"You will, I believe, now think I had a second good chance for the

bottomless pit, and indeed Minos seemed inclined to tumble me in, till

he was informed of the revenge taken on me by Rodoric, and my seven

years' subsequent servitude to the widow; which he thought sufficient to

make atonement for all the crimes a single life could admit of, and so

sent me back to try my fortune a third time."

Chapter xi.

_In which Julian relates his adventures in the character of an

avaricious Jew._

"The next character in which I was destined to appear in the flesh was

that of an avaricious Jew. I was born in Alexandria in Egypt. My name

was Balthazar. Nothing very remarkable happened to me till the year of

the memorable tumult in which the Jews of that city are reported in

history to have massacred more Christians than at that time dwelt in it.

Indeed, the truth is, they did maul the dogs pretty handsomely; but I

myself was not present, for as all our people were ordered to be armed,

I took that opportunity of selling two swords, which probably I might

otherwise never have disposed of, they being extremely old and rusty;

so that, having no weapon left, I did not care to venture abroad.

Besides, though I really thought it an act meriting salvation to murder

the Nazarenes, as the fact was to be committed at midnight, at which

time, to avoid suspicion, we were all to sally from our own houses, I

could not persuade myself to consume so much oil in sitting up to that

hour: for these reasons therefore I remained at home that evening.

"I was at this time greatly enamoured with one Hypatia, the daughter of

a philosopher; a young lady of the greatest beauty and merit: indeed,

she had every imaginable ornament both of mind and body. She seemed not

to dislike my person; but there were two obstructions to our marriage,

viz., my religion and her poverty: both which might probably have been

got over, had not those dogs the Christians murdered her; and, what is

worse, afterwards burned her body: worse, I say, because I lost by that

means a jewel of some value, which I had presented to her, designing, if

our nuptials did not take place, to demand it of her back again.

"Being thus disappointed in my love, I soon after left Alexandria and

went to the imperial city, where I apprehended I should find a good

market for jewels on the approaching marriage of the emperor with

Athenais. I disguised myself as a beggar on this journey, for these

reasons: first, as I imagined I should thus carry my jewels with greater

safety; and, secondly, to lessen my expenses; which latter expedient

succeeded so well, that I begged two oboli on my way more than my

travelling cost me, my diet being chiefly roots, and my drink water.

"But, perhaps, it had been better for me if I had been more lavish and

more expeditious; for the ceremony was over before I reached

Constantinople; so that I lost that glorious opportunity of disposing

of my jewels with which many of our people were greatly enriched.

"The life of a miser is very little worth relating, as it is one

constant scheme of getting or saving money. I shall therefore repeat to

you some few only of my adventures, without regard to any order.

"A Roman Jew, who was a great lover of Falernian wine, and who indulged

himself very freely with it, came to dine at my house; when, knowing he

should meet with little wine, and that of the cheaper sort, sent me in

half-a-dozen jars of Falernian. Can you believe I would not give this

man his own wine? Sir, I adulterated it so that I made six jars of

[them] three, which he and his friend drank; the other three I

afterwards sold to the very person who originally sent them me, knowing

he would give a better price than any other.

"A noble Roman came one day to my house in the country, which I had

purchased, for half the value, of a distressed person. My neighbours

paid him the compliment of some music, on which account, when he

departed, he left a piece of gold with me to be distributed among them.

I pocketed this money, and ordered them a small vessel of sour wine,

which I could not have sold for above two drachms, and afterwards made

them pay in work three times the value of it.

"As I was not entirely void of religion, though I pretended to

infinitely more than I had, so I endeavoured to reconcile my

transactions to my conscience as well as possible. Thus I never invited

any one to eat with me, but those on whose pockets I had some design.

After our collation it was constantly my method to set down in a book I

kept for that purpose, what I thought they owed me for their meal.

Indeed, this was generally a hundred times as much as they could have

dined elsewhere for; but, however, it was _quid pro quo_, if not _ad

valorem_. Now, whenever the opportunity offered of imposing on them I

considered it only as paying myself what they owed me: indeed, I did not

always confine myself strictly to what I had set down, however

extravagant that was; but I reconciled taking the overplus to myself as

usance.

"But I was not only too cunning for others--I sometimes overreached

myself. I have contracted distempers for want of food and warmth, which

have put me to the expence of a physician; nay, I once very narrowly

escaped death by taking bad drugs, only to save one seven-eighth per

cent. in the price.

"By these and such like means, in the midst of poverty and every kind of

distress, I saw myself master of an immense fortune, the casting up and

ruminating on which was my daily and only pleasure. This was, however,

obstructed and embittered by two considerations, which against my will

often invaded my thoughts. One, which would have been intolerable (but

that indeed seldom troubled me), was, that I must one day leave my

darling treasure. The other haunted me continually, viz., that my riches

were no greater. However, I comforted myself against this reflection by

an assurance that they would increase daily: on which head my hopes were

so extensive that I may say with Virgil--

'_His ego nec metas rerum nec tempora pono._'

Indeed I am convinced that, had I possessed the whole globe of earth,

save one single drachma, which I had been certain never to be master

of--I am convinced, I say, that single drachma would have given me more

uneasiness than all the rest could afford me pleasure.

"To say the truth, between my solicitude in contriving schemes to

procure money and my extreme anxiety in preserving it, I never had one

moment of ease while awake nor of quiet when in my sleep. In all the

characters through which I have passed, I have never undergone half the

misery I suffered in this; and, indeed, Minos seemed to be of the same

opinion; for while I stood trembling and shaking in expectation of my

sentence he bid me go back about my business, for that nobody was to be

d----n'd in more worlds than one. And, indeed, I have since learnt that

the devil will not receive a miser."

Chapter xii.

_What happened to Julian in the characters of a general, an heir, a

carpenter, and a beau._

"The next step I took into the world was at Apollonia, in Thrace, where

I was born of a beautiful Greek slave, who was the mistress of Eutyches,

a great favourite of the emperor Zeno. That prince, at his restoration,

gave me the command of a cohort, I being then but fifteen years of age;

and a little afterwards, before I had even seen an army, preferred me,

over the heads of all the old officers, to be a tribune.

"As I found an easy access to the emperor, by means of my father's

intimacy with him, he being a very good courtier--or, in other words, a

most prostitute flatterer--so I soon ingratiated myself with Zeno, and

so well imitated my father in flattering him, that he would never part

with me from about his person. So that the first armed force I ever

beheld was that with which Marcian surrounded the palace, where I was

then shut up with the rest of the court.

"I was afterwards put at the head of a legion and ordered to march into

Syria with Theodoric the Goth; that is, I mean my legion was so ordered;

for, as to myself, I remained at court, with the name and pay of a

general, without the labour or the danger.

"As nothing could be more gay, _i.e._, debauched, than Zeno's court, so

the ladies of gay disposition had great sway in it; particularly one,

whose name was Fausta, who, though not extremely handsome, was by her

wit and sprightliness very agreeable to the emperor. With her I lived in

good correspondence, and we together disposed of all kinds of

commissions in the army, not to those who had most merit, but who would

purchase at the highest rate. My levee was now prodigiously thronged by

officers who returned from the campaigns, who, though they might have

been convinced by daily example how ineffectual a recommendation their

services were, still continued indefatigable in attendance, and behaved

to me with as much observance and respect as I should have been entitled

to for making their fortunes, while I suffered them and their families

to starve.

"Several poets, likewise, addressed verses to me, in which they

celebrated my achievements; and what, perhaps, may seem strange to us at

present, I received all this incense with most greedy vanity, without

once reflecting that, as I did not deserve these compliments, they

should rather put me in mind of my defects.

"My father was now dead, and I became so absolute in the emperor's grace

that one unacquainted with courts would scarce believe the servility

with which all kinds of persons who entered the walls of the palace

behaved towards me. A bow, a smile, a nod from me, as I past through

cringing crouds, were esteemed as signal favours; but a gracious word

made any one happy; and, indeed, had this real benefit attending it,

that it drew on the person on whom it was bestowed a very great degree

of respect from all others; for these are of current value in courts,

and, like notes in trading communities, are assignable from one to the

other. The smile of a court favourite immediately raises the person who

receives it, and gives a value to his smile when conferred on an

inferior: thus the smile is transferred from one to the other, and the

great man at last is the person to discount it. For instance, a very low

fellow hath a desire for a place. To whom is he to apply? Not to the

great man; for to him he hath no access. He therefore applies to A, who

is the creature of B, who is the tool of C, who is the flatterer of D,

who is the catamite of E, who is the pimp of F, who is the bully of G,

who is the buffoon of I, who is the husband of K, who is the whore of L,

who is the bastard of M, who is the instrument of the great man. Thus

the smile, descending regularly from the great man to A, is discounted

back again, and at last paid by the great man.

"It is manifest that a court would subsist as difficultly without this

kind of coin as a trading city without paper credit. Indeed, they differ

in this, that their value is not quite so certain, and a favourite may

protest his smile without the danger of bankruptcy.

"In the midst of all this glory the emperor died, and Anastasius was

preferred to the crown. As it was yet uncertain whether I should not

continue in favour, I was received as usual at my entrance into the

palace to pay my respects to the new emperor; but I was no sooner rumped

by him than I received the same compliment from all the rest; the whole

room, like a regiment of soldiers, turning their backs to me all at

once: my smile now was become of equal value with the note of a broken

banker, and every one was as cautious not to receive it.

