SCENE, _The Park._
_Sir_ Harry_, and the_ Collonel.
_Col._ Never a loose Lady tripping through the _Park_ to whet one's
Appetite this Morning?
Sir _Har._ Fie, _Collonel_, refine your Tast;----A common Woman! I'd as
soon dine at a common Ordinary: Give me a Woman of Condition, there's
Pride as well as Pleasure in such an Amour.
_Col._ Your Women of Condition, Pox on em, are like Noblemen's Dinners,
all Garniture and no Meat, then, the Ceremony of Approach and Retire,
palls a Man's Inclination, 'till he grows indifferent i' the Matter;--
Wou'd you Charm me, give me a ruddy Country Wench to riffe on the Grass,
with no other resistance than,--What a Dickens, is the Man berwattl'd, you
are an impudent, bold Rogue, and I'll call my Mother: Besides, the fear of
Scandal makes your great Ladies preserve a foolish kind of Virtue, their
Principles wou'd fain get rid of.
Sir _Har._ You are deceiv'd, _Collonel_, Women of Quality are above
Reputation.--Is it my Lady _Tipple-dram_'s Modesty, or the effect of
Ratifia, that gives her a high Colour in the Drawing-room?--Is my Lady
_Sluggard_'s Religion question'd, that has never been at Church since her
Baptism, or my Lady _Gamesom_'s Virtue suspected for admiring Collonel
_Sturdy_'s Regiment; both Sexes of Rank, now, use what Liberty they please
without censuring one another, and consequently despise the tattling of
Inferiours.
_Col._ Ha! what pert Fellow's this, that whisks it along in a Silk-Drugget
Suit, with the empty Air of a Fop Mercer, or a Judge's Train-bearer?
Sir _Har._ Oh! 'Tis young _Nicknack_, a Beau Merchant, his Father dy'd
lately, and left him considerably in Money, he has been bred to business,
with a Liberty of Pleasure, a little vain and affected as most young
Fellows are; but his Foppery is rather pretty and diverting than tiresome
and impertinent. For his Father obliging him still to live in the City,
and follow Business, he has turn'd Commerce into a Jest, and calls
himself, The Ladies Merchant; for he imports nothing but Squirrels,
Lap-dogs and _Guinea piggs_ to insnare the Women.
_Enter_ Nicknack.
_Nick_. Dear Sir _Harry_, I have been twice round the _Park_, in search of
you.
Sir _Har._ Mr. _Nicknack_ pray know the _Collonel_ here; an intimate
Friend o'mine just arriv'd from _Flanders_.
_Nick_. Sir, I kiss your Hands, I am glad to find for the Ladies sake, as
well as your own, you are not the least disabl'd I wou'd give Ten Guineas,
_Collonel_, to see an Engagement, cou'd one be secure from a Cannon
Bullet.
_Col_. Ten Guineas to see an Engagement; wou'd you make a show of
Desolation, and have Men kill one another to divert your Spleen? What
shou'd any one do i'the Field, that's afraid of a Cannon Bullet?
_Nic_. 'Tis not impossible, Sir, in a whole Army, to find a Person as
little dispos'd to swallow a Cannon Bullet as my self; but I shou'd have
this preference to him, as I wou'd avoid fighting, I wou'd ask no Pay.
_Col_. Ha! Wit out of _Cheapside_, I'm afraid City Credit's at a very low
Ebb.
_Nick_. Your Pardon, _Collonel_.----Sir _Harry_, have you seen Lady
_Rodomont_ this Morning? I have News for her will make her Heart caper,
as mine did at the Death of my Father. The _Bawble_ Friggat, Captain
_Gewgaw_ Commander, is just arriv'd laden with Parrots, Parrotkeits,
Monkeys, Mamosets, Leopards, Lowries, _Muscovy_-Ducks, _German_-Geese,
_Danish_-Dormice, _Portugal_-Pigs, _Hannover_-Hens, and all the Rarities
imaginable.
Sir _Har_. You are a happy Man, Mr. _Nicknack_, that have such new ways to
ingage the Ladies; if you succeed in your Addresses to Lady _Rodomont_,
from your good Fortune, all the Beaus will turn Traders, and instead of
Treats, Balls, and Serenades, we shall have Post Nights, Polices of
Insurance, Factors, Agents, and Correspondents to import Niceties for
their Mistresses.
