MY FIRST LOVE.
Mere boy as I was, my heart had been deeply moved by the beauty of Miss
Ella Carlos, I often waited upon her all day without feeling the least
fatigue; and at night my dreams were full of her. I don't think that she
was wholly insensible to my devotion, but it seemed a matter of
amusement and curiosity to her.
I remember, one day--Oh, how should I forget it, for it formed a strong
link of evil in my unhappy destiny,--that I was sitting on the bank of
the river, making a cross-bow for my pretty young lady out of a tough
piece of ash, for she wanted to play at shooting at a mark, and she and
Master Walter were sitting beside me watching the progress of my work,
when the latter said--
"I wish I were two years older."
"Why do you wish that, Watty?" asked Ella.
"Because papa says I am to go into the army at sixteen, and I do so long
to be a soldier."
"But you might be killed."
"And I might live to be a great man like the Duke of Wellington," said
he with boyish enthusiasm. "So, Madame Ella, set the one chance against
the other."
"But it requires more than mere courage, Walter, to make a great man
like him. I have heard papa say--and he fought under him in Spain--that
it takes a century to produce a Wellington."
"I think papa did the Duke great injustice," said Walter. "There is not
one of the heroes of antiquity to compare to him. Julius Caesar was not a
greater conqueror than Napoleon, and Wellington beat him. But great as
the Duke is, Miss Ella, he was a boy once--a soldier of fortune, as I
shall be; and who knows but that I may win as great a name?"
"It is a good thing, to have a fine conceit of one's self," said the
provoking girl. "And what would you like to be, Noah?" she cried, with a
playful smile, and turning her bright, blue eyes on me. "An Oliver
Cromwell at least, as he was a man of the people; and you seem to have
as good a headpiece as my valiant brother."
"I wish," I said with a sigh, which I could not repress, "that I were a
gentleman."
"Perhaps you are as near obtaining your wish as Walter is. And why,
Noah, do you wish to be a gentleman? You are much better off if you only
knew it, as you are."
I shook my head.
"Come answer me, Noah, I want to know."
"Indeed, Miss Ella, I cannot."
"You can, and shall."
I looked earnestly into her beautiful face.
"Oh, Miss Ella, can you ask that?"
"Why not? Your reasons, Mr. Noah. Your reasons."
My eyes sought the ground. I felt the colour glow upon my cheeks, and I
answered in a voice trembling with emotion,--"Because, if I were a
gentleman, Miss Ella, I might then hope that you would love me; and that
I might one day ask you for my wife."
The young thing sprang from the ground as if stung by a viper, her eyes
flashing and her cheek crimson with passion. "_You_ are an impertinent,
vulgar fellow," she cried! "_You_ dare to think of marrying a lady!
_You_, who have not even fortune to atone for your plebeian name and low
origin! Never presume to speak to me again!"
She swept from us in high dudgeon. Her brother laughed at what he termed
a funny joke. I was silent and for ever. The subject was the most
important to me in life. That flash of disdain from the proud bright
eye--that haughty sarcastic curve of her beautiful young lip, had
annihilated it. Yet, her words awoke a strange idea in my mind, that
finally lured me onward to destruction. They led me to imagine, that the
want of fortune was the only real obstacle between me and the attainment
of my presumptuous hopes. That common as my name was, I only required
the magic of gold to ennoble it; and proud as she was, if I were but
rich, even she would condescend to listen to me and become mine.
From that hour Miss Ella walked and talked with me no more. I saw her
daily at the hall, but she never cast upon me a passing glance, or if
chance threw us in the same path, she always turned disdainfully away.
The distance which every hour widened between us, only served to
increase the passion that consumed me. I tried to feel indifferent to
her scorn, in fact to hate her if I could, but my efforts in both cases
proved abortive.
Shortly after this conversation, Mr. Walter joined the army, and Miss
Ella accompanied her mother to France to finish her education; and I was
placed under the head gamekeeper, to learn the art of detecting snares
and catching poachers.
I filled the post assigned me with such credit to myself, and so
completely to the satisfaction of my master, that after a few years, on
the death of old Joe Hunter, I was promoted to his place, with a salary
of one hundred pounds per annum--and the use of this cottage and farm
rent free.
I now fancied myself an independent man; and my old longing for being a
gentleman returned with double force; and though I had not seen Miss
Ella for years, my boyish attachment was by no means diminished by
absence. I determined to devote all my spare time in acquiring a
knowledge of books. Our curate was a poor and studious man; to him I
made known my craving for mental improvement; and as my means were more
than adequate to my simple wants, and I never indulged in low vices, I
could afford to pay him well for instructing me in the arts and
sciences.
If Mr. Abel found me a willing pupil, I found in him a kind,
intellectual instructor. Would to God I had made him a confidant of the
state of my mind, and given him the true motives which made me so eager
to improve myself. But from boyhood I was silent and reserved, and
preferred keeping my thoughts and opinions to myself. I never could
share the product of my brain with another; and this unsociable
secretiveness, though it invested me with an outward decency of
deportment, fostered a mental hypocrisy and self deception, far more
destructive to true godliness than the most reckless vivacity.
Mr. Abel entertained a high respect for me--I was the model young man of
the parish; and where-ever he went, he spoke in terms of approbation of
my talents, my integrity, my filial duty to my mother, and the laudable
efforts I was making to raise myself in society. This was all very
gratifying to my vanity. I firmly believed in the verity of my own
goodness, and considered the good curate only did me justice.
