ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT,
EXTRACTED FROM the DIARY of TOBY M.P.
_House of Commons, Tuesday, February 11._--"Rather slow this," said
Commandant (of the Yeomanry Cavalry) Lord BROOKE to Admiral (in black
velvet suit, with silver buckles) ROYDEN.
They were locked up in a room adjoining OLD MORALITY'S private
apartment, at back of SPEAKER's chair. Both dressed in warlike
costumes, both uniforms new, unaccustomed, and uncomfortable. Both
warriors had waked in the morning full of joy and proud anticipation.
"If you're waking call me early," Quartermaster-General Lord BROOKE
had said to his man; "this is the happiest day of all the bright new
year; for I'm to Second the Address. Yes, I'm to Second the Address."
Captain ROYDEN had made a remark of a similar purport to his body
servant, though he had kept more closely to prose. Now here they were
locked in, with a glass of sherry wine and a sponge cake, waiting for
the signal that might never come. Ordinary course on opening night of
Session is, for SPEAKER to take Chair; Notices of Motion to be worked
off; Queen's Speech read; then Mover and Seconder of Address march
into seats immediately behind Ministers, especially kept for them;
dexterously dodge tendency of sword to get between their knees; sit
down with the consciousness that they are the cynosure of every eye,
including those of JOSEPH GILLIS, regarding them across House through
horn-bound spectacles. To-day everything upside down. Instead of
moving the Address, HARCOURT on with question of Privilege--HARCOURT,
a plain man, in civilian costume! Worst of it was, they could not go
away and change their clothes. No one knows what may happen from hour
to hour in House of Commons; debate on Privilege might break down;
Address brought on, and what would happen to British Constitution if
Mover and Seconder were dragged in in their dressing-gowns?
"Dem'd dull," said Captain of Yeomanry Cavalry Lord BROOKE, toying
with his sword-tassel.
"Trenormous!" yawned Bosun's Mate ROYDEN, loosening his belt, for he
had been beguiled into taking another sponge-cake. "If they'd only let
us walk about the corridors, or lounge in the House, it would be
better. But to sit cooped up here is terrible. Worst of it is I've
conned my speech over so often, got it mixed up; end turning up in
middle; exordium marching in with rear-guard; was just right to go off
at half-past six; now it's eight, and we won't be off duty till
twelve."
Vice-Admiral ROYDEN feebly hitched up his trousers; sadly sipped his
sherry wine, and deep silence fell on the forlorn company.
No one in crowded House thought of these miserable men. HARCOURT made
his speech; GORST demonstrated that Motion was indefensible, being
both too late and too soon; the Mouse came and went amid a spasm of
thrilled interest; GLADSTONE delivered oration in dinner-hour; PARNELL
fired up at midnight; House divided, and SPEAKER left the Chair. Then
was heard the rattling of keys in the door by OLD MORALITY's room; two
limp warriors were led forth; conducted to four-wheel cab; delivered
at their own doorways, to spend night in pleased reflection on the
distinction of Moving and Seconding the Address.
[Illustration: "Ridiculus Mus," the New Member.]
_Business done._--Charge of Breach of Privilege against _Times_,
negatived by 260 Votes against 212.
_Wednesday._--House met at Noon as usual on Wednesdays; the two men of
war in their places in full uniform, which looked a little creased as
if they had slept in it. The eye that has sternly reviewed the
Warwickshire Yeomanry Cavalry, lacks something of its wonted
brightness; whilst ROYDEN's black velvet suit sets off the added
pallor of a countenance that tells of sleepless vigil.
House nearly empty; Members won't turn up at Noon even to hear the
thrilling eloquence clothing the original thoughts of the Mover and
Seconder of the Address. Amid the dreary space the stalwart figure of
GEORGE HAWKESWORTH BOND, Member for the East Division of Dorset,
stands forth like a monument. Curious to see how BOND avoids vicinity
of Cross Benches. Was standing there in contemplative attitude last
night, whilst GORST was demonstrating that HARCOURT's Motion on Breach
of Privilege was, (1) too late, and (2) that it was too soon. It was
at this moment that the Mouse appeared on the scene, leisurely
strolling down floor apparently going to join the majority. A
view-halloa started him; doubled and made for Cross Benches; BOND,
awakened out of reverie by the shout, looked down and saw the strange
apparition. Never believed a man of his weight could get so high up
into the air by sudden swift gyration. Mouse, more frightened even
than the man, dodged round the Benches and disappeared. "All very
well once in a way," said BOND this afternoon, sinking into a seat far
removed from the Cross Benches; "but it is foolish unnecessarily to
court danger; won't catch _me_ standing at the bar any more when GORST
is orating."
