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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 158.
June 30th, 1920.
CHARIVARIA.
Fewer births are recorded in Ireland during the past seven months. No
surprise can be felt, for we cannot imagine anybody being born in Ireland
on purpose just now.
* * *
A London firm are now manufacturing what they call the smallest motor-car
on the market. How great a boon this will be to the general public will be
gathered from the report that one of these cars has been knocked down by a
pedestrian.
* * *
According to a Sunday paper MUSTAPHA KEMAL wants as soldiers only those who
will die for their belief in his cause. Previous experience is not
essential.
* * *
Citizens of Ealing have protested against Sunday concerts unless Sunday
bathing is also permitted. The pre-war custom of merely sponging the ears
after attending a recital was never wholly satisfactory.
* * *
According to an inscription on the score card of the North Berwick Club,
"golf is a science in which you may exhaust yourself but never your
subject." Several clubs, however, claim to possess colonels who can say
practically all that is worth saying about the game without stopping to get
their second wind.
* * *
Girls have broadened out a lot, declared a speaker at the annual conference
of the Head-mistresses' Association. The home-made jumper, it appears, has
been coming in for a good deal of unmerited blame.
* * *
A middle-aged man was charged at the Thames Police Court the other day with
having an altercation with a lamp-post. It appears that the man called the
lamp-post "Pussyfoot," and the latter promptly knocked him down.
* * *
Special courts, it is stated, are to be set up for the trial of Irish
criminals. The need, we gather, is for some machinery by which the trial
can be conducted in the absence of the prisoner.
* * *
"I have put in a good three months in the garden," Mr. SMILLIE told a
reporter, on his return to London, "and have coaxed some nice red roses
out." Coaxing the nice red miners out is comparatively easy work.
* * *
On a question of equipment Ashford Fire Brigade has resigned. It is not
known yet whether local fires will go out in sympathy with the Brigade.
* * *
Letchworth, the first Garden City, has voted itself dry by a majority of
sixty-five. There seems to be a lack of hospitality in this attempt to
discourage American visitors.
* * *
The latest news from Turkey, Russia and Ireland sets us wondering what the
War made the world safe for.
* * *
Ants, we are informed, will not come near the hands of a person if well
rubbed with a raw onion. The last time we attempted to rub an ant with a
raw onion he broke away and made a dash for the hills.
* * *
_The Chicago Tribune_ points out that two attempts have been made on the
life of the EX-KAISER. It is hoped that he will realise that it would be a
breach of etiquette to get assassinated before the Allies have decided what
is to be done with him.
* * *
We understand that one of the New Poor who recently found a burglar in his
house searching for money immediately offered the intruder ten per cent. if
he proved successful.
* * *
Referring to the report in these columns last week that two bricklayers
were seen to remove their coats at Finsbury Park, we now hear that it was
simply done to oblige a photographer who was understood to have been sent
down by Dr. ADDISON.
* * *
Among the articles left in trains on a South Coast railway is a sandwich.
Unless claimed within three days we understand that it will be broken up
and sold to defray expenses.
* * * * *
IMPORTANT NOTICE.
Mr. Punch begs leave to draw the attention of the Intelligent Public to the
fact that on Monday next, July 5th, he proposes to publish a Special Summer
Number. All his previous Summer Numbers have appeared in the form of an
ordinary weekly issue, with additional holiday and other matter. This is a
Special Summer Number, altogether distinct from the weekly issue. It will
contain thirty-six pages, almost entirely made up of drawings, and
including several pages of illustrations in three colours. Mr. Punch has
great pleasure in inviting his friends to encourage him in this new
venture.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE GORGEOUS UNIFORMS OF THE PAST MAY BE RE-INTRODUCED INTO
THE ARMY; BUT, IF SO, THE CINEMA ATTENDANT WILL NOT GIVE IN WITHOUT A
STRUGGLE.]
* * * * *
OUR ENTERPRISING CONTEMPORARIES.
"NEWS BY WIRE AND AIR.
To-day is the longest day."--"_Daily Mail_," _June 21st_.
* * * * *
THE EXPANSION OF SCOTLAND.
"The most interesting features of the vital statistics of Scotland....
The girth-rate was higher than those of all first quarters since 1891.
--_Daily Paper._
* * * * *
OUR MERRY MUNICIPALITIES.
"---- TOWN COUNCIL.
MINUTES FOR MONDAY'S MEETING.
MORE INCREASES OF WAGS."--_Provincial Paper._
* * * * *
THREATENED UNREST AT THE ZOO.
"Mr. Churchill has made up his mind, but if he gets his way every
tadpole and tapir will take it as a precedent."--_Daily News._
* * * * *
"In a driving competition Ray drove 723 yards, one inch."--_South
African Paper._
Another inch, and we should have refused to believe it.
* * * * *
"WILSON WOULD TAKE MANDATE OVER AMERICA.
WASHINGTON, May 25.--President Wilson Monday asked authority from
Congress for the United States to accept a mandate over Armenia.--
_Canadian Paper._
But there is no reason to believe that the headline is inaccurate.
* * * * *
HOLIDAY ANTICIPATIONS.
[Now that holiday-planning is in season we have pleasure in announcing
a few proposed schemes for the recreation of some of the mighty brains
that shape our destinies and guide our groping intelligences. But it
must be clearly understood that in these inconstant times we cannot
vouch for their authenticity or guarantee fulfilment.]
