late to call the thing off, but their friends must have got them
together and talked Lodge over into behaving like a gentleman, because
he practically agreed to everything that Lowell said and, so to speak,
'threw' the whole debate right at the outset, which, reading the reports
in the newspapers next morning, Abe, it is a wonder to me that the
referee or the umpire didn't stop it before it had gone the first five
minutes, even."
"Well, if people is foolish enough to bet on such things, Mawruss," Abe
commented, "they deserve to lose, ain't it?"
"So the consequences is that some people is now saying that Senator
Lodge backed down because he didn't have a leg to stand on," Morris
continued, "while them people which probably made a little easy money on
Lowell is saying, '_Yow!_ backed down!' and that Lowell is a
crackerjack, A-number-one arguer, and won the argument on his merits,
y'understand."
"The whole thing should ought to be investigated by the Massachusetts
Boxing Commission in order to see that them kind of disgraceful
exhibitions shouldn't occur again," Abe said, "otherwise this here James
Butler which is president of Columbia College will fix up an argument
with another United States Senator, and whoever is now president of
Princeton College will arrange a frame-up with a Governor of a state or
somebody, and the first thing you know, Mawruss, college presidents will
be getting such a reputation as public speakers that the next Republican
National Convention will be again unloading a college president on us as
President of the United States."
"Say," Morris protested, "if all college presidents would make as good a
President as Mr. Wilson done, Abe, I am content that we should have such
a president for President."
"President Wilson done all right, Mawruss," Abe declared. "He done a
whole lot to add a touch of refinement to what otherwise would of been a
very rough war, understand me. He's got the respect and admiration of
the whole world, Mawruss, and I ain't going to say _but_ neither, but
would say _however_. Mawruss, for the next ten years or so the United
States of America ain't going to be as quiet as a college exactly. Maybe
the presidents of colleges will continue to deal with college professors
and college students which couldn't talk back, Mawruss, but the next
President of the United States will have to stand an awful lot of
back-talk from a whole lot of people about taxes, business conditions,
railroads, and so forth, and instead of coming right back with a snappy
remark originally made by some big Roman philosopher and letting it go
at that, Mawruss, he would got to come right back with a plan devised by
some big Pittsburgh business man and act on it, too."
"There's something in what you say, Abe," Morris admitted.
"So, therefore, if we've got to drag a college president for President,
Mawruss," Abe concluded, "let's hope he would be anyhow president of a
business college."
X
THE NEW HUNGARIAN RHAPSODY
"I see where a feller by the name Rubin or Robin or something like that,
which was working as a traveling-salesman for the Red Cross in Russia,
got examined by Congress the other day," Abe Potash said one morning in
March, "and in the course of explaining how he come to spend all that
money for traveling expenses or something, he says that the Bolsheviki
in Russia is a very much misunderstood people."
"Sure, I know," Morris said; "it is always the case, Abe, that when
somebody does something which could only be explained on the grounds
that he would sooner be in jail than _out_, he goes to work and claims
that nobody understands him."
"But Rubin claims that the reason Bolshevism sprung in the first place
was that the Bolsheviki was tired of the war," Abe continued, "whereas
the Allies thought they were quitters."
"What do you mean--whereas?" Morris asked.
"Wait, that ain't the only 'whereas,'" Abe said. "Rubin also said that
the Allies thinks the Bolsheviki is a bunch of organized murderers,
_whereas_ the Allies don't understand that the only people murdered by
them Bolsheviki was the property-owners which objects to their property
being taken, and that as a matter of fact them poor Bolsheviki are
simply _obliged_ to take the property, there being no other alternative
except working for a living."
"_Nebich!_" Morris exclaimed, "and did he say anything else about them
Bolsheviki that we should ought to break our hearts over, Abe?"
"Rubin didn't, but there is some of these here liberal-minded papers
which seems to think that what this here Rubin says is not only a big
boost for the Bolsheviki, but that it should ought to be a lesson to us
not to pass laws in this country to prevent the Bolsheviki from
operating over here."
