"TO LOVE IS TO FORGIVE"
The troubles of the young are tragic in their intensity, and during that
night of despair Sybil had suffered keenly, cruelly, hopelessly. It
seemed to her that she had fallen into an abyss from which rescue was
impossible. For the first time she realized that in the recklessly
generous giving of her love there had been destroyed something more
precious even than the "alabaster box" so recklessly shattered,
centuries ago, by a loving woman in the eager doing of a more sacred
homage.
The bitterness of her fall revealed to her how great her pride had been,
and at first a furious resentment filled her heart against the man who
in love's name had so humbled her. Looking back through the golden light
of that time of perfect joy, she tried to see what path had led her to
the precipice, to understand why she had not resisted and held back.
Then slowly, very slowly, it dawned on her that _opportunity_ had been
the lure that gently led her into a laxity that almost imperceptibly
through remissness became latitude. Her daily carefully guarded
companionship with Stewart Thrall at Mrs. Van Camp's home had placed her
upon a friendly footing of perfect confidence, and he was so great he
must, she thought, be good; and so she had scarcely noticed when at
Stivers's house he first read her her Tennyson, sitting at her feet,
leaning against her knee, and had paid no heed to the increasing
frequency of those afternoon demands for Stivers's presence at the
theatre wardrobe-room; and when she played for him upon the little
upright piano, standing across the corner of the room, it had not
startled her, when he was turning her music, to feel him drop a kiss
into her wavy, up-gathered hair. Experience and opportunity as against
inexperience and foolish trust!
Again the words of Juliet came to her lips: "Known too late! known too
late!" And Juliet thought herself unhappy--unhappy, when she was not
shamed, when she was loved!
"Oh!" she wrung her hands hard, "he seemed--he truly seemed to love me!
His beautiful eyes glowed so! His lips had a smile that seemed for me
alone! But then, dear God! I forget now, as I forgot then, he is an
actor!" She laughed contemptuously. "A great actor! and I have helped to
pass away those weary hours, when he was bereft of the gayety of the
joyous Mrs. Thrall!"
For women know one another well, and, as Sybil had passed on Stivers's
arm that night, Mrs. Thrall had sent a merry laugh forth, apropos of
nothing spoken, but simply to pierce the lonely girl's heart with
jealous pain--and she had succeeded perfectly.
The long, sleepless night of agony and shame had left its mark on the
girl, young and strong as she was. Her room, made bower-like with ferns
and palms and many scarlet poinsettias (Thrall taboo'd all perfumed,
growing plants there) seemed to accentuate the languor and the weariness
of its girlish occupant. Wrapped in a Japanese kimona, white and gold
outside and peachy pink within, with wavy, densely dark hair tucked up
carelessly with a big shell comb, the bluish shadows beneath her heavy
eyes, the level brows drawn close, and the sullen, red mouth all
unsmiling, she looked a very tragic young figure and pitiful withal, to
the haggard gaze of Stewart Thrall, the man who loved her and had
wronged her.
He stood before her, very erect, very pale. His dark-blue eyes,
guiltless of amorous droop, wide and bright, had in them a strained
intensity of regard that was painful. Raw soldiers, under waiting
orders, though yet in sight of action, wear just that expression of
strained vision--of desperate self-control. At first sight of him Sybil
had felt her tired heart give a glad upward spring in her breast, and
her impulse was to fly into his arms for shelter, and there to weep, and
weep, and weep--while he, in fond, foolish fashion, kissed and beat her
slim hand softly against his cheek--just as might the mother of a little
wailing child. But suddenly she seemed to see beside him the pale,
ashen-blonde woman, who, from the shadowy box, had so tormented her, and
who later stood beneath the blazing lights, and, holding fast the arm of
this man--her husband--had sent forth that mocking, triumphant laugh,
that, like a hate-sped arrow, had fairly reached its victim's heart,
where it would rankle for many a day to come! And she checked the
impulse, and asked, instead, "What brings you here?"
"Sybil! Sybil!" the man pleaded.
