This _Romance_ was, by some Mischance or other, dropp’d in the
_Minster-Yard, York_, and pick’d up by a Member of a small Political
Club in that City; where it was carried, and publickly read to the
Members the last Club Night.
It was instantly agreed to, by a great Majority, That it was a
_Political Romance;_ but concerning what State or Potentate, could not
so easily be settled amongst them.
The President of the Night, who is thought to be as clear and
quick-lighted as any one of the whole Club in Things of this Nature,
discovered plainly, That the Disturbances therein set forth, related to
those on the _Continent:_—That _Trim_ could be Nobody but the King of
_France_, by whole shifting and intriguing Behaviour, all _Europe_ was
set together by the Ears:—That _Trim_’s Wife was certainly the
_Empress_, who are as kind together, says he, as any Man and Wife can
be for their Lives.—The more Shame for ’em, says an Alderman, low to
himself.—Agreeable to this Key, continues the President,—The _Parson_,
who I think is a most excellent Character,—is His Most Excellent
Majesty King _George;_—_John_, the Parish-Clerk, is the King of
_Prussia;_ who, by the Manner of his first entering _Saxony_, shew’d
the World most evidently,—That he did know how to lead out the Psalm,
and in Tune and Time too, notwithstanding _Trim_’s vile Insult upon him
in that Particular.—But who do you think, says a Surgeon and
Man-Midwife, who sat next him, (whose Coat-Button the President, in the
Earnestness of this Explanation, had got fast hold of, and had thereby
partly drawn him over to his Opinion) Who do you think, Mr. President,
says he, are meant by the _Church-Wardens, Sides-Men, Mark Slender,
Lorry Slim, &c._—Who do I think? says he, Why,—Why, Sir, as I take the
Thing,—the _Church-Wardens_ and _Sides-Men_, are the _Electors_ and the
other _Princes_ who form the _Germanick Body_.—And as for the other
subordinate Characters of _Mark Slim?_—the _unlucky Wight_ in the Plush
Breeches,—the _Parson’s Man_ who was so often out of the Way, &c.
&c.—these, to be sure, are the several _Marshals_ and _Generals_, who
fought, or should have fought, under them the last Campaign.—The Men in
_Buckram_, continued the President, are the Grofs of the King of
_Prussia_’s Army, who are as _stiff_ a Body of Men as are in the
World:—And _Trim_’s saying they were twelve, and then nineteen, is a
Wipe for the _Brussels Gazetteer_, who, to my Knowledge, was never two
Weeks in the same Story, about that or any thing else.
As for the rest of the _Romance_, continued the President, it
sufficiently explains itself,—The
_Old-cast-Pair-of-Black-Plush-Breeches_ must be _Saxony_, which the
_Elector_, you see, _has left of wearing:_—And as for the _Great
Watch-Coat_, which, you know, covers all, it signifies all _Europe;_
comprehending, at least, so many of its different States and Dominions,
as we have any Concern with in the present War.
I protest, says a Gentleman who sat next but one to the President, and
who, it seems, was the Parson of the Parish, a Member not only of the
Political, but also of a Musical Club in the next Street;—I protest,
says he, if this Explanation is right, which I think it is, That the
whole makes a very fine Symbol.—You have always some Musical Instrument
or other in your Head, I think, says the Alderman.—Musical instrument!
replies the Parson, in Astonishment,—Mr. Alderman, I mean an Allegory;
and I think the greedy Disposition of _Trim_ and his Wife, in ripping
the _Great Watch-Coat_ to Pieces, in order to convert it into a
Petticoat for the one, and a Jerkin for the other, is one of the most
beautiful of the Kind I ever met with; and will shew all the World what
have been the true Views and Intentions of the Houses of _Bourbon_ and
_Austria_ in this abominable Coalition,—I might have called it
Whoredom:—Nay, says the Alderman, ’tis downright Adulterydom, or
nothing.