_Col_. [_aside_] Ridiculous;----And d'you think a Lady of her Birth and
Estate wou'd Marry a City Merchant.
_Nick_. A City Merchant, _Collonel_,----We have Creatures, indeed, that
deal in Herrings from _Holland_, and Cod from _Newfoundland_; but there
are degrees in Merchandizing as well as other Professions. An Officer
o'the Guards is above a Captain o'the Train Bands; and, I hope, there's
difference between a Gentleman that Trades to the _Indies_, and Merchant
_Rag_ that sends old Cloaths to _Jamaica_; but why, _Collonel_, shou'd the
City be so much despis'd, that has so near an affinity to the Court; we
have sense to distinguish Men and Manners, Breeding to pay a Valiant
Prince homage, that ev'ry Year triumphs for his Country, and generosity to
entertain him, where many a hungry Courtier has been glad to sneak in for
a Dinner.
_Col._ [_aside_] The Fellow talks Reason, i'faith;--but prithee, Mr.
_Nicknack_, what Business can a Merchant have at this end o'the Town; for
a Man that's bred up in a Counting-House to pretend to Airs and Graces, is
as monstrously ridiculous, as a Play-House Orange-Wench with a Gold Watch
by her side.
_Nick._ Pardon me there _Collonel_; are Pleasure and Business
inconsistent, must ev'ry Citizen be a Drone, that crawls among Furr Gowns,
or a Cuckold that's preferr'd by the Common-Hall; pray tell me, what
difference is there between a Merchant of a good Education, and a
Gentleman of Two Thousand Pounds a Year, only one has Threescore Thousand
Pounds clear in his Pocket, and t'other an Estate that's mortgag'd to
Threescore People; I have a House in _Billiter-Lane_, the Air's as good as
_Pickadilly_. _Cornish_ makes my Cloaths, _Chevalier_ my Periwigs, I'm
courted ev'ry Day to subscribe for singing Opera's, and have had Fifteen
Actresses at my Levee, with their Benefit-Tickets.
Sir _Har._ But, methinks, Mr. _Nicknack_; you that have so plentiful a
Fortune, shou'd leave off Business, and reside wholly amongst Men of
Figure and Estates.
_Nick._ My Commerce, Sir _Harry_, is but in Impertinences without the
least prospect of Gain; for the old Gentleman, when with great Industry,
he had imported an Estate of Fifty Thousand Pounds, with greater Civility
exported himself into the next World and left me all. Besides, Merchandize
is but a sort of Gaming, and if I like it better than Hazard or Basset,
why should any Man quarrel with my Genius; but, Gentlemen, your Servant.
I must find out Lady _Rodomont_; for I have ingros'd the whole Ship's
Cargo to my self, as my Father us'd to do Raw-Silk, and design her the
first choice of ev'ry Thing. [_Exit._
_Col._ But what crabbed Don's this with the knavish Look of an old
plodding Conveyancer, whose Face and Profession are enough to raise the
Devil.
Sir _Har._ 'Tis Major _Bramble_, a factious, seditious old Rogue, that's
neither Whig, nor Tory, but an Enemy to his own Country; he hates the
Government, because the Government don't like him; repines at all our
Successes; and his Bosom Friends are Minters, Owlers, Pettifoggers,
Nonjurors that won't swear to the Government, and _Irish_ Evidences that
will swear to any thing.
_Enter_ Major Bramble.
Heav'n guard the Court!--What cursed Plot's now hatching, that brings the
grumbling _Major_ to the _Park_?
_Bram._ The Government, Sir _Harry_, will ne'er suspect my policy at
plotting, when I have no more sense than to trust a Wit with it; but the
Company I keep, may with wondrous ease form a Plot past your finding out.
Sir _Har._ What, cowardly Bullies, tatter'd Gam'sters, and Fellows that
have been twice transported, poor, unhappy scoundrels that disturb the
Nation to please you rich Male-Contents, and are hang'd for their reward.
_Bram._ Those Gentlemen, Sir _Harry_, you're pleas'd to term scoundrels, I
honour; he that takes sanctuary in the _Fleet_, has an immediate place in
my Heart; the Heroes of the _Mint_ are a formidable Body, magnanimously
sowse ev'ry Fellow in a Ditch that dares to infringe their Liberties; he
that's committed to _Newgate_ is in a fair way to Immortality;--He that
stands in the Pillory is exalted to a very high Station; the Observator is
my very good Friend; and he that writes the Review a Person of a most
incomparable Assurance.