"But we already got laws over here to take care of people which would
sooner commit murder than work, Abe," Morris said, "and as for being
liberal-minded about the Bolsheviki, Abe, I am content that after they
are sentenced they should have all the privilege that the other convicts
have, and that's as far as I would go."
"Well, you couldn't claim credit for being very funny that way, Mawruss.
You've got practically all the unliberal-minded people in the United
States siding with you," Abe declared, "because, being liberal-minded is
a matter of being able to see only the unpopular side of every question.
It is the liberal-minded people which thinks there is something to be
said in favor of the Germans and says it, y'understand. It is the
liberal-minded people which is always willing to try anything that
don't seem reasonable to practically everybody."
"And I suppose them liberal-minded people would even approve of Germany
trying to get out of paying an indemnity by pulling off one of them
street affairs with shooting which passes for Bolshevik revolution,"
Morris said, "but the backing of such liberal-minded Americans wouldn't
help the Germans none, because there would be a whole lot of husky
parties in khaki going into Germany and acting in such an
unliberal-minded way that the Germans would wish they would have paid
the indemnity voluntarily on the instalment plan rather as have it
collected all in one sum by levy and sale under an execution."
"Well, I'll tell you," Abe said, "it is always the case that when the
creditors begin to scrap among themselves, y'understand, the fraudulent
bankrupt stands a good chance to get away with the concealed assets,
ain't it, and in particular in this case where there is so many
liberal-minded people around which don't want to be too hard on Germany,
_anyway_."
"I bet yer," Morris said, fervently; "and while this here Peace
Conference is killing a whole lot of time deliberating how to make this
the last war, y'understand, they will wake up some fine morning to find
out that they have really made it the last war but one. Furthermore,
Abe, this next-to-the-last war wouldn't be a marker to the war we are
going to have in collecting indemnities from Bolsheviki, because when it
comes to atrocities, Abe, a Bolshevik government could make the old
German government look like the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to
Children, y'understand."
"Might the Peace Conference would hurry up, maybe," Abe suggested.
"They've got to hurry up if they don't want to be shifted from a Peace
Conference to a Council of War," Morris said. "Look what has already
happened in Hungary."
"And yet, Mawruss, you would think that with a nation like the
Hungarians, which is used to eating in Hungarian restaurants,
y'understand, a little thing like starvation wouldn't worry them at
all," Abe said, "so therefore I couldn't understand why the Hungarians
should have gone Bolshevik from want of food, as the papers says they
did."
"_My_ paper didn't say it," Morris commented, "and if it did, I wouldn't
believe it, anyway, because the most you could claim for Bolshevism as a
cure for starvation is that it keeps the patient so busy worrying about
his other troubles that he forgets how hungry he is. Furthermore, Abe,
the way it looks to me, this here Bolshevik revolution in Hungary ain't
even what the Poor Food Law would call a Bolshevik Type revolution,
because it is my idea that Lenine and Trotzky could read the papers the
same like anybody else. So, therefore, when they seen it that all the
American newspaper correspondents was sending out word that the Peace
Conference should ought to hurry up its work because of the spread of
Bolshevism, y'understand, and that the delegates should ought to go easy
on Germany because, if they didn't, Germany would probably go Bolshevik,
y'understand, this here Trotzky, which once used to work on a New York
newspaper but lived it down by changing his name from Bronstein to
Trotzky, understand me, at once gets up a line of snappy advertisements
headed:
"'WHY BOLSHEVISM?'
to the effect that a Revolution a Day Drives Indemnities Away and for
particulars to write to Trotzky & Lenine, Department M, Petrograd Land
Title and Trust Building, Petrograd. And, of course, Hungary fell for
it."
"So you think that this here Hungarian revolution is a fake?" Abe asked.
"It ain't a fake, it's a business," Morris replied, "which I bet yer
that right now Messrs. Ebert, Scheidemann & Co. is writing Trotzky &
Lenine they should please quote prices on Bolshevist uprisings as per
Hungarian sample, F.O.B. Berlin, and also that it wouldn't be only a
matter of a few days when knocking Germany would be a capital offense in
Petrograd, upon the grounds that the customer is always right."