This Hypothesis of the President’s explain’d every Thing in the
_Romance_ extreamly well; and, withall, was delivered with so much
Readiness and Air of Certainty, as begot an Opinion in two Thirds of
the Club, that Mr. President was actually the Author of the _Romance_
himself: But a Gentleman who sat on the opposite Side of the Table, who
had come piping-hot from reading the History of King _William_’s and
Queen _Anne_’s Wars, and who was thought, at the Bottom, to envy the
President the Honour both of the _Romance_ and Explanation too, gave an
entire new Turn to it all. He acquainted the Club, That Mr. President
was altogether wrong in every Supposition he had made, except that one,
where the _Great Watch-Coat_ was said by him to represent _Europe_, or
at least a great Part of it:—So far he acknowledged he was pretty
right; but that he had not gone far enough backwards into our History
to come at the Truth. He then acquainted them, that the dividing the
_Great Watch-Coat_ did, and could, allude to nothing else in the World
but the _Partition-Treaty;_ which, by the Bye, he told them, was the
most unhappy and scandalous Transaction in all King _William_’s Life:
It was that false Step, and that only, says he, rising from his Chair,
and striking his Hand upon the Table with great Violence; it was that
false Step, says he, knitting his Brows and throwing his Pipe down upon
the Ground, that has laid the Foundation of all the Disturbances and
Sorrows we feel and lament at this very Hour; and as for _Trim_’s
giving up the _Breeches_, look ye, it is almost Word for Word copied
from the _French_ King and _Dauphin_’s Renunciation of _Spain_ and the
_West-Indies_, which all the World knew (as was the very Case of the
_Breeches_) were renounced by them on purpose to be reclaim’d when Time
should serve.
This Explanation had too much Ingenuity in it to be altogether
slighted; and, in Truth, the worst Fault it had, seem’d to be the
prodigious Heat of it; which (as an Apothecary, who sat next the Fire,
observ’d, in a very low Whisper to his next Neighbour) was so much
incorporated into every Particle of it, that it was impossible, under
such Fermentation, it should work its defined Effect.
This, however, no way intimidated a little valiant Gentleman, though he
sat the very next Man, from giving an Opinion as diametrically opposite
as _East_ is from _West_.
This Gentleman, who was by much the best Geographer in the whole Club,
and, moreover, second Cousin to an Engineer, was positive the
_Breeches_ meant _Gibraltar;_ for, if you remember, Gentlemen, says he,
tho’ possibly you don’t, the Ichnography and Plan of that Town and
Fortress, it exactly resembles a Pair of Trunk-Hose, the two
Promontories forming the two Slops, &c. &c.—Now we all know, continued
he, that King _George_ the First made a Promise of that important Pass
to the King of _Spain:_—So that the whole Drift of the _Romance_,
according to my Sense of Things, is merely to vindicate the King and
the Parliament in that Transaction, which made so much Noise in the
World.
A Wholesale Taylor, who from the Beginning had resolved not to speak at
all in the Debate,—was at last drawn into it, by something very
unexpected in the last Person’s Argument.
He told the Company, frankly, he did not understand what _Ichnography_
meant:—But as for the Shape of a _Pair of Breeches_, as he had had the
Advantage of cutting out so many hundred Pairs in his Life-Time, he
hoped he might be allowed to know as much of the Matter as another Man.
Now, to my Mind, says he, there is nothing in all the Terraqueous Globe
(a Map of which, it seems, hung up in his Work-Shop) so like a _Pair of
Breeches_ unmade up, as the Island of _Sicily:_—Nor is there any thing,
if you go to that, quoth an honest Shoe-maker, who had the Honour to be
a Member of the Club, so much like a _Jack-Boot_, to my Fancy, as the
Kingdom of _Italy_.—What the Duce has either _Italy_ or _Sicily_ to do
in the Affair? cries the President, who, by this Time, began to tremble
for his Hypothesis,—What have they to do?—Why, answered the
_Partition-Treaty_ Gentleman, with great Spirit and Joy sparkling in
his Eyes,—They have just so much, Sir, to do in the Debate as to
overthrow your Suppositions, and to establish the Certainty of mine
beyond the Possibility of a Doubt: For, says he, (with an Air of
Sovereign Triumph over the President’s Politicks)—By the
_Partition-Treaty_, Sir, both _Naples_ and _Sicily_ were the very
Kingdoms made to devolve upon the _Dauphin;_—and _Trim_’s _greasing the
Parson’s Boots_, is a Devilish Satyrical Stroke;—for it exposes the
Corruption, and Bribery made Use of at that Juncture, in bringing over
the several States and Princes of _Italy_ to use their Interests at
_Rome_, to stop the Pope from giving the Investitures of those Kingdoms
to any Body else.—The Pope has not the Investiture of _Sicily_, cries
another Gentleman.—I care not, says he, for that.
