said. "The most their countries expects of them is that they should
share the privations of their subjects by reducing the cost of running
their homes till they are living as economically during war-times as a
Texas oil millionaire does during peace-times. There was days together
there, in the terrible winter of 1916-1917, when the only dishes which
appeared on the tables of European kings, outside of green-turtle soup
and roast pheasant, was hothouse asparagus and fresh strawberry
ice-cream, Abe. The sufferings of kings, junior and senior, during the
war 'ain't half been told in the newspapers, Abe."
"The Kings of England, junior and senior, is very popular in England at
that, Mawruss," Abe said, "which every week the illustrated papers
prints picture after picture of both of them Kings looking every inch
kings, or anyhow openers or better, y'understand; and in fact, Mawruss,
the English-reading public never seems to get tired of seeing pictures
of building operations, just so long as there is one of them Kings in it
laying the corner-stone or turning the first sod of the excavation."
"For that matter, Abe, them brown illustrated supplements to American
Sunday newspapers which rubs off so on Palm Beach suits and ladies'
white gloves, 'ain't absolutely declared a boycott on kings' pictures,
neither," Morris declared. "I suppose that pictures of them Kings with
or without Marshal Haig reviewing soldiers and handing out medals is
easy worth several hundred dollars a week to the dry cleaners of New
York City alone."
"Did I say they didn't?" Abe asked. "Which, considering the trouble and
expense this country was put to over the Declaration of Independence,
Mawruss, you would be surprised how much interest a whole lot of ladies
takes in the English royal family. Here a short time ago the King,
senior's, father a brother's daughter got married beneath her to one of
the chief stockholders of the Canadian Pacific Railroad, Mawruss, and
you would think from the way my Rosie carried on about it that the
girl's mother was going round saying what did she ever do that her
daughter should go to work and marry a feller that made his living that
way, and what a mercy it was the grandmother didn't live to see it; the
theory being, Mawruss, that when a king's relation marries a healthy
young chief stockholder with nothing flowing in his veins but the blood
of a couple of generations of managing directors, y'understand, it is
the equivalence of a bank president's daughter eloping with a
professional dancer in a cabaret."
"And when the King, junior, arrives in this country there is going to be
a lot of disappointment among them ladies which also gets their pictures
printed by the Sunday supplement sitting around cross-legged in
ankle-length, awning-striped skirts at dawg-shows, in such a way that
even the dawgs must feel embarrassed if they've got the ordinary dawg's
sense of decency, Abe," Morris said, "because I see by the paper that
the King, senior, has instructed his son that while in New York he
should live on board the English battle-ship which is bringing him here
so as not to have no truck with any millionaires."
"I suppose the old man thinks that one managing director's child in the
royal family is enough," Abe suggested.
"Well," Morris said, "looking at him from the King's standpoint, it will
save the young feller's mother a lot of anxiety to know that he is safe
on board an English battle-ship every night instead of running around
the streets of a country where everybody, up to and including the
President himself, is the young feller's social inferior."
"And also, you can't blame the old man if he ain't taking no risks when
the young feller gets home and his mother asks him did he have a good
time, that two Right Honorable General Practitioners in Waiting would
got to work over her for an hour or so bringing her out of one swoon
after another as the result of her son saying, 'I'll _say_ I did,'" Abe
observed.
"Still, at the same time, Abe," Morris said, "it is going to be a
wonderful opportunity for the young feller, even if he gets home again,
he would occasionally use the words, '_You've said it_,' instead of
'_Quite so_.'"
"But that ain't the idea in the King's sending him over here, Mawruss,"
Abe said. "The intention is that it is a wonderful opportunity for the
American people to see how a king looks and at the same time not have it
come off on your gloves. In other words, Mawruss, it's as a favor to us
that the young feller is coming over here, and the chances is that his
personal feelings in the matter is very much the same as yours or mine
would be if we was about to make Sarahcuse, Rochester, Buffalo, Detroit,
and Chicago with a line of popular-price garments. We would do it in the
course of making a living and not for the education of the thing."
"Then my advice to the young feller and his father is that he should
stay home in these times when the building trade is looking up so, Abe,
and help out with the corner-stone laying," Morris said, "and give the
people of this country a real treat by sending over Lord George or
Marshall Field Haig, which while this here King, junior, is a decent,
respectable young feller and his father is also a gentleman that nobody
could say a word against no matter if it does cost the English people
sixpence in the pound of the ten shillings in the pound which they've
got to pay income tax in order that the English royal family should
continue to live in the style to which it has become accustomed during
the past five hundred years, Abe, still, at the same time, if I could be
standing on the curb watching Lord George or this here Haig driving by,
it would give me a real thrill to think that I am at last looking at the
face of a man who for over four years has been working night and day to
put over the biggest thing that has ever been put over in the history of
the world, y'understand; whereas, what for a thrill would I get from
looking at the face of a man who, putting it big, has been laying as
many corner-stones as all the bricklayers' unions in the American
Federation of Labor and has been presiding at as many banquets as this
here Irving J. Cobb and Gustave Thomas combined?"
