She was a silly little, gushing thing, and habitually talked without
thinking, and in the exaggerated fashion which the female of the species
at present affects. Lately married, she was able to induce her adoring
hubby to go with her on shopping expeditions. Even when the tour included
a visit to an establishment where the most intimate of feminine garments
were on sale, he did not flinch.
In one such shop, the discreet manageress inquired as to whether a
certain set of silken unmentionables, recently purchased, had given full
satisfaction.
The little bride’s eyes grew round.
“Oh, they were beautiful!” she burst out, in her usual fashion.
“Everybody admired them—everybody!”
Turning pale, the unfortunate bridegroom didn’t know for a moment whether
to file for congress or go out and get a stiff drink of moonshine.
* * * * *
She had a sore throat, and was unable to sing, so the manager buzzed
her off to the theater’s medical man the tooter the sweeter. The doc.
produced his laryngoscope, and as he was adjusting it he pleasantly
remarked, “You’d be surprised how far we can see with this little
instrument.”
“Oh, is that so, doctor?” she faltered. “Well, it can’t be helped, but I
ought to tell you that I really had no time to change my things before I
came out.”
_Whiz Bang Etiquette_
Is your etiquation on etiquette inetiquate? Do you pull the faux pas,
gaucherie, vulgarian, and other boners too humorous to mention?
Read these questions thoughtlessly, study the answers carelessly and add
both to your misinformation on this subject:
What do you know about introductions?
If Green and Brown met at your home brewery for the first time, would you
say, “Green, meet Brown. Boys, have a drink,” or vice versa? Suppose the
Siamese Twins dropped in about that time to borrow your recipe for double
brew. Would you present them plurally or en mash?
Don’t introduce them; familiarity breeds a thirst.
The ballroom should always be a center of (physical) culture and grace.
What is the correct position for the gentleman in dancing?
Cheek to cheek.
For the lady?
Vice versa.
Is it correct to wander away from the ballroom with a dancing partner?
If you become delirious, you may wander.
Is the “shimmy” done in the best society?
Yes.
How?
Like a bowl of jello in an earthquake.
Should one try to dance if they do not know the steps?
No, that would brand you as a hopeless vulgarian.
Should one crack jokes about the ladies’ gowns?
No, your conversation should not be confined to trivialities.
If a girl asks you in when you escort her home from the ball at 3 a. m.,
should you accept her invitation?
Politely decline, and give me her address.
Every dinner should begin with a little soup and less noise.
Should the lady of the house help the soup?
Yes, if it needs it.
What would you do if you made a wine stain on a lady’s dress?
Help her to remove it, the stain.
Should you decline wine by clapping your hand on top of your glass?