crying of room! room! room! After waiting a little time, what should be
coming but a drove of sessions folk, the devils carrying six lumps of
justices and a thousand of their fry--consisting of lawyers, attornies,
clerks, recorders, bailiffs, catchpoles, and pettifoggers of the courts.
I was surprised that none of them attempted to cross-question; but they
perceived that the matter was gone against them too far, and so, not one
of these learned disputers opened his mouth; only a pettifogger of the
courts said, that he would lay a plaint of false imprisonment against
Lucifer. "You shall now have cause enough to complain," said the Fiend,
"and yet never have an opportunity of seeing a court with your eyes."
Then, putting on his red cap, Lucifer, with an arrogant, insufferable
look, said, "take the justices to the dungeon of Pontius Pilate and Mr.
Bradshaw, who condemned king Charles. Parch the lawyers in company with
the murderers of Sir Edmund Bury Godfrey, {100} and their double-tongued
brethren, who dispute with one another, for no other purpose than to be
the ruin of any one who comes betwixt them. Let them greet that
provident lawyer--for they will find him here--who offered on his death
bed a thousand pounds for a clear conscience. Let them greet him, and
ask, whether he is now willing to give any thing more. Roast them with
their own parchment and papers; hang the pettifoggers above them, with
their nostrils downwards, in the roasting chimneys, to receive the smoke,
and to see whether they can get their belly-full of law. As for the
recorders, let them be cast among the forestallers, who detain the corn
or buy it up and mix it, and then sell the unsound for double the price
of the pure corn; just as the former demand double the fees for _wrong_,
which were formerly given for _right_. As for the catchpoles, leave them
at liberty to hunt vermin; or send them to the world, among the dingles
and brakes, to seize the debtors of the infernal crown--for what devil
among you will do the work better than they?" At this moment twenty
devils with packs on their shoulders, like Scotchmen, mounted before the
throne of Despair, and what had they got, on enquiry, but gipsies. "Ho!"
said Lucifer, "how did ye know the fortunes of others so well, without
knowing that your own fortune was leading ye to this prison." But the
gipsies said not a word in reply, being confounded at beholding faces
here more ugly than their own. "Hurl them into our deepest dungeon,"
said Lucifer, to the fiends, "and don't starve them; we have here neither
cats nor rush-lights to give them, but let them have a toad between them,
every ten thousand years, provided they are quiet, and do not deafen us
with their gibberish and clibberty clabber." Next to these there came, I
should imagine, about thirty husbandmen. Every one was surprised to see
so many of them, people of their honest calling seldom coming to Hell;
but they were not from the same neighbourhood, nor for the same offences.
Some were for raising the markets; many for refusing to pay tithes, and
cheating the minister of his rights; others for leaving their work, to
follow gentry a hunting, and breaking their legs in endeavouring to leap
with them; some for working on Sundays; some for carrying their sheep and
cattle, in their heads to church, instead of musing on the Word; others
for roguish bargains. When Lucifer began to question them, oh! they were
all as pure as gold; none was aware of having committed any thing which
deserved such a lot. You will not believe what a crafty excuse every one
had to conceal his fault, notwithstanding he was in Hell on account of
it, and this was only done out of malice, to thwart Lucifer and to
endeavour to make the righteous Judge, who had damned them appear unjust.
But you would have been yet more surprised at the dexterity with which
the Arch Fiend laid bare their crimes, and answered their vain excuses
home. But when these were receiving the last infernal sentence, there
came forty scholars before the court, mounted on capering devils, more
ugly, if possible, than Lucifer himself. And when the scholars heard the
husbandmen arguing, they began to excuse themselves the more confidently.
But, oh! how ready the old Serpent was at answering them too,
notwithstanding their craft, and their learning.
But as it was my fortune to hear similar disputations at another
tribunal, I will there give the history of the whole, in one mass; and
will at present relate to you what I next saw. Scarcely had Lucifer
uttered judgment upon these people, and sent them, for the cool
impertinence of their reasons, to the vast sheet, in the country of the
eternal ice, the teeth of the wretches beginning to chatter before they
saw their prison, when Hell began once more, to resound awfully with
terrible blows, harsh blustering thunders, and every sound of war. I
could see Lucifer turn black, and become like a statue; at this moment,
in rushed a little crooked, horned devil, panting and shivering. "What
is the matter?" said Lucifer. "The most perilous to you of all matters
since Hell has been Hell," said the imp; "all the extremes of the kingdom
of Darkness, have broken out against you, and against one another;
particularly those who had any old field in common. They are now at it,
tooth and nail, so that it is impossible to tear them from each other.