MR. ASQUITH'S recent success in spotting the winner of the Derby is
believed to have inspired Mr. LLOYD GEORGE with an idea of combining his
present policy of always going one, if not two or three, better than the
Old Man with a public demonstration of the extent to which the crude
Puritanism of his youth has been mellowed by sympathies more in keeping
with his later political alliances. He is credited with the intention of
putting to appropriate use his peculiar gifts of non-committal prophecy and
persuasive casuistry, and at the same time making sure of a profitable
holiday in the open air by "doing" the Sussex Fortnight, beginning with the
Goodwood meeting, in the capacity of Downy Dave, a race-course tipster.
* * * * *
There is reason to believe that, if the Recess should afford Sir WILLIAM
SUTHERLAND an opportunity to indulge his craving for the Simple Life, he
will proceed to Italy to join the coterie of ascetics known as the Assisi
Set. His conspicuous ability in telling the tale to the London Pressmen
encourages expectations that he will be no less successful as a preacher to
the birds, after the manner of St. FRANCIS, the founder of the cult.
* * * * *
In financial circles it is expected that Mr. CHAMBERLAIN will spend the
vacation _incognito_ in the neighbourhood of Blackpool, partly for the sake
of the invigorating air, but mainly, in view of the abnormal prosperity of
Lancashire, for the purpose of considering on the spot the possibilities of
a levy on capital as a local experiment.
* * * * *
A rumour is current in Whitehall, and gains colour from the activity in
certain seaports, that, in consequence of Earl CURZON'S having been
informed that the number of Channel-swimmers is likely to be unusually
large this summer, his lordship has decided to take command of a fleet of
Foreign Office launches, which will patrol the coast to make sure that none
of these persons is unprovided with a passport.
* * * * *
At Unity House a suspicion is entertained that Sir ERIC GEDDES contemplates
utilising the holidays for the double purpose of working off superfluous
steam and familiarizing himself with the true attitude of the railwaymen by
working as a stoker on one of the great main lines. Should this scheme be
carried into effect arrangements are in readiness to compel him to become a
member of the N.U.R.
* * * * *
It is hoped that Mr. AUGUSTUS JOHN will be able to accompany Lord
BEAVERBROOK to Canada this summer, so that his lordship may gratify his
lifelong ambition to be painted by Mr. JOHN, with the primeval backwoods
for a setting, in the character of a _coureur-des-bois_, of the type
immortalized by Sir GILBERT PARKER in _Pierre_.
* * * * *
As far as can be ascertained, Mr. BERNARD SHAW intends to devote the
holidays to verifying the report of his namesake, Mr. TOM SHAW (with whom
he has been stupidly confused), on the Bolshevik _régime_. He will probably
enter Russia secretly, accompanied by a mixed party of vegetarian Fabians
disguised as Muscovites, so that in the event of being denounced as
Boorjoos they may hope to pass for returning Dukhobors, or, in case of
detection, for an amateur theatrical company touring with _Labour's Love's
Lost_.
* * * * *
We understand that Lords LONSDALE and BIRKENHEAD are making arrangements
for a joint trip to Cuba, in order to investigate personally the condition
and prospects of the Havana leaf industry. It will not be surprising if
this visit bears fruit in the shape of the eighteen-inch super-cigar which
sporting men have been for so long demanding.
* * * * *
ON THE EATING OF ASPARAGUS.
There were twenty-three ways of eating asparagus known to the ancients. Of
these the best known method was to suspend it on pulleys about three feet
from the ground and "approach the green" on one's back along the floor; but
it was discontinued about the middle of the fourth century, and no new
method worthy of serious consideration was subsequently evolved, till the
August or September of 1875, when a Mr. Gunter-Brown wrote a letter to the
_A.A.R._ (_The Asparagus Absorbers' Review and Gross Feeders' Gazette_),
saying that he had patented a scheme more cleanly and less unsightly than
the practice of tilting the head backward at an angle of forty-five degrees
and lowering the asparagus into the expectant face, which is shown by
statistics to have been the mode usually adopted at that time.
Mr. Gunter-Brown's apparatus, necessary to the method he advocated,
consisted of a silver or plated tube, into which each branch of asparagus,
except the last inch, was placed, and so drawn into the mouth by suction,
the eater grasping the last uneatable inch, together with the butt end of
the tube, in the palm of his hand. Asparagus branches being of variable
girth, a rubber washer inserted in the end of the tube furthest from the
eater's mouth helped to cause a vacuum.
The inventor claimed that the edible portion of the delicacy became
detached if the intake of the eater was strong enough, but he overlooked
the fact that the necessary force caused the asparagus to pass through the
epiglottis into the oesophagus before the eater had time to enjoy the taste
(as was proved by experiment) and so all sense of pleasure was lost.
More prospective marriages have been marred through the abuse of asparagus
at table than through mixed bathing at Tunbridge Wells. For instance,
though the matter was hushed up at the time, it is an open secret among
their friends that Miss Gladys Devereux broke off her engagement to young
Percy Gore-Mont on account of his _gaucherie_ when assimilating this weed
at a dinner-party. It seems that he simply threw himself at the stuff, and
that one of the servants had to comb the melted butter out of his hair
before he could appear in the drawing-room.
The case of the Timminses, too, presents very sad features, though the
marriage was not in this case abandoned, the high contracting parties not
having once encountered a dish of asparagus simultaneously during the
engagement. Yet it is more than rumoured that when, at the end of the close
season, asparagus may be hunted, there is considerable friction in the
Timminses' household, because Mrs. Timmins plays with a straight fork,
while Timmins affects the crouching style.
