of two commas contributed by ex-President Taft and a semicolon from
Charles Evans Hughes. Elihu Root also suggested they insert the words
_as aforesaid_ in the first paragraph and also the words _anything
hereinbefore contained to the contrary notwithstanding_ in the last
paragraph, but couldn't get by with it. However, Abe, the League of
Nations is already such old stuff that people reading it in Section One
of the Peace Treaty will in all probability skip it the way they did the
first time it come out, and, anyhow, the real Treaty of Peace, so far as
the plot and action is concerned, don't start till the second section."
"Could you remember any of the second section?" Abe asked.
"That's the section which tells about how much territory Germany gives
up to Poland, France, Belgium, and Denmark, and after it goes into
effect, Abe, it is going to considerably alter the words, if not the
music, of '_Deutschland, Deutschland, ueber Alles_,'" Morris declared.
"It also means, Abe, that the school-boys who used to was geography
sharks and could bound Germany right off the reel, Abe, would now got to
learn them boundaries all over again and then take half an hour or so
to tell what they've learned. You see, Abe, the Danzig area, for
instance, consists of a V made a W by the addition of a similar V on the
west, including the city of Danzig and--"
"Excuse me," Abe interrupted, "but this here sounds like a clothing
alteration to me, which, if Germany's boundary was made smaller, why did
they got to put a couple of V's into it?"
"The V's was put into Poland's boundary, not Germany's," Morris said.
"And I bet that Poland breathes a whole lot easier now that her boundary
has got a couple of V's in it," Abe commented.
"Them two V's ain't all Poland gets," Morris continued. "She also gets
the southeastern tip of Silesia beyond and including Oppeln, most of
Posen and West Prussia, and a line is drawn from--"
"That's all right," Abe said. "I'll take your word for it, Mawruss,
because, while that might be music to some people's ears, when it comes
to geography I couldn't tell one note from another. So go ahead and tell
me what is in the next section."
"The next section is also got in it a little complicated geography,
Abe," Morris said. "It practically repeats what was said in the last
section about how much territory Germany gives up, and then proceeds to
rub it in. You know, of course, about the Sarre Basin."
"I _say_ I do, but don't let that stop you," Abe replied. "Go ahead and
describe it to me just like as if I didn't."
"Well, to make a long story short before I tell it, Abe," Morris said,
"the Sarre Valley, which in Germany is like the Scranton and
Wilkes-Barre section in Pennsylvania, is to be practically owned by
France for fifteen years. At the end of that time, an election is going
to be held and the people will vote as to whether they want to stay
French or go back to Germany."
"And I suppose France will count the votes," Abe commented, "in which
case she will probably appoint a board of elections consisting of
whoever happens to be the Philadelphia director of public safety at that
time, the leader of the Eighth Assembly District of New York City, and a
couple of Chicago aldermen, Mawruss."
"The Treaty of Peace don't provide for it," Morris said, "but if any
odds are quoted on the Curb, Abe, it wouldn't be on the result, but the
size of the majority. There is also the same kind of an election to be
held in Schleswig-Holstein, without much chance of a recount taking
place, either, but so far as the rest of Sections Three, Four, and Five
is concerned, Abe, Germany gives up all her interests in every part of
the world without the privilege of even having all those in favor please
saying Aye, y'understand."
"It would have made a big noise, anyhow," Abe declared. "Because the
only people who ain't in favor of Germany giving up her colonies is
Germans, and not _all_ Germans at that."
"However, what happens to Germany in the first five sections of this
here Peace Treaty, Abe, is only, so to speak, the soup and entrée of the
meal which the Allies makes of her," Morris said. "Section Six is where
the real knife-and-fork work begins, Abe, which it starts right in with
the German army and reduces it to the size of the Salvation Army,
exclusive of the doughnut-cooking department."
"I'm surprised that you should compare the Salvation Army to a low-life
army like the German army," Abe protested.
"I am only talking for the sake of argument, Abe," Morris assured him,
"which if this here Section Six is carried out, Abe, the new German army
wouldn't be armed with anything near as dangerous as doughnuts. In fact,
Abe, the way this here Peace Treaty specifies what arms and ammunition
the German army should be supplied with, the only thing that it would
got to remind it that it is an army and not a _Sängerbund_ would be the
uniforms."