"At that, there will be a whole lot of ambulance calls for people who
has fainted away in the crowds that will collect to see the King,
junior, drive up Fifth Avenue, Mawruss," Abe said.
"I know there will," Morris said; "and if it rested with me, Abe, I
wouldn't spend so much as two cents for mathematic spirits of ammonia to
bring them to, neither, because them crowds in America is helping along
a European idea which we sent across several million American soldiers
to wipe out. Them American crowds will be encouraging European kings to
believe that even in America we still think it is all right for the
ordinary people of Europe to sacrifice their lives and their property,
in order that them corner-stone layers shall cop out the credit."
"As a matter of fact, Mawruss," Abe said, "Mr. Wilson invited the young
feller to visit America."
"_Yow_, President Wilson invited him!" Morris exclaimed. "After the
experience President Wilson had in Paris staying with the Murats he must
have a pretty good idea what it means to be eaten out of house and home
by the people that tags along with a king or a president, which I bet
yer the most that Mr. Wilson said when he was visiting England last
Christmas was that he told the King, senior, if he was ever in
Washington to be sure and look him up, or to not to fail to let him know
if he was ever in Washington, or that the latch-string was always out at
the White House, or any one of the hundreds of things that ordinarily
the most inhospitable person in the world is perfectly safe in saying
without any one taking him up on it."
"Well, that's where Mr. Wilson made a big mistake, Mawruss," Abe said,
"because evidently this here King, junior, couldn't take a joke,
y'understand; which, the way it looks now, Mawruss, even if Mr. Wilson
had said, 'I hope to see you again sometime,' he would of immediately
taken out of his vest pocket such a little book which you put
memorandums in it and said how about August 30, 1919, or would
September 10th suit Mr. Wilson better, and that's the way it would of
went."
"Anyhow, that's neither here nor there, Abe," Morris said, "because, no
matter how many times nowadays Mrs. Wilson is going to ask Mr. Wilson
why he couldn't of said good-by, King, and let it go at that, because
such people, if you give them the least little encouragement, they would
use you like you was running a boarding-house already, understand me, it
ain't going to improve matters for Mr. Wilson when the young feller does
arrive."
"Say!" Abe exclaimed. "It wouldn't do that King, junior, no harm to
rough it a little there at the White House, Mawruss."
"What do you mean--rough it?" Morris demanded. "Don't you suppose the
President of the United States eats just so good in his own home as the
King of England does in his, Abe? It would be the least of Mr. Wilson's
worries if the young feller would expect chicken _à la_ king and fillet
of kingfish for breakfast, dinner, and supper already, but when it comes
to making up a list of the guests which would be invited to meet this
here King of England, junior, that is where Mr. Wilson is wise he would
get himself run over by a trolley-car or something, and sustain enough
injuries to keep him confined to his bed from a few days before the
young feller arrives until the morning after the British ambassador
successfully slips it to the young feller that the people in Washington
is beginning to wonder if a king of England 'ain't got no home,
y'understand."
"But why couldn't Mr. Wilson give one big dinner for the King, junior,
to which he would invite the Senate and House of Representatives in a
body, and have the whole thing over at one _schlag_, y'understand?"
"Say," Morris said, "the dining-room at the White House is a big place,
but it ain't exactly Madison Square Garden, and it ain't even Childs's
Boardwalk restaurant, neither."
"Then let him invite them to a series of meals in rotation
alphabetically, and let it go at that," Abe suggested.
"Before that would get him out of his troubles and not hold up the
confirmation of the Peace Treaty and League of Nations, Abe, Mr. Wilson
would first got to get an act of Congress passed amending the order of
the alphabet and making L for Lodge, J for Johnson, and R for Reed come
ahead of H for Hitchcock, who, of course, wouldn't mind helping out Mr.
Wilson by allowing himself to be shifted to the third or fourth
sitting," Morris said.
"Maybe it would be a good thing to let the alphabet stand and square
things with Borah and Brandegee," Abe retorted.
"It might even be still better if Mr. Wilson would write the King,
junior, to be so good and postpone his visit until after Inauguration
Day, 1921, and put the entire problem up to the next President, whoever
he might be," Morris said.
"He might even be Mr. Wilson," Abe concluded; "because, when it comes to
a job like entertaining this here King, junior, what American is anxious
to tackle it, even if by doing so he could become President even? Am I
right or wrong?"
THE END
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[Transcriber's Note:
The following typographic errors were corrected:
p. 55: changed Decclaration to Declaration
p. 64: changed Kasier to Kaiser
p. 65: changed single quote to double quote
p. 69: changed Kasier to Kaiser
p. 71: added closing parenthesis to end of (b)
p. 167: added missing word "be" to "by such instrumentalities could
rendered"
p. 204: added missing period
]