Happily, however, a light at last appears to be shining through the
darkness. Under the auspices of the Vegetable Growers Association (Luxury
Trades section) an asparagus eating contest has been arranged to take place
in the Floral Hall early in July. As the entrants to date include a
contortionist and at least three well-known war-profiteers it is
confidently expected that some startling methods will be exhibited which
may revolutionise asparagus-eating in this country.
* * * * *
"DUNOON.--Sitting room and two bedrooms to let for month of Dunoon."--
_Scotch Paper._
We welcome the introduction of "rhyming slang" to brighten up the
advertisement columns.
* * * * *
[Illustration: PARADISE LOST AGAIN?
MR. ASQUITH (_to John Bull_). "OF COURSE MESOPOTAMIA IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE,
AND NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN ANXIOUS TO VACATE THE GARDEN OF EDEN; BUT YOU MUST
REFLECT THAT THE COST OF ITS UPKEEP HAS INCREASED ENORMOUSLY SINCE ADAM'S
TIME."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Lady of the Manor._ "HOWDY, BO? SIT RIGHT DOWN. I SURE HOPE
YOU'RE FEELING FULL OF PEP! EXCUSE ME, VICAR, BUT I'M PRACTISING A FEW
PHRASES SO THAT IN CASE I MEET ANY OF THIS AMERICAN INVASION I CAN MAKE
THEM FEEL AT HOME."]
* * * * *
A NOTE ON CHESTERFIELDS.
In the Soviet Republic of Russia, I am told, no one can lay claim to the
title of worker unless his hands are hardened and roughened by toil, and
LENIN and TROTSKY have to take their turns at the rack, like the commonest
executioner. In England we are not nearly so particular about the manual
test, and, besides feeling quite kindly disposed towards professional
footballers, tea-tasters and the men who stand on Cornish cliffs and shout
when they see the pilchard shoals come in, we still give a certain amount
of credit to mere brain-work as well.
There is, however, a poisonous idea prevalent, especially amongst the women
of this country, that a fellow is not working with his brain unless he is
walking rapidly up and down the room with wrinkles on his forehead, or
sitting on a hard chair at a table with a file of papers in front of him.
But there is no rule of this sort about the birth of great and beautiful
ideas in the human brain. It is all a matter of individual taste and habit.
I know a man, a poet, who thinks best on the Underground Railway, and that
is the reason why he said the other day, "Give me to gaze once more on the
blue hills," to the girl in the booking-office, when what he really wanted
was a ticket (of a light heliotrope colour) to St. James's Park. Lord
BYRON, on the other hand, composed a sorrowful ditty on the decadence of
the Isles of Greece whilst shaving; but the invention of the safety-razor
and the energetic action of M. VENIZELOS will most likely render it
unnecessary for anyone to repeat such a performance. As for the people who
have a sudden bright idea whilst they are dressing for dinner, they may be
dismissed at once, for they nearly always go to bed by mistake and, when
they wake up again extremely hungry, they have forgotten what it was.
Most experts are really agreed that a recumbent or semi-recumbent position
is the best for creative thought, and another friend of mine, also a maker
of verses, has patented the very ingenious device of a pair of stirrups
just under the mantelshelf, so that, when he sits back in his armchair, he
can manage his Pegasus without having his feet continually slipping off the
marble surface into the fender.
Much may be said too for a seat in a first-class railway carriage, when you
have the compartment all to yourself and the train is going at sixty miles
an hour or more. But England is hardly spacious enough for a really
sustained inspiration; and the result of being turned out suddenly at
Thurso, N.B., or Penzance is that some opening flower of the human
intellect fails to achieve its perfect bloom, and as likely as not your
golf clubs are left in the rack.
There is also, of course, an influential school which believes strongly in
the early morning tea hour, and people who ought to know tell me that Mr.
WINSTON CHURCHILL plans new uniforms for the Guards as well as the campaign
in Mesopotamia with pink pyjamas on, and that the PRIME MINISTER can never
be persuaded to get up for breakfast until he has hit on a few of those
striking repartees which are subsequently translated by his posse of
interpreters into Russian, Italian, Bohemian and Erse.
For my part, however, I swear by a Chesterfield sofa, a large one, on which
you can lie at full length, as I am lying now; the most comfortable thing
there is on earth, I think, except perhaps a truss of hay, when one has
been riding for about six consecutive hours in an army saddle. But there
are disadvantages even about a Chesterfield sofa. It is, to begin with, in
the drawing-room and in the drawing-room one is not so entirely immune from
the trivial incidents of everyday life as I like to be when I am having
brain-waves. Doors are opened and this creates a draught, and it is not the
slightest use attempting a real work of imagination when people will come
in and ask if I am lying on _The Literary Supplement_ of _The Times_ (as if
it were likely), or the anti-aircraft gun that the children were playing
with after lunch. For this reason I have had to invent an even better thing
than the ordinary Chesterfield sofa, and since it will be, when made, the
noblest piece of scientific upholstery in the world I will ask the printer
to write the next sentence in italics, please.
_It is a Chesterfield sofa enclosed on all four sides._ Thank you.
The marvels of this receptacle for human thought will dawn upon the reader
by slow degrees. Try to imagine yourself ensconced there, having climbed up
by the short flight of steps which will be attached to it, enisled and
remote amidst the surging traffic that sweeps through a drawing-room.
