I rose from bed, and glided like a ghost through the great aisle of the
church towards the reliquary chamber. I had my lamp with me, which I
lighted at the altar of the Virgin. Illuminated by the glimmering
radiance, the sacred portraits of the Saints seemed to move and start
into life. Methought they looked down upon me with an aspect of
compassion. In the hollow murmurs of the night wind, which poured in
through the high and partly broken windows of the choir, I heard
melancholy warning voices. Among others, I distinguished that of my
mother. Though from a far distance, these words were clearly
audible:--"Medardus! Son Medardus! What wouldst thou do?--Renounce, oh!
renounce, ere it is too late, this fearful undertaking!"
I disregarded them all, however: for my courage was wound up by despair.
As I came into the ghastly old chamber of relics, all was silent and
tranquil. I walked with rapid and resolved steps across the floor, so
that my lamp was almost extinguished. I unlocked the cabinet--I seized
the box--opened it--beheld the bottle--drew the cork--and in an instant
had swallowed a deep and powerful draught!
It seemed immediately as if fire streamed through my veins, and filled
me with a sensation of indescribable delight! I drank once more, (but
sparingly,) and the raptures of a new and glorious life began at once to
dawn on my perception. In haste, as if from dread of being overlooked, I
locked up the empty box into the cabinet, and rapidly fled with the
inestimable treasure into my cell, where I placed it carefully in my
secretaire.
At that moment, while turning over my papers, the identical small key
fell into my hands, which formerly, in order to escape from temptation,
I had separated from the rest; and yet, notwithstanding my precaution, I
had found, both on this occasion, and at the time when the strangers
were with me, the means of unlocking the cabinet! I examined my bunch of
keys, and found among them one strangely shaped and unknown, with which
I had now, and without, in my distraction, remarking it, made my way to
the relic.
Hereupon I shuddered involuntarily; but my terror soon wore away. As if
on the transparent medium of a _phantasmagorie_, one bright and smiling
image chased another before the mind's eye--before that mind, which now,
for the first time, seemed to be awoke from deep sleep; yet the visions
of my youth awoke not--I thought not of the past; but, under the
feverish excitement of newly acquired energy, dwelt only (if thought
could be said to dwell where all was restless confusion) on the
brilliant prospects which awaited me for _the future_. It was ambition
that possessed me. I should have once more the power of obtaining that
noblest of earthly supremacies, an empire over the minds of others!
I had no sleep nor rest through the night, but eagerly waited till the
brightness of the next morning beamed through the high window into my
cell, when I hastened down into the monastery gardens to bask in the
warm splendour of the rising sun, which now ascended fieryly, and
glowing red from behind the mountains.
Leonardus and the brethren directly remarked the change which had taken
place in my outward appearance and behaviour. Instead of being, as
formerly, reserved and wrapt up within myself, without uttering a word,
I was now become once more lively and cheerful, and spoke again in the
same tone with which I used to address the assembled multitudes, and
with the fervid eloquence which used to be peculiarly my own.
On being at last left alone with Leonardus, he looked stedfastly at me
for a long space, as if he would read my inmost thoughts. Then, while a
slight ironical smile coursed over his features, he said only, "Brother
Medardus has had some new vision perhaps--has drawn fresh energy and new
life from supernatural revelations?"
The irony with which the virtuous, the prudent, and immaculate, treat a
fallen brother, is seldom beneficial in its influence; seldom indeed is
it really consistent with virtue. It commonly proceeds either from
selfish coldness of heart, (this utter antithesis of christian charity,)
or from that sort of worldly knowledge, which consists in believing that
no one is to be trusted. Hanging down my head, and with eyes fixed on
the ground, I stood without uttering a word, and as for Leonardus, he
departed and left me to my own contemplations.
