From _Saturday, Feb. 18_, to _Tuesday, Feb. 21, 1709-10_.
Deprendi miserum est; Fabio vel judice vincam.
HOR., 1 Sat. ii. 134.
* * * * *
_White's Chocolate-house, February 18._
_The History of Tom Varnish._
Because I have a professed aversion to long beginnings of stories, I
will go into this at once, by telling you, that there dwells near the
Royal Exchange as happy a couple as ever entered into wedlock. These
live in that mutual confidence of each other, which renders the
satisfactions of marriage even greater than those of friendship, and
makes wife and husband the dearest appellations of human life. Mr.
Ballance is a merchant of good consideration, and understands the world
not from speculation, but practice. His wife is the daughter of an
honest house, ever bred in a family-way; and has, from a natural good
understanding, and great innocence, a freedom which men of sense know to
be the certain sign of virtue, and fools take to be an encouragement to
vice.
Tom Varnish, a young gentleman of the Middle Temple, by the bounty of a
good father who was so obliging as to die, and leave him in his
twenty-fourth year, besides a good estate, a large sum, which lay in the
hands of Mr. Ballance, had by this means an intimacy at his house; and
being one of those hard students who read plays for improvement in the
law, took his rules of life from thence. Upon mature deliberation, he
conceived it very proper, that he, as a man of wit and pleasure of the
town, should have an intrigue with his merchant's wife. He no sooner
thought of this adventure, but he began it by an amorous epistle to the
lady, and a faithful promise to wait upon her, at a certain hour the
next evening, when he knew her husband was to be absent.
The letter was no sooner received, but it was communicated to the
husband, and produced no other effect in him, than that he joined with
his wife to raise all the mirth they could out of this fantastical piece
of gallantry. They were so little concerned at this dangerous man of
mode, that they plotted ways to perplex him without hurting him. Varnish
comes exactly at his hour; and the lady's well-acted confusion at his
entrance, gave him opportunity to repeat some couplets very fit for the
occasion with very much grace and spirit. His theatrical manner of
making love was interrupted by an alarm of the husband's coming; and the
wife, in a personated terror, beseeched him, if he had any value for the
honour of a woman that loved him, he would jump out of the window. He
did so, and fell upon feather-beds placed on purpose to receive him.
It is not to be conceived how great the joy of an amorous man is when he
has suffered for his mistress, and is never the worse for it. Varnish
the next day writ a most elegant billet, wherein he said all that
imagination could form upon the occasion. He violently protested, going
out of the window was no way terrible, but as it was going from her;
with several other kind expressions, which procured him a second
assignation. Upon his second visit, he was conveyed by a faithful maid
into her bedchamber, and left there to expect the arrival of her
mistress. But the wench, according to her instructions, ran in again to
him, and locked the door after her to keep out her master. She had just
time enough to convey the lover into a chest before she admitted the
husband and his wife into the room.
You may be sure that trunk was absolutely necessary to be opened; but
upon her husband's ordering it, she assured him, she had taken all the
care imaginable in packing up the things with her own hand, and he might
send the trunk aboard as soon as he thought fit. The easy husband
believed his wife, and the good couple went to bed; Varnish having the
happiness to pass the night in his mistress's bedchamber without
molestation. The morning arose, but our lover was not well situated to
observe her blushes; so that all we know of his sentiments on this
occasion, is, that he heard Ballance ask for the key, and say, he would
himself go with this chest, and have it opened before the captain of the
ship, for the greater safety of so valuable a lading.
The goods were hoisted away, and Mr. Ballance marching by his chest with
great care and diligence, omitted nothing that might give his passenger
perplexity. But to consummate all, he delivered the chest, with strict
charge, in case they were in danger of being taken, to throw it
overboard, for there were letters in it, the matter of which might be of
great service to the enemy.
N.B. It is not thought advisable to proceed further in this account, Mr.
Varnish being just returned from his travels, and willing to conceal the
occasion of his first applying himself to the languages.