Instead of making a rapid bolt to escape from callers and probably meeting
them full tilt in the hall, you simply stay on, thinking. You have nothing
to fear from them, unless they are so inquisitive and ill-mannered as to
come and peep over the edge. With plenty of tobacco, a writing tablet and a
fountain-pen, you can stare at the anaglypta ceiling and dream noble
thoughts and put them down when you like without interruption. On sunny
days the apparatus can be wheeled on to the balcony, where the sapphire sky
will be exchanged for the anaglypta ceiling; and for winter use a metal
base will be supplied, under which you can place either an oil-stove or an
electric radiator.
I should like to see this four-sided Chesterfield in offices also. The
master-strokes of commercial and administrative skill would be much more
masterly with most people if they did not have to proceed from a hard
office chair. You can easily dictate to a typist from the interior of a
Chesterfield, and, though I know that business men and Government officials
are often subjected to deputations, during which they have to look their
persecutors in the face, this difficulty could be overcome by means of a
sliding panel, through which the face of the recumbent administrator could
be poked when necessary, wearing the proper expression of shrewdness,
terror, conciliation or rage. I should like Sir ERIC GEDDES to have one of
my four-sided Chesterfields.
With his usual sagacity the reader will probably remark here that the
four-sided Chesterfield can be procured ready-made at any moment by turning
the usual article round and pushing it up against the wall. This point has
not escaped notice, my friend. But you can hardly imagine the objections
that will be urged by the female members of your household against adopting
such a course in the drawing-room. They will assert, amongst other things,
that Mrs. Ponsonby-Smith is on the point of arriving and that she will
think you've done it on purpose.
I shall have the upholsterer in to-morrow.
EVOE.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Gladys._ "HAVE YOU ANY INTERESTING CASES COMING ON, SIR
CHARLES?"
_Eminent K.C._ "WE HAVE A VERY INTRICATE AND TECHNICAL CASE COMING ON--MOST
INTERESTING. IT TURNS ON THE QUESTION WHETHER A CERTAIN SUBTERRANEAN
CONDUIT SHOULD BE CLASSIFIED AS A DRAIN OR A SEWER."
_Gladys._ "OH, BUT WHY NOT ASK A PLUMBER?"]
* * * * *
DEDICATIONS.
MR. COMPTON MACKENZIE has found it necessary to state publicly in a
dedication that his books have not been written by his sister.
The following extracts are taken from possible future dedications by
various authors:--
_Mr. H.G. WELLS to the Bishop of LONDON._
As I have seen it stated in various journals that you are the author of my
book, _The Soul of a Bishop_, I hereby take the opportunity of informing
your Lordship most definitely and emphatically that you are _not_. That
book and also _The Passionate Friends_ were written without any assistance
from the episcopal bench. To avoid future misunderstanding I may say that
all my books are written by myself. If at any time it is suggested that any
publication of your Lordship has been written by me, I shall be glad if you
will immediately issue a contradiction.
_Mr. BERNARD SHAW to the Editor of "The Morning Post."_
You have not written my books. You have not written my plays. Any statement
to the contrary is an infamous falsehood. No one else, dead or alive, could
ever have written anything which I have written. When I have become an
imbecile, which is not likely to happen yet, as I am a vegetarian and do
not read your rag, it will be time enough for other people to lay claim to
my work. Nor have I ever assisted you in conducting that which you call a
paper, nor have I ever written an editorial for its columns. Please let
this matter have your futile attention.
_Miss DAISY ASHFORD to Lord HALDANE._
If I did not believe your Lordship to be really innosent I should be very
vexed with you. But let me explain. I have heard it said in reliable
quarters that you are the auther of _The Young Visiters_. Oh, my Lord! my
Lord! I thought everybody knew by now that no one helped me even to spell a
word. I have read your Lordship's books with pleasure and of course realise
their promise. But it is all very diferent stuff from _The Young Visiters_.
Please in the future disclaim all credit for giving me my idears, and in
return I can assure you that your skemes for the better education of the
people shall have my enthoosiastic suport.
_Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT to The Man in the Street._
The last thing that I wish is that you should he misunderstood; all my life
I have laboured to explain you to yourself. That my explanation has pleased
you is shown by the fact that you buy my books. But you have commenced to
give yourself airs, my man, and it is time you were put in your place. My
books are so much to your taste that you have been led to believe yourself
the author. Now please understand my books are written _for_ you and not
_by_ you. You merely exist--thanks to me--and pay. I have been told that I
once wrote a book called _The Old Wives' Tale_. If so, that was in earlier
days, and you have long since forgiven me. And do you not owe me something
for _The Pretty Lady_? Have I not shown you that your love is both sacred
and profane? As I have enough to contend with from those who care for
literature I hope any further word from me on this subject will be
unnecessary.
_Mrs. FLORENCE BARCLAY to Lord FISHER._
The phenomenal success of our recent volumes has, I understand, led a
certain section of our public to believe that you are the author of several
of my books. In particular it has been stated that _The Rosary_ was written
by your Lordship. As you know, I have a great respect for the aristocracy,
and I do not suggest that you have deliberately put yourself forward as the
author of my books. You will, however, understand me when I say that only
your Lordship could express all that I feel about the matter. The mixing up
of our identities is probably explained by the fact that we are both
stylists and seekers for the _mot juste_. Will you please assist me in
making it clear that we work independently? As I am staying in a country
parsonage and it is our custom to read one another's letters over the
breakfast-table, I shall be glad if any reply you may wish to make should
be sent to the Editor of _The Times_.
_Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE to Sir OLIVER LODGE._
Our common concern with the life beyond has become so well known that our
interests in this present life are in danger of becoming involved. In a
volume of _Sherlock Holmes_ stories recently purchased abroad I find you
described as the author, and another book assures me that I have written
extensively on the Atomic Theory. You will, I am sure, see the harm which I
am likely to suffer through such mistakes. Nor does the confusion end here.
