THE MAD JEST
Let us leave the happy ones to rejoice.
Let us follow that other youth, in whom all that sweet strength for
action, which might have brought a mutually-loving heart into the
ecstasy of happiness, had changed into a bitter passion, capable of
driving a mutually-hating soul to destruction.
It was evening when he reached Lankadomb.
Topandy was already very impatient. Czipra informed him she would not
give Lorand even time to rest himself, but took him at once with her to
the laboratory, where they had been wont to be together, to study alone
the mysteries of mankind and nature.
The old fellow seemed to be in an extraordinarily good humor, which in
his case was generally a sign of excitement.
"Well, my dear boy," he said, "I have succeeded in getting myself
tangled up in a mess. I will explain it to you. I have always desired to
make the acquaintance of the county prison by reason of some meritorious
stupidity; so finally I have committed something which will aid my
purpose."
"Indeed?"
"Yes, indeed:--for two years at least. Ha ha! I have perpetrated such a
mad jest that I am myself entirely contented. Of course they will
imprison me, but that does not matter."
"What have you done now, uncle?"
"Just listen, it is a long story. First I must begin by saying that
Melanie is already married."
"So much the better."
"I only hope it is for her--for me it is. But it is the turning-point
of my fate too: so just listen to the end, to all the little trifling
incidents of the tale--as Mistress Boris related them to Czipra, and
Czipra to me. They all belong to the complete picture."
"I am all ears," said Lorand, sitting down, and determining to show a
very indifferent face when they related before him the tale of Melanie's
marriage.
"Well, after you left here, they knowing nothing of your departure,
Madame Balnokhazy said to her daughter: 'Just for mere obstinacy's sake
you must marry Gyali: let these men see how much we care for their
fables!'--therewith she wrote a letter herself to Gyali to come back
immediately to Lankadomb, and show himself: they were awaiting him with
open arms. He must not be afraid of the brothers Aronffy. He must look
into their faces as behooved a man of dignity. To provide against any
possible insults, he must protect himself with a couple of
pocket-pistols: such things he must always carry in his pocket, to
display beneath the nose of anyone who attempted to frighten him with
his gigantic stature!--Gyali shortly appeared in the village again, and
very ostentatiously drove up and down before my window, driving the
horses himself with the ladies sitting behind, as if he hoped to take
the greatest revenge upon me in this way. I merely said: 'If you are
satisfied with him, it is nothing to me.' It seems that in the world of
to-day the ladies like the man, upon whom others have spat, whom others
have insulted and kicked out!--they know all--well, I had no wish to
quarrel with their taste.
"I determined just for that reason not to do anything mad. I would be
clever. I would look down upon the world's madness with contemplative
philosophy, and merely carry out the clever jest of annulling my
previous will in which I had made Melanie my heiress, and which had been
stored away in the county archive room, making another which I shall
keep here at home, in which not a single mention is made of my niece.
"The wedding was solemnized with great pomp.
"Sarvoelgyi did not complain of the expense incurred. He thought to
revenge himself on me. He collected all the friends he could from the
vicinity: I too received a lithographed invitation. Look at that!"
Topandy took the vellum from his pocket-book and handed it to Lorand.
DEAR MR. TOPANDY:
It will give me great pleasure if you and your nephew Lorand
Aronffy will accept our invitation to the wedding of my daughter
Melanie and Joseph Gyali, at Mr. Sarvoelgyi's house.
EMILIA BALNOKHAZY.
"Keep half for yourself."
"Thanks: I don't want even the whole."
"Well, it just happened to be Sunday. Sarvoelgyi chose that day, because
it would cost so much less to array the village folk in holiday garb. He
had the bells rung, so did the Vicar: every window and door was full of
curious on-lookers. I too took my seat on the verandah to see the sight.
"The long line of carriages started. First the bridegroom with
Sarvoelgyi, after them the bride, dressed in a white lawn robe, and
wearing, if I am not mistaken, many theatrical jewels."
Lorand interrupted impatiently:
"You evidently think, uncle, that I shall write all this for some
fashion-paper, as you are telling me in such detail about the costumes."
"I have learned it from English novel-writers: if a man wants to
convince his hearers that something is true history and no fable, he
must describe externals in detail, that they may see what an eye-witness
he was.--Well, I shall leave out all description of the horses'
trappings.