I had already been but too much afraid that the state of excitement
produced by wine could not possibly continue long, but, on the contrary,
might, to my utter grief and discomfiture, draw after it a state of yet
more miserable weakness than that which I had already experienced. It
was not so, however; with the perfect recovery of my health, I
experienced a degree even of long-lost youthful courage. I felt once
more that restless and vehement striving after the highest and most
extended sphere of action, which the convent could allow to me.
Accordingly, I insisted on being allowed to preach again on the next
holiday, which after some consideration was granted to me.
Shortly before mounting the pulpit, I allowed myself another draught of
the miraculous wine. The effects were even beyond my most sanguine
expectations. Never had I spoken more ardently, impressively, or with
greater _onction_, than on this day. My audience, as before, were
confounded, and the rumour of my complete recovery was with
inconceivable rapidity spread abroad.
Henceforward the church was regularly crowded, as on the first weeks of
my former celebrity; but the more that I gained the applause of the
people, the more serious and reserved did Leonardus appear, so that I
began at last with my whole soul to hate him. My object, in acquiring an
ascendancy over the multitude, was now fully attained; but in all other
respects, my mind was disappointed, disquieted, and gloomy. In the
friendship of my brethren I had lost all confidence. As for Leonardus, I
believed that he was wholly actuated by selfish pride, and mean-spirited
envy.
* * * * *
The grand festival of St Bernard drew near, and I burned with impatience
to let my light shine in its fullest lustre before the Lady Abbess; on
which account, I begged the Prior to form his arrangements in such a
manner, that I might be appointed on that day to preach in the
Cistertian Convent. Leonardus seemed greatly surprised by my request. He
confessed to me, without hesitation, that he himself had intended to
preach in the Cistertian Monastery; and had already fixed his plans
accordingly. "However," added he, "it will no doubt be on this account
the more easy for me to comply with your request; as I can excuse
myself, on the plea of illness, and appoint you to attend in my place."
I attempted no apology for the indelicacy of such conduct; for my mind
was possessed wholly by one object. The Prior changed his arrangements
in the manner he had promised. I went to Kreuzberg, and saw my mother
and the Princess on the evening preceding the ceremony. My thoughts,
however, were so much taken up with the discourse that I was to deliver,
of which the eloquence was to reach the very climax of excellence, that
the meeting with them again made but a very trifling impression upon me.
I was at the old farm-house, too, in which my early days had passed away
like a dream. I walked again through the neglected garden, where the
trees were now in their fullest luxuriance. I stood upon the moss-grown
terrace, mounted upon the tottering _altan_,[1] on the top of the old
tower, at one end, the better to behold the features of the landscape.
Thence I saw the wanderings of the Saale gleaming amid the pine-tree
forests; the towers of Kreuzberg and Heidebach on the north, and the
Thuringian mountains, with the spires of Koenigswald, in the distance
towards the south. The sunbeams played and shifted over the
landscape;--the summer winds breathed fragrance, wafting to my ears the
choral anthems from the Monastery, and from the assembled pilgrims. The
scenes and their influences were the same, but I saw them with unheeding
eyes. I felt them not; the days of innocence were already past, and my
heart was agitated with earthly passions.
[Footnote 1: Balcony or Platform.]
I felt no reproaching pangs of conscience, however, no sadness, nor
regret; I pursued my ONE and _only_ object, elated with the certainty of
success.
* * * * *
The report had been duly spread through the town, that I was to preach,
instead of the invalid Leonardus; and, therefore, an audience, perhaps
greater than on any former occasion, was drawn together. Without having
written a single note, and merely arranging mentally into parts the
discourse which I was about to deliver, I mounted the pulpit, trusting
only to that inspiration which the solemnity of the occasion, the
multitude of devout listeners, and the lofty-vaulted church, would of
necessity excite in my peculiarly constituted mind.
In this, indeed, I had not been mistaken. Like a fiery lava stream, the
torrent of my eloquence flowed irresistibly onward. With many real
anecdotes out of the life of St Bernard, I interwove ingenious pictures
from my own invention, and the most pious applications of his glorious
examples to the conduct of ordinary mortals, till in the looks of all,
which were universally directed towards me, I read only astonishment and
admiration. Thus my triumph was complete, and methought the trophy would
be more brilliant than any that I had before won.