I find that my novel, _The Hound of the Baskervilles_, is now stated to be
by Sir CONAN LODGE, and another book of mine, _The Lost World_, to be by
Sir OLIVER DOYLE. Also I have seen myself described as "The Principal of
Birmingham University," and yourself as the well-known detective of Baker
Street. May I solicit your aid in helping me to suppress any further
confusion of our respective genii? My best wishes to you and the good work.
* * * * *
LABOUR-SAVING.
["Electric bore, one man, portable."--_Trade Journal_.]
Though not a scientific bean
I am occasionally seen
Scanning a technic magazine.
I love to learn of any wheeze
Wherewith to win by quick degrees
A rich sufficiency of ease.
And so it thrilled me to the core
To read the phrase, "Electric bore,"
And think of happy days in store.
In former times I'd often start
Abroad with eagerness of heart
To patronise dramatic art;
Only at curtain's fall to come
Homeward again, dejected, glum,
And overwhelmed by tedium.
With _ennui_ verging on distress
I'd witnessed from the circle (dress)
Some transatlantic HUGE SUCCESS;
Or else some play of Irish life,
Ending with father, son and wife
Impaled upon a single knife;
Or haply I had chanced to choose
Some even surer source of blues,
One of the things they call revues.
But now those times are passed away;
Electric bores have come to stay;
I mean to purchase one to-day.
I don't know how it works, but an
Authority declares it can
Be guided by a single man.
I have in mind a little niche
Beside my study window which
Will just accommodate the switch.
Henceforth abroad no more I'll roam,
But turn it on at evening's gloam
And yawn my time away at home.
* * * * *
OUR GO-AHEAD MUNICIPALITIES.
"Visitors to ---- this summer need not fear want of recreation, for the
Urban Council on Wednesday granted an application by Mr. ---- for leave
to place an additional donkey on the beach."--_Provincial Paper._
* * * * *
"Mr. Taylor, who had relieved Mr. Higgins, here had the misfortune to
see Seymour badly hit over the right eye on attempting to hook one of
his rising deliveries."--_Daily Paper._
SEYMOUR, we understand, sympathised warmly with Mr. TAYLOR over this piece
of bad luck.
* * * * *
[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
DARBY AND JOAN (FOR THE PREVAILING EPIDEMIC SPARES NEITHER AGE NOR VIRTUE)
FAIL TO FIND THE WINNER OF THE 2.30.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: AT WIMBLEDON.
_Umpire._ "FORTY, THIRTY, SLASHER."
_Diana_ (_fresh from Ascot_). "PUT ME THIRTY SHILLINGS ON."]
* * * * *
A DOG'S LIFE.
The life of a public man is a dog's life. I don't know why a dog's life
should be the type and summit of unpleasantness in lives; for myself I
should have thought it was rather a good life; no clothes to buy and no
shortage of smells; but there it is. The reason is perhaps that a dog
spends most of his day just finding a really good smell and being diverted
from it by something else, a loud whistle in front or a motor-bicycle or
another smell. He rushes off then after the whistler or the motor-bicycle
or the new smell, missing all kinds of good smells on the way and never
getting the cream of the old one. And that is like the day of the public
man.
He sits up in bed in the morning, having his breakfast and thinking over
the smells he is going to have during the day. There is an enormous choice.
The whole of the bed is covered with papers; there are tables on either
side of the bed covered with papers, letters and memoranda, and agenda and
minutes and constituents' grievances, and charitable appeals and ordinary
begs. When he moves his foot there is a great crackling, and the surface
papers float off into the air and are wafted about the room. Each paper
represents a different smell. He is going to make a speech to the
Bottle-Washers' Union at 11 A.M. and he is reading the notes of his speech;
but before that he has got to introduce a deputation of Fish-Friers to the
HOME SECRETARY at ten and he is trying to find out what the Fish-Friers are
after. But the telephone-bell keeps on ringing and the papers keep on
floating away, and the papers about the Fish-Friers keep mixing themselves
up with the papers about the Bottle-Washers, and the valet keeps coming in
to say that the bath is prepared or the hosier has come, so that it is all
very difficult.
All his family ring him up, and all the people who were at the meeting last
night and were not quite satisfied with the terms of the Resolution, and
all the people who are interested in Fish-Frying and Bottle-Washing, and
all the people who want him to make a speech at Cardiff next year, and
several newspapers who would like to interview him about the Sewers and
Drains Bill, and a man whose uncle has not yet been demobilised, and a lady
whose first-born son would like to be President of the Board of Trade as
soon as it can be arranged. Meanwhile people begin to drift into the room.
The Private Secretary drifts in with a despatch-case, full of new smells
and some old ones; and the valet drifts in to say that the bath is still
prepared, and a haircutter and a man from the shirt-makers, and the
Secretary of the Fish-Friers, who has looked in for a quiet talk about the
situation.