_St. James's Coffee-house, February 20._
This day came in a mail from Holland, with a confirmation of our late
advices, that a treaty of peace would very suddenly be set on foot, and
that yachts were appointed by the States to convey the Ministers of
France from Moerdyk to Gertruydenburg, which is appointed for the place
wherein this important negotiation is to be transacted. It is said, this
affair has been in agitation ever since the close of the last campaign;
Monsieur Petticum having been appointed to receive from time to time the
overtures of the enemy. During the whole winter, the Ministers of France
have used their utmost skill in forming such answers as might amuse the
Allies, in hopes of a favourable event; either in the north, or some
other part of Europe, which might affect some part of the alliance too
nearly to leave it in a capacity of adhering firmly to the interest of
the whole. In all this transaction, the French king's own name has been
as little made use of as possible: but the season of the year advancing
too fast to admit of much longer delays in the present condition of
France, Monsieur Torcy, in the name of the king, sent a letter to
Monsieur Petticum, wherein he says, that "the king is willing all the
preliminary articles shall rest as they are during the treaty for the
37th."
Upon the receipt of this advice, passports were sent to the French
Court, and their Ministers are expected at Moerdyk on the 5th of the
next month.
_Sheer Lane, February 20._
I have been earnestly solicited for a further term, for wearing the
farthingale by several of the fair sex, but more especially by the
following petitioners:
"The humble petition of Deborah Hark, Sarah Threadpaper and Rachael
Thimble, spinsters, and single women, commonly called
Waiting-maids, in behalf of themselves and their sisterhood;
"SHEWETH,
"That your Worship hath been pleased to order and command, that no
person or persons shall presume to wear quilted petticoats, on
forfeiture of the said petticoats, or penalty of wearing ruffs,
after the 17th instant now expired.
"That your petitioners have time out of mind been entitled to wear
their ladies' clothes, or to sell the same.
"That the sale of the said clothes is spoiled by your Worship's
said prohibition.
"Your petitioners therefore most humbly pray, that your Worship
would please to allow, that all gentlewomen's gentlewomen may be
allowed to wear the said dress, or to repair the loss of such a
perquisite in such manner as your Worship shall think fit.
"And your petitioners," &c.
I do allow the allegations of this petition to be just, and forbid all
persons but the petitioners, or those who shall purchase from them, to
wear the said garment after the date hereof.
[Footnote 107: Nichols suggests that this paper may be by Addison, and
it is certainly not unlikely that he was the author of the "History of
Tom Varnish."]
No. 137. [STEELE.
From _Tuesday, Feb. 21_, to _Thursday, Feb. 23, 1709-10_.
Ter centum tonat ore deos, Erebumque, Chaosque,
Tergeminamque Hecaten.--VIRG., AEn. iv. 510.
* * * * *
_Sheer Lane, February 22._
Dick Reptile and I sat this evening later than the rest of the club; and
as some men are better company when only with one friend, others when
there is a large number, I found Dick to be of the former kind. He was
bewailing to me in very just terms, the offences which he frequently met
with in the abuse of speech: some use ten times more words than they
need, some put in words quite foreign to their purpose, and others adorn
their discourses with oaths and blasphemies by way of tropes and
figures. What my good friend started, dwelt upon me after I came home
this evening, and led me into an inquiry with myself, whence should
arise such strange excrescences in discourse? Whereas it must be obvious
to all reasonable beings, that the sooner a man speaks his mind, the
more complaisant he is to the man with whom he talks: but upon mature
deliberation, I am come to this resolution, that for one man who speaks
to be understood, there are ten who talk only to be admired.
The ancient Greeks had little independent syllables called "expletives,"
which they brought into their discourses both in verse and prose, for no
other purpose but for the better grace and sound of their sentences and
periods. I know no example but this which can authorise the use of more
words than are necessary. But whether it be from this freedom taken by
that wise nation, or however it arises, Dick Reptile hit upon a very
just and common cause of offence in the generality of the people of all
orders. We have one here in our lane who speaks nothing without quoting
an authority; for it is always with him, so and so, "as the man said."
He asked me this morning, how I did, "as the man said"; and hoped I
would come now and then to see him, "as the man said." I am acquainted
with another, who never delivers himself upon any subject, but he cries,
he only speaks his "poor judgment"; this is his humble opinion; or as
for his part, if he might presume to offer anything on that subject. But
of all the persons who add elegances and superfluities to their
discourses, those who deserve the foremost rank, are the swearers; and
the lump of these may, I think, be very aptly divided into the common
distinction of high and low. Dulness and barrenness of thought is the
original of it in both these sects, and they differ only in
constitution: the low is generally a phlegmatic, and the high a choleric
coxcomb. The man of phlegm is sensible of the emptiness of his
discourse, and will tell you, that "I'fackins," such a thing is true: or
if you warm him a little, he may run into passion, and cry,
"Odsbodikins," you do not say right. But the high affects a sublimity in
dulness, and invokes hell and damnation at the breaking of a glass, or
the slowness of a drawer.