"But I understand that in Budapest the working-men is seizing the
factories and running them themselves," Abe said.
"There's always bound to be a certain number of people which couldn't
take a job," Morris commented.
"There's no joke about it," Abe declared, "which I see in the paper this
morning that the new Hungarian Soviet government has directed the
presidents of banks to put their business in the hands of the clerks and
that the landlords has got to let the janitors manage the
apartment-houses."
"The landlords has got to do that in America, whether the government
tells 'em to or not, Abe," Morris said, "and as for the bank presidents,
Abe, they might just as well go out and look for another job to-day as
to wait till next week when them committees of factory-workers will
start in to make overdrafts at the point of a revolver."
"Things must be terribly mixed up in Hungary, according to the papers,"
Abe observed.
"Well, I'll tell you," Morris said, "in some countries a Bolshevik
government could be quite disturbing, but take Hungarian cooking, for
instance, and it wouldn't really make a whole lot of difference if
_gulyas_ or paprika chicken was cooked by one chef or a committee of
scullions, Abe, it would be just so miscellaneous and nobody could tell
from eating it what had been put into it, y'understand. Also, Abe, take
these here gipsy Hungarian bands, and while there would probably be a
terrible conglomeration of noises if a committee of players was to start
in to conduct the Boston Symphonies or the New York Philharmonics,
y'understand, a committee of gipsy musicians couldn't make a _czardas_
sound worser than it does, no matter how they disagree as to the way it
should ought to be played."
"For that matter, there's a lot of things produced in Germany which a
Soviet government couldn't spoil, neither, Mawruss," Abe said, "like
music by this here Nathan Strauss, the composer, or _Koenigsburger
Klops_, now called Liberty Roast, which I see by last Sunday's paper
that the Kaiser has been talking again."
"And what's that got to do with Germany going Bolshevik?" Morris asked.
"Nothing, except that it partially accounts for it," Abe replied, "which
a newspaper feller by the name of Begbie called on the Kaiser in
Holland, and he says the Kaiser couldn't see it at all."
"See what?" Morris asked.
"Why, he couldn't see what people is making such a fuss about," Abe
said. "He says that, so far as starting this here war is concerned, he
didn't _say_ nothing, he didn't _do_ nothing, and all he knows about it
is that he lays the whole thing to the Freemasons."
"You mean the F. A. M.?" Morris asked.
"What other Freemasons is there?" Abe said.
"You're sure he didn't say the Knights of Pythias or the I. O. O. F.,
because, while I don't belong to the Masons myself, Abe, Rosie's
sister's husband's brother by the name Harris November has been a
thirty-sixth degree Mason for years already," Morris declared, "and I'll
swear that if a gabby feller like him would have known that the Masons
had anything to do with bringing on the war, Abe, he would of spilled it
already long since ago."
"Well, of course, I don't know nothing about what Harris November said
or what he didn't say, Mawruss, but that's what the Kaiser said," Abe
continued, "and he also had a good deal to say about Queen Victorine of
England what a wonderful woman she was, _olav hasholom_, and how she
told him many times he should look out for that low-life of a son of
hers by the name Edwin."
"But I always thought this here Edwin was such a decent, respectable
feller," Morris interrupted.
"That's what everybody else thought," Abe went on, "but the Kaiser says
that many times the old lady says to him he shouldn't have nothing to do
with Edwin. 'Believe me,' she said, according to the Kaiser, 'he
wouldn't do you no good intellectually, morally, or socially,' and so
for that reason the Kaiser wouldn't join the Entente with England,
France, and Russia."
"Because this here Edwin was at the bottom of it?" Morris inquired.
"That's what the Kaiser _said_," Abe replied.
"Maybe he also caught the poor Czar _selig_ eating with his knife or
something," Morris suggested.
"That he didn't say, neither," Abe answered, "but he might just so well
have said it, for all it would go down with me, Mawruss, because we all
know how kings sow their rolled oats, Mawruss, and any king which
wouldn't associate with any other king on the grounds of running around
the streets till all hours of the night or gambling, y'understand, if
that ain't a case of a pot calling a kettle, I don't know what is."