[Illustration: Before the Mouse came.]
And his word is as good as his Bond.
After Mover and Seconder had completed their story, Grand Old Man
appeared at the table, and talked for nearly an hour. Few to listen,
but that no matter. A rapt auditor in OLD MORALITY, sitting forward
with hands on knees, eyes reverently fixed on orator, drinking in his
honeyed words. Something paternal in his attitude towards Ministers.
Here and there they had done not quite the right thing. The MARKISS,
in particular, had been particularly harsh to Portugal; but, on the
whole, things might have been worse.
"Bless you, my children; bless you!" were the last words of the Grand
Old Man as he stretched forth his hands across the table. Not a dry
eye on the Treasury Bench. OLD MORALITY deeply touched, but through
his sobs managed to make acknowledgment of the unexpected clemency.
_Business done._--Address Moved.
_Thursday._--The languor in which House steeped since Debate on
Address opened, not varied to-night till, at ten o'clock, copies of
Report of Parnell Commission brought to Vote Office. Then such a
scrimmage as never before seen.
[Illustration: Fight for the Report of the Royal Commission.]
At re-opening of Debate, HOWORTH started off with reference to
Portugal. Immediately Members, with one consent, went forth,
discovering that they had special business in the Lobby, the Library,
the Tea-room, anywhere out of the House. The SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE's GATE
had not even waited for resumption of Debate to quit the scene; was
comfortably ensconsed in Smoking-room, distilling words of wisdom to
listening circle. Someone dropping in, accidentally mentioned that
HOWORTH had brought on Portugal business. SAGE jumped up nearly as
high as BOND when he saw the Mouse. Had an Amendment on the paper
referring to Portugal; had prepared a few paragraphs elucidating it.
If opportunity missed, speech would be lost. So bolted off; arrived
just in time to follow HOWORTH. Whilst discoursing, Our Latest Duke
came in, fresh from the pageant of his installation in House of Lords.
Seated in Peers' Gallery, toying with his walking-stick, thinking no
evil, started to hear his name mentioned. SAGE's quick eye had caught
sight of him.
"Halloa!" said the SAGE to himself, "here's a Duke; let's throw arf a
brick at him!"
So, with innocent manner and pretty assumption of ignorance of the
presence in Peers' Gallery of the highly favoured young gentleman with
the walking-stick, the SAGE traced all the evils of Central Africa,
leading directly up to the quarrel with Portugal, to the action of the
British South Africa Company, of which the Duke of FIFE, he said, was
a Promoter and Director.
"Very odd thing that, TOBY," said the Duke, under his breath, as he
left the Gallery on tip-toe; "most remarkable coincidence; odds seemed
to be a thousand to one against it; and yet it came off. Don't look
into Peers' Gallery twice a year; yet on very night I happened to be
there for five minutes, LABBY on his legs and talking about ME!"
_Business done._--Debate on Address.
_Friday._--A dull night, uplifted, at outset, by powerful speech
from PARNELL, and, towards finish, by Colonel SAUNDERSON riding
in, and slashing off heads all round. After him came SHEEHY.
Splendid fellow, SHEEHY; must see more of him.
"What you want is blood!" SHEEHY shouted across the House
at BALFOUR, lounging, dull and depressed, on Treasury Bench;
"I repeat the phrase--Blood!"
"Blood," said SAUNDERSON, carelessly passing his hand through
the black locks that crown his lofty brow, "is not exactly a phrase.
Besides, after eight hours of this, a cup of black coffee would be
more in BALFOUR'S way. But a good deal must be conceded to
SHEEHY. What a nation we are for genders! We had an O'SHEA,
we have an O'HEA; and here's a SHEE-HE. I have occasional
differences with some of my countrymen; but I am proud of my
country."
_Business done._--Debate on Address.
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[Illustration: "IN KIND."]
_Country Editor's Wife._ "OH, JOHN DEAR! SOMEBODY'S SENT US SUCH A
SPLENDID SALMON!"
_Editor_ (_after a moment's thought_). "AH, YES--I KNOW--AND CHEAP
TOO! ON'Y HALF A COLUMN!"
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