Almost every one apprehended the Debate to be now ended, and that no
one Member would venture any new Conjecture upon the _Romance_, after
so many clear and decisive Interpretations had been given. But,
hold,—Close to the Fire, and opposite to where the Apothecary sat,
there sat also a Gentleman of the Law, who, from the Beginning to the
End of the Hearing of this Case, seem’d no way satisfied in his
Conscience with any one Proceeding in it. This Gentleman had not yet
opened his Mouth, but had waited patiently till they had all gone thro’
their several Evidences on the other Side;—reserving himself, like an
expert Practitioner, for the last Word in the Debate. When the
_Partition-Treaty_-Gentleman had finish’d what he had to say,—He got
up,—and, advancing towards the Table, told them, That the Error they
had all gone upon thus far, in making out the several Facts in the
_Romance_,—was in looking too high; which, with great Candor, he said,
was a very natural Thing, and very excusable withall, in such a
Political Club as theirs: For Instance, continues he, you have been
searching the _Registers_, and looking into the _Deeds_ of _Kings_ and
_Emperors_,—as if Nobody had any _Deeds_ to shew or compare the
_Romance_ to but themselves.—This, continued the Attorney, is just as
much out of the Way of good Practice, as if I should carry a Thing
slap-dash into the House of Lords, which was under forty Shillings, and
might be decided in the next County-Court for six Shillings and
Eight-pence.—He then took the _Romance_ in his Left Hand, and pointing
with the Fore-Finger of his Right towards the second Page, he humbly
begg’d Leave to observe, (and, to do him Justice, he did it in somewhat
of a _forensic Air_) That the _Parson, John_, and _Sexton_, shewed
incontestably the Thing to be _Tripartite;_ now, if you will take
Notice, Gentlemen, says he, these several Persons, who are Parties to
this Instrument, are merely Ecclesiastical; that the _Reading-Desk,
Pulpit-Cloth_, and _Velvet Cushion_, are tripartite too; and are, by
Intendment of Law, Goods and Chattles merely of an Ecclesiastick
Nature, belonging and appertaining ‘only unto them,’ _and to them
only_.—So that it appears very plain to me, That the _Romance_, neither
directly nor indirectly, goes upon Temporal, but altogether upon
Church-Matters.—And do not you think, says he, softening his Voice a
little, and addressing himself to the Parson with a forced Smile,—Do
not you think Doctor, says he, That the Dispute in the _Romance_,
between the _Parson_ of the Parish and _John_, about the Height of
_John_’s Desk, is a very fine Panegyrick upon the _Humility of
Church-Men?_—I think, says the Parson, it is much of the same Fineness
with that which your Profession is complimented with, in the pimping,
dirty, pettyfogging Character of _Trim_,—which, in my Opinion, Sir, is
just such another Panegyrick upon the _Honesty_ of _Attornies_.
Nothing whets the Spirits like an Insult:—Therefore the Parson went on
with a visible Superiority and an uncommon Acuteness.—As you are so
happy, Sir, continues he, in making Applications,—pray turn over a Page
or two to the black Law-Letters in the _Romance_.—What do you think of
them, Sir?—Nay,—pray read the Grant of the _Great Watch-Coat_ and
_Trim_’s Renunciation of the _Breeches_.—Why, there is downright Lease
and Release for you,—’tis the very Thing, Man;—only with this small
Difference,—and in which consists the whole Strength of the Panegyric,
That the Author of the _Romance_ has convey’d and re-convey’d, in about
ten Lines, —what you, with the glorious Prolixity of the Law, could not
have crowded into as many Skins of Parchment.
The Apothecary, who had paid the Attorney, the same Afternoon, a Demand
of Three Pounds Six Shillings and Eight-Pence, for much such another
Jobb,—was so highly tickled with the Parson’s Repartee in that
particular Point,—that he rubb’d his Hands together most fervently,—and
laugh’d most triumphantly thereupon.
This could not escape the Attorney’s Notice, any more than the Cause of
it did escape his Penetration.