"The soldiers are at loggerheads with the physicians, for carrying on
their trade of slaughter; there is a swarm of usurers at loggerheads with
the lawyers, for seeking to spoil their trade; the jurymen and the
duffers are pummelling the gentlemen, for swearing and cursing without
necessity; whereas, swearing and cursing formed part of their trade; the
harlots, and their associates, and millions of other old friends and
acquaintances, have fallen out, and are all in shatters.
"But worse than all, is the contest between the old misers and their own
children, for dissipating their wealth and their money. 'Our property,'
say the pigtails, 'cost us much pain, whilst we were upon the earth, and
is causing us immense suffering _here_ for ever, yet ye have flung it all
away at ducks and drakes.' And the children, on the other hand, are
cursing and tearing the old skin-flints, most furiously, charging their
fathers with being the authors of their misery, by leaving them twenty
times _too much_, to distract them with pride and dissipation; whereas, a
_little_, with a blessing, might have made them happy in both their
states of existence." "Well," said Lucifer, "enough! enough! we have
more need of arms than words. Sirrah, this hubbub is owing to some great
neglect; go back, and pry into every watch, and discover who has been
neglectful; and what dangerous characters have been permitted to escape,
for there are some evils abroad, that are not known." Away he went, at
the word, and in the meanwhile, Lucifer and his potentates arose in
terror, and exceeding consternation, and caused the boldest bands of the
black angels to be assembled. When these were marshalled, he put himself
at the head of his own peculiar band, and marched forth to quell the
insurrection, whilst the potentates went other ways with their legions.
Before the royal troop had gone any great distance, gleaming like the
lightning of the black abodes, (and we behind them,) behold the hubbub
advanced to meet them. "Silence, in the name of the king," said a
fiendish herald. There was no hearing; it was easier to tear the old
crocodile from his prey than one of these.
But when the old tried soldiers of Lucifer broke into the midst of them,
the buzzing, the butting, and the blows began to slacken. "Silence, in
the name of Lucifer," said the hoarse cryer again. "What is the matter?"
said the king; "and who are these?" "There is nothing particularly the
matter," was the answer; "but the drovers, happening in the general
commotion to come in contact with the cuckolds, they went mutually to
butting, to try whose horns were hardest; and this butting might have
gone on for ever, if your horned champions had not interfered." "Well,"
said Lucifer, "since you are all so ready with your arms, turn along with
me to quell other rioters." But when it was buzzed about among the other
rebels, that Lucifer was coming with three horned legions against them,
each slunk away to his lair.
Thus Lucifer advanced without opposition, along the wildernesses of
Destruction, endeavouring to ascertain what was the commencement of the
disturbance, but could obtain no information. After a little time,
however, one of the spies of the king returned, quite out of breath. "O
most noble Lucifer!" said he, "prince Moloch has quieted part of the
North and has scattered thousands over the sheets of ice; but three or
four terrible evils are still out on the wind." "Who are they?" said
Lucifer. "_Slanderer_, and _Meddler_, and _Litigious Pettifogger_," said
he, "have broken their prisons and are at liberty." "Then it would be no
wonder," said the Arch Fiend, "if there should be yet more disturbance."
At this moment there came another, who had been on the look-out towards
the South, with the information that the evil had begun to break out
there; but that three had been taken, who had previously turned every
thing topsy-turvy in the West, and these three were _Madam Bouncer_,
_Contriver_, and_ Coxcomb_. "Well," said Satan, who was standing next
but one to Lucifer, "since I tempted Adam from his garden, I have never
yet seen from his seed, so many evils out upon one piece of business.
"Bouncer, Coxcomb, and Contriver on the one side," he added, "and on the
other Slanderer, Pettifogger, and Meddler are a compound, enough to make
a thousand devils sweat their bowels out." "It is no wonder," said
Lucifer, "that they are so detested by every body on earth, when they are
able to cause us so much trouble here." A little farther on, a great
bouncing lady struck against the king, as she was moving backwards. "Ho!
my aunt of the breeches," said a hoarse devil, "good night to you." "Yes,
your aunt, indeed! on what side pray?" said she, very wrathful, because
she was not called madam.