"And I am surprised that the Peace Treaty didn't forbid uniforms also,
Mawruss," Abe said, "because if it wouldn't of been for his uniforms,
Mawruss, the chances is that the German people would of caught on to
that miserable four-flusher of a Kaiser already long since ago, Mawruss.
Take these here spiked helmets, in particular the ones which is made of
nickel plate, Mawruss, and only to wear such a thing is liable to bring
out all the meanness in them naturally mean German soldiers, Mawruss, so
therefore I am in favor that the Peace Treaty be amended by providing
that the uniform of the German army should be a three-button, black,
single-breasted sack suit with no padding in the shoulders, Mawruss, and
the helmet should be a brown derby hat of the pattern of 1898, and that
the soldiers agree to wear this derby hat, of the same block and width
of brim, for at least twenty years, Mawruss, because nothing takes the
conceit out of a man so much as wearing a funny-looking hat,
y'understand."
"This here Peace Treaty don't need no outside assistance when it comes
to taking the conceit out of the German army, and the navy, neither,
Abe," Morris continued. "In fact, Section Six does the same to the
German navy as you would like to do to the German army, excepting that,
instead of derby hats, it refers to battle-ships. In other words, Abe,
it says that the German navy should have only six small battle-ships and
that none of them could be replaced inside of twenty years. Just
consider for a moment how it feels for a speed-bug which once used to
consider that if he didn't buy himself every three months a new
special-body twin six, y'understand, that he was living pretty close to
the cushion, and condemn such a feller to go round for the next twenty
years in a four-cylinder 1910-model Punkocar, Abe, and you will get some
small idea of what Admiral von Tirpitz and all them other bloodthirsty
German admirals feels when they read that part of Section Six which
refers to the new German navy."
"That wasn't the way they used to feel," Abe declared. "Up to a few days
ago, Mawruss, von Tirpitz and Hindenburg and all them other German army
and navy experts was treating this war like it would of been a pinochle
game, and each of them was busy explaining by post-mortems how if his
partner hadn't played the hand rotten they would have won by three
points, not counting the last trick, but what are you going to do with a
_Strohschneider_ like that, and so forth."
"Did they mention anything about playing with marked cards?" Morris
asked.
"They did not," Abe said, "nor did they say anything about having
stacked the cards or dealing off of the bottom of the deck, Mawruss, but
you would think from the way them fellers acted at Versailles, Mawruss,
that this here Peace Conference is the breakup of a nice little friendly
game, y'understand, and that _not_ only should the winners take I. O.
U's. from the losers, but that it is also up to the winners to serve a
good delicatessen supper and pay for the lights and attendance."
"That must have been before they heard about the _capora_ which is in
store for them under Section Seven of this here Peace Treaty, Abe,"
Morris said, "which in order that there shouldn't be any softening of
the sound to them German cauliflower ears, Abe, the words _one billion_
ain't used at all, but instead it speaks about a thousand million
pounds, Abe, and, while it ain't any harder to raise than one billion
pounds, it certainly gives you the impression that it is."
"And how many of these thousands of millions of pounds must the German
people got to pay before they get through?" Abe asked.
"That the Peace Treaty don't say, Abe," Morris replied. "It leaves the
fixing of the total amount for a commission to be appointed later, Abe,
and the German people will be notified of their liabilities not later
than May 1, 1921; but in the mean time, Abe, just to keep up their
spirits they would got to pay a few instalments of one thousand million
pounds each."
"But if the instalments is one thousand million pounds each, Mawruss,
what do you think will be the grand total which Germany would have to
pay?" Abe asked.
"About the same grand total as the Allies would have been obliged to pay
if Germany had won," Morris replied.
"And how much would that have been?" Abe inquired.
"All they could raise, Abe," Morris concluded, "plus ten per cent."
XVI
THE GERMAN ROMAN HOLIDAY AND THE AMERICANIZATION OF AMERICANS
"I was speaking to my wife's sister's boy which he is just getting ready
to gradgawate from High School, Mawruss, and I wish you could hear the
way that feller talks, Mawruss," Abe Potash said to his partner, Morris
Perlmutter.