When they are all ready for their quiet talks the public man decides that
it is time he got up; he leaps out of bed and rushes out of the room and
shaves and baths and does his exercises very very quickly. Then he rushes
back and has a talk with the HOME SECRETARY on the telephone while he is
drying his ears. When his ears are nice and dry he rings off and ties his
tie, meanwhile dictating a nasty letter to _The Times_ about the Scavengers
(Minimum Wage) (Scotland) No. 2 Bill. In the middle of this letter two new
crises arise--(1) The HOME SECRETARY'S Private Secretary's Secretary rings
up and says that the Fish-Friers' deputation is postponed till 11 A.M.
because of a Cabinet Meeting about the new war. (2) The Assistant-Secretary
to the PRIME MINISTER'S Principal Secretary's Secretary rings up and says
that the PRIME MINISTER can see the public man for ten seconds at one
minute past eleven. It is now clear that the Bottle-Washers and the
Fish-Friers and the PRIME MINISTER are going to clash pretty badly, and a
scene of intense confusion takes place. The public man runs about the room
in his shirt-sleeves smelling distractedly at the papers on the floor and
on the bed and everywhere else. Some of the papers he throws at the Private
Secretary and tells him to write a memorandum about them, and go and see
the War Office about them and have six copies made of them. Most of them,
however, he just throws on the floor or hides away in a dressing-gown where
the Private Secretary won't find them; this is the only way of making sure
of a permanent supply of good crises. A crisis about a lost document is far
and away the most fruitful kind of crisis.
Meanwhile the valet pursues the public man about the room with spats and
tries to attach them to his person. If he can attach both spats before the
Fish-Friers' man really gets hold of him he has won the game. The
Fish-Friers' man keeps clearing his throat and beginning, "The position is
this--"; and the Private Secretary keeps saying in a cold dispassionate
voice, "Are you going to the Lord Mayor's lunch?" or "How much will you
give to the Dyspeptic Postmen's Association?" or "What about this letter
from Bunt?"
The public man takes no notice of any one of them, but says rapidly over
and over again, "Where are my spectacles?" or "What have you done with the
brown socks?" He is playing for time. If he can put them off for a little
more, some new crisis may occur and he will be able to say that he is too
busy to deal with them now.
The Private Secretary knows this and continues to say, "Are you going to
the Lord Mayor's lunch?" The Fish-Friers' man doesn't know it, and crawls
about excitedly on the floor looking for the spectacles under the bed. When
he is well under the bed the public man tells the Private Secretary to ring
up the Bottle-Washers and the Fish-Friers and the PRIME MINISTER and
arrange things somehow, and rushes out of the room. He is hotly pursued by
the valet and the hosier and the hairdresser, but there's a taxi at the
door and with any luck he will now get clear away. In the hall, however,
the cook meets him in order to give notice, and by the time he has dealt
with that crisis the Private Secretary has had three wrong numbers and
given it up, and the Fish-Friers' man has bumped his head and given it up.
They give chase together and catch the public man just as he is escaping
from the front-door. The Private Secretary starts again about the Lord
Mayor's lunch, and the Fish-Friers' man starts again about the position.
The public man knows now that he is done, so he drives them into the taxi
and says he will talk to them on the way to the PRIME MINISTER. The taxi
dashes off, leaving the hosier and the hairdresser and the valet wringing
their hands in the hall.
The only thing the public man can do now is to invent a new crisis for the
Private Secretary, who is still saying in a cold dispassionate voice, "Are
you going to the Lord Mayor's lunch?"
So he thinks of one of the letters he has hidden in his dressing-gown and
tells the Private Secretary that he must have that letter for the
Bottle-Washers' meeting. Then he stops the taxi at a place where there is
no Underground and no 'bus, and pushes the Private Secretary out. He has
disposed of the Private Secretary for the day.
But the Fish-Friers' man's throat is practically clear by now and he gets
to work at once. The public man pays no attention but prepares in his mind
his opening sentences to the PRIME MINISTER. In the Park he sees two other
public men walking and he takes them into the cab. Each of them has
discovered some entirely new smells and starts talking about them at once
very fast. The public man promises to go and try them all immediately. When
he gets to the PRIME MINISTER'S he rings up and cancels the Fish-Friers and
the Bottle-Washers. When he has done that the Assistant-Secretary to the
PRIME MINISTER'S Principal Private Secretary's Secretary comes out and says
that the PRIME MINISTER has been called away suddenly to Geneva.
The public man then goes off after the new smells. A dog's life.
A.P.H.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Visitor_ (_to actor friend_). "Y'KNOW, I WAS GOIN' ON THE
STAGE MYSELF ONCE, BUT MY PEOPLE DINE SO LATE."]
* * * * *
A SPORTING OFFER.
"Rabbit trapper would take so much the couple or rent them, or give so much
the couple and kill them."--_Scotch Paper._
* * * * *
A CORNISH LULLABY.
A.D. 1760.
Sleep, my little ugling,
Daddy's gone a-smuggling,
Daddy's gone to Roscoff in the _Mevagissey Maid_,
A sloop of ninety tons
With ten brass-carriage guns,
To teach the King's ships manners and respect for honest trade.
Hush, my joy and sorrow,
Daddy'll come to-morrow
Bringing baccy, tea and snuff and brandy home from France;
And he'll run the goods ashore
While the old Collectors snore
And the wicked troopers gamble in the dens of Penzance.
Rock-a-bye, my honey,
Daddy's making money;
You shall be a gentleman and sail with privateers,
With a silver cup for sack
And a blue coat on your back,
With diamonds on your finger-bones and gold rings in your ears.
PATLANDER.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Motorist._ "THAT REMINDS ME--I NEVER POSTED THAT LETTER."]
* * * * *
POPULAR CRICKET.
DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I enclose a cut from _Le Radical_, one of the leading
Mauritius papers, and on behalf of the lovers of our national game in the
island venture to ask for information regarding the last match recorded:--
"Londres, 14 mai, 4 hres P.M.--Mary-le-bone a battu Nottingham par 5
wickets; Lancashire a battu Leichester; Sussex a battu Warrick. En second
lieu un joueur du Sussex a abattu H. Wilson par 187 wickets."