"A pretty king are you, sir Lucifer," said she, "to keep such unmannerly
blockheads; it is a sin that so large a kingdom should be under one so
incompetent to govern them. O that I were made deputy over it!" At this
moment behold the _Coxcomb_, nodding his head in the dark, "Your servant,
sir," he would say to one over his shoulder.--"I hope you are quite
well," said he to another.--"Is there any service which I can render
you," to a third, smiling conceitedly.--"Your beauty ravishes my heart,"
said he to the bouncing wench. "Oh! oh! away with this hell-dog," said
she; whilst every one cried, "away with this new tormentor! Hell upon
Hell is he!" "Bind him and her head to tail," said Lucifer.
After a little time, behold _Courts Comprised_ held betwixt two devils.
"O ho! angel of patience," said Lucifer, "are you come? Hold him fast on
your peril," said he to the satellites. Before we had advanced far,
there came the _Contriver_ and the _Slanderer_ bound betwixt forty
devils, and whispering in each others ears. "O most mighty Lucifer!"
said the _Contriver_, "I am exceedingly grieved to see so much
disturbance in your dominions, but I will teach you a way to prevent such
in future, if you will but grant me a hearing. You only need, under
pretence of a general parliament, to summon all the damned to the glowing
pandemonium, and then cause the devils to cast them headlong into the
throat of _Unknown_, and the gulf to be closed over them, and then, I
warrant you, they will give you no more trouble." "See," said Lucifer,
frowning very horribly on the _Contriver_, "the universal Meddler is
still behind." On returning again to the porch of the infernal palace,
who should come with the fairest face imaginable to meet the king but the
_Meddler_. "O my liege," said he, "I have a word for you." "Perhaps I
have one or two for you," said the Fiend. "I have been," continued the
Meddler, "over half _Destruction_, to observe how your affairs are
standing. You have many officers in the East doing nothing at all; but
sitting still instead of looking to the torments of their prisoners, or
keeping guard over them, and this has been the cause of all this great
disturbance. Besides," said he, "many of your devils, and your damned
too, whom you dispatched to the world to tempt folks, are not returned,
though their time is out; and others have arrived in a sculking manner,
and not given an account of their errands."
Then Lucifer caused the herald to proclaim another parliament; and lo!
before you could turn your hand, all the potentates and satellites were
met together, to hold the infernal sessions again. The first thing which
was done was to change the officers, and to cause a place to be made
about the throat of Unknown, for the reception of the Coxcomb, the
bouncing lady, and the rest; the two first were tied nose to nose, and
the other rioters tail to tail. Then a law was promulgated, that whoever
should henceforth neglect his duty, whether imp or lost man, should be
cast there among them until the day of judgment. At these words you
might see all the goblins--yea, Lucifer himself--tremble and look
agitated. The next thing was to call some devils and some damned to
reckoning, who had been sent to the world to hunt up recruits: the devils
gave a very good account of themselves; but some of the damned were lame
in their reckoning, and were sent to the hot school, where they were
scourged with twisted fiery serpents, for not learning their lesson
better.
"Hear my complaint," said a little informing devil. "Here is a pretty
woman when trimmed out, who was sent up to the world, to hunt subjects
for you by means of their hearts; and to whom did she offer herself, but
to a hard-working labourer coming home late from his occupation, who
instead of enjoying himself with her, went upon his knees to pray against
the Devil and his angels: at another time, she went to a sick man." "Ha!"
said Lucifer, "cast her to that lost useless wench, who loved of yore
Einion ab Gwalehmai, {108} of Anglesey." "Stay," said the fair one,
"this is but the first offence. It is not yet above a year, since the
day when I breathed my last, and was damned to your accursed government."
"She speaks true, O king of Torments! It is not yet a year by three
weeks," said the devil who had brought her there. "Therefore," said she,
"how would you have me so well versed as the damned, who have been here
for three hundred, or out abroad depredating for five hundred years. If
you desire from me better service, let me go into the world another time
or two unchastised; and if I do not bring you twenty harlot-mongers, for
every year that I am out, inflict upon me whatever punishment you
please." But the verdict went against her, and she was condemned to
punishment for a hundred long years, that she might remember better the
second time.
At this moment, behold another devil pushing a fellow forward. "Here you
have," said he, "a pretty dog of a messenger. As he was prowling about
his old neighbourhood, above stairs, the other night, he saw a thief
going to steal a stallion, and could not so much as help him to catch the
horse without showing himself, frightening the thief so by his horrible
appearance, that he took warning and became an honest man from that
time." "With the permission of the court," said the fellow, "if the
thief had got the gift from _above_ to see me, could I help it? But at
worst this is a single peccadillo," said he; "it is not above a hundred
years since the day which terminated my mortal career, yet how many of my
friends and neighbours have I not tempted hither after me, during that
time? May I be in the deepest pit, if I have not as much inclination for
the trade as the best of you; but now and then the craftiest will err."