"I shall probably got to have that pleasure, Abe," Morris Perlmutter
replied, "because the first thing your wife's relations does when they
gradgawate from school or go broke, as the case may be, is to get a job
in this place and the second thing they do is to get fired."
"Listen, Mawruss," Abe said, "if I would of given jobs in this place to
the number of relations by marriage which you already stuck me with,
y'understand, I might just so well run a free business college and be
done with it, which what I was going to say was that this here young
feller was telling me that in the old days when the Romans won a war the
way the Allies did, they used to make the losers walk in a parade so
that the Roman people could see how them losers suffered."
"And what's that got to do with my giving jobs to my wife's relations?"
Morris inquired.
"It 'ain't got nothing to do with it, but if you would let me open my
mouth once in a while and not try to gag me every time I want to tell
you something, Mawruss," Abe continued, "maybe I could learn you
something."
"Maybe," Morris admitted, "but when you start in to tell about how smart
one of your nephews by marriage is, Abe, it generally ends up by our
paying a few weeks' salary to a young feller which all he learned about
double entry is making birds with a pen, so I just want to warn you
before you go any further, Abe, that in the future with me, Abe, if any
of your nephews is an expert bird-maker with a pen, y'understand, you
should please find him a job in a millinery concern and let me out."
"I wasn't going to say nothing about giving a job to nobody," Abe
protested. "All I am trying to tell you is that if the Treaty of Peace,
which you talked my head off about the other day, contained a section
that the Germans should walk in a parade and show to the Allies how that
Peace Treaty made them suffer, Mawruss, Lenine and Trotsky and all the
other crickets who abuse Mr. Wilson like the New York Republican
newspapers and the American ladies who are attending that Zurich
Permanent Peace Convention, would of called the Allies all sorts of
barbarians, y'understand. However, Mawruss, it only goes to show how
unnecessary such a section in the Peace Treaty would be, Mawruss,
because the Germans is now obliging with a wonderful Roman exhibition
of themselves. In fact, Mawruss, from the lowest to the highest, them
German people seems to be saying to each other, 'Let's act like real
Germans and make the worst of it!'"
"Did any one expect anything else from them Germans?" Morris asked.
"Well, from the way this here four-flusher von Brockdorff-Rantzau
behaved the day they handed him the Peace Treaty, Mawruss," Abe said,
"it looked like the Germans had made up their minds to be just so
stiff-necked as they always was, Mawruss, and I begun to think that they
were going to treat it as a case of _so mechullah, so mechullah_,
y'understand, but the way them Germans is now crying like children,
Mawruss, there ain't going to be enough sackcloth and ashes in Germany
to go around, and them German professors will have to get busy and
invent some _ersatz_ sackcloth and ashes to supply the demand."
"Crooks are always poor sports, Abe," Morris declared, "in particular
when they throw themselves on the mercy of the people that they didn't
intend to show no mercy to themselves. Take this here Ebert, for
instance, and he don't make no bones about saying that the German people
relied on President Wilson and the United States of America being easy
marks, but _ai Tzuris_, what a mistake that was! In effect he says that
President Wilson on January 22, 1917, made the statement that the victor
must not force his conditions on the vanquished, and relying on that
statement, Germany went to work and got into a war with the United
States because if Germany got licked, y'understand, the worst that can
happen her is that she makes peace again on her own terms, and then when
Germany did get licked, see what happens to her. President Wilson
behaves like a frozen snake in the grass which somebody tries to warm by
putting the snake into his pants pocket, y'understand, and when the
snake gets thawed out, understand me, it bites the hand that feeds it,
and what are you going to do in a case like this?"
"At that, Mawruss, Ebert ain't making near so bad an exhibition of
himself as this here Prince von Hohenlohe. There was a feller which was
used to was the German Chancellor, Mawruss," Abe said, "and the dirty
deals which he helped to put over on the Rumanians and the Russians, by
way of Treaties of Peace, y'understand, was such that if we would of
attempted it with the Germans, Mawruss, and the United States Congress
would of confirmed it, Mawruss, Victor Berger would be fighting to be
let out of the House of Representatives and to be admitted to
Leavenworth, instead of _vice versa_, on the grounds that he didn't want
to associate with no crooks, y'understand, but seemingly this here
Hohenlohe is suffering from loss of memory as well as loss of
self-respect, Mawruss, because he is now making speeches in which he is
weeping all over his already tear-stained copy of the Peace Treaty and
calling it the Tragedy of Versailles, whereas compared to the Treaty of
Peace which you might call the Tragedy of Brest-Litovsk, Mawruss, this
here Versailles Treaty of Peace is a Follies of 1919 with just one laugh
after another, y'understand."