"I made as much haste as possible from the court, and shortly after from

the city, retreating to the place of my nativity, where I spent the

remainder of my days in a retired life in husbandry, the only amusement

for which I was qualified, having neither learning nor virtue.

"When I came to the gate Minos again seemed at first doubtful, but at

length dismissed me; saying though I had been guilty of many heinous

crimes, in as much as I had, though a general, never been concerned in

spilling human blood, I might return again to earth.

"I was now again born in Alexandria, and, by great accident, entring

into the womb of my daughter-in-law, came forth my own grandson,

inheriting that fortune which I had before amassed.

"Extravagance was now as notoriously my vice as avarice had been

formerly; and I spent in a very short life what had cost me the labour

of a very long one to rake together. Perhaps you will think my present

condition was more to be envied than my former: but upon my word it was

very little so; for, by possessing everything almost before I desired

it, I could hardly ever say I enjoyed my wish: I scarce ever knew the

delight of satisfying a craving appetite. Besides, as I never once

thought, my mind was useless to me, and I was an absolute stranger to

all the pleasures arising from it. Nor, indeed, did my education qualify

me for any delicacy in other enjoyments; so that in the midst of plenty

I loathed everything. Taste for elegance I had none; and the greatest

of corporeal blisses I felt no more from than the lowest animal. In a

word, as while a miser I had plenty without daring to use it, so now I

had it without appetite.

"But if I was not very happy in the height of my enjoyment, so I

afterwards became perfectly miserable; being soon overtaken by disease,

and reduced to distress, till at length, with a broken constitution and

broken heart, I ended my wretched days in a gaol: nor can I think the

sentence of Minos too mild, who condemned me, after having taken a large

dose of avarice, to wander three years on the banks of Cocytus, with the

knowledge of having spent the fortune in the person of the grandson

which I had raised in that of the grandfather.

"The place of my birth, on my return to the world, was Constantinople,

where my father was a carpenter. The first thing I remember was, the

triumph of Belisarius, which was, indeed, a most noble shew; but nothing

pleased me so much as the figure of Gelimer, king of the African

Vandals, who, being led captive on this occasion, reflecting with

disdain on the mutation of his own fortune, and on the ridiculous empty

pomp of the conqueror, cried out, 'VANITY, VANITY, ALL IS MERE VANITY.'

"I was bred up to my father's trade, and you may easily believe so low a

sphere could produce no adventures worth your notice. However, I married

a woman I liked, and who proved a very tolerable wife. My days were past

in hard labour, but this procured me health, and I enjoyed a homely

supper at night with my wife with more pleasure than I apprehend greater

persons find at their luxurious meals. My life had scarce any variety in

it, and at my death I advanced to Minos with great confidence of

entering the gate: but I was unhappily obliged to discover some frauds

I had been guilty of in the measure of my work when I worked by the

foot, as well as my laziness when I was employed by the day. On which

account, when I attempted to pass, the angry judge laid hold on me by

the shoulders, and turned me back so violently, that, had I had a neck

of flesh and bone, I believe he would have broke it."

Chapter xiii.

_Julian passes into a fop._

"My scene of action was Rome. I was born into a noble family, and heir

to a considerable fortune. On which my parents, thinking I should not

want any talents, resolved very kindly and wisely to throw none away

upon me. The only instructors of my youth were therefore one Saltator,

who taught me several motions for my legs; and one Ficus, whose business

was to shew me the cleanest way (as he called it) of cutting off a man's

head. When I was well accomplished in these sciences, I thought nothing

more wanting, but what was to be furnished by the several mechanics in

Rome, who dealt in dressing and adorning the pope. Being therefore well

equipped with all which their art could produce, I became at the age of

twenty a complete finished beau. And now during forty-five years I

drest, I sang and danced, and danced and sang, I bowed and ogled, and

ogled and bowed, till, in the sixty-sixth year of my age, I got cold by

overheating myself with dancing, and died.

"Minos told me, as I was unworthy of Elysium, so I was too insignificant

to be damned, and therefore bad me walk back again."

Chapter xiv.

_Adventures in the person of a monk._

"Fortune now placed me in the character of a younger brother of a good

house, and I was in my youth sent to school; but learning was now at so

low an ebb, that my master himself could hardly construe a sentence of

Latin; and as for Greek, he could not read it. With very little

knowledge therefore, and with altogether as little virtue, I was set

apart for the church, and at the proper age commenced monk. I lived many

years retired in a cell, a life very agreeable to the gloominess of my

temper, which was much inclined to despise the world; that is, in other

words, to envy all men of superior fortune and qualifications, and in

general to hate and detest the human species. Notwithstanding which, I

could, on proper occasions, submit to flatter the vilest fellow in

nature, which I did one Stephen, an eunuch, a favourite of the emperor

Justinian II., one of the wickedest wretches whom perhaps the world ever

saw. I not only wrote a panegyric on this man, but I commended him as a

pattern to all others in my sermons; by which means I so greatly

ingratiated myself with him, that he introduced me to the emperor's

presence, where I prevailed so far by the same methods, that I was

shortly taken from my cell, and preferred to a place at court. I was no

sooner established in the favour of Justinian than I prompted him to all

kind of cruelty. As I was of a sour morose temper, and hated nothing

more than the symptoms of happiness appearing in any countenance, I

represented all kind of diversion and amusement as the most horrid sins.

I inveighed against chearfulness as levity, and encouraged nothing but

gravity, or, to confess the truth to you, hypocrisy. The unhappy

emperor followed my advice, and incensed the people by such repeated

barbarities, that he was at last deposed by them and banished.

"I now retired again to my cell (for historians mistake in saying I was

put to death), where I remained safe from the danger of the irritated

mob, whom I cursed in my own heart as much as they could curse me.

"Justinian, after three years of his banishment, returned to

Constantinople in disguise, and paid me a visit. I at first affected not

to know him, and without the least compunction of gratitude for his

former favours, intended not to receive him, till a thought immediately

suggesting itself to me how I might convert him to my advantage, I

pretended to recollect him; and, blaming the shortness of my memory and

badness of my eyes, I sprung forward and embraced him with great

affection.

"My design was to betray him to Apsimar, who, I doubted not, would

generously reward such a service. I therefore very earnestly requested

him to spend the whole evening with me; to which he consented. I formed

an excuse for leaving him a few minutes, and ran away to the palace to

acquaint Apsimar with the guest whom I had then in my cell. He presently

ordered a guard to go with me and seize him; but, whether the length of

my stay gave him any suspicion, or whether he changed his purpose after

my departure, I know not; for at my return we found he had given us the

slip; nor could we with the most diligent search discover him.

"Apsimar, being disappointed of his prey, now raged at me; at first

denouncing the most dreadful vengeance if I did not produce the deposed

monarch. However, by soothing his passion when at the highest, and

afterwards by canting and flattery, I made a shift to escape his fury.

"When Justinian was restored I very confidently went to wish him joy of

his restoration: but it seems he had unfortunately heard of my

treachery, so that he at first received me coldly, and afterwards

upbraided me openly with what I had done. I persevered stoutly in

denying it, as I knew no evidence could be produced against me; till,

finding him irreconcilable, I betook myself to reviling him in my

sermons, and on every other occasion, as an enemy to the church and good

men, and as an infidel, a heretic, an atheist, a heathen, and an Arian.

This I did immediately on his return, and before he gave those flagrant

proofs of his inhumanity which afterwards sufficiently verified all I

had said.

"Luckily I died on the same day when a great number of those forces

which Justinian had sent against the Thracian Bosphorus, and who had

executed such unheard-of cruelties there, perished. As every one of

these was cast into the bottomless pit, Minos was so tired with

condemnation, that he proclaimed that all present who had not been

concerned in that bloody expedition might, if they pleased, return to

the other world. I took him at his word, and, presently turning about,

began my journey."

Chapter xv.

_Julian passes into the character of a fidler._

"Rome was now the seat of my nativity. My mother was an African, a woman

of no great beauty, but a favourite, I suppose from her piety, of pope

Gregory II. Who was my father I know not, but I believe no very

considerable man; for after the death of that pope, who was, out of his

religion, a very good friend of my mother, we fell into great distress,

and were at length reduced to walk the streets of Rome; nor had either

of us any other support but a fiddle, on which I played with pretty

tolerable skill; for, as my genius turned naturally to music, so I had

been in my youth very early instructed at the expense of the good pope.

This afforded us but a very poor livelihood: for, though I had often a

numerous croud of hearers, few ever thought themselves obliged to

contribute the smallest pittance to the poor starving wretch who had

given them pleasure. Nay, some of the graver sort, after an hour's

attention to my music, have gone away shaking their heads, and crying it

was a shame such vagabonds were suffered to stay in the city.