"As the long convoy proceeded up the street, a carriage drawn by four
horses clattered up from the opposite end, a county court official
beside the coachman, behind, two gentlemen, one lean, the other
thickset.
"When this equipage met the wedding procession, the lean gentleman
stopped his carriage and called out to Sarvoelgyi's coachman to bring his
coach to a standstill.
"The lean man leaped down from his carriage, the stout man after him,
the official following them, and stepped up to the bridegroom.
"'Are you Joseph Gyali?' inquired the lean man, without any prefix.
"'I am,' he said, looking at the dust-covered man with angry hauteur,
not comprehending by what right anyone could dare to stop him at such a
time and to address him so curtly.
"But the lean man seized the door of the carriage and said to the
bridegroom:
"'Well, sir, have you any soul?'
"Our dear friend could not comprehend what new form of greeting it was,
to ask a man on the road whether he had a soul.
"But the lean man seemed to wish to know that at any cost.
"'Sir, have you any soul?'
"'What?'
"Have you any soul, that you can lead an innocent maiden to the altar,
in the position in which you are?'
"'Who are you? And how dare you to address me?'
"'I am Miklos Daruszegi, county court magistrate, and have come to
arrest you, in consequence of a proclamation of the High Court of
Justice in Vienna, which has sent us instructions to arrest you wherever
you may be found on the charge of several forgeries and deceits, _in
flagrante_, and not to accept bail!'
"'But, sir--!'
"'There is no chance for resistance. You knew already in Vienna to what
charge you were liable, and you came directly to Hungary in the hope
that if you could ally yourself with some propertied lady, your
honorable person might be defended, thus practising fresh deceit against
others. And now again I ask you, whether you have the soul to wish, on
the prison's threshold, to drag an innocent maiden with you?'"
"Poor Melanie!"--whispered Lorand.
"Poor Melanie naturally fainted, and the poor P. C.'s widow was beside
herself with rage: poor Sarvoelgyi wept like a child: all the guests
fled back to the house, and the bridegroom was compelled to descend from
the bridal coach, and take his place in the magistrate's muddy chaise,
still wearing his costume covered with decorations: they supplied him
with a rug, it is true, to cover himself with, but the heron-plumed hat
remained on his head for the public wonder.
"I truly sympathised with the poor creatures! Still it seems I have
survived that pain too.--If only it had not happened in the street!
Before the eyes of so many men! If I at least had not seen it! If only I
might give a romantic version of the catastrophe. But such a prosaic
ending! A bridegroom arrested for the forgery of documents at the church
door!--His tragedy is surely over!"
"But according to that, Melanie did not become his wife?" said Lorand.
"Melanie has not been married at all."
Topandy shook his head.
"You are an impatient audience, nephew. Still I shall not hurry the
performance. You must wait till I send a glass of absinthe down my
throat, for my stomach turns at the very thought of what I am about to
relate."
And he was not joking: he looked among the many chemicals for the bottle
bearing the label "absynthium," and drank a small glass of it. Then he
poured one out for Lorand.
"You must drink too."
"I could not drink it, uncle," said Lorand, full of other thoughts.
"But drink this glass, I tell you: until you do I shall not continue.
What I am going to say is strong poison, and this is the antidote."
So Lorand drank, that he might hear what happened.
"Well, my dear boy. You must dispense with the idea that Melanie is not
a wife: Melanie two days ago married--Sarvoelgyi!"
"Oh, that is only a jest!" exclaimed Lorand incredulously.
"Of course it is a jest: only a very mad one. Who could take such
things seriously? Sarvoelgyi was jesting when he said to Madame
Balnokhazy: 'Madame, there is a scandal--your daughter is neither a miss
nor a Mrs. She is burdened both by loss and contempt. You cannot appear
any more before the world after such a scandal. I have a good idea: we
are trying to agree now about a property; let us shake hands, and the
bargain's made, the property and the price of purchase remain in the
same hands.'--Madame Balnokhazy too was jesting when she said to her
daughter: 'My dear Melanie, we have fallen up to our necks in the mire,
we cannot be very particular about the hand that is to drag us out.