"And I suppose he topped off them lies by getting religious, ain't it?"
Morris remarked.
"Naturally," Abe said. "And in particular he got very sore at the
Freemasons on account of them being atheists."
"That's the first time I hear that about the Freemasons," Morris
observed. "I think, myself, that he was getting them mixed up with the
Elks."
"The Elks ain't atheists," Abe said.
"I know they ain't, but at the same time they ain't religious fanatics
exactly," Morris said, "which to a particular feller like the Kaiser
would be quite enough, Abe."
"Also, Mawruss," Abe went on, "he claims that the Freemasons is all
Bolshevists, and in fact, from the way he carried on about the
Freemasons, you would think he was crazy on the subject."
"Maybe they once turned him down or something," Morris commented, "which
when I was treasurer of Friendship Lodge, 129, I. O. M. A., before we
quit giving sick benefits, Abe, we turned down a feller by the name
Turkeltaub on account of varicose veins, and the way he went around
calling us all kinds of highwaymen you wouldn't believe at all."
"But the newspaper feller that interviewed him says that the Kaiser
seems to be in pretty good health, Mawruss," Abe declared.
"That don't make him a good risk, neither," Morris retorted. "I suppose
the interviewer didn't say how his appetite was."
"What's his appetite got to do with it?" Abe asked.
"Because, in speaking of murderers just before they go to the chair,
Abe," Morris concluded, "the newspaper always say, 'The condemned man
ate hearty.'"
XI
IT IS STILL UP IN THE AIR, BUT YOU CAN'T SAY THE SAME FOR TRANSATLANTIC
VOYAGES
"I am surprised to see that an old-established and well-settled
government like Mexico should got a revolution on his hands, Mawruss,"
Abe Potash declared as he skimmed the head-lines in the morning papers.
"What makes you think that Mexico is an old-established and well-settled
government, Abe?" Morris Perlmutter asked.
"Germany and Hungary do," Abe replied, "which up to the time this here
General Blanquet lands the other day in Mexico, people was beginning to
say that why couldn't Germany have one last revolution and stick to it
and look at Mexico the way she settled down, not having had a single
revolution to speak of since January fifteenth, nineteen-nineteen."
"Well, I think the reason why the Mexicans 'ain't had a revolution in so
long isn't because they didn't want to, Abe," Morris said, "but because
it has taken them all that time to learn the technical terms. You see, a
really and truly up-to-date revolution couldn't be run off nowadays,
Abe, unless it is one of them Bolshevik Type revolutions, and in order
to get the right kind of newspaper publicity for it the management has
got to know enough Russian not to say _soviet_ when they mean _mir_.
Also I bet yer when it comes to a zemstvo, the Mexicans don't know even
now whether you dance it to a guitar and cascanet accompaniment or eat
it with garlic and chili sauce."
"A feller could make quite some money nowadays from teaching Russian by
mail to revolutionary socialists," Abe commented.
"That ain't necessary in this country, Abe," Morris said, "because the
Bolshevik government in Russia has sent over here a feller by the name
of Martens to give a course in Bolshevism to American working-men."
"And did our government let him land?" Abe asked.
"Seemingly they did," Morris replied, "which is pretty liberal of our
government when you consider that right now we got American soldiers in
Russia which is fighting Bolshevism."
"It's even more than liberal, it's crazy," Abe said, "because while I
believe in free speech, y'understand, Bolshevik speeches ain't free by a
whole lot. Over in Hungary they became payable in thirty, sixty, and
ninety days and the only people which ain't ruined by them is the makers
and indorsers."
"You are right about the makers, Abe," Morris commented. "For the most
part they are a bunch of no-account foreigners which all they risk by
making such speeches is hoarseness, y'understand, but some of the
indorsers of such speeches comes from the best American families, and if
the time ever comes when there _should_ be a little temporary Bolshevik
trouble by foreigners in this country who have been encouraged by the
liberal attitude of the government to think that the worst which could
happen to them would be ten dollars or ten days, y'understand, them
indorsers would got to pay the same like any other decent, respectable
people which ain't Bolsheviks. Take, for example, in Hungary and the
protelariats is making the middle class give up their bath-rooms to the
working-people every Saturday night."