Our conversation often turned on religious matters, but my orthodoxy was
so correct, my outward conduct so unimpeachable, that my title to piety
of a superior cast made not the least item in the long catalogue of my
virtues. And the heart all this time,--that veiled and guarded heart,
whose motions none ever looked upon or suspected--was a blank moral
desert; a spot in which every corrupt weed had ample space to spread and
grow without let or hindrance.
As long as Mr. Abel remained in F----, I maintained the reputation I had
acquired; and long after he left us, I was a regular church-goer, and
prosecuted my studies both at home and abroad. At that time my personal
appearance was greatly in my favour; and I was vain of my natural
advantages. I loved to dress better, and appear as if I belonged to a
higher grade than my village associates. This could not be done without
involving considerable expense. I kept a handsome horse, and carried a
handsome gun; and I flattered myself, that when dressed in my green
velvet shooting jacket, white cords, top boots, and with my hunting cap
placed jauntily on my head, I was as handsome and gentlemanly-looking a
young fellow as could be found in that part of the country.
I had just completed my twenty-third year when Miss Ella made her
appearance once more at the hall. She was no longer a pretty child, but
had grown into a lovely and accomplished woman. A feeling of despair
mingled with my admiration when she rode past me in the park,
accompanied by a young gentleman and an elderly lady.
The gentleman was a younger brother, who afterwards died in India; the
lady was her mother. Miss Ella was mounted on a spirited horse, which
she sat to perfection, her nobly proportioned figure displayed to the
best advantage by her elegant and closely fitting dark blue riding
habit.
After they passed me, the elderly lady bent forward from her horse and
said to her daughter, loud enough for me to hear. "Ella, who is that
handsome young man?--he looks a gentleman."
"Far from that, Mamma," returned the young lady saucily. "It is my
uncle's gamekeeper, Noah Cotton. The lad I once told you about. He is
grown very handsome. But what a name, Noah," and she laughed--such a
merry mocking laugh. "It is enough to drown any pretensions to good
looks."
"How came you to know the man, Ella?" said her brother gravely.
"Oh, George, you know Uncle is not over particular. An aristocrat with
regard to his game, and any infringement on his rights on that score,
but a perfect democrat in his familiarity with his domestics and
tenants. He used to send for this Noah to play with us during the
holidays. He was a beautiful, curly-headed lad; and we treated him with
too much condescension, but it was Uncle's fault;--he should have known
that the boy was no companion for young people in our rank. This saucy,
spoilt boy, had not only the impudence to fall in love with me, but to
tell me so to my face."
"The scoundrel!" muttered the young man.
"Of course I never spoke to him again. I complained to Uncle, and he
only treated it as a joke. It is a pity," she added, in a less boastful
and haughty tone, "that he is not a gentleman: he is a handsome,
noble-looking peasant."
They rode out of hearing, leaving me rooted to the spot. The sudden turn
in the path had hidden me from their observation, and brought them and
the theme of their conversation too terribly near.
Miss Ella's description of me cut into my heart, and stung me like an
adder. I pressed my hand upon my burning brain,--upon my aching heart, I
tried to tear her image from both. Vain effort! Passion had done its
work effectually. The limning of years could not be effaced by the
desecrating power of mortified vanity.
I saw her many times during that visit to the Hall; but, beyond raising
my cap respectfully when she passed me, no word of recognition ever
escaped from my lips. Once or twice I thought, from her manner, and the
earnest way in which she regarded me, that she almost wished me to speak
to her.
Her horse ran away with her one morning in the park, and she lost her
seat, but received no serious injury. I caught the animal, and helped
her to remount. Our eyes met, and she blushed very deeply, and her hand
trembled as it lay for a moment in mine. Trifling as these circumstances
were, they gave birth at the time to the most extravagant hopes, which
filled me with a sort of ecstasy. I almost fancied that she loved
me,--she, the proud, highborn, beautiful lady. Alas! I knew little of
the coquetry of woman's nature, or that a girl of her rank and fortune
would condescend to notice a poor lad like me, to gratify her own vanity
and love of admiration.
I went home intoxicated with delight; and that night I dreamt I found a
vast sum of gold beneath a pine-tree in one of the plantations, and that
Ella Carlos had consented to become my wife. My vision of happiness was,
however, doomed to fade. The next day Mrs. Carlos and her son and
daughter left the Hall, and I did not see her again before she went.
For weeks after their departure I moped about in a listless, dispirited
manner, loathing my menial occupation, and despising the low origin
which formed an insurmountable barrier between me and the beautiful
mistress of my heart.
I was soon roused from these unprofitable speculations, and called to
take an active part in the common duties of my every-day life. Some
desperadoes had broken into the preserves, and carried off a large
quantity of game. Mr. Carlos vowed vengeance on the depredators, and
reprimanded me severely for my neglect.
This galled my pride, and made me return with double diligence to my
business. After watching for a few nights, I had every reason to believe
that the poacher was no other than my old enemy. Bill Martin, after an
absence of several years in America, had suddenly reappeared in the
village, and was constantly seen at the public-house, in the company of
a set of worthless, desperate characters. He had sunk into the low
blackguard, and manifested his hatred to me by insulting me on all
occasions. My dislike to this ruffian was too deep to find vent in
words. I was always brooding over his injurious conduct, and planning
schemes of vengeance.
One day, in going through the plantations, I picked up a large American
bowie-knife, with Bill Martin's name engraved upon the handle. This I
carefully laid by, hoping that it might prove useful on some future
occasion. Meanwhile, the game was nightly thinned; and the caution and
dexterity with which the poachers acted, baffled me and my colleagues in
all our endeavours to surprise them in the act.