PERFIDY, THY NAME IS WOMAN!
Old Robert Anderson of Birkenbog was known to me by sight--a huge,
jovial, two-ply man, chin and waistcoat alike testifying to good cheer.
He wore a large horse-shoe pin in his unstiffened stock. A watch that
needed an inch-thick chain to haul up its sturdy Nuremburg-egg build,
strained the fob on his right side, as if he carried a mince-pie
concealed there. His laugh dominated the market-place, and when he stood
with his legs wide apart pouring a sample of oats slowly from one hand
into the palm of the other, his red face with the cunning quirks in it
had always a little gathering of admirers, eager for the next
high-spiced tale. He had originally come from the English border, and in
his "burr" and accent still bore token of that nationality.
Nevertheless, he had his admirers, some of them fervent as well as
constant.
Cochrane of the Holm would be there, his hand on the shoulder of
Blethering Johnny from the Dinnance. These two always laughed before a
word was uttered. They thought Birkenbog so funny that everything he
said was side-splitting even before he had said it.
I remember being a great deal impressed myself by Old Birkenbog. He was
a wonderful horseman as a boy, and when he came to the market alone he
rode a big black horse of which even the head ostler stood in awe in the
yard of the King's Arms. Once he had thrashed a robber who had assailed
him on his way to pay his rent, and had brought him into town trotting
cross-handed at his horse's tail, the captive of his loaded whip and
stout right arm. It is doubtful if this draggled Dick Turpin, lying in
Bridewell, appreciated Birkenbog's humour quite so much as did Cochrane
and Blethering Jock when he told them the story afterwards.
If I had any common-sense I might have seen that Birkenbog was not a
safe man to trouble in the matter of an only daughter, without the most
serious intentions in the world. But, truth to tell, I never thought of
him knowing, which was in itself a thing quite superfluous and
altogether out of my calculations. I had had some small experience of
girls even before Miss Irma came to change everything. And the fruit of
my observations had been that, though girls tell each other's secrets
freely enough, they keep a middling tight grip on their own. Nay, they
can even be trusted with yours, in so far as these concern
themselves--until, of course, you quarrel with them--and then--well,
then look out!
Certainly I found lots of chances to talk to Charlotte. In fact Agnes
Anne made them for me, and coached me on what to say out of books. Also
she cross-examined Charlotte afterwards upon my performances, and
supplemented what I had omitted by delivering the passage in full. My
poor version, however, pleased Charlotte just as much, for merely being
"walked out" gave her a standing among Miss Seraphina's young ladies,
who asked her what it felt like to be engaged.
All had to be gone about in so ceremonious a manner, too, at least at
first--when I made my formal call on Miss Huntingdon, who received me in
her parlour with prim civility, as if I had come to order a leghorn hat
of the best.
"My mother's compliments, and might Miss Charlotte Anderson be allowed
to accompany Agnes Anne to tea at four hours that day? I would be
responsible--yes, I knew Miss Huntingdon to be most particular upon this
point--for the convoy of the young ladies to the school-house, and would
see Miss Anderson safe home again."
My mother winked at these promenades, because in her heart of hearts she
was more than a little jealous of Irma. Charlotte Anderson she could
understand. She was of her own far-off kin, but Irma and her brother had
descended upon us, as it were, from another world.
Why Agnes Anne meddled I cannot so well make out, unless it were the
mania which at a certain age attacks most nice girls--that of
distributing their brothers among their dearest friends--as far, that
is, as they will go round.
So Charlotte and I walked under the tall firs of the Academy wood in the
hope that Irma might be passing that way. I escorted her home in full
sight of all Eden Valley--that was always on the look-out for whatever
might happen in the way of courtship about the shop of the famous
mantua-maker.
And yet (I know people will think I am lying) never, I say, did I find
Miss Irma so desirable in my eyes as when I saw her at Heathknowes
during these days of folly. It was not that she was kinder to me. She
appeared not to think of me either one way or the other. She curtsied to
me, like a bird, flirting the train of her gown like a wagtail on a
stone by the running stream. One forenoon she met us, strolling with
little Louis by the hand, her black hair crowned with scarlet
hips--those berries of the wild dog-rose which grow so great in our
country lanes. She waved us a joyous little salute from the top of a
stile, on which she perched as lightly as if joyful graces were
fluttering about her, and she herself ready to take wing.