_Col._ But where's the Satisfaction of admiring what's Rascally?
_Bram._ You're mistaken, Sir, Virtue's oppress'd; these are the only Men
of worth i'the Nation, and since the World's compos'd chiefly of Knaves
and Hypocrites, it behoves ev'ry honest Fellow to over-reach the World;
therefore he that runs away from his Creditors is a Man of admirable
Principles, and his Creditors are very great Rogues.
_Col._ But why d'you hate the Government, _Major_, what harm has that done
you.
_Bram._ Why, Sir, I was formerly in a very good Office, was turn'd out for
Bribery, and have had none giv'n me since, therefore while the Government
takes no notice of me, I'll take no notice of the Government.
Sir _Har._ You are a Person, _Major_, the Government ought to take notice
of, I assure you--And d'you think a Man of your Character and Conversation
qualify'd for a publick Post.
_Bram._ Certainly, Sir _Harry_, who makes a better Soldier than a
Midnight-Scourer; who proves a sharper Judge than a Serjeant that takes
Fees on both sides; or who thumps the Cushion better than he that has
thumpt all the Wives i'the Parish; therefore that am acquainted with all
you call Rogues i'the Kingdom, think my self notably qualify'd for a
_Custom-House-Officer_--but whether the Government employs us, or not, my
Companions are the happiest People i'the World; we meet ev'ry Day at a
House within the Rules of the _Fleet_, where we have fat Venison, that's
Stole out of _Windsor-Park_; _French_ Wine, that's Run i'the _Wild o'
Kent_; drink Confusion to our Arms, and talk Treason, till the Vintner
crys, _Huzza, Drawer bring in my Bottle_. And there are of our Club, Four
Broken-Officers, Six Suborning-Attorneys, a Disaffected-Cobler, Two
Highway-Men, and Eleven _Jacobite_, Outlaw'd-Parsons.
Sir _Har._ If you are such an Enemy to your native Country, why don't you
course the World, and please your self.
_Bram._ Thank you, Sir _Harry_, but tho' things don't go as I'd have them,
of all Countries, I like _England_ the best, for 'tis the only Kingdom in
the World that suffers Faction; where one may write Libels, affront the
Ministry, deride the Laws, and set the whole Nation together by the Ears--
but whilst I am idle, mighty Matters are at a stand; in short, my Business
here is to make my Addresses to Lady _Rodomont_, who having lately seen
_Italy_ and _France_, like a true Woman, is return'd with a most horrid
Contempt of her own Country, and may like my Principles better than the
flutt'ring Airs of you Town-Sparks--afterwards, Gentlemen, I shall be
proud of both your Companies to dine in the _Press-Yard_, in _Newgate_,
with sev'ral very ingenious Persons, that coin better than they do i'the
_Tower_. [_Exit._
_Col_. So, Lady _Rodomont_'s the Cry--How Divine a Creature is a Woman
that has Six thousand a Year; the Town's quite mad after her.
Sir _Har_. And such an Estate's enough to make her mad; Women are too
sanguine for such mighty Fortune; Ten thousand Pounds touches a Lady's
Brain, but when they prove great Heiresses, they're--
_Col_. Oh! stark Staring, Raving! and we ought to have the Custody of em.
Sir _Har_. Let's move towards the Court, _Collonel_, where we shall meet
her sailing down the _Mall_, and the Fops after her, with all the Pride of
a First-Rate Man of War, that's convoying a few petty Merchant-Ships to
the _West-Indies_.
_Enter_ Shrimp _with a Letter_.
Sir _Har_. [reads.] _By the next return of the Waggon you will receive
Master_ Totty, _who was nineteen Years last Grass, with a Box of
_Shrewsbury-Cakes, _and a Simnel: His Grand-Mother desires you will put
him Clerk to some honest Attorney, if it be possible to find one, and the
Child be fit for it, or to what else the Child shall be fit for; but if
you find him fit for nothing, that you'll return him with great Care to
his Grand-Mother again. He is free from ev'ry Vice, having always lain
with his Grand-Mother, gone no where but to visit old Ladies with his
Grand-Mother, and has never been out of his Grand-Mother's sight, since he
was six Weeks old_--What a Pox do the Women send me their Fool to educate,
they may as well send me their Heads to dress; but I shall leave him to my
Servant; a Town Valet's Tutor and Companion good enough for a Country
'Squire--_Shrimp_, go to the _Saracen's-Head-Inn_, enquire for Master
_Totty_, a Man-Child, of nineteen Years of Age, and carry him to my
Lodgings. [_Exeunt_.