Lorand will never come back again, Gyali has deceived us; but only tit
for tat,--for we deceived him with that tale of the regained property in
which only one man believes,--honorable Sarvoelgyi. If you accept his
offer, you will be a lady of position, if not, you can come with me as a
wandering actress. We can take our revenge upon them, for they hate
Sarvoelgyi too. And after all Sarvoelgyi is a very pleasant fellow.'--And
surely Melanie was jesting when two days later she said to the priest
before the altar that in the whole world there was only one man whom she
could deem worthy of her love, and he was Sarvoelgyi.--I believe it was
all a jest--but so it happened."
Lorand covered his face with his hands.
"A jest indeed, a fine jest fit to stir one's blood," Topandy angrily
burst out. "That girl, whom I so loved, whom I treated as my child, who
was to me an image of what they call womanly purity, throws herself away
upon my most detested enemy, a loathsome corpse, whose body, soul, and
spirit had already decayed. Why if she had returned broken-hearted to
me, and said, 'I have erred,' I should have still received her with open
arms: she should not thus have prostituted the feeling which I held for
her.
"Oh, my friend, there is nothing more repulsive in this round world,
than a woman who can make herself thus loathed."
Lorand's silence gave assent to this sentence.
"And now follows the madness I committed.
"I said: if you jest, let me jest too. My house was at that moment full
of gay companions, who were helping me to curse. But what is the value
of curses? A mad idea occurred to me. I said: 'If you are holding a
marriage feast yonder, I shall hold one here.' You remember there was an
old mangled-eared ass, used by the shepherd to carry the hides of
slaughtered oxen, called by my servants, out of ridicule, Sarvoelgyi.
Then there was a beautiful thoroughbred colt, which Melanie chose
betimes to bear her name. I dressed the ass and foal up as bridegroom
and bride, one of the drunken revellers dressed as a 'monk' and at the
same time that Sarvoelgyi and Melanie went to their wedding, here, in my
courtyard, I parodied the holy ceremony in the persons of those two
animals."
Lorand was horror stricken.
"It was a mad idea: I acknowledge it," continued Topandy. "To ridicule
religious ceremonies! That will cost me two years at least in the county
prison: I shall not defend myself--I have deserved it. I shall put up
with it. I knew it when I carried out this raving jest--I knew what the
outcome would be. But if they had promised me all the good things that
lie between the guardian of the Northern Dog-star and the emerald wings
of the vine-dresser beetle, or if they had threatened me with all that
exists down to the middle of the earth, down to hell, I should have done
it, when once I had thought it out. I wanted a hellish revenge, and
there it was. How hellish it was you may imagine from the fact that the
jovial fellows at once sobered, disappeared from the house; and since
then one or two have written to beg me not to betray their presence here
on that occasion. I am only pleased you were not here then."
"And I am sorry I was not. Had I been, it would not have happened."
"Don't say that, my dear boy. Don't think too well of yourself. You
don't know what you would have felt, had you seen pass before you in a
carriage her whom we had idolized with him whom we detest so. It
destroyed my reason. And even now I feel a terrible void in my soul.
That girl occupied such a large place therein. I feel it is still more
painful for me that I perpetrated such a trivial jest in her name, in
her memory.--Still, it has happened and we cannot recall it. We have
begun the campaign of hatred, and don't know ourselves where it will
end. Now let us speak of other things. During my imprisonment you will
take over the farm and remain here."
"Yes."
"But you have still another difficult matter to get through first."
"I know."
"Oh dear no. Why do you always wish to discover my thoughts? You cannot
know of what I am thinking."
"Czipra...."
"That is not quite it. Though it did occur to me to ask how could I
leave a young man and a young girl here all alone. Yet in that matter I
have my own logic: the young man either has a heart or none at all. If
he has a heart, he will either keep his distance from the girl, or, if
he has loved her, he will not ask who her father and mother were or what
her dowry is. He will estimate her at her own value for her own self--a
faithful woman. If he has no heart, the girl must see to having more:
she must defend herself. If neither has a heart,--well a daily
occurrence will occur once more. Who has ever grieved over it? I have
nothing to say in the matter. He who knows himself to be an animal,
nothing more, is right: he who considers himself a higher being, a man,
a noble man, is right too: and he who wishes to be an angel, is only
vain. Whether you make the girl your mistress or your wife, is the
affair of you two: it all depends which category of the physical world
you desire to belong to. The one says, 'I, a male ass, wish to graze
with you, a female-ass, on thistles;' or, 'I, a man, wish to be your
god, woman, to care for you.' It is, as I say, a matter of taste and
ideas. I entrust it to you. But I have matter for serious anxiety here.