"But the protelariats in New York has all got bath-rooms in their
tenement-houses, Mawruss," Abe protested.
"I know they have, but they'll probably figure that why should they
trouble themselves to empty the coal out of their bath-tubs, which is
what them protelariats now use bath-tubs for, Abe, just to save the
middle class the inconvenience of changing their bath night from
Saturday to Friday," Morris said, "but at the same time, Abe, it don't
look to me that a country which has got the modern convenience of
America is going to go Bolshevik for the next few hundred years, anyway,
because it is my idee that what makes a people become Bolsheviks is the
lack of good plumbing and savings-bank accounts, and rather as have the
privacy of their bath-rooms and their savings-bank accounts invaded,
the big majority of the American people would declare the United States
of America an obsolete monarchy with Ivan D. Ivanovitch, alias John D.
Rockafeller, Jr., as the first Czar, understand me."
"Well, if I would be the United States government I wouldn't let a
Bolshevik land exactly," Abe declared.
"What do you mean--you wouldn't let him land _exactly_?" Morris asked.
"I mean what I say," Abe said. "I would let him pretty nearly land and
then tip up the gang-plank. Also, Mawruss, if I would be the United
States government, I would allow free speech, but not free speakers,
y'understand, which I would make public speaking a profession the same
like lawyers, dentists, or doctors, because if nobody could be a public
speaker without taking a four-year course in public speaking and then
getting licensed to practise as a public speaker after passing an
examination, y'understand, he would think anyhow twice before he says
something in public which would bring him up on charges to show cause
why he shouldn't have his license to practise as a public speaker taken
away from him. In other words, Mawruss, the way I would prevent
Bolshevism is that I would make the sheepskin take the place of the
soapbox as a necessary article for public speaking, and incidentally in
the foreign neighborhoods of our big cities, y'understand, not only
would soap-boxes be used for soap, but it would also go a long way
towards making bath-tubs used for bathing."
"At the same time, Abe," Morris said, "I couldn't help thinking that if
the feller who talks in public was given less to talk about,
y'understand, it would help a whole lot, too, which there wouldn't be
nearly so many loafers go into the Bolshevik line if there wasn't so
many respectable people engaged in what might be called manufacturing
Bolshevik supplies, such as army officers which claims that nobody has a
right to kick if a soldier gets ten years' hard labor for using bad
grammar in speaking to an officer, y'understand. Also there is a lot of
state Legislatures in this country which has seemingly formed themselves
into Societies for the Encouragement of Bolshevism by earning, anyhow,
the gratitude of canners and cotton manufacturers who have got women and
children working for them till all hours of the night, y'understand.
Then again there is the perfectly respectable people which would like to
make by law a Sunday out of every week-day and a living tomb out of
Sunday, understand me, and which would have nobody but themselves to
blame if some day they would got to furnish soap and towels for the
protelariats in their bath-rooms."
"Well, I'll tell you," Abe said, "Bolshevism as a form of government is
pretty nearly exploded, Mawruss. It is now used principally as a threat
such as when Germany says if the Polaks get Danzig and West Prussia,
y'understand, Germany would take up Bolshevism, and Paderewski says if
the Polaks don't get Danzig, Poland would take up Bolshevism, understand
me."
"And Paderewski would take up giving piano lessons to raise enough money
to get out of Poland, Abe," Morris commented, "and he would probably
have to do so, too, as there ain't much chance of his getting away with
that Danzig stuff. Also, Abe, we Americans should ought to be the last
to encourage him to think that he will, Abe, because while I don't know
how long it is since Danzig, Germany, was Danzig, Poland, I do know that
it ain't nearly so long ago as Galveston, Texas, was Galveston, Mexico,
y'understand. So, therefore, if Mr. Wilson lets Poland get back Danzig,
it wouldn't be long before Mexico would elect Teresa Carreño or Fannie
Bloomfield Zeisler as President and claim Galveston with a corridor
taking in San Antonio and Houston, understand me."