A YOUNG GIRL'S MIND
A young girl's mind is like a wood in Spring--now a rising mist of
bluebells and flakes of dappled sunlight; now a world of still, wan,
tender saplings, weeping they know not why. Through the curling twigs of
boughs just green, its wings fly towards the stars; but the next moment
they have drooped to mope beneath the damp bushes. It is ever yearning
for and trembling at the future; in its secret places all the countless
shapes of things that are to be are taking stealthy counsel of how
to grow up without letting their gown of mystery fall. They rustle,
whisper, shriek suddenly, and as suddenly fall into a delicious silence.
From the first hazel-bush to the last may-tree it is an unending
meeting-place of young solemn things eager to find out what they are,
eager to rush forth to greet the kisses of the wind and sun, and for
ever trembling back and hiding their faces. The spirit of that wood
seems to lie with her ear close to the ground, a pale petal of a hand
curved like a shell behind it, listening for the whisper of her own
life. There she lies, white and supple, with dewy, wistful eyes,
sighing: 'What is my meaning? Ah, I am everything! Is there in all
the world a thing so wonderful as I?... Oh, I am nothing--my wings are
heavy; I faint, I die!'
When Thyme, attended by the grey girl, emerged from the abyss at the
top, her cheeks were flushed and her hands clenched. She said nothing.
The grey girl, too, was silent, with a look such as a spirit divested of
its body by long bathing in the river of reality might bend on one who
has just come to dip her head. Thyme's quick eyes saw that look, and
her colour deepened. She saw, too, the glance of the Jewish youth when
Martin joined them in the doorway.
'Two girls now,' he seemed to say. 'He goes it, this young man!'
Supper was laid in her new friend's room--pressed beef, potato salad,
stewed prunes, and ginger ale. Martin and the grey girl talked. Thyme
ate in silence, but though her eyes seemed fastened on her plate, she
saw every glance that passed between them, heard every word they said.
Those glances were not remarkable, nor were those words particularly
important, but they were spoken in tones that seemed important to Thyme.
'He never talks to me like that,' she thought.
When supper was over they went out into the streets to walk, but at the
door the grey girl gave Thyme's arm a squeeze, her cheek a swift kiss,
and turned back up the stairs.
“Aren't you coming?” shouted Martin.
Her voice was heard answering from above: “No, not tonight.”
With the back of her hand Thyme rubbed off the kiss. The two cousins
walked out amongst the traffic.
The evening was very warm and close; no breeze fanned the reeking town.
Speaking little, they wandered among endless darkening streets, whence
to return to the light and traffic of the Euston Road seemed like coming
back to Heaven. At last, close again to her new home, Thyme said: “Why
should one bother? It's all a horrible great machine, trying to blot us
out; people are like insects when you put your thumb on them and smear
them on a book. I hate--I loathe it!”
“They might as well be healthy insects while they last,” answered
Martin.
Thyme faced round at him. “I shan't sleep tonight, Martin; get out my
bicycle for me.”
Martin scrutinised her by the light of the street lamp. “All right,” he
said; “I'll come too.”
There are, say moralists, roads that lead to Hell, but it was on a road
that leads to Hampstead that the two young cyclists set forth towards
eleven o'clock. The difference between the character of the two
destinations was soon apparent, for whereas man taken in bulk had
perhaps made Hell, Hampstead had obviously been made by the upper
classes. There were trees and gardens, and instead of dark canals of sky
banked by the roofs of houses and hazed with the yellow scum of London
lights, the heavens spread out in a wide trembling pool. From that
rampart of the town, the Spaniard's Road, two plains lay exposed to left
and right; the scent of may-tree blossom had stolen up the hill; the
rising moon clung to a fir-tree bough. Over the country the far stars
presided, and sleep's dark wings were spread above the fields--silent,
scarce breathing, lay the body of the land. But to the south, where the
town, that restless head, was lying, the stars seemed to have fallen and
were sown in the thousand furrows of its great grey marsh, and from the
dark miasma of those streets there travelled up a rustle, a whisper, the
far allurement of some deathless dancer, dragging men to watch the swirl
of her black, spangled drapery, the gleam of her writhing limbs. Like
the song of the sea in a shell was the murmur of that witch of motion,
clasping to her the souls of men, drawing them down into a soul whom
none had ever known to rest.
Above the two young cousins, scudding along that ridge between the
country and the town, three thin white clouds trailed slowly towards the
west-like tired seabirds drifting exhausted far out from land on a sea
blue to blackness with unfathomable depth.
For an hour those two rode silently into the country.
