a profound
weakness. She supposed he was clever, every one seemed to think he was,
but except very occasionally when he was with two or three people he
liked and was in the mood, she had never found him entertaining. He did
not precisely bore her, he left her indifferent.
_xiv_
Though Kitty had met his wife at various tea-parties she had been some
weeks in Tching-Yen before she saw Charles Townsend. She was introduced
to him only when with her husband she went to dine at his house. Kitty
was on the defensive. Charles Townsend was Assistant Colonial Secretary
and she had no mind to allow him to use her with the condescension
which, notwithstanding her good manners, she discerned in Mrs. Townsend.
The room in which they were received was spacious. It was furnished as
was every other drawing-room she had been in at Tching-Yen in a
comfortable and homely style. It was a large party. They were the last
to come and as they entered Chinese servants in uniform were handing
round cocktails and olives. Mrs. Townsend greeted them in her casual
fashion and looking at a list told Walter whom he was to take in to
dinner.
Kitty saw a tall and very handsome man bear down on them.
"This is my husband."
"I am to have the privilege of sitting next to you," he said.
She immediately felt at ease and the sense of hostility vanished from
her bosom. Though his eyes were smiling she had seen in them a quick
look of surprise. She understood it perfectly and it made her inclined
to laugh.
"I shan't be able to eat any dinner," he said, "and if I know Dorothy
the dinner's damned good."
"Why not?"
"I ought to have been told. Some one really ought to have warned me."
"What about?"
"No one said a word. How was I to know that I was going to meet a raging
beauty?"
"Now what am I to say to that?"
"Nothing. Leave me to do the talking. And I'll say it over and over
again."
Kitty, unmoved, wondered what exactly his wife had told him about her.
He must have asked. And Townsend, looking down on her with his laughing
eyes, suddenly remembered.
"What is she like?" he had enquired when his wife told him she had met
Dr. Fane's bride.
"Oh, quite a nice little thing. Actressy."
"Was she on the stage?"
"Oh, no, I don't think so. Her father's a doctor or a lawyer or
something. I suppose we shall have to ask them to dinner."
"There's no hurry, is there?"
When they were sitting side by side at table he told her that he had
known Walter Fane ever since he came to the Colony.
"We play bridge together. He's far and away the best bridge player at
the Club."
She told Walter on the way home.
"That's not saying very much, you know."
"How does he play?"
"Not badly. He plays a winning hand very well, but when he has bad cards
he goes all to pieces."
"Does he play as well as you?"
"I have no illusions about my play. I should describe myself as a very
good player in the second class. Townsend thinks he's in the first. He
isn't."
"Don't you like him?"
"I neither like him nor dislike him. I believe he's not bad at his job
and every one says he's a good sportsman. He doesn't very much interest
me."
It was not the first time that Walter's moderation had exasperated her.
She asked herself why it was necessary to be so prudent: you either
liked people or you didn't. She had liked Charles Townsend very much.
And she had not expected to. He was probably the most popular man in the
Colony. It was supposed that the Colonial Secretary would retire soon
and every one hoped that Townsend would succeed him. He played tennis
and polo and golf. He kept racing ponies. He was always ready to do any
one a good turn. He never let red tape interfere with him. He put on no
airs. Kitty did not know why she had resented hearing him so well spoken
of, she could not help thinking he must be very conceited: she had been
extremely silly; that was the last thing you could accuse him of.
She had enjoyed her evening. They had talked of the theatres in London,
and of Ascot and Cowes, all the things she knew about, so that really
she might have met him at some nice house in Lennox Gardens; and later,
when the men came into the drawing-room after dinner, he had strolled
over and sat beside her again. Though he had not said anything very
amusing, he had made her laugh; it must have been the way he said it:
there was a caressing sound in his deep, rich voice, a delightful
expression in his kind, shining blue eyes, which made you feel very much
at home with him. Of course he had charm. That was what made him so
pleasant.