She looked at him with gloomy eyes, and said, slowly: "My father is an
old man, esteemed weak even by his family; yet, being one of those
old-fashioned absurdities--a gentleman--he values the honor of his
daughters so highly that if he knew the truth he would surely kill you,
Mr. Thrall!"
"And he would be within his rights," gravely assented Stewart.
"But," continued the girl, in coldly contemptuous tones, "after all, we
are not properly located, geographically, for such a deed. I lack, too,
the instinctive love of carnage that makes the shedding of an enemy's
blood necessary to the girl of the tropics, when the wrecking of her
honor has been the amusement of some married man!"
Thrall stood as if he had received the cut of a whip, but said
nothing--not one word.
"Why are you here?" she broke out then more hotly. "Your coming is an
insult to me! Perhaps, pitying my loneliness and now having made me a
fit companion for the Manice, you may be about to remove the embargo
formerly placed upon my association with her!"
He turned pained eyes upon her and said, faintly: "Child, you strike
hard and deep, but don't turn the knife!"
"Oh!" she cried, "so highly placed, so powerful, so flattered and so
sought, why could you not pass _me_ by? Why need you stoop to break so
poor and lowly a thing? You were cowardly! you were cruel! No wonder you
are silent--had you no truth, no honor, no love?"
He answered, still very low: "Of truth and honor, very little, but
love?" he looked at her with devouring eyes, "dear God, _love_?"
And she repeated bitterly, jeeringly: "Love? You, a married man?"
He smiled a little and answered, gently: "Love comes as it wills,
and--and--" There he stopped, for he saw by the horror in her eyes that
for the first time she saw in their relations simply sin, bereft of all
sophistry, and he was dumb--he, the clever, the brilliant, usually so
full of subtlety and finesse, who in a like situation in the past would
have laughingly denounced the folly of blushing for an undiscovered sin,
or have gayly taught his fair companion in guilt that eleventh
commandment, so dear to the worldly man and the light woman: "Be ye not
found out, for of such is the kingdom of the Successful." He stood with
all the artifices stricken from him, incapable of specious argument, of
trick or wile of any kind. Erstwhile, where money had had power to
tempt, he had seen that money had power to comfort, too--but not here!
not here! Where grief and passionate reproach looked from eyes that
yesterday had shone all radiant with love--her glory then--her shame
to-day! And all there was of manhood in him was roused to vehement
longing to honor publicly the creature whom he had secretly dishonored.
"Oh!" she moaned, helplessly, "what shall I do with my life! I am
ashamed to look back--I am afraid to look forward! They said there was
no sex in art! And when you showed such patience with me and my
ignorance, I almost worshipped you, and hoped art might make me as
generous in time! But it was your approval I toiled for! It was your
acting that I strove to emulate! Perhaps you thought I was not grateful;
but, oh, I was! I was! And I used to think if I ever wore the dramatic
crown I yearned for, I'd proudly tell to all the world whose hand had
placed it in my reach! Perhaps if you had known how humbly grateful I
was, you would not have made me pay this awful price!"
The man's jaws clenched so tightly that their outlines showed white on
his cheeks.
"As a conquest, Mr. Thrall, I am scarcely worthy of your skill, and yet
my being a 'society debutante' may add a slight fillip of novelty to the
old, old story of ruined girlhood--such trifles help, no doubt, to keep
up an actor's popularity!"
"You are very cruel!" he groaned.
"_I?_" she cried, accusingly, "_I_ am cruel?"
"Yes; it is cruel to take pleasure in another's pain, but--" He closed
his eyes an instant, and then went on very patiently. "I may not ask you
for mercy. Being guilty, it is right I _should_ suffer!"