_Enter Lady_ Toss-up, _and Mrs_. Flimsy.
La. _Toss_. Lord, _Flimsy_! was there ever an Assurance like my Lady
_Rodomont_'s, to engross all the Fellows to her self.
_Flim_. For that matter, Madam, I cou'd dispence with 'em all, and as many
more; but a Lady that declares against Marriage, to suffer such a Train of
_Beaus_, shews her self superlatively Vain-glorious.
La. _Toss_. A vertuous Woman, that declares against Marriage, may as well
declare against Eating and Drinking; all Women have Inclinations to Love;
besides, _Flimsy_, Marriage is an Ordinance, and to declare against it, I
take to be a very wicked thing; but if she has made a Vow of Chastity, she
might release her Admirers to those Ladies that are willing the World
shou'd continue peopl'd. My Lady _Love-gang_ swears she'll go live in
_Scotland_ about it; my Lady _Dandler_ lays it so to Heart, I'm afraid
she'll be silly; for my part, I bear it--not so patiently as Folks think.
_Flim_. They say, Madam, she has depriv'd you of some particular Lovers;
I'd arrest her for 'em.
La. _Toss_. Sir _Harry Sprightly_ I have danc'd with; Brigadier _Blenheim_
too has handed me out of the Box, but when Lady _Rodomont_ arriv'd, they
both flew from me like a parcel of Fortune-hunters from a reputed
City-Heiress, when her Father breaks, and can give her nothing.
_Flim_. Here she comes, surrounded with _Beaus_, and I warrant, thinks her
self as good as the Queen; if I were the Queen, I'd have her taken up for
thinking so. Pray Madam affront her.
_Enter Lady_ Rodomont, _and Mrs_. Lovejoy, _follow'd by Sir_ Harry,
_Collonel_ Blenheim, _Mr_. Nicknack, _Major_ Bramble, _several Fops
and Footmen_.
La. _Rod_. Dear _Messieurs_! give me Breath: Not but a Croud of Beaus are
very acceptable; but to press upon one too hard, is like a new Monarch
just seated on the Throne, that's stifl'd with Court Cringes--Don't you
think, Sir _Harry_, the _Italians_ that approach us at more distance, show
greater Veneration and Respect.
Sir _Har_. Ladies in their High-Noon of labour'd Garniture,
Are pleas'd, when we admire 'em like the Sun,
Whom none directly looks at,
But in the Ev'ning, as the Sun goes down,
They're better pleas'd we shou'd approach 'em nearer.
La. _Rod._ O you malicious Creature! That Censure's from the Freedoms of
the _French_: A Traveller shou'd humour Countries, Customs; in _Spain_, a
modest Woman hides her Face; in _France_ we shift our selves before our
Valets; nay, shou'd much greater Freedoms there be practis'd, none but an
_English_ Clown suspects our Vertue--_Collonel_, you're welcome to
_England_; you have distinguish'd your self nobly this Campaign; I hear at
_Audenard_ you acted Wonders.
_Col._ Madam, When Kings command their Subjects to the Field,
The Swords our Calling, and we fight for pay,
And lengthen out a War to raise Estates;
But when a Queen, whose matchless Virtue fires us,
And whose obliging Goodness courts our Valour,
We march with Pride, and unresisted Force,
To spread the Empire of so bright a Mistress.
La. _Rod._ I find, _Collonel_, an _English_ Officer may be perfectly
well-bred, but I attribute it to your success in War; you have taken most
of the _French_ Officers Prisoners, whose Conversation has refin'd your
Manners.
_Col._ 'Tis granted, Madam, their Conversation's wondrous _Degaugée_--
we'll take 'em to refine us ev'ry Year.