We are much perturbed at the strange developments that are evidently taking
place in the game at home. Was this match, we want to know, a single-wicket
game between the Sussex player and H. WILSON? If so how did he beat him by
187 wickets?
An ex-captain of the Cambridge eleven living here is of the opinion that,
in order to make cricket more popular, the numbers of the opposing sides
are being increased, and that this match must have been between a team of,
say, a couple of hundred Sussex players and one of a like number captained
by H. WILSON, and that only some dozen wickets had fallen in the second
innings when the match ended. If this is the correct interpretation we
should be very grateful for the rules, plan of the field, etc., as we are
most anxious to move with the times in this little outpost of Empire.
I fear however that we shall have some difficulty here in raising two teams
of more than a hundred-a-side.
We presume that, as a match of eleven-a-side takes two or three days to
finish, about six or eight weeks are allotted to this new game.
Any help that you can give us, Sir, will be much appreciated.
Yours faithfully,
M.C.C.
* * * * *
FROM THE FILM WORLD.
As an interesting supplement to the announcement that Sir THOMAS LIPTON has
kindly placed his bungalows and estates in Ceylon at the disposal of the
East and West Films, Limited, for the filming of The Life of BUDDHA, we are
glad to learn that preparations are already well advanced for the
presentation of the Life of HANNIBAL on the screen.
Messrs. Sowerly and Bitterton, the well-known vinegar manufacturers, have
undertaken to provide the necessary plant for illustration of the famous
exploit of splitting the rocks with that disintegrating condiment, and
Messrs. Rappin and Jebb, the famous cutlers, have been approached with a
view to furnish the necessary implements for the portrayal of the tragedy
of the Caudine Forks. Professor Chollop, who is superintending the taking
of the pictures of the battle of Cannæ and the subsequent period of repose
at Capua in their proper atmosphere, states that he is receiving every
support from the local condottieri, pifferari, banditti and lazzaroni, and
expects to be able to complete his task by the late autumn.
A certain amount of antagonism, on humanitarian grounds, has been shown by
the Italian Government to the importation of a herd of elephants, which
were essential to the realistic depiction of the passage of the Alps by the
Carthaginian army; but it is hoped that by the use of skis the transit may
be effected without undue casualties among the elephantine fraternity.
Lord FISHER has been invited to impersonate SCIPIO, and the _rôle_ of
FABIUS, the originator of the "Wait and See" policy, has been offered to
Mr. ASQUITH, but authentic details are as yet lacking as to their decision.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE BLAMELESS ACCOMPLICE.
IRISH RAILWAYMAN (_to Sinn Fein Assassin_). "YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT. DETESTING
MURDER, AS MR. THOMAS SAYS I DO, I'VE TAKEN CARE THAT THAT FELLOW SHOULD
HAVE NO AMMUNITION."
["The Irish members of the N.U.R. expressed publicly their feeling of
disgust at murder and outrage."--_Mr. J.H. THOMAS._]]
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
_Monday, June 21st._--While the PRIME MINISTER was celebrating the
longest--and pretty nearly the hottest--day by a _vin d'honneur_ at
Boulogne Mr. BONAR LAW had to content himself with small beer in the
Commons.
The Government, it seems, is to offer its services to effect a peaceful
settlement between the Imam YAHYA and the Said IDRISSI, who are rival
rulers in Arabia. There is believed to be a possibility that in return the
said Said will offer his services to effect a peaceful settlement in
Hibernia Infelix.
The Government is not so indifferent to economy as is sometimes suggested.
The PRIME MINISTER'S famous letter to the Departments was only written in
August last, yet already, Mr. BONAR LAW assured the House, some progress
has been made in reducing redundant staffs, and the Government has
appointed--no, I beg pardon, "decided to appoint"--independent Committees
to carry out investigations. The hustlers!
[Illustration: DO YOU EXPECT ME TO SEND THE SERGEANT-AT-ARMS TO FETCH THE
MINISTER OF TRANSPORT?--_The SPEAKER._]
The Member for Wood Green, who urged that the Treasury should prepare an
estimate of the national income, with the view of limiting the national
expenditure to a definite proportion of that amount, displayed, it seems to
me, amazing temerity. The course of taxation in recent years encourages the
belief that the only thing that restrains the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER
from taking our little all is that he does not know how much it is.
Capt. WEDGEWOOD BENN'S complaint that the MINISTER OF TRANSPORT habitually
absented himself from the House met with little encouragement from the
SPEAKER, who sarcastically inquired if he should send the SERJEANT-AT-ARMS
to fetch the delinquent. Capt. BENN then dropped the subject, and Sir COLIN
KEPPEL looked relieved.
The Government insisted on taking the Report stage and Third Reading of the
Rent (Restrictions) Bill at one sitting, and kept the House up till
half-past three in order to do it. Dr. ADDISON had need of what the IRON
DUKE called "two o'clock in the morning courage" to ward off attacks. Once,
when Sir ARTHUR FELL was depicting the desperate plight of the landladies
of Yarmouth, forbidden under a penalty of a hundred pounds to charge more
than twenty-five per cent. in excess of their pre-war prices, it looked as
if the Minister must give way; but with some difficulty he convinced his
critics that the clause in question had nothing to do with seaside
landladies.