“Have we come far enough?” Martin said at last.
Thyme shook her head. A long, steep hill beyond a little sleeping
village had brought them to a standstill. Across the shadowy fields a
pale sheet of water gleamed out in moonlight. Thyme turned down towards
it.
“I'm hot,” she said; “I want to bathe my face. Stay here. Don't come
with me.”
She left her bicycle, and, passing through a gate, vanished among the
trees.
Martin stayed leaning against the gate. The village clock struck one.
The distant call of a hunting owl, “Qu-wheek, qu-wheek!” sounded through
the grave stillness of this last night of May. The moon at her curve's
summit floated at peace on the blue surface of the sky, a great closed
water-lily. And Martin saw through the trees scimitar-shaped reeds
clustering black along the pool's shore. All about him the may-flowers
were alight. It was such a night as makes dreams real and turns reality
to dreams.
'All moonlit nonsense!' thought the young man, for the night had
disturbed his heart.
But Thyme did not come back. He called to her, and in the death-like
silence following his shouts he could hear his own heart beat. He passed
in through the gate. She was nowhere to be seen. Why was she playing him
this trick?
He turned up from the water among the trees, where the incense of the
may-flowers hung heavy in the air.
'Never look for a thing!' he thought, and stopped to listen. It was so
breathless that the leaves of a low bough against his cheek did not stir
while he stood there. Presently he heard faint sounds, and stole towards
them. Under a beech-tree he almost stumbled over Thyme, lying with her
face pressed to the ground. The young doctor's heart gave a sickening
leap; he quickly knelt down beside her. The girl's body, pressed close
to the dry beech-mat, was being shaken by long sobs. From head to foot
it quivered; her hat had been torn off, and the fragrance of her hair
mingled with the fragrance of the night. In Martin's heart something
seemed to turn over and over, as when a boy he had watched a rabbit
caught in a snare. He touched her. She sat up, and, dashing her hand
across her eyes, cried: “Go away! Oh, go away!”
He put his arm round her and waited. Five minutes passed. The air was
trembling with a sort of pale vibration, for the moonlight had found
a hole in the dark foliage and flooded on to the ground beside them,
whitening the black beech-husks. Some tiny bird, disturbed by these
unwonted visitors, began chirruping and fluttering, but was soon still
again. To Martin, so strangely close to this young creature in the
night, there came a sense of utter disturbance.
'Poor little thing!' he thought; 'be careful of her, comfort her!'
Hardness seemed so broken out of her, and the night so wonderful! And
there came into the young man's heart a throb of the knowledge--very
rare with him, for he was not, like Hilary, a philosophising
person--that she was as real as himself--suffering, hoping, feeling,
not his hopes and feelings, but her own. His fingers kept pressing her
shoulder through her thin blouse. And the touch of those fingers was
worth more than any words, as this night, all moonlit dreams, was worth
more than a thousand nights of sane reality.
Thyme twisted herself away from him at last. “I can't,” she sobbed. “I'm
not what you thought me--I'm not made for it!”
A scornful little smile curled Martin's lip. So that was it! But the
smile soon died away. One did not hit what was already down!
Thyme's voice wailed through the silence. “I thought I could--but I want
beautiful things. I can't bear it all so grey and horrible. I'm not like
that girl. I'm-an-amateur!”
'If I kissed her---' Martin thought.
She sank down again, burying her face in the dark beech-mat. The
moonlight had passed on. Her voice came faint and stiffed, as out of the
tomb of faith. “I'm no good. I never shall be. I'm as bad as mother!”
But to Martin there was only the scent of her hair.
“No,” murmured Thyme's voice, “I'm only fit for miserable Art.... I'm
only fit for--nothing!”
They were so close together on the dark beech mat that their bodies
touched, and a longing to clasp her in his arms came over him.
“I'm a selfish beast!” moaned the smothered voice. “I don't really care
for all these people--I only care because they're ugly for me to see!”
Martin reached his hand out to her hair. If she had shrunk away he would
have seized her, but as though by instinct she let it rest there. And at
her sudden stillness, strange and touching, Martin's quick passion left
him. He slipped his arm round her and raised her up, as if she had been
a child, and for a long time sat listening with a queer twisted smile to
the moanings of her lost illusions.
The dawn found them still sitting there against the bole of the
beech-tree. Her lips were parted; the tears had dried on her sleeping
face, pillowed against his shoulder, while he still watched her sideways
with the ghost of that twisted smile.
And beyond the grey water, like some tired wanton, the moon in an orange
hood was stealing down to her rest between the trees.