"Make no enemies; he is insignificant indeed that can do thee no harm."
LACON.
"Well," says Mrs. Arnold, with an inquiring look, as she was preparing
to leave me for the night, "was I right, or do you feel sorry you
followed my advice?"
"Ah! no, indeed!" I exclaimed; "it's all right now! I can see all
through it, and I am so much happier!" and I took her hand
affectionately as she left me.
It was all right, or nearly so. I had found, after the first
awkwardness, that it was very easy to tell Mr. Shenstone things that I
had never supposed I could tell to any one; there was something in his
manner that divested one of all fear and shyness, and suggested only the
interest and earnestness of one whose highest desire it was, to set
forward in the right way, all who were faltering and uncertain. He made
my duty very clear, and gave me many simple suggestions that I wondered
I had never thought of before. He then told me what it seemed to him I
ought to do, in the matter of remedying the mischief I had caused.
Acknowledging my fault to Mrs. Roberts in person, was a very
humiliating, but a very wholesome mortification, and one which he
unhesitatingly recommended. And the restoration to her of a dress
equally as valuable as the one she had lost, was also his advice, and,
if it shortened uncomfortably my already rather scanty supply of
pocket-money, so much the better lesson it would be. He would himself
undertake acquainting Mr. Rutledge with the circumstances, and
representing them in the most favorable light. About the miniature I had
just begun to tell him, intending to say as much as I could without
implicating Kitty, when a knock at the door interrupted us, and "the
doctor" was announced. His visit was not quite as trying as it had been
in the morning, owing to the increased stock of patience and good
resolutions I had been laying in since then; and indeed, they continued
to influence my endurance of him during the daily visits that he
inflicted on me while I remained at the Parsonage. I had had so much of
the effects of willfulness, that I determined never to be self-willed
again, and not so much as to ask him when I might go back to Rutledge;
and he, for his part, seemed determined not to volunteer the permission
till I should ask for it.
But the matter at last was settled by Mr. Shenstone, who came up one
morning while the doctor was with me, and said he had just received a
note from Mr. Rutledge, saying that from the account the doctor had
given him of me, he should fancy I was well enough to come back, and if
the doctor's permission could be obtained, he would send the carriage
for me that afternoon at four o'clock. I looked at the doctor with
breathless interest; the doctor looked at me with searching curiosity,
while he said, as slowly as the occasion permitted, and with as long a
preface, and as protracted an utterance as he could command:
"I should be most unwilling to be the cause of disappointing Mr.
Rutledge, or of occasioning any vexation to the young lady, by denying
the permission that Mr. Rutledge seems to expect and desire; though I am
certain, he has no intention of influencing my decision against my
better judgment, or of inducing me to say anything, that in my capacity
of medical adviser, would involve any departure from strict veracity and
prudence. I am aware that it is often difficult for a disinterested
party to resist the reasonable and natural desires of those whose
judgments are warped by their wishes, and that the only reward the
conscientious physician gets, in such cases, is the aversion and
coldness of those whose good he is most interested in. In this case,
however, I am certain, that from the well-known good sense and sagacity
of Mr. Rutledge, and the _unquestioned amiability_ of the young lady, I
should have nothing to fear."
"Then," said Mr. Shenstone, kindly, evidently seeing my anxiety, and
wishing to put an end to it, "then you do not consider it desirable to
allow the change?"
"I am not prepared to say so, entirely," he answered; "I was going on to
remark, that I should not have allowed any of the considerations I
mentioned to influence me, had I really deemed it imprudent for the
young lady to leave her present residence. But, considering her rapid
convalescence, and the mildness of the day, and the care I am certain
will be taken to make the drive an easy one, and the harm which a
disappointment might occasion her, I think I am justified in according
my consent to Mr. Rutledge's arrangement."
I don't think I could have endured a minute more of this kind of
suspense, and probably the doctor knew this, and so brought his
discourse to a termination, after having tried my nerves as long, and
given me as many cuts, as he considered me capable of enduring. I began
to suspect, indeed, that he had perceived my aversion to him, and that
in a quiet and unostentatious manner, he returned the sentiment, and
would lose no occasion of letting me benefit by it. This was mere
conjecture, however, for the doctor's manner was as assiduously polite,
as blandly gallant as ever. And indeed, his anxious interest would not
suffer him to allow me to go unattended to Rutledge; but at four
o'clock, when I was bidding adieu to Mr. Shenstone, and being seated
comfortably in the carriage by Mrs. Arnold and Kitty, the sorrel horse
and shiny gig drew up beside us, and in an _empressé_ manner, the doctor
sprang out, and in his own person superintended the arrangements for my
comfort, and declared that he should not feel quite easy till he had
seen me safe at Rutledge; and for that purpose, as well as that of
paying a professional visit to the master of it, he should drive on, and
be there to receive us. An unconscious tinge of hauteur was all, in my
manner, that escaped of the vexation I felt at the announcement.