But she never so much as looked wistful, but let me go my way with a
single flirt of a kerchief she was adjusting about her brother's neck.
As for me I was ready to hang myself in self-contempt and hatred of poor
innocent Charlotte Anderson, who smiled and imagined, doubtless, that
she was fulfilling the end for which she had come to Miss Huntingdon's.
After we had separated I went to thinking sadly on the stupidity of my
performances. This field of thought was a large one and the
consideration of it, patch by patch, took some time. It was market day.
The bleating of flocks was about me, a pleasant smell of wool and tar
and heather--and of bullocks blowing clouds of perfumed breath that
condensed upon the frosty air. I was leaning my arms upon the stone dyke
of the Market Hill and thinking of Irma, now by my own act rendered more
inaccessible than ever--when a hand, heavy as a ham falling from a high
ceiling, descended upon my shoulder. A voice of incomparable richness, a
little husky perhaps with the morning's moistening at the King's Arms,
cried out, "So ho, lad! thou dost not want assurance! Thinking on the
lasses at thy age! You're the chap, they tell me, that's been walkin'
out my daughter in broad daylight! Well, well, cannot find it in my
heart to be too hard--did the like mysel' thirty years ago, and never
regretted it. School-master's son, aren't ye? Thought I kenned ye by
sight! Student lad at the College of Edinburgh? Yes, yes--knew thy
father any time ever since he came from the North. No man has anything
to say again thy father! Except that he does not lay on the young
rascals' backs half heavily enough! I dare say thou would be noways the
worse of a dressing down thysel'!"
All this time he was thumping me on my back, and I was standing before
him with such a red face, and (I doubt not) such a compound of idiocy
and black despair upon it, that I might have been listening to my doom
being pronounced by the mouth of some full-blooded, jovial red judge,
with a bunch of seals the size of your fist dangling from his fob and
the loaded whip with which he had brought down the highwayman, under his
arm.
"Come thou up to the King's Arms!" he cried; "don't stand there looking
like a dummy. Let's have the matter out! Thour't noan shamed, surely!
There's no reason for why. At thy age, laddie--hout-hout--there's no
wrong as young folks go. Come thy ways, lad!"
Obediently I followed in his wake as he elbowed a way through the crowd,
salutations pouring in upon him on every side.
"Ah, Birkenbog, what's brought you into the market this day--sellin'
lambs?"
"That's as may be--buyin' calves more belike!"
This was for my benefit, and the old brute, tasting his sorry jest,
turned and slapped me again, winking all the time with his formidable
brows in a spasmodic and horrible manner, that was like a threat.
Now, I did not mind Lalor Maitland or Galligaskins when my blood was up.
But now it was down--far down--indeed in my very boots.
All the time and every step of the way, I was trying in a void and empty
brain to evolve plans of escape. I could only hear the rich port-wine
chuckle of that great voice, and watch the gleam of those huge silver
spurs.
And so presently we came to the King's Arms. Never was bold wooer in a
more hopeless position. Whichever way I turned the case was
desperate--if I resisted, I could not expect to fare better than Tam
Haggart, whom that whip shank had beaten to the ground on the Corse o'
Slakes. If I let myself drift, then farewell all hope of Irma Maitland.
I hesitated and was lost. But who in my place could have bettered
it--save by not being such a portentous fool to begin with? But when
that is in a man, it will out.
I entered the King's Arms meekly, and before I knew what I was doing I
had been presented to three or four solid-thighed, thick-headed,
stout-legginged farmers as "Our Lottie's intended." They laughed, and
came near to shaking my hand off. I felt that if I backed out after
that, I never could show my face in Eden Valley again.
Then we proceeded to business. I had not been accustomed to drink
anything stronger than water, and I was not going to begin now--so much
of sense I had left in me. So as often as the mighty farmer of Birkenbog
had his tankard pointed at the cornice of the commercial room of the
King's Arms, I poured the contents of mine carefully among the sawdust
on the floor.