* * * * *
How anxiously were wound up my anticipations as to the reception which I
was to receive from the Princess! How confidently, indeed, did I look
for the highest and most unqualified expression of her delight! Nay, it
seemed to me, as if she, in her turn, must now pay the homage of
respect and deference to that individual, whom, but a few years before,
she had filled with awe and unlimited veneration.
But in these hopes I was miserably disappointed. Having desired an
interview, I received from her a message, that being attacked by sudden
illness, she could not speak with any one. This notice was so much the
more vexatious, since, according to my proud anticipations, illness
should have only inclined her the more to receive consolation and
spiritual aid from a being so nobly gifted and so highly inspired.
As to my mother, she seemed oppressed, and weighed down by a secret and
overpowering grief, as to the cause of which, I did not venture to
inquire, because the silent admonitions of my own conscience almost
convinced me, that I myself had brought this distress upon her; although
the particular means by which it had been produced, I was unable to
define. She gave me a small billet from the Princess, of which, till my
return to the Capuchin Monastery, I was not to break the seal.
For the rest of the day, (which was, as usual, spent in feasting and
mirth,) I could think of nothing else, and scarcely was I arrived at
home and in my cell, when with the utmost impatience I broke the seal,
and read what follows:
"My dear son, (for still must I address you in this manner, the
slightest variation of expression is like an external farewell
to those whom we love,) by your discourse of to-day, you have
thrown me into the deepest affliction. No longer has your
eloquence been that of a heart whose affections are turned
towards Heaven. Your inspiration was not that which bears the
pious soul as if on seraph's wings aloft, so that it is
enabled, in holy rapture and by anticipation, to behold the
kingdoms of the blest. Alas! the pompous adornments of your
discourse,--your visible effort, only to utter that which might
be striking and brilliant, have sufficiently proved to me, that
instead of labouring to instruct the community, and to stir up
among them pious affections, you have striven only to acquire
the approbation and wonder of the light and worldly-minded
multitude. You have hypocritically counterfeited feelings which
have no real existence in your heart. Nay, like a profane actor
on the stage, you have practised gestures and a studied mien,
all for the sake of the same base meed of wonder and applause.
The demon of deceit has taken possession of you, and, if you do
not return into yourself, and renounce the sins by which you
are beset, will soon bring you to destruction.
"For, sinful, very sinful, are your present actions and
conduct; in so much the more, as, by your vows, you are bound
to renounce the world and its vanities. May the blessed St
Bernard, whom to-day you have so shamefully offended, according
to his celestial patience and long sufferance, forgive you, and
enlighten your mind, so that you may recover the right path,
from which, by stratagems of the devil, you have been thus
distracted; and may he intercede for the salvation of your
soul!--Farewell!"
As if I had been pierced by an hundred fiery daggers, these words of the
Princess struck to my very heart; and, instead of receiving such
admonitions gratefully, as a trial of patience and obedience, I burned
with rage and resentment. Nothing appeared to me more unequivocal, than
that the Prior had taken advantage of the overstrained piety (or
methodism) of the Abbess, and sedulously prejudiced her against me.
Henceforth I could scarcely bear to look upon him without trembling with
indignation. Nay, there often came into my mind thoughts of _revenge_,
at which I myself could not help shuddering.
The reproaches of the Abbess and the Prior were to me, on this account,
only the more intolerable, that I was obliged, from the very bottom of
my soul, to acknowledge their validity and truth. Yet always more and
more firmly persisting in my course, and strengthening myself from time
to time, with a few drops of the mysterious wine, I went on adorning my
sermons with all the arts of rhetoric, and studying theatric gestures
and gesticulations. Thus I secured always more and more the meed of
applause and admiration.