"Suffer?" she repeated, unbelievingly. "You? Why should you suffer,
pray? You have hung a millstone about _my_ neck for life! But you go
lightly enough along the conqueror's path! _You_ suffer--from what? You
have done nothing to unfit you for your world! You will be feasted and
banqueted as usual; you are quite secure with your fashionable clientele
of women, who will applaud you rapturously, while looking upon me as
forever defiled!" Then, rather wildly, she added: "You said the crown
you promised me was pasteboard, but you did not tell me it was wreathed
inside with thorns! Oh, why have you betrayed my adoring faith in you!
What have I ever done to harm you? Why--why in God's great name--why
have you so deceived me?"
Slowly he answered: "I thought you----"
"Do not dare!" gasped Sybil, "do not dare add a last infamous insult to
cruel injury by telling me you thought I knew you were married!"
"At first," he persisted, "I supposed you knew; then when I found you
did not, I--I--was in the grasp of a merciless passion. Dear, I _could_
not speak! I _could not_, I tell you! Sybil! beloved! I would step
between you and death without the flicker of an eyelash! I would give my
life's blood for you as freely as a cup of water! Yet, I--who would
gladly defend you from a world, was not strong enough to defend you from
myself--from the love that possessed me utterly--at whose fire I relit
ambition--romance--the desire for high achievement! You believe me
guilty of a mere base passion; you are wrong! Doubtless there are men in
the world who, loving even as I loved you, could have held their
feelings well in leash, sealed their lips for honor's sake, but that
power would come from long training and much practice in
self-denial--not from one sporadic effort of self-control! And I, oh,
child, flattered by the world--vain, egotistical, and spoiled--when had
I acquired strength through patient endurance or through temptations
resisted? I was incapable of self-abnegation; I, who had denied myself
nothing all my life long, could not begin by denying my desperate love
the possession that it longed for! For men are like that, dear, in spite
of your contemptuous unbelief. Be they good or be they bad, be they ever
so reverently true, their senses will demand possession of the beloved.
And I was so desolate--so lonely! There was not even friendship within
the whited sepulchre of my domestic life."
The girl shrank. "Don't!" she cried, "don't add to cruelty and
cowardice--treachery to her! She is very cruel, but then a good wife who
suspects a wrong to her love has a right to be cruel!"
"Oh, you innocent, just soul!" the man cried. "Yes, she is cruel in very
deed, since being a wife in name alone these years past she yet clings
tenaciously to that empty title. She has not enough womanly pride to
free the man who earnestly pleads to be released, whose chill
indifference protects her from temptation. She is technically a loyal
wife, but practically a foe--a sort of satiric keeper of the records of
my life. 'A wrong to her love,' you said. You generous child, she does
not know what love means, but she does know her legal rights; and to my
agony will maintain them to the last, since the shibboleth of her life
is: 'What will the world say?' Yes, she is very cruel!"
Sybil shivered as she recalled the contemptuous slow smile, the
unrelenting, inquisitorial, pale eyes, but answered: "I suppose I should
be cruel, too, if I were a wronged wife." She stopped; the blood rushed
in a scarlet tide over all her shamed, pained face. "A wife?"--she gave
a gasp and put her hand to her throat as if to remove some stricture
there. "I may never be a wife! Marriage is honorable! Dorothy may wed,
but I--" And then an agonized cry rang through the house: "Dorothy! oh,
Dorothy! Little sister! I have lost you! I shall not dare to look into
your honest eyes, lest you should see the sin in mine! I may not kiss
your lips or touch your cheek, nor ever again pillow your dear head upon
my arm the long night through because of the pollution on my life that
makes me base, unworthy, and unfit associate for innocence like yours!"
"Be silent!" savagely interrupted Thrall, with death-white face.
"I have fallen to a level with the creatures you pity in the street,
little sister! I am defiled forever!" And she fell prone upon the couch
in an agony of tears.