His presence altered very much my conduct at leaving the Parsonage. If
he had not been there, I am sure I should have managed to tell Mr.
Shenstone something of the gratitude I felt for the unmerited interest
in, and kindness toward me, that he had shown; as it was, I could only
look down, and appear unspeakably awkward, at his kind expressions of
affection and regret, as he said good bye. And, instead of throwing my
arms around Mrs. Arnold's neck, as I wanted to do, and telling her I was
fonder of her than of almost anybody else in the world, and that I
should never forget her care and goodness, I could only, with that man
looking on, give her my hand, and say something unintelligibly about
coming to see her again before I went away. The carriage started, and
the gig first followed, then passed it, and by the time we reached the
gate, the sorrel horse was standing before the door, and the sorrel
driver thereof waiting for us, in company with Mr. Rutledge on the
steps.
"Now Kitty," I said, as we drove into the park, "now Kitty, keep your
courage up. Mr. Shenstone says he has seen Mr. Rutledge, and he has
promised to excuse you; all you have got to do is to make an apology to
Mrs. Roberts, and that's nothing! Why, I've got to do the same thing,
and you'll see how brave I'll be about it."
Kitty shook her head dejectedly. "I never hated to do anything more."
And here the carriage stopped, and Mr. Rutledge and the doctor came down
to it. "Ah," said the former, kindly, "you have come back at last. I did
not know whether the doctor and Mrs. Arnold ever meant to let you return
to Rutledge."
His tone was kind--but--what more did I want? I did not dare to look up;
I felt Dr. Hugh's eyes on my face, and murmuring some broken commonplace
about being happy to be back again, hurried up the steps and into the
house, Kitty following with my shawls and packages. At the head of the
stairs, I stopped till she overtook me, and telling her hastily that I
was going immediately to Mrs. Roberts, and she must give me the package
that contained the dress, and be ready to go in, and make her apology as
soon as I came out, I left her, and crossed over to the door of Mrs.
Roberts' room.
It was a mean and cowardly thing to hope, no doubt, but I did,
notwithstanding, most ardently desire that it might so happen that the
housekeeper was not in her room, and that I might have a brief respite
before the dreadful penance was undertaken, and in that hope I gave an
undemonstrative knock, to which Mrs. Roberts' voice responded promptly,
"Come in." Coming in was an easy part of it; walking up to her and
saying, "How are you?" was easy too; and remarking, "I am better, thank
you," was the easiest of all. But after that! Standing blankly before
that rigid black bombazine figure, whose bluish lips were obstinately
compressed, and whose unsympathetic eyes were regarding me inquiringly,
it was anything but easy to say what I had come to say--it was anything
but pleasant to remember I was to be humble. But there was no help for
it. I gulped down my pride and aversion, and simply and honestly told my
story, making every allowance truth would permit me for Kitty, putting
all the blame that was possible on myself, making no cowardly excuses,
and no submissive apologies, but telling a very straightforward and
honest story, in a very downright and unequivocal manner, and winding up
with a request that she would consider that I regretted my share in the
business, and was desirous of making her every amend for the annoyance
and inconvenience I had occasioned her. No other course could have been
as well calculated to mollify Mrs. Roberts; any undue humility would
have aroused her suspicions--the least attempt to conciliate her would
have settled her in her aversion--the smallest parade of penitence she
would have stigmatized as hypocrisy; but as it was, she was met on her
own ground, and could do nothing but yield, in an ungracious manner, an
ungracious acknowledgment of my honesty and sincerity, and a promise to
consider the offence atoned for. I put the package down on the table,
telling her what it contained, and again recommending Kitty to her
mercy, turned and left the room.
I found that young person awaiting me in an unenviable state of mind. I
told her I should never have the least respect for her again, if she
lost her courage now, and then I talked to her a little _à la_
Shenstone, and then rallied her a little _à la_ myself, and finally sent
her off, quite staunch again, to meet her offended mistress, while I
employed the time in taking off my bonnet and cloak, and arranging the
different articles that I had brought back, in the drawers.