La. _Rod._ Sir _Harry_, what Diversions are a-foot; but _England_ is so
phlegmatick a Climate, no Carnivals, nor Midnight-Masquerades, but Two and
fifty Days lost ev'ry Year for want of Balls and Operas on a _Sunday_.
Sir _Har._ Our Nation, Madam's so far gone in Parties,
That Faction's even carry'd to Diversions,
One Party strives for Sense, and t'other Sound;
The _Major_ here, I think opposes both.
_Bram._ So I do--What signifies a Comedy of Fools; han't we the Courts
of _Westminster_ to divert us; and your Tragedies, where Kings and
Emperors are murder'd; in a quarter of an Hour after they are at
_Buxton's_ Coffee-House, playing at _All-Fours_; then your Singing-Op'ras,
I hate your _Italian_ Squaling, like a Woman in Labour; and 'fore-gad,
Madam, 'tis a most miraculous thing to me, that a Lady of your Experience,
who has travers'd the World, and ought to know Nature in a wonderful
Perfection, shou'd admire an Eunuch.
La. _Rod._ You shou'd have liv'd in former Ages, _Major_, when odious
Tilts and Tournaments were in Vogue; our Pleasures are too curious for
your Taste, I fancy the _Bear-Garden_ suits your Genius mightily.
_Bram._ Ay, Madam, there's Celestial Sport and Pastime; the Musick of the
Dogs, the Harmony o' the Butchers, to see, a Mastiff tear a Bull by the
Throat, the Bull once wounded, goring o'er the Ground, cants a fat Woman
higher than the _Monument_--I love Reality in my Diversions; but at a
_Play-House_ I never laugh'd but once, and that was at a most agreeable
Noise the Footmen made in the Upper-Gall'ry.
La. _Rod._ Savage Creature!
_Nick._ Your brutish Temper, _Major_, wou'd make one fancy you were born
in _Greenland_, and suckl'd by a _Wolf_.
_Bram._ Better be suckl'd in _Greenland_ than in _Essex_; a _Wolf's_ a
nobler Creature than a _Calf_; for now young Fellows are so nicely bred,
so fondl'd, and so furbelow'd with Follies, they scarce retain the Species
of a Man; for my part, I have Magick in my Looks, I have frighted a
High-Priest into Quakerism; converted a _Jew_ to no Religion at all, and
possess'd Squire _Lacy_ with a Spirit of Prophetick Lying; I can turn a
Justice of Peace into a _Jack-Daw_, a Citizen into any tame kind of Beast,
and an old fadling Judge into a fidgetting Dry-Nurse--But I find, Madam,
you are got into a Beau-Chat, where my rough Language is as disagreeable,
as martial Musick at _White_'s Chocolate-House; tho', were I a Lady of a
great Estate, I'd show as great Sagacity in despising the Fops, and think
my Fortune prodigiously repaid in the Affections of so renown'd a Person
as _Major-Bramble_. [_Exit._
_All._ Ha, ha, ha.
La. _Rod._ Oh Mr. _Nicknack_! I hear the _Bauble-Frigot_'s in the River,
I'm on Tip-toes to see what's imported: Are the Catalogues out yet?
_Nick._ Your Ladyship is set down for the whole Cargo, to select where you
please, tho' the Ladies teize me as much for new Fancies, as your good for
nothing Actresses do a Poet for Parts, at the disposal of a new Comedy;
and I protest Madam, I find it as difficult to get Goods fast enough, as a
Woman that Lies in ev'ry Year does to get God-fathers.
La. _Rod_. Pray, Mr. _Nicknack,_ what Demands have the Ladies made on you.
_Nick_ My Lady _Swine-love_ has bespoke a Dozen of _Bermudas_ Pigs; my
Lady _Noisy_ a screaming Parrot; my Lady _Squelch_ a _Dutch_ Mastiff; my
Lady _Hoyden-tail_ a Cat o' Mountain; Mrs. _Tireman_ a large Baboon, and
Mrs. _Lick-it_ an _Italian_ Greyhound.
La. _Rod_. You have an infallible Snare for our Sex; but I wonder, Mr.
_Nicknack,_ how so refin'd a Merchant as you, can endure the smoaky
Coffee-Houses, and the dirty _Exchange_.