"And I see also where this here Scheidemann is also figuring very
largely in this here Roman exhibition the Germans is making of
themselves, Abe," Morris observed. "He said the other day that the
Germans would never, never, never--or anyhow not until next Thursday a
week--sign the Peace Treaty. He put his hand on where a German's heart
would be if he had one, Abe, and said that no Germans would positively
and absolutely not submit to any such Treaty of Peace as the one offered
to them, or that is to say they would not submit to it except on and
after May 22, 1919, and anyhow, nobody would ever trust President Wilson
again."
"And yet, Mawruss, when them Germans gets over the first shock of this
here Peace Treaty and wipe away their tears sufficient to see things a
little more clearly, y'understand," Abe commented, "it is just barely
possible that they are going to do some rapid figuring on what they gain
by not supporting a few thousand princes, not to mention the money which
that bloodthirsty Kaiser and his family used to draw in salaries and
commissions, Mawruss, and when these amounts are offset against
indemnities which the Germans are required to pay under the Peace
Treaty, Mawruss, it will in all probability be found that the German
nation is beggared, as this here Scheidemann would say, to the extent of
$0.831416 per capita per annum by such indemnities. The result is going
to be that some of them Germans will then begin to figure how maybe it
was worth that much money per capita per annum to get rid of that
_rosher_ and they will also begin to realize that it has been worth even
more than that much per capita per annum to the Allied people to see a
performance such as the German people continuing to weep in sympathy
with Ebert and Scheidemann, y'understand, they will be advising them two
boys to go and take for ten cents apiece some mathematic spirits of
ammonia and quit their sobbing."
"However, Abe," Morris remarked, "there was a few Americans which
instead of being in the audience enjoying the performance was back on
the stage with the Germans and weeping just so hard as any of them. Take
these here American lady delegates to the small-time Peace Conference
which is running at Zurich, Switzerland, in opposition to the old
original Peace Conference in Paris, Abe, and them ladies with their
voices choked by tears, Abe, passed a resolution that be it resolved
that the Peace Treaty is already secret diplomacy, that it is the old
case of the side winning the war getting the spoils, and a lot of other
resolutions to which the only resolution anybody could pass in answer to
such resolutions would be, 'Well, what of it?'"
"That only proves to me, Mawruss, how necessary it is, this here
Americanization work which you read so much about in the papers," Abe
declared. "Here is four American ladies which is lived in the country
for some years--in fact, ever since they was born, and that ain't such a
short time neither, when you see their pictures, Mawruss, and yet them
ladies talks like they never heard tell of the Star-spangled Banner.
Seemingly the fact that we licked Germany don't appeal to them at all,
and so far as these resolutions which they passed between sobs, Mawruss,
gives any indications, Mawruss, they would like to have seen this here
European War end in a draw, with perhaps Germany getting just a shade
the better of it."
"And what has all this got to do with Americanization work, Abe?" Morris
inquired. "I always thought that Americanization was taking the
greenhorns which comes to this country from Europe, and teaching them
how to think and act like Americans."
"That comes afterward, Mawruss," Abe said, "because it seems that ever
since this here European War, Mawruss, Americanization needs to begin at
home, Mawruss, and that the first ones to be Americanized should ought
to be Americans. There is, for instance, Mr. O. G. Villard, who was born
and raised in this country, Mawruss, which he comes out with a statement
the other day that them loafers of the Munich soviet who killed all them
professors and ladies a couple of weeks ago, compared very favorably
with the legislatures of the states of New York and Pennsylvania,
Mawruss. Now when you consider that them two legislatures is part of our
government, Mawruss, the way it looks to me is that if a foreigner had
said such a thing he would have been Americanized without the option of
a fine by the nearest city magistrate."