_Tuesday, June 22nd._--In the Lords the Bishops, reinforced by the
ecclesiastically-minded lay Peers, made a last attempt to throw out the
Matrimonial Causes Bill. Lord BRAYE moved its rejection, and was supported
by Lord HALIFAX in a speech whose pathos was even stronger than its
argument, and by the Archbishop of CANTERBURY, who admitted that reform of
the marriage laws was required, but considered that the Bill went a great
deal further than was necessary. The LORD CHANCELLOR thereupon re-stated
the case for the measure, for which be believed the Government were
prepared to give facilities in the other House, and Lord BUCKMASTER
repeated his exegesis of the vexed passage in St. MATTHEW'S Gospel, on
which the whole theological controversy turns. The Third Reading was
carried by 154 votes to 107.
[Illustration: _MENS ÆQUA REBUS IN ARDUIS._
MR. DENIS HENRY ON THE IRISH SITUATION.]
The Commons in the course of the Irish Debate discussed the failure of the
Government to prevent the regrettable incidents in Derry and Dublin.
Colonel ASHLEY demanded martial law; Major O'NEILL was for organising the
loyal population; Sir KEITH FRASER approved both courses and advanced the
amazing proposition that the trouble in Ireland was entirely due to the
religious question, and that even the Sinn Feiners were loyal to the
Empire.
The ATTORNEY-GENERAL FOR IRELAND pointed out that faction-fighting in Derry
was endemic, and drew an amusing picture of the old city, where everyone
had some kind of rabbit-hole from which he could emerge to fire a revolver.
As regards the general question he denied that the Constabulary had been
instructed not to shoot. On the contrary they had been told to treat
attackers as "enemies in the field," and to call upon suspected persons to
hold up their hands.
Lord ROBERT CECIL was at a loss to understand the Government that applied
coercion to the very people to whom it was preparing to hand over the
government of Southern Ireland, and Mr. INSKIP was equally at a loss to
understand the policy of the noble lord, who seemed to think that
conciliation was incompatible with putting down crime.
_Wednesday, June 23rd._--A large company, including the QUEEN and Princess
MARY, attended the House of Lords to see Prince ALBERT take his seat as
Duke of YORK. It was unfortunate that the new peer was unable to wait for
the ensuing debate, for Lord NEWTON was in his best form. His theme was the
absurdity of the present Parliamentary arrangement under which the Peers
were kept kicking their heels in London for the best months of the year,
then overwhelmed with business for a week or two, and finally despatched to
the country in time for the hunting season, which nowadays most of them
were too much impoverished to enjoy. Lord CURZON condescended a little from
his usual Olympian heights, and declared that one of the drawbacks to
conducting business in that House was the difficulty of inducing noble
Lords to attend it after dinner.
[Illustration: THE YOUNG UNIONIST MOVEMENT.
"IF THEY WERE TO HAVE HOME RULE AT ALL THEY MUST 'GO THE WHOLE HOG.'"--_Mr.
ORMSBY GORE._]
To judge by Mr. ASQUITH'S recent speeches outside he meant to have
delivered a thundering philippic against our continued occupation of
Mesopotamia. Some of the sting was taken out of the indictment by the
publication of an official statement showing that Great Britain was
remaining there at the request of the Allies. After all, as Mr. LLOYD
GEORGE observed in his reply, it would not be an economical policy to
withdraw to Basra if we were to be immediately requested to return to
Baghdad.
The rest of the evening was devoted to a renewal of the protests against
Mr. CHURCHILL'S "Red Army." Among the critics were Mr. ESMOND HARMSWORTH
and Mr. OSWALD MOSLEY, the two "babies" of the House, and the MINISTER
adopted quite a fatherly tone in recalling his own callow youth, when he
too, just after the Boer War, denounced "the folly of gaudy and tinselled
uniforms."
_Thursday, June 24th._--On behalf of the Government Lord ONSLOW gave a
rather chilly welcome to Lord BALFOUR OF BURLEIGH'S Bill for the regulation
of advertisements. It is true that the noble author had explained that his
object was to secure "publicity without offence," but I believe he had no
desire to cramp the PRIME MINISTER'S style.
Sir ERIC GEDDES belongs to that wicked species of _fauna_ that defends
itself when attacked. He complained this afternoon that Mr. ASQUITH had in
his recent speeches "trounced a beginner," but Sir ERIC showed, for a
novice, considerable aggressive power. He claimed that the Ministry of
Transport had already saved a cool million by securing the abrogation of an
extravagant contract entered into by Mr. ASQUITH'S Government. The EX
PREMIER, however, insisted that if a mistake had been made the Railway
Department of the Board of Trade could have corrected it just as well as
its grandiose successor and at an infinitely smaller cost.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Naturalised Alien._ "VY DOND YOU GED OUD OF MY VAY? DOND
YOU KNOW DER RULE OF DER RIVER?"
_Bargeman._ "WHICH? THE RHINE?"]
* * * * *
THE NEW COURTIERSHIP.
(_With profound acknowledgment to the writer of the article on "Heroine
Worship" in "The Times" of June 24th._)
While thrones and dynasties have rocked or fallen in the great world
upheaval of the last six years, there remains one form of monarchy which
has proved impervious to all the shocks of circumstance--the monarchy of
genius. If proof be demanded of this assertion we need only point to the
wonderful manifestations of loyalty evoked in the last week by the advent
of the Queen of the Film World and her admirable consort. The adoration of
MARY PICKFORD has been compared with that of MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS, and not
without some show of reason, for the appeal which her acting, makes is
always to the sense of chivalry which, in however sentimental a form, is
characteristic of our race.