He was tall, six foot two at least, she thought, and he had a beautiful
figure; he was evidently in very good condition and he had not a spare
ounce of fat on him. He was well-dressed, the best-dressed man in the
room, and he wore his clothes well. She liked a man to be smart. Her
eyes wandered to Walter: he really should try to be a little better
turned out. She noticed Townsend's cuff-links and waistcoat buttons; she
had seen similar ones at Cartier's. Of course the Townsends had private
means. His face was deeply sunburned, but the sun had not taken the
healthy colour from his cheeks. She liked the little trim curly
moustache which did not conceal his full red lips. He had black hair,
short and brushed very sleek. But of course his eyes, under thick, bushy
eyebrows, were his best feature: they were so very blue, and they had a
laughing tenderness which persuaded you of the sweetness of his
disposition. No man who had those blue eyes could bear to hurt any one.
She could not but know that she had made an impression on him. If he had
not said charming things to her his eyes, warm with admiration,
would have betrayed him. His ease was delightful. He had no
self-consciousness. Kitty was at home in these circumstances and she
admired the way in which amid the banter which was the staple of their
conversation he insinuated every now and then a pretty, flattering speech.
When she shook hands with him on leaving he gave her hand a pressure
that she could not mistake.
"I hope we shall see you again soon," he said casually but his eyes gave
his words a meaning which she could not fail to see.
"Tching-Yen is very small, isn't it?" she said.
_xv_
Who would have thought then that within three months they would be on
such terms? He had told her since that he was crazy about her on that
first evening. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He
remembered the dress she wore; it was her wedding dress, and he said she
looked like a lily of the valley. She knew that he was in love with her
before he told her, and a little frightened she kept him at a distance.
He was impetuous and it was difficult. She was afraid to let him kiss
her, for the thought of his arms about her made her heart beat so fast.
She had never been in love before. It was wonderful. And now that she
knew what love was she felt a sudden sympathy for the love that Walter
bore her. She teased him, playfully, and saw that he enjoyed it. She had
been perhaps a little afraid of him, but now she had more confidence.
She chaffed him and it amused her to see the slow smile with which at
first he received her banter. He was surprised and pleased. One of these
days, she thought, he would become quite human. Now that she had learnt
something of passion it diverted her to play lightly, like a harpist
running his fingers across the strings of his harp, on his affections.
She laughed when she saw how she bewildered and confused him.
And when Charlie became her lover the situation between herself and
Walter seemed exquisitely absurd. She could hardly look at him, so grave
and self-controlled, without laughing. She was too happy to feel
unkindly towards him. Except for him, after all, she would never have
known Charlie. She had hesitated some time before the final step, not
because she did not want to yield to Charlie's passion, her own was
equal to his, but because her upbringing and all the conventions of her
life intimidated her. She was amazed afterwards (and the final act was
due to accident; neither of them had seen the opportunity till it was
face to face with them) to discover that she felt in no way different
from what she had before. She had expected that it would cause some, she
hardly knew what, fantastic change in her so that she would feel like
somebody else; and when she had a chance to look at herself in the glass
she was bewildered to see the same woman she had seen the day before.
"Are you angry with me?" he asked her.
"I adore you," she whispered.
"Don't you think you were very silly to waste so much time?"
"A perfect fool."
_xvi_
Her happiness, sometimes almost more than she could bear, renewed her
beauty. Just before she married, beginning to lose her first freshness,
she had looked tired and drawn. The uncharitable said that she was going
off. But there is all the difference between a girl of twenty-five and a
married woman of that age. She was like a rosebud that is beginning to
turn yellow at the edges of the petals, and then suddenly she was a rose
in full bloom. Her starry eyes gained a more significant expression; her
skin (that feature which had always been her greatest pride and most
anxious care) was dazzling: it could not be compared to the peach or to
the flower; it was they that demanded comparison with it. She looked
eighteen once more. She was at the height of her glowing loveliness. It
was impossible not to remark it and her women friends asked her in
little friendly asides if she was going to have a baby. The indifferent
who had said she was just a very pretty woman with a long nose admitted
that they had misjudged her. She was what Charlie had called her the
first time he saw her, a raging beauty.