"To say the truth, I am confident the fiddle would not have kept us

alive had we entirely depended on the generosity of my hearers. My

mother therefore was forced to use her own industry; and while I was

soothing the ears of the croud, she applied to their pockets, and that

generally with such good success that we now began to enjoy a very

comfortable subsistence; and indeed, had we had the least prudence or

forecast, might have soon acquired enough to enable us to quit this

dangerous and dishonourable way of life: but I know not what is the

reason that money got with labour and safety is constantly preserved,

while the produce of danger and ease is commonly spent as easily, and

often as wickedly, as acquired. Thus we proportioned our expenses rather

by what we had than what we wanted or even desired; and on obtaining a

considerable booty we have even forced nature into the most profligate

extravagance, and have been wicked without inclination.

"We carried on this method of thievery for a long time without

detection: but, as Fortune generally leaves persons of extraordinary

ingenuity in the lurch at last, so did she us; for my poor mother was

taken in the fact, and, together with myself, as her accomplice, hurried

before a magistrate.

"Luckily for us, the person who was to be our judge was the greatest

lover of music in the whole city, and had often sent for me to play to

him, for which, as he had given me very small rewards, perhaps his

gratitude now moved him: but, whatever was his motive, he browbeat the

informers against us, and treated their evidence with so little favour,

that their mouths were soon stopped, and we dismissed with honour;

acquitted, I should rather have said, for we were not suffered to depart

till I had given the judge several tunes on the fiddle.

"We escaped the better on this occasion because the person robbed

happened to be a poet; which gave the judge, who was a facetious person,

many opportunities of jesting. He said poets and musicians should agree

together, seeing they had married sisters; which he afterwards explained

to be the sister arts. And when the piece of gold was produced he burst

into a loud laugh, and said it must be the golden age, when poets had

gold in their pockets, and in that age there could be no robbers. He

made many more jests of the same kind, but a small taste will suffice.

"It is a common saying that men should take warning by any signal

delivery; but I cannot approve the justice of it; for to me it seems

that the acquittal of a guilty person should rather inspire him with

confidence, and it had this effect on us: for we now laughed at the law,

and despised its punishments, which we found were to be escaped even

against positive evidence. We imagined the late example was rather a

warning to the accuser than the criminal, and accordingly proceeded in

the most impudent and flagitious manner.

"Among other robberies, one night, being admitted by the servants into

the house of an opulent priest, my mother took an opportunity, whilst

the servants were dancing to my tunes, to convey away a silver vessel;

this she did without the least sacrilegious intention; but it seems the

cup, which was a pretty large one, was dedicated to holy uses, and only

borrowed by the priest on an entertainment which he made for some of his

brethren. We were immediately pursued upon this robbery (the cup being

taken in our possession), and carried before the same magistrate, who

had before behaved to us with so much gentleness: but his countenance

was now changed, for the moment the priest appeared against us, his

severity was as remarkable as his candour had been before, and we were

both ordered to be stript and whipt through the streets.

"This sentence was executed with great severity, the priest himself

attending and encouraging the executioner, which he said he did for the

good of our souls; but, though our backs were both flead, neither my

mother's torments nor my own afflicted me so much as the indignity

offered to my poor fiddle, which was carried in triumph before me, and

treated with a contempt by the multitude, intimating a great scorn for

the science I had the honour to profess; which, as it is one of the

noblest inventions of men, and as I had been always in the highest

degree proud of my excellence in it, I suffered so much from the

ill-treatment my fiddle received, that I would have given all my

remainder of skin to have preserved it from this affront.

"My mother survived the whipping a very short time; and I was now

reduced to great distress and misery, till a young Roman of considerable

rank took a fancy to me, received me into his family, and conversed

with me in the utmost familiarity. He had a violent attachment to music,

and would learn to play on the fiddle; but, through want of genius for

the science, he never made any considerable progress. However, I

flattered his performance, and he grew extravagantly fond of me for so

doing. Had I continued this behaviour I might possibly have reaped the

greatest advantages from his kindness; but I had raised his own opinion

of his musical abilities so high, that he now began to prefer his skill

to mine, a presumption I could not bear. One day as we were playing in

concert he was horribly out; nor was it possible, as he destroyed the

harmony, to avoid telling him of it. Instead of receiving my correction,

he answered it was my blunder and not his, and that I had mistaken the

key. Such an affront from my own scholar was beyond human patience; I

flew into a violent passion, I flung down my instrument in a rage, and

swore I was not to be taught music at my age. He answered, with as much

warmth, nor was he to be instructed by a stroling fiddler. The dispute

ended in a challenge to play a prize before judges. This wager was

determined in my favour; but the purchase was a dear one, for I lost my

friend by it, who now, twitting me with all his kindness, with my former

ignominious punishment, and the destitute condition from which I had

been by his bounty relieved, discarded me for ever.

"While I lived with this gentleman I became known, among others, to

Sabina, a lady of distinction, and who valued herself much on her taste

for music. She no sooner heard of my being discarded than she took me

into her house, where I was extremely well cloathed and fed.

Notwithstanding which, my situation was far from agreeable; for I was

obliged to submit to her constant reprehensions before company, which

gave me the greater uneasiness because they were always wrong; nor am I

certain that she did not by these provocations contribute to my death:

for, as experience had taught me to give up my resentment to my bread,

so my passions, for want of outward vent, preyed inwardly on my vitals,

and perhaps occasioned the distemper of which I sickened.

"The lady, who, amidst all the faults she found, was very fond of me,

nay, probably was the fonder of me the more faults she found,

immediately called in the aid of three celebrated physicians. The

doctors (being well fee'd) made me seven visits in three days, and two

of them were at the door to visit me the eighth time, when, being

acquainted that I was just dead, they shook their heads and departed.

"When I came to Minos he asked me with a smile whether I had brought my

fiddle with me; and, receiving an answer in the negative, he bid me get

about my business, saying it was well for me that the devil was no lover

of music."

Chapter xvi.

_The history of the wise man._

"I now returned to Rome, but in a very different character. Fortune had

now allotted me a serious part to act. I had even in my infancy a grave

disposition, nor was I ever seen to smile, which infused an opinion into

all about me that I was a child of great solidity; some foreseeing that

I should be a judge, and others a bishop. At two years old my father

presented me with a rattle, which I broke to pieces with great

indignation. This the good parent, being extremely wise, regarded as an

eminent symptom of my wisdom, and cried out in a kind of extasy, 'Well

said, boy! I warrant thou makest a great man.'

"At school I could never be persuaded to play with my mates; not that I

spent my hours in learning, to which I was not in the least addicted,

nor indeed had I any talents for it. However, the solemnity of my

carriage won so much on my master, who was a most sagacious person, that

I was his chief favourite, and my example on all occasions was

recommended to the other boys, which filled them with envy, and me with

pleasure; but, though they envied me, they all paid me that involuntary

respect which it is the curse attending this passion to bear towards its

object.

"I had now obtained universally the character of a very wise young man,

which I did not altogether purchase without pains; for the restraint I

laid on myself in abstaining from the several diversions adapted to my

years cost me many a yearning; but the pride which I inwardly enjoyed in

the fancied dignity of my character made me some amends.

"Thus I past on, without anything very memorable happening to me, till I

arrived at the age of twenty-three, when unfortunately I fell acquainted

with a young Neapolitan lady whose name was Ariadne. Her beauty was so

exquisite that her first sight made a violent impression on me; this was

again improved by her behaviour, which was most genteel, easy, and

affable: lastly, her conversation compleated the conquest. In this she

discovered a strong and lively understanding, with the sweetest and most

benign temper. This lovely creature was about eighteen when I first

unhappily beheld her at Rome, on a visit to a relation with whom I had

great intimacy. As our interviews at first were extremely frequent, my

passions were captivated before I apprehended the least danger; and the

sooner probably, as the young lady herself, to whom I consulted every

method of recommendation, was not displeased with my being her admirer.

"Ariadne, having spent three months at Rome, now returned to Naples,

bearing my heart with her: on the other hand, I had all the assurances

consistent with the constraint under which the most perfect modesty lays

a young woman, that her own heart was not entirely unaffected. I soon

found her absence gave me an uneasiness not easy to be borne or to

remove. I now first applied to diversions (of the graver sort,

particularly to music), but in vain; they rather raised my desires and

heightened my anguish. My passion at length grew so violent, that I

began to think of satisfying it. As the first step to this, I cautiously

enquired into the circumstances of Ariadne's parents, with which I was

hitherto unacquainted: though, indeed, I did not apprehend they were

extremely great, notwithstanding the handsome appearance of their

daughter at Rome. Upon examination, her fortune exceeded my expectation,

but was not sufficient to justify my marriage with her, in the opinion

of the wise and prudent. I had now a violent struggle between wisdom and

happiness, in which, after several grievous pangs, wisdom got the

better. I could by no means prevail with myself to sacrifice that

character of profound wisdom, which I had with such uniform conduct

obtained, and with such caution hitherto preserved. I therefore resolved

to conquer my affection, whatever it cost me; and indeed it did not cost

me a little.

"While I was engaged in this conflict (for it lasted a long time)

Ariadne returned to Rome: her presence was a terrible enemy to my

wisdom, which even in her absence had with great difficulty stood its

ground. It seems (as she hath since told me in Elysium with much

merriment) I had made the same impressions on her which she had made on

me. Indeed, I believe my wisdom would have been totally subdued by this

surprize, had it not cunningly suggested to me a method of satisfying my

passion without doing any injury to my reputation. This was by engaging

her privately as a mistress, which was at that time reputable enough at

Rome, provided the affair was managed with an air of slyness and

gravity, though the secret was known to the whole city.