_Nick_. Madam, I use _Robin's_, as nice a Coffee-House as _Tom's_,
where no Smoaking's allow'd, but a little _Betony_ or _Colt's-foot_ to
a few Hundred thousand Pound Men; as for the _Change_, I must own,
_Dutch_-Shapes, and _Jew_-Faces are not so agreeable to look at, as the
Beauties at _Hampton-Court_; and I wonder the better sort of Merchants
don't walk above Stairs, that in a dead time o' Business, when we have
little to employ our Thoughts, we may divert our Opticks with the pretty
Sempstresses.
Sir _Har_. When Business is at an ebb, what occasion have you to be there.
_Nick_. Only the Hopes of bubling you Beau-Baronets, that come thither to
show your Equipage, and laugh at Men of Business, where we invite you to
Dinner at _Pontack's_, drink heartily about, and then draw you in for a
thousand Guineas on some publick Wager,--Tho' really the greatest
Misfortune that attends a Merchant is an indispensable Necessity of being
ev'ry Day at Change; for shou'd the least Ill-news happen, and a Merchant
absent, whip, they protest his Bills, report he's in _Holland_, when, poor
Soul, he's gone no farther than to the _Saturday's_ Club at _Black-heath_
Bowling-Green.
L. _Rod_. I think you have Travell'd tho', Mr. _Nicknack_.
_Nick_. To _Leghorne_ and _Smirna_, Madam, instead of _France_ and
_Italy_, where I had like to have had a Scimiter in my Guts, by an
impotent old Turk, that spy'd me glancing at his Wife, when he had a
hundred and fifty besides, and was past the use of one of 'em.
_Col._ Were you never at _Virginia_ and _Barbadoes_?
_Nick._ _Virginia_ and _Barbadoes_, Collonel, I never did any thing to
deserve Transportation; perhaps, when the War's over, some of your Livery
that have been us'd to Plundering abroad, and can't leave it off here, may
after a Ride or two to _Finchly Common_ have occasion to visit the
Plantations. I own I have Correspondents at _Barbadoes_, now and then, to
import a little Citron Water for Ladies that have a Coldness at their
Stomach, and a Parcel of _Oroonoko_ Tobacco, to oblige some West Country
Countesses.
L. _Rod._ Is not that my Lady _Toss-up?_ I shou'd hardly have known her,
but by her down-right English Air--why no body minds her--Sir _Harry_,
give the Lady a Pinch of sweet Snuff.--[_Aside_.] She's horridly concern'd
at my Attractions, yet too proud to shew it, and looks as disconsolately
gay, as a Maid of Thirty at the Wedding of her youngest Sister; how I love
to mortify these Creatures.
L. _Toss._ [_Advancing to Lady_ Rodomont] I find, Madam, by your
Ladyship's
Appearance and Conversation you have been a very great Traveller.
L. _Rod_. By your Ladyship's Appearance, I find you're a very great
Stranger both to Conversation, and your own Country.
L. _Toss_. Is Travel, Madam, essential to a Lady's Education, or does it
only serve to heigthen her Assurance?
L. _Rot_. Some Ladies, Madam, are so plentifully stock'd by Nature, they
want neither Art nor Travel to improve it.
L. _Toss_. Tis much then your Ladyship shou'd encourage Art or Travel,
where Nature has bestow'd the largest Share, but I wonder not a Lady
shou'd be so studious to accomplish her self who so fondly permits a Crowd
of Followers.
L. _Rod_. A Lady, Madam, is seldom concern'd at another's Followers, but
when she laments the loss of 'em her self, and if the Fops that flutter
about me, give you any Disorder, I can easily resign 'em to your Ladyship.
L. _Toss_. By no means, Madam, that wou'd be to rob your Ladyship's Cozen,
there, who is equally entitul'd to your Cast off Lovers, and your old
Cloths.
Mrs. _Lov_. Her Ladyship's Cozen, Madam, wou'd no more accept of any
Lady's old Cloths, than of your Ladyship's Face.
L. _Toss_. Nay, Madam, if her Ladyship's a'ground, your Face may put both
Sexes out o'Countenance. [_Exeunt Lady_ Toss-up, _and Mrs._ Flimsy.
L. Rod. _Tho' minor Beauties at a_ Venus _rave,
Spight her the more, the more her Charms inslave;
As 'mongst the Stars the Moon maintains her Place,
She Bridles in her Air, and Triumphs in her Face._
The End of the Second ACT.