They managed their intrigue with skill. He had a broad back, he told her
("I will not have you swank about your figure," she interrupted
lightly), and it did not matter about him; but for her sake they mustn't
take the smallest risk. They could not meet often alone, not half often
enough for him, but he had to think of her first, sometimes in the curio
shop, now and then after luncheon in her house when no one was about;
but she saw him a good deal here and there. It amused her then to see
the formal way he spoke to her, jovial, for he was always that, with the
same manner he used with every one. Who could imagine when they heard
him chaff her with that charming humour of his that so lately he had
held her in his passionate arms?
She worshipped him. He was splendid, in his smart top boots and his
white breeches, when he played polo. In tennis clothes he looked a mere
boy. Of course he was proud of his figure: it was the best figure she
had ever seen. He took pains to keep it. He never ate bread or potatoes
or butter. And he took a great deal of exercise. She liked the care he
took of his hands; he was manicured once a week. He was a wonderful
athlete and the year before he had won the local tennis championship.
Certainly he was the best dancer she had ever danced with; it was a
dream to dance with him. No one would think he was forty. She told him
she did not believe it.
"I believe it's all bluff and you're really twenty-five."
He laughed. He was well pleased.
"Oh, my dear, I have a boy of fifteen. I'm a middle-aged gent. In
another two or three years I shall just be a fat old party."
"You'll be adorable when you're a hundred."
She liked his black, bushy eyebrows. She wondered whether it was they
that gave his blue eyes their disturbing expression.
He was full of accomplishments. He could play the piano quite well,
rag-time, of course, and he could sing a comic song with a rich voice
and good humour. She did not believe there was anything he could not do.
He was very clever at his work too and she shared his pleasure when he
told her that the Governor had particularly congratulated him on the way
he had done some difficult job.
"Although it's I as says it," he laughed, his eyes charming with the
love he bore her, "there's not a fellow in the Service who could have
done it better."
Oh, how she wished that she were his wife rather than Walter's!
_xvii_
Of course it was not certain yet that Walter knew the truth, and if he
didn't it was better perhaps to leave well alone; but if he did, well,
in the end it would be the best thing for all of them. At first she had
been, if not satisfied, at least resigned to seeing Charlie only by
stealth; but time had increased her passion and for some while now she
had been increasingly impatient of the obstacles which prevented them
from being always together. He had told her so often that he cursed his
position which forced him to be so discreet, the ties which bound him,
and the ties which bound her: how marvellous it would have been, he
said, if they were both free! She saw his point of view; no one wanted a
scandal, and of course it required a good deal of thinking over before
you changed the course of your life; but if freedom were thrust upon
them, ah, then, how simple everything would be!
It was not as though any one would suffer very much. She knew exactly
what his relations were with his wife. She was a cold woman and there
had been no love between them for years. It was habit that held them
together, convenience, and of course the children. It was easier for
Charlie than for her: Walter loved her; but after all, he was absorbed
in his work; and a man always had his club, he might be upset at first,
but he would get over it; there was no reason why he should not marry
somebody else. Charlie had told her that he could not make out how she
came to throw herself away on Walter Fane.
She wondered, half smiling, why a little while before she had been
terrified at the thought that Walter had caught them. Of course it was
startling to see the handle of the door slowly turn. But after all they
knew the worst that Walter could do, and they were ready for it. Charlie
would feel as great a relief as she that what they both desired more
than anything in the world should be thus forced upon them.