"I immediately set about this project, and employed every art and engine

to effect it. I had particularly bribed her priest, and an old female

acquaintance and distant relation of her's, into my interest: but all

was in vain; her virtue opposed the passion in her breast as strongly as

wisdom had opposed it in mine. She received my proposals with the utmost

disdain, and presently refused to see or hear from me any more.

"She returned again to Naples, and left me in a worse condition than

before. My days I now passed with the most irksome uneasiness, and my

nights were restless and sleepless. The story of our amour was now

pretty public, and the ladies talked of our match as certain; but my

acquaintance denied their assent, saying, 'No, no, he is too wise to

marry so imprudently.' This their opinion gave me, I own, very great

pleasure; but, to say the truth, scarce compensated the pangs I suffered

to preserve it.

"One day, while I was balancing with myself, and had almost resolved to

enjoy my happiness at the price of my character, a friend brought me

word that Ariadne was married. This news struck me to the soul; and

though I had resolution enough to maintain my gravity before him (for

which I suffered not a little the more), the moment I was alone I threw

myself into the most violent fit of despair, and would willingly have

parted with wisdom, fortune, and everything else, to have retrieved her;

but that was impossible, and I had now nothing but time to hope a cure

from. This was very tedious in performing it, and the longer as Ariadne

had married a Roman cavalier, was now become my near neighbour, and I

had the mortification of seeing her make the best of wives, and of

having the happiness which I had lost, every day before my eyes.

"If I suffered so much on account of my wisdom in having refused

Ariadne, I was not much more obliged to it for procuring me a rich

widow, who was recommended to me by an old friend as a very prudent

match; and, indeed, so it was, her fortune being superior to mine in the

same proportion as that of Ariadne had been inferior. I therefore

embraced this proposal, and my character of wisdom soon pleaded so

effectually for me with the widow, who was herself a woman of great

gravity and discretion, that I soon succeeded; and as soon as decency

would permit (of which this lady was the strictest observer) we were

married, being the second day of the second week of the second year

after her husband's death; for she said she thought some period of time

above the year had a great air of decorum.

"But, prudent as this lady was, she made me miserable. Her person was

far from being lovely, but her temper was intolerable. During fifteen

years' habitation, I never passed a single day without heartily cursing

her, and the hour in which we came together. The only comfort I

received, in the midst of the highest torments, was from continually

hearing the prudence of my match commended by all my acquaintance.

"Thus you see, in the affairs of love, I bought the reputation of

wisdom pretty dear. In other matters I had it somewhat cheaper; not that

hypocrisy, which was the price I gave for it, gives one no pain. I have

refused myself a thousand little amusements with a feigned contempt,

while I have really had an inclination to them. I have often almost

choaked myself to restrain from laughing at a jest, and (which was

perhaps to myself the least hurtful of all my hypocrisy) have heartily

enjoyed a book in my closet which I have spoken with detestation of in

public. To sum up my history in short, as I had few adventures worth

remembering, my whole life was one constant lie; and happy would it have

been for me if I could as thoroughly have imposed on myself as I did on

others: for reflection, at every turn, would often remind me I was not

so wise as people thought me; and this considerably embittered the

pleasure I received from the public commendation of my wisdom. This

self-admonition, like a _memento mori_ or _mortalis es_, must be, in my

opinion, a very dangerous enemy to flattery: indeed, a weight sufficient

to counterbalance all the false praise of the world. But whether it be

that the generality of wise men do not reflect at all, or whether they

have, from a constant imposition on others, contracted such a habit of

deceit as to deceive themselves, I will not determine: it is, I believe,

most certain that very few wise men know themselves what fools they are,

more than the world doth. Good gods! could one but see what passes in

the closet of wisdom! how ridiculous a sight must it be to behold the

wise man, who despises gratifying his palate, devouring custard; the

sober wise man with his dram-bottle; or, the anti-carnalist (if I may be

allowed the expression) chuckling over a b--dy book or picture, and

perhaps caressing his housemaid!

"But to conclude a character in which I apprehend I made as absurd a

figure as in any in which I trod the stage of earth, my wisdom at last

put an end to itself, that is, occasioned my dissolution.

"A relation of mine in the eastern part of the empire disinherited his

son, and left me his heir. This happened in the depth of winter, when I

was in my grand climacteric, and had just recovered of a dangerous

disease. As I had all the reason imaginable to apprehend the family of

the deceased would conspire against me, and embezzle as much as they

could, I advised with a grave and wise friend what was proper to be

done; whether I should go myself, or employ a notary on this occasion,

and defer my journey to the spring. To say the truth, I was most

inclined to the latter; the rather as my circumstances were extremely

flourishing, as I was advanced in years, and had not one person in the

world to whom I should with pleasure bequeath any fortune at my death.

"My friend told me he thought my question admitted of no manner of doubt

or debate; that common prudence absolutely required my immediate

departure; adding, that if the same good luck had happened to him he

would have been already on his journey; 'for,' continued he, 'a man who

knows the world so well as you, would be inexcusable to give persons

such an opportunity of cheating you, who, you must be assured, will be

too well inclined; and as for employing a notary, remember that

excellent maxim, _Ne facias per alium, quod fieri potest per te_. I own

the badness of the season and your very late recovery are unlucky

circumstances; but a wise man must get over difficulties when necessity

obliges him to encounter them.'

"I was immediately determined by this opinion. The duty of a wise man

made an irresistible impression, and I took the necessity for granted

without examination. I accordingly set forward the next morning; very

tempestuous weather soon overtook me; I had not travelled three days

before I relapsed into my fever, and died.

"I was now as cruelly disappointed by Minos as I had formerly been

happily so. I advanced with the utmost confidence to the gate, and

really imagined I should have been admitted by the wisdom of my

countenance, even without any questions asked: but this was not my case;

and, to my great surprize, Minos, with a menacing voice, called out to

me, 'You Mr there, with the grave countenance, whither so fast, pray?

Will you please, before you move any farther forwards, to give me a

short account of your transactions below?' I then began, and recounted

to him my whole history, still expecting at the end of every period that

the gate would be ordered to fly open; but I was obliged to go quite

through with it, and then Minos after some little consideration spoke to

me as follows:--

"'You, Mr Wiseman, stand forth if you please. Believe me, sir, a trip

back again to earth will be one of the wisest steps you ever took, and

really more to the honour of your wisdom than any you have hitherto

taken. On the other side, nothing could be simpler than to endeavour at

Elysium; for who but a fool would carry a commodity, which is of such

infinite value in one place, into another where it is of none? But,

without attempting to offend your gravity with a jest, you must return

to the place from whence you came, for Elysium was never designed for

those who are too wise to be happy.'

"This sentence confounded me greatly, especially as it seemed to

threaten me with carrying my wisdom back again to earth. I told the

judge, though he would not admit me at the gate, I hoped I had committed

no crime while alive which merited my being wise any longer. He

answered me, I must take my chance as to that matter, and immediately we

turned our backs to each other."

Chapter xvii.

_Julian enters into the person of a king._

"I was now born at Oviedo in Spain. My father's name was Veremond, and I

was adopted by my uncle king Alphonso the chaste. I don't recollect in

all the pilgrimages I have made on earth that I ever past a more

miserable infancy than now; being under the utmost confinement and

restraint, and surrounded with physicians who were ever dosing me, and

tutors who were continually plaguing me with their instructions; even

those hours of leisure which my inclination would have spent in play

were allotted to tedious pomp and ceremony, which, at an age wherein I

had no ambition to enjoy the servility of courtiers, enslaved me more

than it could the meanest of them. However, as I advanced towards

manhood, my condition made me some amends; for the most beautiful women

of their own accord threw out lures for me, and I had the happiness,

which no man in an inferior degree can arrive at, of enjoying the most

delicious creatures, without the previous and tiresome ceremonies of

courtship, unless with the most simple, young, and unexperienced. As for

the court ladies, they regarded me rather as men do the most lovely of

the other sex; and, though they outwardly retained some appearance of

modesty, they in reality rather considered themselves as receiving than

conferring favours.

"Another happiness I enjoyed was in conferring favours of another sort;

for, as I was extremely good-natured and generous, so I had daily

opportunities of satisfying those passions. Besides my own princely

allowance, which was very bountiful, and with which I did many liberal

and good actions, I recommended numberless persons of merit in distress

to the king's notice, most of whom were provided for. Indeed, had I

sufficiently known my blest situation at this time, I should have

grieved at nothing more than the death of Alphonso, by which the burden

of government devolved upon me; but, so blindly fond is ambition, and

such charms doth it fancy in the power and pomp and splendour of a

crown, that, though I vehemently loved that king, and had the greatest

obligations to him, the thoughts of succeeding him obliterated my regret

at his loss, and the wish for my approaching coronation dried my eyes at

his funeral.

"But my fondness for the name of king did not make me forgetful of those

over whom I was to reign. I considered them in the light in which a

tender father regards his children, as persons whose wellbeing God had

intrusted to my care; and again, in that in which a prudent lord

respects his tenants, as those on whose wealth and grandeur he is to

build his own. Both these considerations inspired me with the greatest

care for their welfare, and their good was my first and ultimate

concern.