"At the same time, Abe," Morris said, "when you read in the papers about
the New York State Senator Thompson and the goings-on up in Albany, Abe,
it looks like Americanization should ought to be done at the source,
y'understand, and then it wouldn't be necessary to Americanize Mr.
Villard at all."
"Sure, I know, Mawruss," Abe agreed, "but what I am driving into is that
Americanization for Americans must appeal very strongly to colored
Americans, especially the Americanization of those Americans who believe
that the colored man should ought to be put in his place and don't
hesitate about designating the place as the end of a rope without the
trouble and expense of a jury trial, y'understand."
"I would even get a little more personal as that, Abe," Morris declared.
"I would even say that there should ought to be classes in
Americanization for those Americans who believe that the religion and
race origin of certain other Americans makes them eligible to give their
children's lives to the country and their money to Red Cross and other
War Drives--but that it don't make them eligible to stay at first-class
summer hotels or play golluf by first-class country clubs."
"Say," Abe broke in, "there is need of more important Americanization
among Americans than that, Mawruss. There should ought to be
Americanization of Americans who think it is American for landlords to
ask for raises of their rent and un-American for workmen to ask for
raises of their wages. In fact, this whole Americanization movement
should ought to be centered on Americanizing out of Americans any
habits, customs, or schemes they try to put across which is apt to make
Polish-Americans, Italian-Americans, Jewish-Americans or Assorted
Foreign-Americans say to one another, 'Well, if that's the way Americans
behave, give me back my hyphen and let me go home.'"
"Well, after all, Abe, it's a mighty small bunch of Americans which
ain't Americanized yet," Morris observed.
"I know it," Abe said, "and it's their smallness which makes me sore,
Mawruss, because no matter how small they are by number, or nature,
Mawruss, they are the ones that the Turks pulled on us when we protested
about them poor Armenians _nebich_. Also, Mawruss, if Mr. Wilson should
protest that the new Polish Republic ain't treating our people as
equals, y'understand, the new Polish Republic could come right back
with: 'Neither is any number of summer hotels we could name in the
Adirondacks Mountains of your own United States.' Also, if the Peace
Delegates from this country gives a hint to the Greeks that there is
colonies of Bulgarians living in Greece for years already which wants to
be Greeks and should ought to have the same voting rights as Greeks,
y'understand, all Venezuela or whatever the Greek secretary of state has
got to say is, 'Well, we hold that these people 'ain't got a right to
vote under a law called the Grandfather Law, which we copied from
similar laws passed in the states of Georgia, Alabama, and
Mississippi--in your own United States,' and them poor old Peace
Delegates of ours wouldn't have a word to say."
"At that, Abe, I think all them disagreeable things in this country is
going to be changed by the war," Morris suggested.
"Perhaps, Mawruss," Abe concluded, "but considering what changes have
taken place because of this war, it's wonderful how little changed
things really are."
XVII
MR. WILSON'S FAVOR OF THE 20TH ULTO. AND CONTENTS NOTED
"Yes, Mawruss," Abe Potash said to his partner, Morris Perlmutter, one
morning recently, "a feller which has got to write to the newspaper to
say that he didn't say what the newspaper said he said when it reported
his speech, y'understand, has usually made a pretty rotten speech in the
first place, and in the second place when he tries to explain what it
really was that he did say, Mawruss, it practically always sounds worse
than what the newspaper said he said."
"But what did he say and who said it, Abe?" Morris inquired.
"Ambassador Morgenstimmung or Morgenstern, I couldn't remember which,
Mawruss," Abe replied, "and although he 'ain't wrote to the newspapers
yet to deny that he said it, Mawruss, it is only a question of time when
he would do so, because he either said one thing or the other, but he
couldn't say both."
"Listen, Abe, if you think that unless you break it to me gradually what
this here Morgenstern said, it would be too much of a shock to me,"
Morris announced, "let me tell you that it is a matter of indifference
to me _what_ he said."
"So it is to 'most everybody else except the immediate family, Mawruss,"
Abe continued, "but not to keep you in suspense, Mawruss, what this
Ambassador Morgenstern said was in a speech to the American soldiers in
Coblenz where he told them that there was going to be another big war in
which America would got to fight during the next fifteen or twenty
years, and also that he had every confidence in the League of Nations."