Walter was a gentleman, she would do him the justice to acknowledge
that, and he loved her; he would do the right thing and allow her to
divorce him. They had made a mistake and the lucky thing was that they
had found it out before it was too late. She made up her mind exactly
what she was going to say to him and how she would treat him. She would
be kind, smiling, and firm. There was no need for them to quarrel. Later
on she would always be glad to see him. She hoped honestly that the two
years they had spent together would remain with him as a priceless
memory.
"I don't suppose Dorothy Townsend will mind divorcing Charlie a bit,"
she thought. "Now the youngest boy is going back to England it will be
much nicer for her to be in England too. There's absolutely nothing for
her to do in Tching-Yen. She'll be able to spend all the holidays with
her boys. And then she's got her father and mother in England."
It was all very simple and everything could be managed without scandal
or ill-feeling. And then she and Charlie could marry. Kitty drew a long
sigh. They would be very happy. It was worth going through a certain
amount of bother to achieve that. Confusedly, one picture jostling
another, she thought of the life they would lead together, of the fun
they would have and the little journeys they would take together, the
house they would live in, the positions he would rise to and the help
she would be to him. He would be very proud of her and she, she adored
him.
But through all these day-dreams ran a current of apprehension. It was
funny: it was as though the wood and the strings of an orchestra played
Arcadian melodies and in the bass the drums, softly but with foreboding,
beat a grim tattoo. Sooner or later Walter must come home and her heart
beat fast at the thought of meeting him. It was strange that he had gone
away that afternoon without saying a word to her. Of course she was not
frightened of him; after all what could he do, she repeated to herself;
but she could not quite allay her uneasiness. Once more she repeated
what she would say to him. What was the good of making a scene? She was
very sorry, Heaven knew she didn't want to cause him pain, but she
couldn't help it if she didn't love him. It was no good pretending and
it was always better to tell the truth. She hoped he wouldn't be
unhappy, but they had made a mistake and the only sensible thing was to
acknowledge it. She would always think kindly of him.
But even as she said this to herself a sudden gust of fear made the
sweat start out in the palms of her hands. And because she was
frightened she grew angry with him. If he wanted to make a scene, that
was his lookout; he must not be surprised if he got more than he
bargained for. She would tell him that she had never cared two pins for
him and that not a day had passed since their marriage without her
regretting it. He was dull. Oh, how he'd bored her, bored her, bored
her! He thought himself so much better than anyone else, it was
laughable; he had no sense of humour; she hated his supercilious air,
his coldness, and his self-control. It was easy to be self-controlled
when you were interested in nothing and nobody but yourself. He was
repulsive to her. She hated to let him kiss her. What had he to be so
conceited about? He danced rottenly, he was a wet blanket at a party, he
couldn't play or sing, he couldn't play polo and his tennis was no
better than anybody else's. Bridge? Who cared about bridge?
Kitty worked herself up into a towering passion. Let him dare to
reproach her. All that had happened was his own fault. She was thankful
that he knew the truth at last. She hated him and wished never to see
him again. Yes, she was thankful that it was all over. Why couldn't he
leave her alone? He had pestered her into marrying him and now she was
fed up.
"Fed up," she repeated aloud, trembling with anger. "Fed up! Fed up!"
She heard the car draw up to the gate of their garden. He was coming up
the stairs.
_xviii_
He came into the room. Her heart was beating wildly and her hands were
shaking; it was lucky that she lay on the sofa. She was holding an open
book as though she had been reading. He stood for an instant on the
threshold and their eyes met. Her heart sank; she felt on a sudden a
cold chill pass through her limbs and she shivered. She had that feeling
which you describe by saying that someone was walking over your grave.
His face was deathly pale; she had seen it like that once before, when
they sat together in the Park and he asked her to marry him. His dark
eyes, immobile and inscrutable, seemed preternaturally large. He knew
everything.
"You're back early," she remarked.
Her lips trembled so that she could hardly frame the words. She was
terrified. She was afraid she would faint.
"I think it's about the usual time."