Have you not remarked that here, round Lankadomb, an enormous number of
robberies take place?"
"Perhaps not more than elsewhere: only we do not know about the
misfortunes of others."
"Oh, dear, no; our neighborhood is in reality the home of a far-reaching
robber-band, whose dealings I have long followed with great attention.
These marshes here around us afford excellent shelter to those who like
to avoid the world."
"That is so everywhere. Fugitive servants, marauding shepherds, bandits,
who visit country houses to ask a drink of wine, bacon and bread,--I
have met them often enough: I gave them from my purse as much as I
pleased, and they went on their way peacefully."
"Here we have to deal with quite a different lot. Czipra might know more
about it, if she chose to speak. That tent-dwelling army, out of whose
midst I took her to myself, is lurking around us, and is more malicious
than report says. They conceal their deeds splendidly, they are very
cunning and careful. They are not confined to human society, they can
winter among the reeds, and so are more difficult to get at than the
mounted highwaymen, who hasten to enjoy the goods they have purloined in
the inns. They have never dared to attack me at home, for they know I am
ready to receive them. Still, they have often indirectly laid me under
obligation. They have often robbed Czipra, when she went anywhere alone.
You were yourself a witness to one such event. I suspect that the
robber-chief who strove with Czipra in the inn was Czipra's own father."
"Heavens! I wonder if that can be so."
"Czipra always closed their mouths with a couple of hundred florins, and
then they remained quiet. Perhaps she threatened them in case they
annoyed me. It may be that up to the present they have not molested us
in order to please her. But it may be, too, that they have another
reason for making Lankadomb their centre of operations. Do you remember
that on the pistol you wrenched from that robber were engraved the arms
of Sarvoelgyi?"
"What are you hinting at, uncle?"
"I think Sarvoelgyi is the chieftain of the whole highwayman-band."
"What brought you to that idea?"
"The fact that he is such a pious man. Still, let us not go into that
now. The gist of the matter is, that I would like to relieve our
district of this suspicious guest, before I begin my long visit."
"How?"
"We must burn up that old hay-rick, of which I have said so many times
that it has inhabitants summer and winter."
"Do you think that will drive them from our neighborhood?"
"I am quite sure of it. This class is cowardly. They will soon turn out
of any place where war is declared against them: they only dare to brawl
as long as they find people are afraid of them: wolf-like they tear to
pieces only those they find defenceless: but one wisp of burning straw
will annihilate them. We must set the rick on fire."
"We could have done so already; but it is difficult to reach it, on
account of the old peat-quarries."
"Which our dangerous neighbors have covered with wolf traps, so that one
cannot approach the rick within rifle-shot."
"I often wished to go there, but you would not allow me."
"It would have been an unreasonable audacity. Those who dwell there
could shoot down, from secure hiding-places, any who approached it,
before the latter could do them any harm. I have a simpler plan: we two
shall take our seats in the punt, row down the dyke, and when we come
against the rick, we shall set it on fire with explosive bullets. The
rick is mine, no longer rented: all whom it may concern must seek
lodging elsewhere."
Lorand said it was a good plan: whatever Topandy desired he would agree
to. He might declare war against the bandits, for all he cared.
That evening, guided by moonlight, they poled their way to the centre of
the marsh: Lorand himself directed the shots, and was lucky enough to
lodge his first shell in the side of the rick. Soon the dry mass of hay
was flaming like a burning pyramid in the midst of the morass. The two
besiegers had reached home long before the blazing rick had time to
light up the district far. As they watched, all at once the flame
scattered, exploding millions of sparks up to heaven, and the fragments
of the burning rick were strewed on the water's surface by the wind.
Surely hidden gunpowder had caused that explosion.
At that moment no one was at home in this barbarous dwelling. Not a
single voice was heard during the burning, save the howling of the
terrified wolves round about.