|MY NAME is Veritas. I write for the papers. I am quite an old man and
have written my kindly words of advice to the press for many years. I am
the friend of the public and the guiding star of the American newspaper.
I point out the proper course for a newly-elected member of Congress
and show the thoughtless editor the wants of the people. I write on the
subject of political economy; also on both sides of the paper. Sometimes
I write on both sides of the question. When I do so I write over the
name of Tax-Payer, but my real name is Veritas.
I am the man who first suggested the culvert at the Jim street crossing,
so that the water would run off toward the pound after a rain. With my
ready pen--ready, and trenchant also, as I may say--I have, in my poor,
weak way, suggested a great many things which might otherwise have
remained for many years unsuggested.
I am the man who annually calls for a celebration of the Fourth of July
in our little town, and asks for some young elocutionist to be selected
by the committee, whose duty it shall be to read the Declaration of
Independence in a shrill voice to those who yearn to be thrilled through
and through with patriotism.
Did I not speak through the columns of the press in clarion tones for
a proper observance of our nation's great natal day in large gothic
extended caps, the nation's starry banner would remain furled and the
greased pig would continue to crouch in his lair. With the aid of my
genial co-workers Tax-Payer, Old Settler, Old Subscriber, Constant
Reader, U. L. See, Fair Play, and Mr. Pro Bono Publico, I have made
the world a far more desirable place in which to live than it would
otherwise have been.
My co-laborer, Mr. Tax-Payer, is an old contributor to the paper, but he
is not really a taxpayer. He uses this signature in order to conceal his
identity, just as I use the name Veritas. We have a great deal of fun
over this at our regular annual reunions, where we talk about all our
affairs.
Old Settler is a young tenderfoot who came here last spring and tried
to obtain a livelihood by selling an indestructible lamp-chimney. He did
well for several weeks by going to the different residences and throwing
one of his glass chimneys on the floor with considerable force to show
that it would not break. He did a good business till one day he made a
mistake. Instead of getting hold of his exhibition chimney, he picked
out one of the stock and busted it beyond recognition. Since that he has
been writing articles in violet ink relative to old times and publishing
them over the signature of Old Settler.
Old Subscriber is a friend of mine who reads his paper at the hotels
while waiting for a gratuitous drink. Fair Play is a retired monte man,
and Pro Bono Publico is our genial and urbane undertaker.
I am a very prolific writer, but all my work is not printed. A venal and
corrupt press at times hesitates about giving currency to such fearless,
earnest truths as I make use of.
I am also the man who says brave things in the columns of the papers
when the editor himself does not dare to say them because he is afraid
he will be killed. But what recks Veritas the bold and free? Does he
flinch or quail? Not a flinch; not a quail.
Boldly he flings aside his base fears, and with bitter vituperation he
assails those he dislikes, and attacks with resounding blows his own
personal enemies, fearlessly signing his name, Veritas, to the article,
so that those who yearn to kill him may know just who he is.
What would the world do without Veritas? In the hands of a horde of
journalists who have nothing to do but attend to their business, left
with no anonymous friend to whom they can fly when momentous occasions
arise, when the sound advice and better judgment of an outside friend
is needed, their condition would indeed be a pitiable one. But he will
never desert us. He is ever at hand, prompt to say, over his nom de
plume, what he might hesitate to say over his own name, for fear that he
might go home with a battle of Gettysburg under each eye and a nose like
a volcanic eruption. He cheerfully attacks everything and everybody, and
then goes away till the fight, the funeral, and the libel suit are
over. Then he returns and assails the grim monster Wrong. He proposes
improvements, and the following week a bitter reply comes from
Tax-Payer. Pro Bono Publico, the retired three-card-monteist, says: "Let
us have the proposed improvement, regardless of cost."
Then the cynical U. L. See (who is really the janitor at the blind
asylum) grumbles about useless expense, and finally draws out from
the teeming brain of Constant Reader a long, flabby essay, written
on red-ruled leaves, cut out of an old meat-market ledger, written
economically on both sides with light blue ink made of bluing and cold
tea. This essay introduces, under the most trying circumstances, such
crude yet original literary gems as:
Wad some power the giftie gie us, etc.
He also says:
The wee sma' hours ayant the twal.
And farther on:
Breathes there a man with soul so deal.
Who never to himself hath said, etc.
His essay is not so much the vehicle of thought as it is the
accommodation train for fragments of his old school declamations to ride
on.
But to Veritas we owe much. I say this because I know what I am talking
about, for am I not old Veritas himself? Haven't I been writing things
for the papers ever since papers were published? Am I not the man who
for years has been a stranger to fear? Have I not again and again
called the congressman, the capitalist, the clergyman, the voter and
the philanthropist everything I could lay my tongue to, and then fought
mosquitoes in the deep recesses of the swamp while the editor remained
at the office and took the credit for writing what I had given him for
nothing? Has not many a paper built up a name and a libel suit upon what
I have written, and yet I am almost unknown? When people ask, Who is
Veritas? and where does he live? no one seems to know. He is up
seven flights of stairs, in a hot room that smells of old clothes and
neglected thoughts. Far from the "madding crowd," as Constant Reader has
so truly said, I sit alone, with no personal property but an overworked
costume, a strong love for truth, and a shawl-strap full of suggestions
to the overestimated man who edits the paper..
So I battle on, with only the meager and flea-bitten reward of seeing my
name in print "anon," as Constant Reader would say. All I have to fork
over to posterity is my good name, which I beg leave to sign here.
Veritas.