"The usurper Mauregas had impiously obliged himself and his successors

to pay to the Moors every year an infamous tribute of an hundred young

virgins: from this cruel and scandalous imposition I resolved to relieve

my country. Accordingly, when their emperor Abderames the second had the

audaciousness to make this demand of me, instead of complying with it I

ordered his ambassadors to be driven away with all imaginable ignominy,

and would have condemned them to death, could I have done it without a

manifest violation of the law of nations.

"I now raised an immense army; at the levying of which I made a speech

from my throne, acquainting my subjects with the necessity and the

reasons of the war in which I was going to engage: which I convinced

them I had undertaken for their ease and safety, and not for satisfying

any wanton ambition, or revenging any private pique of my own. They all

declared unanimously that they would venture their lives and everything

dear to them in my defence, and in the support of the honour of my

crown. Accordingly, my levies were instantly complete, sufficient

numbers being only left to till the land; churchmen, even bishops

themselves, enlisting themselves under my banners.

"The armies met at Alvelda, where we were discomfited with immense loss,

and nothing but the lucky intervention of the night could have saved our

whole army.

"I retreated to the summit of a hill, where I abandoned myself to the

highest agonies of grief, not so much for the danger in which I then saw

my crown, as for the loss of those miserable wretches who had exposed

their lives at my command. I could not then avoid this reflection--that,

if the deaths of these people in a war undertaken absolutely for their

protection could give me such concern, what horror must I have felt if,

like princes greedy of dominion, I had sacrificed such numbers to my own

pride, vanity, and ridiculous lust of power.

"After having vented my sorrows for some time in this manner, I began to

consider by what means I might possibly endeavour to retrieve this

misfortune; when, reflecting on the great number of priests I had in my

army, and on the prodigious force of superstition, a thought luckily

suggested itself to me, to counterfeit that St James had appeared to me

in a vision, and had promised me the victory. While I was ruminating on

this the bishop of Najara came opportunely to me. As I did not intend to

communicate the secret to him, I took another method, and, instead of

answering anything the bishop said to me, I pretended to talk to St

James, as if he had been really present; till at length, after having

spoke those things which I thought sufficient, and thanked the saint

aloud for his promise of the victory, I turned about to the bishop, and,

embracing him with a pleased countenance, protested I did not know he

was present; and then, informing him of this supposed vision, I asked

him if he had not himself seen the saint? He answered me he had; and

afterwards proceeded to assure me that this appearance of St James was

entirely owing to his prayers; for that he was his tutelar saint. He

added he had a vision of him a few hours before, when he promised him a

victory over the infidels, and acquainted him at the same time of the

vacancy of the see of Toledo. Now, this news being really true, though

it had happened so lately that I had not heard of it (nor, indeed, was

it well possible I should, considering the great distance of the way),

when I was afterwards acquainted with it, a little staggered me, though

far from being superstitious; till being informed that the bishop had

lost three horses on a late expedition, I was satisfied.

"The next morning, the bishop, at my desire, mounted the rostrum, and

trumpeted forth this vision so effectually, which he said he had that

evening twice seen with his own eyes, that a spirit began to be infused

through the whole army which rendered them superior to almost any force:

the bishop insisted that the least doubt of success was giving the lie

to the saint, and a damnable sin, and he took upon him in his name to

promise them victory.

"The army being drawn out, I soon experienced the effect of enthusiasm,

for, having contrived another stratagem[I] to strengthen what the bishop

had said, the soldiers fought more like furies than men. My stratagem

was this: I had about me a dexterous fellow, who had been formerly a

pimp in my amours. Him I drest up in a strange antick dress, with a pair

of white colours in his right hand, a red cross in his left, and having

disguised him so that no one could know him, I placed him on a white

horse, and ordered him to ride to the head of the army, and cry out,

'Follow St James!' These words were reiterated by all the troops, who

attacked the enemy with such intrepidity, that, notwithstanding our

inferiority of numbers, we soon obtained a complete victory.

"The bishop was come up by the time that the enemy was routed, and,

acquainting us that he had met St James by the way, and that he had

informed him of what had past, he added that he had express orders from

the saint to receive a considerable sum for his use, and that a certain

tax on corn and wine should be settled on his church for ever; and

lastly, that a horseman's pay should be allowed for the future to the

saint himself, of which he and his successors were appointed receivers.

The army received these demands with such acclamations that I was

obliged to comply with them, as I could by no means discover the

imposition, nor do I believe I should have gained any credit if I had.

"I had now done with the saint, but the bishop had not; for about a

week afterwards lights were seen in a wood near where the battle was

fought; and in a short time afterwards they discovered his tomb at the

same place. Upon this the bishop made me a visit, and forced me to go

thither, to build a church to him, and largely endow it. In a word, the

good man so plagued me with miracle after miracle, that I was forced to

make interest with the pope to convey him to Toledo, to get rid of him.

"But to proceed to other matters.--There was an inferior officer, who

had behaved very bravely in the battle against the Moors, and had

received several wounds, who solicited me for preferment; which I was

about to confer on him, when one of my ministers came to me in a fright,

and told me that he had promised the post I designed for this man to the

son of count Alderedo; and that the count, who was a powerful person,

would be greatly disobliged at the refusal, as he had sent for his son

from school to take possession of it. I was obliged to agree with my

minister's reasons, and at the same time recommended the wounded soldier

to be preferred by him, which he faithfully promised he would; but I met

the poor wretch since in Elysium, who informed me he was afterwards

starved to death.

"None who hath not been himself a prince, nor any prince till his death,

can conceive the impositions daily put on them by their favourites and

ministers; so that princes are often blamed for the faults of others.

The count of Saldagne had been long confined in prison, when his son D.

Bernard del Carpio, who had performed the greatest actions against the

Moors, entreated me, as a reward for his service, to grant him his

father's liberty. The old man's punishment had been so tedious, and the

services of the young one so singularly eminent, that I was very

inclinable to grant the request; but my ministers strongly opposed it;

they told me my glory demanded revenge for the dishonour offered to my

family; that so positive a demand carried with it rather the air of

menace than entreaty; that the vain detail of his services, and the

recompense due to them, was an injurious reproach; that to grant what

had been so haughtily demanded would argue in the monarch both weakness

and timidity; in a word, that to remit the punishment inflicted by my

predecessors would be to condemn their judgment. Lastly, one told me in

a whisper, 'His whole family are enemies to your house.' By these means

the ministers prevailed. The young lord took the refusal so ill, that he

retired from court, and abandoned himself to despair, whilst the old one

languished in prison. By which means, as I have since discovered, I lost

the use of two of my best subjects.

"To confess the truth, I had, by means of my ministers, conceived a very

unjust opinion of my whole people, whom I fancied to be daily conspiring

against me, and to entertain the most disloyal thoughts, when, in

reality (as I have known since my death), they held me in universal

respect and esteem. This is a trick, I believe, too often played with

sovereigns, who, by such means, are prevented from that open intercourse

with their subjects which, as it would greatly endear the person of the

prince to the people, so might it often prove dangerous to a minister

who was consulting his own interest only at the expense of both. I

believe I have now recounted to you the most material passages of my

life; for I assure you there are some incidents in the lives of kings

not extremely worth relating. Everything which passes in their minds and

families is not attended with the splendour which surrounds their

throne--indeed, there are some hours wherein the naked king and the

naked cobbler can scarce be distinguished from each other.

"Had it not been, however, for my ingratitude to Bernard del Carpio, I

believe this would have been my last pilgrimage on earth; for, as to the

story of St James, I thought Minos would have burst his sides at it; but

he was so displeased with me on the other account, that, with a frown,

he cried out, 'Get thee back again, king.' Nor would he suffer me to say

another word."

Chapter xviii.

_Julian passes into a fool._

"The next visit I made to the world was performed in France, where I was

born in the court of Lewis III., and had afterwards the honour to be

preferred to be fool to the prince, who was surnamed Charles the Simple.

But, in reality, I know not whether I might so properly be said to have

acted the fool in his court as to have made fools of all others in it.

Certain it is, I was very far from being what is generally understood by

that word, being a most cunning, designing, arch knave. I knew very well

the folly of my master, and of many others, and how to make my advantage

of this knowledge.

"I was as dear to Charles the Simple as the player Paris was to

Domitian, and, like him, bestowed all manner of offices and honours on

whom I pleased. This drew me a great number of followers among the

courtiers, who really mistook me for a fool, and yet flattered my

understanding. There was particularly in the court a fellow who had

neither honour, honesty, sense, wit, courage, beauty, nor indeed any one

good quality, either of mind or body, to recommend him; but was at the

same time, perhaps, as cunning a monster as ever lived. This gentleman

took it into his head to list under my banner, and pursued me so very

assiduously with flattery, constantly reminding me of my good sense,

that I grew immoderately fond of him; for though flattery is not most

judiciously applied to qualities which the persons flattered possess,

yet as, notwithstanding my being well assured of my own parts, I past in

the whole court for a fool, this flattery was a very sweet morsel to me.