I was the other day trudging along Fleet Street on foot, and an old army
friend came up with me. We were both going towards Westminster, and
finding the streets were so crowded that we could not keep together, we
resolved to club for a coach. This gentleman I knew to be the first of
the order of the choleric. I must confess (were there no crime in it),
nothing could be more diverting than the impertinence of the high juror:
for whether there is remedy or not against what offends him, still he
is to show he is offended; and he must sure not omit to be
magnificently passionate, by falling on all things in his way. We were
stopped by a train of coaches at Temple Bar. "What the devil!" says my
companion, "cannot you drive on, coachman? D----n you all, for a set of
sons of whores, you will stop here to be paid by the hour! There is not
such a set of confounded dogs as the coachmen unhanged! But these
rascally Cits---- 'Ounds, why should not there be a tax to make these
dogs widen their gates? Oh! but the hell-hounds move at last." "Ay,"
said I, "I knew you would make them whip on if once they heard you."
"No," says he; "but would it not fret a man to the devil, to pay for
being carried slower than he can walk? Lookee, there is for ever a stop
at this hole by St. Clement's Church. Blood, you dog!--Harkee,
sirrah,--why, and be d----d to you, do not you drive over that fellow?
Thunder, furies, and damnation! I'll cut your ears off, you fellow
before there. Come hither, you dog you, and let me wring your neck round
your shoulders." We had a repetition of the same eloquence at the
Cockpit,[108] and the turning into Palace Yard.
This gave me a perfect image of the insignificancy of the creatures who
practise this enormity; and made me conclude, that it is ever want of
sense makes a man guilty in this kind. It was excellently well said,
that this folly had no temptation to excuse it, no man being born of a
swearing constitution. In a word, a few rumbling words and consonants
clapped together, without any sense, will make an accomplished swearer:
and it is needless to dwell long upon this blustering impertinence,
which is already banished out of the society of well-bred men, and can
be useful only to bullies and ill tragic writers, who would have sound
and noise pass for courage and sense.
_St. James's Coffee-house, February 22._
There arrived a messenger last night from Harwich, who left that place
just as the Duke of Marlborough was going on board. The character of
this important general going out by the command of his Queen, and at the
request of his country, puts me in mind of that noble figure which
Shakespeare gives Harry the Fifth upon his expedition against France.
The poet wishes for abilities to represent so great a hero:
"_Oh for a muse of fire!" says he,
"Then should the warlike Harry, like himself,
Assume the port of Mars; and at his heels,
Leashed in, like hounds, should Famine, Sword and Fire
Crouch for employment._"[109]
A conqueror drawn like the god of battle, with such a dreadful leash of
hell-hounds at his command, makes a picture of as much majesty and
terror as is to be met with in any poet.
Shakespeare understood the force of this particular allegory so well,
that he had it in his thoughts in another passage, which is altogether
as daring and sublime as the former. What I mean, is in the tragedy of
"Julius Caesar," where Antony, after having foretold the bloodshed and
destruction that should be brought upon the earth by the death of that
great man; to fill up the horror of his description, adds the following
verses:
"_And Caesar's spirit ranging for revenge,
With Ate by his side, come hot from Hell,
Shall in these confines, with a monarch's voice,
Cry 'Havoc'; and let slip the dogs of war._"[110]
I do not question but these quotations will call to mind in my readers
of learning and taste, that imaginary person described by Virgil with
the same spirit. He mentions it upon the occasion of a peace which was
restored to the Roman Empire, and which we may now hope for from the
departure of that great man who has given occasion to these reflections.
"The Temple of Janus," says he, "shall be shut, and in the midst of it
Military Fury shall sit upon a pile of broken arms, loaded with a
hundred chains, bellowing with madness, and grinding his teeth in blood.
"_Claudentur belli portae; Furor impius intus,
Saeva sedens super arma, et centum vinctus ahenis
Post tergum nodis, fremit horridus ore cruento._"[111]
"_Janus himself before his fane shall wait,
And keep the dreadful issues of his gate,
With bolts and iron bars. Within remains
Imprisoned Fury bound in brazen chains;
High on a trophy raised of useless arms,
He sits, and threats the world with vain alarms._"
DRYDEN.