Thrall sprang at her like a tiger; he dragged her to a sitting position
among the tumbled cushions, and, grasping her shoulders, he rocked her
back and forth in savage rage, crying: "How dare you? how dare you, I
say? You have been pleased to call me coward many times to-day, but you
have the bitter right to say what you will to me, and I must bear it
patiently because I merit more even than you say; but I am not coward
enough to stand by and hear you blaspheme against yourself! I, by every
wile at my command, by the compelling charm and strength of a great
love, and by your ignorance of human nature, have led you into a breach
of the law! Well, the fault is mine--God knows that! You vile? you
defiled? how dare you? You are as pure in heart as any earthly creature
can be! Your sense of honor, your respect for duty, your high ideals
have made deception and falsehood hateful to me! Your quick sympathy for
those who suffer has made me more considerate of the feelings of those
about me! What have you done--what have you to blush for? You have been
guilty of a generosity that brings me to my knees in adoration! All
glorious as the morning, without suspicion, without fear, having given
your great heart, with royal prodigality you gave yourself! You obeyed
the instinct nature placed in you, in loving so! How dare you, then,
compare yourself to those unfortunates who sell their forced and painted
smiles? How dare you--you, pure-hearted, proud, gifted, clean-minded?
Have I been rough to you? Forgive me, sweet, but you nearly drove me
mad, and--and I suffer, Sybil!"
He sank at her feet, and laid his brow against her knees.
She trembled, but did not speak.
"Beloved," he went on, "I only live through you! My soul is yours! I
worship--I adore you! Let me serve you! I dare not say forgive, but try
to forget this private pain in public triumph. You have great gifts;
don't neglect them. You are a fashion now--if I live you shall have
fame. You shall not be hippodromed, as I was, into the success that
stifles faith in the purity of art, the prosperity that swallows up
energy and sincerity."
She sat as in a trance, her heart thrilling to the music of a voice that
even the public found irresistible. Half her torture had been in the
belief that she had become contemptible in his eyes--that she had been a
mere "pour passer le temps"; therefore, this homage had something of
comfort in its respectful wording as he went on: "I have experience,
knowledge, skill; let me use them for your advancement. You shall be
left free to study, to realize your beautiful ideals, unhampered by
commercial questions of any kind. I will do my best, my very best, to
warn you away from pitfalls of mannerisms; to polish and refine without
producing artificiality. The service of my whole life shall be
yours--the sole object of my life, the secure placing of the dramatic
crown upon your head; and in return I ask [he held out empty, trembling
hands] such scraps of affection as may fall from your table of family
love--such crumbs of your time as you can spare to me!"
And that humble pleading came from Stewart Thrall, to whom love had been
before such a tumultuous, triumphant distraction and amusement!
The girl flushed and paled, but kept her sombre eyes averted from the
face, where rage had changed to tender pity and passionate pleading.
"Sybil?" he almost whispered.
Still she was silent. It was very hard what she had in mind to say. This
winning, gracious man had been the hero of all her girlish dreams, as
well as the honored "master," who was arbiter of her fate, and only now
she realized how he had absorbed her life--how hard it was to give him
up, all in a moment. Poor child! this second peril was almost greater
than the first; but, worn and weary, she was incapable of reasoning, of
seeking out motives then.
"Sybil?" came again the dear, tempting voice, "if I begged for bread,
you would not treat me so! Beloved, answer me!" Kneeling there he
reached out his arms and clasped her waist. "Answer me, at least!"
She sprang to her feet, and as she put her hands behind her, striving to
break his strong clasp, she answered confusedly, brokenly:
"I--I--can't--I must go--go quite away! You must know that! I--I--can't
play--ever--any more!"
Very compassionately he reminded her: "You must have learned before
this, Princess, the inexorable claim of the stage. Nothing but death
releases an actor from duty."
"Well," she answered, bitterly, "that Sybil Lawton _is_ dead!"
His face contracted painfully, but he answered steadily: "The world does
not know that. It would be fatal to us all to close. I am sorry, but
the play must go on, beloved."
Like lightning she recalled the warm hand pressures, the whispered sweet
"asides," the passionate love-scene, and that long embrace in the
chamber balcony, and cried out sharply: "With _you_? with _you_? I must
act again with _you_?"
His arms fell from her waist; his face was hard and white as marble as
he rose to his feet. His voice was icy, but during his next courteous,
chill words he kept his eyes downcast that the tears might not bear
witness to his pain.
