_English
As She is Taught._
“A darling literary curiosity.... The collection is made by a
teacher ... and all the examples in it are genuine; none of them
have been tampered with, or doctored in any way.”
—MARK TWAIN, _in the Century for April, 1887_
_Second Edition._
English
as
She·is·Taught
BEING GENUINE ANSWERS TO EXAMINATION QUESTIONS IN OUR PUBLIC SCHOOLS
COLLECTED BY CAROLINE B. LE ROW
_WITH A COMMENTARY THEREON_
BY
MARK TWAIN.
London
T. FISHER UNWIN
26, PATERNOSTER SQUARE
1887
[ALL RIGHTS RESERVED]
PUBLISHER’S NOTE.
_It is to be noticed that there is a curious sympathy in point of error
on both sides of the Atlantic, for seventeen of the mistakes quoted in
this book as being made in the Public Schools of America appear in
similar or identical words in an Article on “Boys’ Blunders” in the_
CORNHILL MAGAZINE _of June, 1886, which was written by a Master in an
English Public School_.
[Illustration]
Dr. Blimber’s establishment was a great hothouse in which there was a
forcing apparatus incessantly at work. All the boys blew before their
time. Mental green peas were produced at Christmas and intellectual
asparagus all the year round. Mathematical gooseberries (very sour ones)
were common at untimely seasons and from mere sprouts of bushes under
Dr. Blimber’s cultivation. Every description of Greek and Latin
vegetable was got off the dryest twigs of boys under the frostiest
circumstances. Nature was of no consequence at all. No matter what a
young gentleman was intended to bear Dr. Blimber made him bear to
pattern. But the system of forcing was attended with its usual
disadvantages. There was not the right taste about the premature
productions and they didn’t keep well. When poor Paul had spelt out No.
2 he found he had no idea of No. 1, fragments whereof afterwards
obtruded themselves into No. 3 which slided into No. 4 which grafted
itself on to No. 2; so that whether twenty Romuluses made a Remus, or a
verb always agreed with an ancient Briton, or three times four was
Taurus a bull, were open questions with him. But however high and false
the temperature at which Dr. Blimber kept his hothouse, the owners of
the plants were always ready to lend a helping hand at the bellows and
to stir the fire.
_Dombey and Son._—CHARLES DICKENS.
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_Preface._
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_As the greatest compliment that could be paid a writer would be the
assumption that the material contained in this little volume was the
product of that writer’s ingenuity or imagination, it seems needless for
the compiler to state that every line is just what it purports to
be,—bona fide answers to questions asked in the public schools._
_Mark Twain, with his inimitable drollery, comments in the_ CENTURY
MAGAZINE _for April, 1887, upon_ ENGLISH AS SHE IS TAUGHT. _Even this
master of English humor acknowledges his inability to comprehend how
such success in the literature of fun could be attained, not only
without effort or intention, but through heroic struggles to set forth
hard facts and sober statistics. That the English public may have the
benefit of Mark Twain’s comments, his paper is, with his consent, here
reprinted in its complete form. Although this involves a certain amount
of repetition—comment and illustration being too intricately blended to
separate—it is a repetition or_ résumé _of the best things in the book,
such as the wise reader will hardly grumble at_.
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_Contents._
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PAGE.
ENGLISH AS SHE IS TAUGHT, xi
I. ETYMOLOGICAL, 1
II. GRAMMATICAL, 14
III. MATHEMATICAL, 18
IV. GEOGRAPHICAL, 21
V. ORIGINAL, 30
VI. ANALYTICAL, 43
VII. HISTORICAL, 53
VIII. INTELLECTUAL, 67
IX. PHILOSOPHICAL, 89
X. PHYSIOLOGICAL, 93
XI. ASTRONOMICAL, 100
XII. POLITICAL, 103
XIII. MUSICAL, 105
XIV. ORATORICAL, 106
XV. METAPHYSICAL, 108
[Illustration]
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_English as She is Taught._