I think, Sir, says he, (dropping his Voice a Third) you might well have
spared this immoderate Mirth, since you and your Profession have the
least Reason to triumph here of any of us.—I beg, quoth he, that you
would reflect a Moment upon the _Cob-Web_ which _Trim_ went so far for,
and brought back with an Air of so much Importance, in his Breeches
Pocket, to lay upon the Parson’s cut Finger.—This said Cob-Web, Sir, is
a fine-spun Satyre, upon the flimsy Nature of one Half of the
Shop-Medicines, with which you make a Property of the Sick, the
Ignorant, and the Unsuspecting.—And as for the Moral of the
_Close-Stool-Pan_, Sir, ’tis too plain, Does not nine Parts in ten of
the whole Practice, and of all you vend under _its Colours_, pass into
and concenter in that one nasty Utensil?—And let me tell you, Sir, says
he, raising his Voice,—had not your unseasonable Mirth blinded you, you
might have seen that _Trim_’s carrying the Close-Stool-Pan upon his
Head the whole Length of the Town, without blushing, is a pointed
Raillery,—and one of the sharpest Sarcasms, Sir, that ever was thrown
out upon you;—for it unveils the solemn Impudence of the whole
Profession, who, I see, are ashamed of nothing which brings in Money.
There were two Apothecaries in the Club, besides the Surgeon mentioned
before, with a Chemist and an Undertaker, who all felt themselves
equally hurt and aggrieved by this discourteous Retort:—And they were
all five rising up together from their Chairs, with full Intent of
Heart, as it was thought, to return the _Reproof Valiant_
thereupon.—But the President, fearing it would end in a general
Engagement, he instantly call’d out, _To Order;_—and gave Notice, That
if there was any Member in the Club, who had not yet spoke, and yet did
desire to speak upon the main Subject of the Debate,—that he should
immediately be heard.
This was a happy Invitation for a stammering Member, who, it seems, had
but a weak Voice at the best; and having often attempted to speak in
the Debate, but to no Purpose, had sat down in utter Despair of an
Opportunity.
This Member, you must know, had got a sad Crush upon his Hip, in the
late _Election_, which gave him intolerable Anguish;—so that, in short,
he could think of nothing else:—For which Cause, and others, he was
strongly of Opinion, That the whole _Romance_ was a just Gird at the
late _York_ Election; and I think, says he, that the _Promise_ of the
_Breeches_ broke, may well and truly signify _Somebody’s else Promise_,
which was broke, and occasion’d to much Disturbance amongst us.
Thus every Man turn’d the Story to what was swimming uppermost in his
own Brain;—so that, before all was over, there were full as many
Satyres spun out of it,—and as great a Variety of Personages, Opinions,
Transactions, and Truths, found to lay hid under the dark Veil of its
Allegory, as ever were discovered in the thrice-renowned History of the
Acts of _Gargantua_ and _Pantagruel_.
At the Close of all, and just before the Club was going to break
up,—Mr. President rose from his Chair, and begg’d Leave to make the two
following Motions, which were instantly agreed to, without any
Division.
_First_, Gentlemen, says he, as _Trim_’s Character in the Romance, of a
shuffling intriguing Fellow,—whoever it was drawn for, is, in Truth, as
like the _French King_ as it can stare,—I move, That the _Romance_ be
forthwith _printed:_—For, continues he, if we can but once turn the
Laugh against him, and make him asham’d of what he has done, it may be
a great Means, with the Blessing of God upon our Fleets and Armies, to
save the Liberties of _Europe_.
In the _second_ Place, I move, That Mr. Attorney, our worthy Member, be
desired to take Minutes, upon the Spot, of every Conjecture which has
been made upon the _Romance_, by the several Members who have spoke;
which, I think, says he, will answer two good Ends:
1st, It will establish the Political Knowledge of our Club for ever,
and place it in a respectable Light to all the World.
In the _next_ Place, it will furnish what will be wanted; that is, a
_Key_ to the _Romance_.—In troth you might have said a whole Bunch of
_Keys_, quoth a Whitesmith, who was the only Member in the Club who had
not said something in the Debate: But let me tell you, Mr. President,
says he, That the _Right Key_, if it could but be found, would be worth
the whole Bunch put together.
To —— ——, Esq;
_of_ York.