"I forgot," he said, "that you were not experienced enough to sink the
man in the artist, and--and you must pardon my dulness, but--I did not
fully appreciate the--[he moistened his unwilling, stammering lips] the
loathing you feel for me personally. I have proved very slow-witted, but
I am not a pachyderm, and my intelligence can be reached, you see, by
sharp, stinging pain. Your method is severe, Miss Lawton, but eminently
successful. I am not likely to forget the lesson now that I have learned
it."
Sybil's dark eyes dilated with pain. Her need of sympathy was so great
that those icy tones turned her faint with misery.
"It was hard enough before," she murmured, and a piteous quiver came
about her lips.
He had been mortified, humbled, and wounded when she shrank so from
acting with him again. He thought it signified bitter hate,
unconquerable aversion; and, instead, it had been an expression of
terror, a confession of a weakness which she only began to realize when
she found how hard if was not to yield at once to his pleading. There
was something so pathetic, so unconsciously pleading in those words, "It
was hard enough before," that he asked pardon, and went gravely on: "It
is my duty to obey your wishes so far as my power goes. I cannot take
off the play; you will understand yourself when you have time for
thought, but being a gentleman, at least superficially [he corrected
himself with a flush rising to his face], I will not publicly force my
companionship upon you as Romeo, to your private annoyance [his voice
shook a little in spite of himself, and he paused a moment]. I will put
things in motion at once--looking to your relief."
Sybil sank into the corner of the couch, and, folding her arms upon a
pillow, buried her face in the loose sleeve of her kimona.
"My throat," he went on, "can be in bad shape, and a drop of atropia now
and then will keep me hoarse enough for our purpose--just at first.
Young Fitzallen [Sybil's hand clenched suddenly], who is quite up in the
lines, will take my place 'at short notice to oblige,' and--and, well,
after a while we will find some excuse for continuing him in the part.
'Sufficient unto the day,' I have to scurry a bit about the printing and
the finding of the young man. He will have to wear some of my costumes;
you won't mind that, I hope--Monday night is so very close. He will come
over here about ten or half-past in the morning to rehearse with you,
and you must be very exacting about the 'business.' See that nothing is
forgotten; the public is quick to miss anything it has become accustomed
to. The balcony scene [the girl's figure seemed to writhe among the
cushions] is--very--important--and--" He stopped, and then quite
suddenly he turned toward the door, saying: "I'll do my best to save you
from the degradation you dread. I'll send your new Romeo to you early."
Like pictures on a scroll, she saw all the tender love-scenes, growing
one out from another, ever sweeter, stronger, more intense, and at the
balcony of Juliet's chamber, at the farewell embrace--that the applause
made long--she thought "another's arms about me, another's eyes
searching mine," and so, shuddering, repulsion seized upon her and wrung
from her lips the cry: "No! no! don't! Oh, don't! I could not bear it--I
should die!"
She was standing, one bent knee among the cushions, leaning forward on
one supporting arm. He turned. "Sybil--do you mean--you will have mercy
on me--that you will try for art's sake to forget the man in the actor?
Oh, beloved, if you could believe! To my arid life you brought freshness
and strength and reverence--yes, in spite of my sin against you, oh,
wife of my soul! Pity me! my sin is very hard to bear!"
Suddenly she stretched out her arms to him. With wide, almost
unbelieving eyes he sank on his knees before her, asking, faintly: "You
pity me? But, oh, you cannot forgive?"
She took his head between her hands and kissed his brow, saying: "To
love is to forgive!"
He gave a cry and started to his feet. A deadly paleness came upon her
face.
"I am not strong enough," she said, "for martyrdom--alas! I am no child
of light! But where I love--be it strength or be it weakness--I love
forever!"
His arms closed about her, her weary head sank upon his breast. He
stooped and kissed her tenderly, solemnly. She lifted her heavy eyes and
added "My fidelity shall be my purification!"