"Here," said Lucifer, "cast him to the school of the fairies, who are yet
under the rod for their mischievous conduct of old, in strangling some
people and threatening others; startling by such behaviour their
neighbours from their heedlessness, upon whom the terror which they
caused, had probably more effect than twenty sermons would have had."
Next appeared four catchpoles, an informer, and fifteen damned, hauling
two _devils_ forward. "See," said the informer, "lest you should lay the
blame of all that is mismanaged on the seed of Adam, we bring you two of
your old angels, who have spent their time above, quite as badly as the
two preceding. Here is a fellow who has been making as great a fool of
himself, as the Devil did at Shrewsbury the other day; who, in the midst
of the interlude of Doctor Faustus, whilst some, according to the custom
on such occasions, were committing adultery with their eyes, some with
their hands, others making assignations for the same purpose, and doing
various other things profitable to your kingdom, made his appearance to
play his own part; by which blunder, he drove every one from taking his
pleasure to praying. In like manner did this numskull act; for, whilst
journeying over the world, on hearing two wenches talking of walking
round the church at night, in order to see their sweethearts, he must
needs show himself in the figure he wears at home, to the two fools, who
on recovering their senses, which at first they lost from fright,
solemnly abjured all frivolity for ever. There's a ninny-hammer for you!
Instead of appearing like a devil, he ought to have divided himself and
assumed the forms of two dirty, unlicked boors; for the girls would have
imagined themselves bound to accept them, and then the filthy goblin
might have lived as husband with the two female parties, without
troubling a clergyman to perform the marriage.
"And here is another," said he, "who went the last dark night, to visit
two young maidens in Wales, who were _turning the shift_; and instead of
enticing the girls to wantonness in the figure of a handsome youth, he
must needs go to one with a _hearse_ to sober her; and to the other with
the _sound of war_ in an infernal whirlwind, to drive her farther from
her senses than she was before, and there was no need for that. But this
is not the whole, for after going into the last girl, he cast her down
and tormented her furiously, so that her parents in horror, sent for some
of our enemies the clergy, to pray over her and cast him out, which they
did. Now, if he had been wise, instead of kicking up such a hubbub, he
would have tempted her quietly to despair, and to make away with herself.
On another time, wishing to gain some of the conventiclers, he went to
preach to them, and revealed the secrets of your kingdom; thus, instead
of hindering, assisting their salvation." At the word _salvation_, I
could see some emitting living fire for madness. "Capital stories both,
I won't deny," said the goblin; "but I hope that Lucifer will not permit
one of Adam's race of dirt, to put himself on an equality with me who am
an angel, of a species and descent far superior." "Ha!" said Lucifer,
"he may be sure of his punishment. But, sirrah, answer to these
accusations speedily and clearly, or by hopeless Destruction I will--" "I
have brought hither," said the goblin, "many a soul since Satan was in
the garden of Eden, and ought to know my trade better than this novice of
an informer." "Blood of an infernal fire-brand!" said Lucifer, "did I
not command you to answer speedily and clearly." "Do but hear me," said
the sprite. "As to preaching, by your own command I have been a hundred
times _preaching_, and have forbidden people to follow several of the
roads which lead to your territories, and yet silently, in the same
breath, have led them hither safe enough, by some other vain paths; as I
have done by preaching lately in Germany, and in one of the Faroe isles,
and various other places.
"Thus through my preaching," he continued, "have come many of the
_superstitions_ of the papists, and the _old fables_ first to the world,
and the whole under the shape of some goodness. For who ever swallows
the hook without some bait? who ever would believe a story if there were
not some measure of _truth_ mingled with the falsehood; or some semblance
of _good_ to shade the _evil_? Thus if I find an opportunity in
preaching, to push in amongst a hundred correct and salutary counsels,
one of my own, with this one I will do you, either through
_contentiousness_ or _superstition_, more advantage than all the rest of
my counsels will do you harm." "Well," said Lucifer, "since you are of
such utility in your pulpit, I order you for seven years, to take up your
abode in the mouth of one of the barn-preachers, who will be sure to
utter the first thing which comes to his tongue's end. Then you will
find an opportunity to put in a word now and then, to your own purpose."
There were still many more devils and damned who were twisting through
one another like lightning, around the throne of Terrors, to give an
account of what they had done, and again to receive commissions. But
suddenly and unexpectedly, an order was given to all the messengers and
the prisoners, to go out of the palace, every one to his hole, and to
leave the king and his chief counsellors there alone. "Had we not best
depart," said I to my companion, "lest they should find us?" "You need
not fear," said the angel "no unclean spirit will ever see through this
veil." Thus we continued there invisible, to see what was the matter.
