Bring me a dry Martini, waiter,
Chase in something that's wet,
I was out to a clam bake yesterday,
And I haven't got over it yet.
Throw me a pleasant look, waiter,
Smile at me pretty, don't frown,
And pour some glue on my breakfast
So I can keep it down.
I hear they have discovered the pole, waiter,
I wish I had it here now,
They can't come any too cold for me
To put on my aching brow.
Many a schooner was wrecked last night,
And the waves ran mountain high.
Personally, I was soused to the gills,
But today I'm awfully dry.
It was a terrible night at sea, waiter,
And many are missing, I think,
But as near as I can remember
I never missed a drink.
The one in blue got my purse, waiter,
Her side-kick got my clock,
I don't want to know what time it is,
Please lead me down to the dock.
Lead me down to the dock, waiter,
For a watery grave I pine,
The place for a man that is pickled
Is over my head in brine.
Tell them in Olongapo,
I died as a hero should,
Up to the neck, in cold, cold suds
Guaranteed drawn from the wood.
I'd like to leave you a gift, waiter,
Just to remember me by
And to show you that I'm not tight,
You can have my piece of pie.
And after I sink in the water, waiter,
You'll do me a favor, I hope.
Tell them, if I blow up bubbles
It wasn't from eating soap.