I therefore got this fellow preferred to a bishopric, but I lost my

flatterer by it; for he never afterwards said a civil thing to me.

"I never baulked my imagination for the grossness of the reflection on

the character of the greatest noble--nay, even the king himself; of

which I will give you a very bold instance. One day his simple majesty

told me he believed I had so much power that his people looked on me as

the king, and himself as my fool. At this I pretended to be angry, as

with an affront. 'Why, how now?' says the king; 'are you ashamed of

being a king?' 'No, sir,' says I, 'but I am devilishly ashamed of my

fool.'

"Herbert, earl of Vermandois, had by my means been restored to the

favour of the Simple (for so I used always to call Charles). He

afterwards prevailed with the king to take the city of Arras from earl

Baldwin, by which means, Herbert, in exchange for this city, had Peronne

restored to him by count Altmar. Baldwin came to court in order to

procure the restoration of his city; but, either through pride or

ignorance, neglected to apply to me. As I met him at court during his

solicitation, I told him he did not apply the right way; he answered

roughly he should not ask a fool's advice. I replied I did not wonder at

his prejudice, since he had miscarried already by following a fool's

advice; but I told him there were fools who had more interest than that

he had brought with him to court. He answered me surlily he had no fool

with him, for that he travelled alone. 'Ay, my lord,' says I, 'I often

travel alone, and yet they will have it I always carry a fool with me.'

This raised a laugh among the bystanders, on which he gave me a blow. I

immediately complained of this usage to the Simple, who dismissed the

earl from court with very hard words, instead of granting him the favour

he solicited.

"I give you these rather as a specimen of my interest and impudence than

of my wit--indeed, my jests were commonly more admired than they ought

to be; for perhaps I was not in reality much more a wit than a fool.

But, with the latitude of unbounded scurrility, it is easy enough to

attain the character of wit, especially in a court, where, as all

persons hate and envy one another heartily, and are at the same time

obliged by the constrained behaviour of civility to profess the greatest

liking, so it is, and must be, wonderfully pleasant to them to see the

follies of their acquaintance exposed by a third person. Besides, the

opinion of the court is as uniform as the fashion, and is always guided

by the will of the prince or of the favourite. I doubt not that

Caligula's horse was universally held in his court to be a good and able

consul. In the same manner was I universally acknowledged to be the

wittiest fool in the world. Every word I said raised laughter, and was

held to be a jest, especially by the ladies, who sometimes laughed

before I had discovered my sentiment, and often repeated that as a jest

which I did not even intend as one.

"I was as severe on the ladies as on the men, and with the same

impunity; but this at last cost me dear: for once having joked on the

beauty of a lady whose name was Adelaide, a favourite of the Simple's,

she pretended to smile and be pleased at my wit with the rest of the

company; but in reality she highly resented it, and endeavoured to

undermine me with the king. In which she so greatly succeeded (for what

cannot a favourite woman do with one who deserves the surname of

Simple?) that the king grew every day more reserved to me, and when I

attempted any freedom gave me such marks of his displeasure, that the

courtiers who have all hawks' eyes at a slight from the sovereign, soon

discerned it: and indeed, had I been blind enough not to have discovered

that I had lost ground in the Simple's favour by his own change in his

carriage towards me, I must have found it, nay even felt it, in the

behaviour of the courtiers: for, as my company was two days before

solicited with the utmost eagerness, it was now rejected with as much

scorn. I was now the jest of the ushers and pages; and an officer of the

guards, on whom I was a little jocose, gave me a box on the ear, bidding

me make free with my equals. This very fellow had been my butt for many

years, without daring to lift his hand against me.

"But though I visibly perceived the alteration in the Simple, I was

utterly unable to make any guess at the occasion. I had not the least

suspicion of Adelaide; for, besides her being a very good-humoured

woman, I had often made severe jests on her reputation, which I had all

the reason imaginable to believe had given her no offence. But I soon

perceived that a woman will bear the most bitter censures on her morals

easier than the smallest reflection on her beauty; for she now declared

publicly, that I ought to be dismissed from court, as the stupidest of

fools, and one in whom there was no diversion; and that she wondered how

any person could have so little taste as to imagine I had any wit. This

speech was echoed through the drawing-room, and agreed to by all

present. Every one now put on an unusual gravity on their countenance

whenever I spoke; and it was as much out of my power to raise a laugh

as formerly it had been for me to open my mouth without one.

"While my affairs were in this posture I went one day into the circle

without my fool's dress. The Simple, who would still speak to me, cried

out, 'So, fool, what's the matter now?' 'Sir,' answered I, 'fools are

like to be so common a commodity at court, that I am weary of my coat.'

'How dost thou mean?' answered the Simple; 'what can make them commoner

now than usual?'--'O, sir,' said I, 'there are ladies here make your

majesty a fool every day of their lives.' The Simple took no notice of

my jest, and several present said my bones ought to be broke for my

impudence; but it pleased the queen, who, knowing Adelaide, whom she

hated, to be the cause of my disgrace, obtained me of the king, and took

me into her service; so that I was henceforth called the queen's fool,

and in her court received the same honour, and had as much wit, as I had

formerly had in the king's. But as the queen had really no power unless

over her own domestics, I was not treated in general with that

complacence, nor did I receive those bribes and presents, which had once

fallen to my share.

"Nor did this confined respect continue long: for the queen, who had in

fact no taste for humour, soon grew sick of my foolery, and, forgetting

the cause for which she had taken me, neglected me so much, that her

court grew intolerable to my temper, and I broke my heart and died.

"Minos laughed heartily at several things in my story, and then, telling

me no one played the fool in Elysium, bid me go back again."

Chapter xix.

_Julian appears in the character of a beggar._

"I now returned to Rome, and was born into a very poor and numerous

family, which, to be honest with you, procured its livelyhood by

begging. This, if you was never yourself of the calling, you do not

know, I suppose, to be as regular a trade as any other; to have its

several rules and secrets, or mysteries, which to learn require perhaps

as tedious an apprenticeship as those of any craft whatever.

"The first thing we are taught is the countenance miserable. This indeed

nature makes much easier to some than others; but there are none who

cannot accomplish it, if they begin early enough in youth, and before

the muscles are grown too stubborn.

"The second thing is the voice lamentable. In this qualification too,

nature must have her share in producing the most consummate excellence:

however, art will here, as in every other instance, go a great way with

industry and application, even without the assistance of genius,

especially if the student begins young.

"There are many other instructions, but these are the most considerable.

The women are taught one practice more than the men, for they are

instructed in the art of crying, that is, to have their tears ready on

all occasions: but this is attained very easily by most. Some indeed

arrive at the utmost perfection in this art with incredible facility.

"No profession requires a deeper insight into human nature than the

beggar's. Their knowledge of the passions of men is so extensive, that I

have often thought it would be of no little service to a politician to

have his education among them. Nay, there is a much greater analogy

between these two characters than is imagined; for both concur in their

first and grand principle, it being equally their business to delude and

impose on mankind. It must be confessed that they differ widely in the

degree of advantage which they make by their deceit; for, whereas the

beggar is contented with a little, the politician leaves but a little

behind.

"A very great English philosopher hath remarked our policy, in taking

care never to address any one with a title inferior to what he really

claims. My father was of the same opinion; for I remember when I was a

boy, the pope happening to pass by, I tended him with 'Pray, sir;' 'For

God's sake, sir;' 'For the Lord's sake, sir;'--To which he answered

gravely, 'Sirrah, sirrah, you ought to be whipt for taking the Lord's

name in vain;' and in vain it was indeed, for he gave me nothing. My

father, overhearing this, took his advice, and whipt me very severely.

While I was under correction I promised often never to take the Lord's

name in vain any more. My father then said, 'Child, I do not whip you

for taking his name in vain; I whip you for not calling the pope his

holiness.'

"If all men were so wise and good to follow the clergy's example, the

nuisance of beggars would soon be removed. I do not remember to have

been above twice relieved by them during my whole state of beggary. Once

was by a very well-looking man, who gave me a small piece of silver, and

declared he had given me more than he had left himself; the other was by

a spruce young fellow, who had that very day first put on his robes,

whom I attended with 'Pray, reverend sir, good reverend sir, consider

your cloth.' He answered, 'I do, child, consider my office, and I hope

all our cloth do the same.' He then threw down some money, and strutted

off with great dignity.

"With the women I had one general formulary: 'Sweet pretty lady,' 'God

bless your ladyship,' 'God bless your handsome face.' This generally

succeeded; but I observed the uglier the woman was, the surer I was of

success.

"It was a constant maxim among us, that the greater retinue any one

travelled with the less expectation we might promise ourselves from

them; but whenever we saw a vehicle with a single or no servant we

imagined our booty sure, and were seldom deceived.

"We observed great difference introduced by time and circumstance in the

same person; for instance, a losing gamester is sometimes generous, but

from a winner you will as easily obtain his soul as a single groat. A

lawyer travelling from his country seat to his clients at Rome, and a

physician going to visit a patient, were always worth asking; but the

same on their return were (according to our cant phrase) untouchable.