And then my formidable "future" father-in-law got to the root of the
matter.
"Father know about this?" He shot out the question as from a catapult.
"No, sir," said I, "I did not think of troubling him just yet--till----"
"Till what?"
"Till things were a bit more settled," I faltered. He put his loosely
clenched fist on my knee. It appeared as large as the flat part of a
pair of smith's bellows.
"Well, that's what we are here now for, eh?" he said. "I doan't blame
ye, you young dog. Now I like a fine up-standing wench myself, well
filled out, none o' your flails done up in a bean-sack, nor yet a
tea-pot little body that makes the folk laugh as they see her trotting
alongside a personable man like me. Lottie will do ye fine. She's none
great at the books--takes after her mother in that, but she's a good
girl, and I'll warrant ye, she will keep up her end of an argument well
enough after a year or two's practice. But, mind you, lad, there's to be
nothing come of this till I see you safe through college as a doctor.
Fees? Nonsense! Go to the hospitals, man, I'll pay for that part. It can
come off what I have put aside to give the man that took Lottie off my
hands! A doctor--yes, that's the business, and one sore needed here in
this very Eden Valley! _Whisht_--there--who think ye bought old Andrew
Leith's practice and house? Who keeps the lads from the college there
and sends them packing at the end of every six months? Why, me--Anderson
of Birkenbog. So haste ye fast, and when ye are ready, the house is
ready, and the practice and the tocher--and as for the lass ye have made
it up with her yourself, as I understand."
Never was there a poorer-spirited wooer! No, never one. The very pour of
words stunned me. Had it not been for the coming and going of
Dutch-girthed brother-farmers, dumping bags of "samples" on the table,
and hauling at purses tied with leathern strings out of tight breeches
pockets, the "What's your will, sir?" of Tom the drawer, and the clink
of cannikins, I must have been found out even then.
But the part of the trouble which was to be mine personally was coming
to an end. After all, his daughter's future was only an item in
Birkenbog's programme of the day.
"Well, then, lad"--he clapped me again on the shoulder (I sitting there
with the soul of an oyster)--"we have arranged everything
comfortable--eh? Now you can go and tell Lottie. Aye, and ye can say to
Miss--what's her name--Thimbolina, the old dowager with the
corkscrews--with my compliments, that there's a sweet-milk cheese
ripening on the dairy shelves for her at Birkenbog. Hear ye that, lad?"
I took my leave as best I could. I felt I had hopelessly committed
myself. For though I had not said a word, I had not dared to reveal to
this fierce father, that being in love with another, I had been using
his daughter as a stalking horse.
"And, look here, Duncan lad," he said, "I'll just step up and have a
word with your father. The clearer understanding there is between
families on such like arrangements, the less trouble there will be in
the future!"
And he strode away out into the yard, halting, however, at the door to
call out in a voice that could be heard all over the neighbourhood,
"Come thy ways up to Birkenbog on Sunday and take a bit o' dinner wi'
us! Then thou canst see our Lottie and tell her how many times sweeter
she is than a sugar-plum! Ho, ho!"
He was gone at last and I fairly blushed myself down the street, pushing
my way between the ranks of the market stalls and the elbowing farmers.
"Are ye blind or only daft?" one apple wife called out, as I shook her
rickety erection of trestles and boards. She was as red in the face as
Birkenbog himself, for a cur with a kettle tied to its tail had taken
refuge under her stall, and she had been serving a writ of ejectment
with the same old umbrella with which she whacked thievish boys and
sheltered her goods on rainy days.
But I heeded not. I was seeking solitude. I felt that I wanted nothing
from the entire clan of human beings. I had lost all that I should ever
really love. Irma--Irma! And here was I, settled for life with one for
whom I cared not a penny!
By the time I had reached this stage, I had come out upon the bare woods
that mount the path by the riverside. I came to the great holly, a cave
of green shade in summer, and now a warm shelter in these tall solitudes
of wattled branches standing purple and black against the winter sky.
Ah, there was some one there already. I stepped out again quickly, but
not too fast to see that it was Charlotte Anderson herself I had
stumbled upon--_and that she was crying_!