Despite my attempts at nonchalance, I felt a little unhappy. I did not
yet know how far Mr. Rutledge had put me out of the place I had held in
his regard, since he knew of my fault, and I could not feel quite at
ease till I heard my pardon from his own lips.
At last Kitty returned, looking a little pale and agitated, but
acknowledging that, on the whole, she was glad she had gone. The
interview had been, it appeared, rather a stirring one, but Kitty had
kept her temper, and Mrs. Roberts had, at last, after expending her
wrath upon an unresisting subject, come to terms, and the curtain had
dropped upon comparative tranquillity. Then I told Kitty we must have
done with deceits, little and great, and related how near I had come to
telling Mr. Shenstone about the miniature, and that I meant to tell him
the very first chance, or else Mr. Rutledge. But Kitty fell into such an
ecstasy of terror, and with such vehement tears and entreaties besought
me never to expose her, and promised such eternal devotion to truth
henceforth, if I would only spare her that insupportable mortification
and disgrace, that at last I yielded, and, to my own sorrow, promised to
hazard no attempt to clear up that mystery, and to make no confessions
to any one in regard to it.
After dressing my hair and arranging the room, Kitty left me, and I sat
down in my favorite seat in the bay window, with the double purpose of
whiling away the time and watching for the doctor's departure. But that
devoutly wished consummation did not crown my waiting; moment after
moment passed, and still the doctor tarried, and at last Thomas came out
and led the sorrel horse away to the stable.
"That man's going to stay to tea, I know," I ejaculated, indignantly.
"I've a great mind not to go downstairs."
The unremunerative policy, however, of spiting myself, had early been
impressed on me, and I wisely abandoned all thought of pursuing it, and
reconciled myself to the trial with all possible heroism. I should not
go down till the last minute. That was all the indignation I should
indulge in.
Twilight was descending fast; the afternoon had not been a bright one,
and contrary to the nature of such things, was particularly short-lived.
There was a light streak around the horizon, that suggested to the
weather-wise the idea of snow impending; above, and all over the rest of
the sky, there was nothing to relieve the dull grey hue. The line of
light grew narrower and narrower, the cold grey shroud settled down
lower and heavier, the lake and lawn grew more and more indistinct, the
shadows thickened within, the darkness increased without, and
imperceptibly night stole over us, and still I sat dreamily by the
window, picturing to myself for the hundredth time, and as I did at all
dreamy moments, Rutledge as it used to be--the halls filled with
servants, the rooms with guests; carriages rolling to the door; music
and laughter echoing through the house; Alice lovely and admired;
Richard, with his refined, aristocratic face; and the young Arthur, as
the sketch he gave me, had recorded him. Then I joined to this links
that I had caught from Mrs. Arnold's broken story; the flight, the
dreary exile in a foreign land, and death finishing a career that infamy
and shame had branded. But what had Mr. Shenstone to do with it all?
Perhaps he had loved Alice; perhaps it was the loss of her that was the
terrible trial of which he had spoken to Mr. Rutledge when I was lying
half unconscious in the study. Then I tried to put together more of what
I had then heard; but the more I pondered, the more confused and
indistinct it all grew, and ended by bringing up, in all its perplexity,
the tormenting mystery of the lost miniature. Why must I be so baffled
about that? Why had I put it out of my power, by my promise to Kitty, to
go to Mr. Rutledge honestly, and tell him the story, and ask him to help
me to discover who had taken it, and so rid my fancy of the hateful idea
that Kitty had suggested, which, do what I would, had come, between
sleeping and waking, every time I had closed my eyes since she had told
me of it. In the dead of night, the cold hand upon my bosom would wake
me with a start; I would reason away the fright, and try to sleep again,
but as soon as unconsciousness would come, the chilling horror would
come too, and startle me into sleepless watching.
I despised myself for the folly; but I had begun to hate the darkness.
Even now, the dusky thickening twilight, with its creeping shadows, made
me nervous; a chill seemed to strike to my very heart, and I caught
myself starting at every sound, and trembling at every flicker of the
dying firelight.
Under these circumstances, the hour that intervened between the closing
in of twilight and the ringing of the tea-bell, could not fail to be a
very long and uncomfortable one, and the promptness with which I hurried
down at the summons, attested my preference for social hours and habits
over solitude and contemplation.