Then Lucifer began to speak graciously to his counsellors, in this
manner:--"O ye, the chief spiritual evils!--ye, who for subtlety are
unequalled in Unknown, I request you in my need, to exert to the
uttermost your malicious wiles. No one here is unaware, that Britain and
the surrounding isles, constitute the kingdom most dangerous to my
authority, and most abounding with my enemies; and what is a hundred
times worse, there is at present there a queen, who does not offer to
turn once hitherward, either by the road of Rome on the one hand, or the
road of Geneva on the other. Notwithstanding, all the service which the
Pope has rendered us there for a long time, and Oliver for some years
past, how far are we from our object? what shall we do now? I am afraid
that we shall lose there our ancient possession, and our market entirely,
if we do not pave immediately some new way for its inhabitants to walk
in, for they know all the old roads which lead hither too well. And,
since yonder invincible fist shortens my chain, and prevents me from
going myself to the earth, counsel me, I pray you, as to whom I shall
make my deputy, to oppose yonder detestable queen, who is the deputy of
our enemy." "O mighty emperor of Darkness!" said Cerberus, the devil of
Tobacco, "make a deputy of me, from whom the crown of Britain derives the
third part of its revenue. I will go and will send to you a hundred
thousand of the souls of your enemies, through the hollow of a pipe."
"Well, well," said Lucifer, "you have done me excellent service, by
causing the proprietors of tobacco in India to be slaughtered, and those
who take it to die of diseases, and sending many to vend it idly from
house to house, and making others to steal in order to obtain it, and
thousands to love it so far, that they cannot be a day without it in
their right senses.
"Therefore go and do thy best; but, I tell thee, that thou art little
better than nothing in the present exigency." Thereupon Cerberus sat
down, and uprose Mammon, devil of Money, and with a morose sinister look
said:--"I showed men the first mine from which they got money, and
therefore, I am always extolled and worshipped more than God; men undergo
for me trouble and danger, and place their whole mind, their delight, and
their trust upon me: there is no one easy, because he has not obtained
somewhat more of my favour, and the more they obtain the farther are they
ever from rest, until at length by seeking _easy circumstances_, they
arrive at the country of Eternal Torments. How many a crafty old miser
have I not deluded hither, along paths more difficult than those which
lead to the kingdom of Happiness? At fair or market, sessions or
elections, or any other assemblage of people, who has more subjects? who
has more power and authority than I? Cursing, swearing, fighting,
litigating, plotting, deceiving, striking, hoarding, murdering and
robbing, sabbath breaking and uncharitableness, all proceed from me: and
there is no other black mark, which stamps men as belonging to the fold
of Lucifer, which I have not a hand in giving, on which account I am
called 'the root of all evil.' Therefore if it seem good to your
majesty, I will go." And having said that he sat down.
Then arose Apollyon. "I do not know," said he, "any thing that will
bring the Britons hither, more certainly than what brought
yourselves--that is _Pride_: if she ever plant her pole within them and
inflate them, there is no reason to fear that they will stoop to lift the
cross, or go through the narrow gate. I will go," said he, "with my
daughter Pride, and will cause the Welsh, by gazing on the magnificence
of the English, and the English, by imitating the frivolities of the
French, to tumble into this place before they know where they are."
Next arose Asmodeus, devil of Wantonness. "You cannot but be aware,"
said he, "O most mighty sovereign of the Abyss! and you, ye princes of
the country of Despair! how I have crammed the nooks of Hell through
debauchery and lasciviousness. What need have I to speak of the time,
when I kindled such a flame of lust in the whole world, that it was
necessary to send the flood, to clear the earth of its inhabitants, and
to sweep them to us in the unquenchable fire; or of Sodom and Gomorrah,
fair and pleasant cities, whose people I burnt with wantonness, till
their infernal lusts brought down a fiery shower, which drove them hither
alive to burn to all eternity; or of the vast army of the Assyrians,
which was slain all in one night on account of me? Sarah I disappointed
of seven husbands; Solomon, the wisest of men, and many thousand other
kings I blinded by means of women. Therefore," said he, "suffer me to go
with my _sweet sin_, and I will kindle in Britain the sparks of Hell so
universally, that it shall become one with this place of unextinguishable
flame; for there is not much chance, that any one will return from
following me, to lay hold of the paths of Life." And thereupon he sat
down.