"The most general, and indeed the truest, maxim among us was, that those

who possessed the least were always the readiest to give. The chief art

of a beggar-man is, therefore, to discern the rich from the poor, which,

though it be only distinguishing substance from shadow, is by no means

attainable without a pretty good capacity and a vast degree of

attention; for these two are eternally industrious in endeavouring to

counterfeit each other. In this deceit the poor man is more heartily in

earnest to deceive you than the rich, who, amidst all the emblems of

poverty which he puts on, still permits some mark of his wealth to

strike the eye. Thus, while his apparel is not worth a groat, his

finger wears a ring of value, or his pocket a gold watch. In a word, he

seems rather to affect poverty to insult than impose on you. Now the

poor man, on the contrary, is very sincere in his desire of passing for

rich; but the eagerness of this desire hurries him to over-act his part,

and he betrays himself as one who is drunk by his overacted sobriety.

Thus, instead of being attended by one servant well mounted, he will

have two; and, not being able to purchase or maintain a second horse of

value, one of his servants at least is mounted on a hired rascallion. He

is not contented to go plain and neat in his cloathes; he therefore

claps on some tawdry ornament, and what he adds to the fineness of his

vestment he detracts from the fineness of his linnen. Without descending

into more minute particulars, I believe I may assert it as an axiom of

indubitable truth, that whoever shews you he is either in himself or his

equipage as gaudy as he can, convinces you he is more so than he can

afford. Now, whenever a man's expence exceeds his income, he is

indifferent in the degree; we had therefore nothing more to do with such

than to flatter them with their wealth and splendour, and were always

certain of success.

"There is, indeed, one kind of rich man who is commonly more liberal,

namely, where riches surprize him, as it were, in the midst of poverty

and distress, the consequence of which is, I own, sometimes excessive

avarice, but oftener extreme prodigality. I remember one of these who,

having received a pretty large sum of money, gave me, when I begged an

obolus, a whole talent; on which his friend having reproved him, he

answered, with an oath, 'Why not? Have I not fifty left?'

"The life of a beggar, if men estimated things by their real essence,

and not by their outward false appearance, would be, perhaps, a more

desirable situation than any of those which ambition persuades us, with

such difficulty, danger, and often villany, to aspire to. The wants of a

beggar are commonly as chimerical as the abundance of a nobleman; for

besides vanity, which a judicious beggar will always apply to with

wonderful efficacy, there are in reality very few natures so hardened as

not to compassionate poverty and distress, when the predominancy of some

other passion doth not prevent them.

"There is one happiness which attends money got with ease, namely, that

it is never hoarded; otherwise, as we have frequent opportunities of

growing rich, that canker care might prey upon our quiet, as it doth on

others; but our money stock we spend as fast as we acquire it; usually

at least, for I speak not without exception; thus it gives us mirth

only, and no trouble. Indeed, the luxury of our lives might introduce

diseases, did not our daily exercise prevent them. This gives us an

appetite and relish for our dainties, and at the same time an antidote

against the evil effects which sloth, united with luxury, induces on the

habit of a human body. Our women we enjoy with ecstasies at least equal

to what the greatest men feel in their embraces. I can, I am assured,

say of myself, that no mortal could reap more perfect happiness from the

tender passion than my fortune had decreed me. I married a charming

young woman for love; she was the daughter of a neighbouring beggar,

who, with an improvidence too often seen, spent a very large income

which he procured by his profession, so that he was able to give her no

fortune down; however, at his death he left her a very well accustomed

begging-hut, situated on the side of a steep hill, where travellers

could not immediately escape from us, and a garden adjoining, being the

twenty-eighth part of an acre, well planted. She made the best of

wives, bore me nineteen children, and never failed, unless on her

lying-in, which generally lasted three days, to get my supper ready

against my return home in an evening; this being my favourite meal, and

at which I, as well as my whole family, greatly enjoyed ourselves; the

principal subject of our discourse being generally the boons we had that

day obtained, on which occasions, laughing at the folly of the donors

made no inconsiderable part of the entertainment; for, whatever might be

their motive for giving, we constantly imputed our success to our having

flattered their vanity, or overreached their understanding.

"But perhaps I have dwelt too long on this character; I shall conclude,

therefore, with telling you that after a life of 102 years' continuance,

during all which I had never known any sickness or infirmity but that

which old age necessarily induced, I at last, without the least pain,

went out like the snuff of a candle.

"Minos, having heard my history, bid me compute, if I could, how many

lies I had told in my life. As we are here, by a certain fated

necessity, obliged to confine ourselves to truth, I answered, I believed

about 50,000,000. He then replied, with a frown, 'Can such a wretch

conceive any hopes of entering Elysium?' I immediately turned about,

and, upon the whole, was rejoiced at his not calling me back."

[Illustration: text decoration]

Chapter xx.

_Julian performs the part of a statesman._

"It was now my fortune to be born of a German princess; but a

man-midwife, pulling my head off in delivering my mother, put a speedy

end to my princely life.

"Spirits who end their lives before they are at the age of five years

are immediately ordered into other bodies; and it was now my fortune to

perform several infancies before I could again entitle myself to an

examination of Minos.

"At length I was destined once more to play a considerable part on the

stage. I was born in England, in the reign of Ethelred II. My father's

name was Ulnoth: he was earl or thane of Sussex. I was afterwards known

by the name of earl Goodwin, and began to make a considerable figure in

the world in the time of Harold Harefoot, whom I procured to be made

king of Wessex, or the West Saxons, in prejudice of Hardicanute, whose

mother Emma endeavoured afterwards to set another of her sons on the

throne; but I circumvented her, and, communicating her design to the

king, at the same time acquainted him with a project which I had formed

for the murder of these two young princes. Emma had sent for these her

sons from Normandy, with the king's leave, whom she had deceived by her

religious behaviour, and pretended neglect of all worldly affairs; but I

prevailed with Harold to invite these princes to his court, and put them

to death. The prudent mother sent only Alfred, retaining Edward to

herself, as she suspected my ill designs, and thought I should not

venture to execute them on one of her sons, while she secured the other;

but she was deceived, for I had no sooner Alfred in my possession than

I caused him to be conducted to Ely, where I ordered his eyes to be put

out, and afterwards to be confined in a monastery.

"This was one of those cruel expedients which great men satisfy

themselves well in executing, by concluding them to be necessary to the

service of their prince, who is the support of their ambition.

"Edward, the other son of Emma, escaped again to Normandy; whence, after

the death of Harold and Hardicanute, he made no scruple of applying to

my protection and favour, though he had before prosecuted me with all

the vengeance he was able, for the murder of his brother; but in all

great affairs private relation must yield to public interest. Having

therefore concluded very advantageous terms for myself with him, I made

no scruple of patronizing his cause, and soon placed him on the throne.

Nor did I conceive the least apprehension from his resentment, as I knew

my power was too great for him to encounter.

"Among other stipulated conditions, one was to marry my daughter Editha.

This Edward consented to with great reluctance, and I had afterwards no

reason to be pleased with it; for it raised her, who had been my

favourite child, to such an opinion of greatness, that, instead of

paying me the usual respect, she frequently threw in my teeth (as often

at least as I gave her any admonition), that she was now a queen, and

that the character and title of father merged in that of subject. This

behaviour, however, did not cure me of my affection towards her, nor

lessen the uneasiness which I afterwards bore on Edward's dismissing her

from his bed.

"One thing which principally induced me to labour the promotion of

Edward was the simplicity or weakness of that prince, under whom I

promised myself absolute dominion under another name. Nor did this

opinion deceive me; for, during his whole reign, my administration was

in the highest degree despotic: I had everything of royalty but the

outward ensigns; no man ever applying for a place, or any kind of

preferment, but to me only. A circumstance which, as it greatly enriched

my coffers, so it no less pampered my ambition, and satisfied my vanity

with a numerous attendance; and I had the pleasure of seeing those who

only bowed to the king prostrating themselves before me.

"Edward the Confessor, or St Edward, as some have called him, in

derision I suppose, being a very silly fellow, had all the faults

incident, and almost inseparable, to fools. He married my daughter

Editha from his fear of disobliging me; and afterwards, out of hatred to

me, refused even to consummate his marriage, though she was one of the

most beautiful women of her age. He was likewise guilty of the basest

ingratitude to his mother (a vice to which fools are chiefly, if not

only, liable); and, in return for her endeavours to procure him a throne

in his youth, confined her in a loathsome prison in her old age. This,

it is true, he did by my advice; but as to her walking over nine

ploughshares red-hot, and giving nine manors, when she had not one in

her possession, there is not a syllable of veracity in it.

"The first great perplexity I fell into was on the account of my son

Swane, who had deflowered the abbess of Leon, since called Leominster,

in Herefordshire. After this fact he retired into Denmark, whence he

sent to me to obtain his pardon. The king at first refused it, being

moved thereto, as I afterwards found, by some churchmen, particularly by

one of his chaplains, whom I had prevented from obtaining a bishopric.

Upon this my son Swane invaded the coasts with several ships, and

committed many outrageous cruelties; which, indeed, did his business,

as they served me to apply to the fear of this king, which I had long

since discovered to be his predominant passion. And, at last, he who had

refused pardon to his first offence submitted to give it him after he

had committed many other more monstrous crimes; by which his pardon lost

all grace to the offended, and received double censure from all others.

"The king was greatly inclined to the Normans, had created a Norman

archbishop of Canterbury, and had heaped extraordinary favours on him. I

had no other objection to this man than that he rose without my

assistance; a cause of dislike which, in the reign of great and powerful

favourites, hath often proved fatal to the persons who have given it, as

the persons thus raised inspire us constantly with jealousies and

apprehensions. For when we promote any one ourselves, we take effectual

care to preserve such an ascendant over him, that we can at any time

reduce him to his former degree, should he dare to act in opposition to

our wills; for which reason we never suffer any to come near the prince

but such as we are assured it is impossible should be capable of

engaging or improving his affection; no prime minister, as I apprehend,

esteeming himself to be safe while any other shares the ear of his

prince, of whom we are as jealous as the fondest husband can be of his

wife. Whoever, therefore, can approach him by any other channel than

that of ourselves, is, in our opinion, a declared enemy, and one whom

the first principles of policy oblige us to demolish with the utmost

expedition. For the affection of kings is as precarious as that of

women, and the only way to secure either to ourselves is to keep all

others from them.

"But the archbishop did not let matters rest on suspicion. He soon gave

open proofs of his interest with the Confessor in procuring an office

of some importance for one Rollo, a Roman of mean extraction and very

despicable parts. When I represented to the king the indecency of

conferring such an honour on such a fellow, he answered me that he was

the archbishop's relation. 'Then, sir,' replied I, 'he is related to

your enemy.' Nothing more past at that time; but I soon perceived, by

the archbishop's behaviour, that the king had acquainted him with our

private discourse; a sufficient assurance of his confidence in him and

neglect of me.

"The favour of princes, when once lost, is recoverable only by the

gaining a situation which may make you terrible to them. As I had no

doubt of having lost all credit with this king, which indeed had been

originally founded and constantly supported by his fear, so I took the

method of terror to regain it.

"The earl of Boulogne coming over to visit the king gave me an

opportunity of breaking out into open opposition; for, as the earl was

on his return to France, one of his servants, who was sent before to

procure lodgings at Dover, and insisted on having them in the house of a

private man in spite of the owner's teeth, was, in a fray which ensued,

killed on the spot; and the earl himself, arriving there soon after,

very narrowly escaped with his life. The earl, enraged at this affront,

returned to the king at Gloucester with loud complaints and demands of

satisfaction. Edward consented to his demands, and ordered me to

chastise the rioters, who were under my government as earl of Kent: but,

instead of obeying these orders, I answered, with some warmth, that the

English were not used to punish people unheard, nor ought their rights

and privileges to be violated; that the accused should be first

summoned--if guilty, should make satisfaction both with body and estate,

but, if innocent, should be discharged. Adding, with great ferocity,

that as earl of Kent it was my duty to protect those under my government

against the insults of foreigners.

"This accident was extremely lucky, as it gave my quarrel with the king

a popular colour, and so ingratiated me with the people, that when I set

up my standard, which I soon after did, they readily and chearfully

listed under my banners and embraced my cause, which I persuaded them

was their own; for that it was to protect them against foreigners that I

had drawn my sword. The word foreigners with an Englishman hath a kind

of magical effect, they having the utmost hatred and aversion to them,

arising from the cruelties they suffered from the Danes and some other

foreign nations. No wonder therefore they espoused my cause in a quarrel

which had such a beginning.

"But what may be somewhat more remarkable is, that when I afterwards

returned to England from banishment, and was at the head of an army of

the Flemish, who were preparing to plunder the city of London, I still

persisted that I was come to defend the English from the danger of

foreigners, and gained their credit. Indeed, there is no lie so gross

but it may be imposed on the people by those whom they esteem their

patrons and defenders.

"The king saved his city by being reconciled to me, and taking again my

daughter, whom he had put away from him; and thus, having frightened the

king into what concessions I thought proper, I dismissed my army and

fleet, with which I intended, could I not have succeeded otherwise, to

have sacked the city of London and ravaged the whole country.

"I was no sooner re-established in the king's favour, or, what was as

well for me, the appearance of it, than I fell violently on the

archbishop. He had of himself retired to his monastery in Normandy; but

that did not content me: I had him formally banished, the see declared

vacant, and then filled up by another.

"I enjoyed my grandeur a very short time after my restoration to it; for

the king, hating and fearing me to a very great degree, and finding no

means of openly destroying me, at last effected his purpose by poison,

and then spread abroad a ridiculous story, of my wishing the next morsel

might choak me if I had had any hand in the death of Alfred; and,

accordingly, that the next morsel, by a divine judgment, stuck in my

throat and performed that office.

"This of a statesman was one of my worst stages in the other world. It

is a post subjected daily to the greatest danger and inquietude, and

attended with little pleasure and less ease. In a word, it is a pill

which, was it not gilded over by ambition, would appear nauseous and

detestable in the eye of every one; and perhaps that is one reason why

Minos so greatly compassionates the case of those who swallow it: for

that just judge told me he always acquitted a prime minister who could

produce one single good action in his whole life, let him have committed

ever so many crimes. Indeed, I understood him a little too largely, and

was stepping towards the gate; but he pulled me by the sleeve, and,

telling me no prime minister ever entered there, bid me go back again;

saying, he thought I had sufficient reason to rejoice in my escaping the

bottomless pit, which half my crimes committed in any other capacity

would have entitled me to."

[Illustration: text decoration]

Chapter xxi.

_Julian's adventures in the post of a soldier._

"I was born at Caen, in Normandy. My mother's name was Matilda; as for

my father, I am not so certain, for the good woman on her deathbed

assured me she herself could bring her guess to no greater certainty

than to five of duke William's captains. When I was no more than

thirteen (being indeed a surprising stout boy of my age) I enlisted into

the army of duke William, afterwards known by the name of William the

Conqueror, landed with him at Pemesey or Pemsey, in Sussex, and was

present at the famous battle of Hastings.

"At the first onset it was impossible to describe my consternation,

which was heightened by the fall of two soldiers who stood by me; but

this soon abated, and by degrees, as my blood grew warm, I thought no

more of my own safety, but fell on the enemy with great fury, and did a

good deal of execution; till, unhappily, I received a wound in my thigh,

which rendered me unable to stand any longer, so that I now lay among

the dead, and was constantly exposed to the danger of being trampled to

death, as well by my fellow-soldiers as by the enemy. However, I had the

fortune to escape it, and continued the remaining part of the day and

the night following on the ground.

"The next morning, the duke sending out parties to bring off the

wounded, I was found almost expiring with loss of blood: notwithstanding

which, as immediate care was taken to dress my wounds, youth and a

robust constitution stood my friends, and I recovered after a long and

tedious indisposition, and was again able to use my limbs and do my

duty.

"As soon as Dover was taken I was conveyed thither with all the rest of

the sick and wounded. Here I recovered of my wound; but fell afterwards

into a violent flux, which, when it departed, left me so weak that it

was long before I could regain my strength. And what most afflicted me

was, that during my whole illness, when I languished under want as well

as sickness, I had daily the mortification to see and hear the riots and

excess of my fellow-soldiers, who had happily escaped safe from the

battle.

"I was no sooner well than I was ordered into garrison at Dover Castle.

The officers here fared very indifferently, but the private men much

worse. We had great scarcity of provisions, and, what was yet more

intolerable, were so closely confined for want of room (four of us being

obliged to lie on the same bundle of straw), that many died, and most

sickened.

"Here I had remained about four months, when one night we were alarmed

with the arrival of the earl of Boulogne, who had come over privily from

France, and endeavoured to surprize the castle. The design proved

ineffectual; for the garrison making a brisk sally, most of his men were

tumbled down the precipice, and he returned with a very few back to

France. In this action, however, I had the misfortune to come off with a

broken arm; it was so shattered, that, besides a great deal of pain and

misery which I endured in my cure, I was disabled for upwards of three

months.

"Soon after my recovery I had contracted an amour with a young woman

whose parents lived near the garrison, and were in much better

circumstances than I had reason to expect should give their consent to

the match. However, as she was extremely fond of me (as I was indeed

distractedly enamoured of her), they were prevailed on to comply with

her desires, and the day was fixed for our marriage.

"On the evening preceding, while I was exulting with the eager

expectation of the happiness I was the next day to enjoy, I received

orders to march early in the morning towards Windsor, where a large army

was to be formed, at the head of which the king intended to march into

the west. Any person who hath ever been in love may easily imagine what

I felt in my mind on receiving those orders; and what still heightened

my torments was, that the commanding officer would not permit any one to

go out of the garrison that evening; so that I had not even an

opportunity of taking leave of my beloved.

"The morning came which was to have put me in the possession of my

wishes; but, alas! the scene was now changed, and all the hopes which I

had raised were now so many ghosts to haunt, and furies to torment me.

"It was now the midst of winter, and very severe weather for the season;

when we were obliged to make very long and fatiguing marches, in which

we suffered all the inconveniences of cold and hunger. The night in

which I expected to riot in the arms of my beloved mistress I was

obliged to take up with a lodging on the ground, exposed to the

inclemencies of a rigid frost; nor could I obtain the least comfort of

sleep, which shunned me as its enemy. In short, the horrors of that

night are not to be described, or perhaps imagined. They made such an

impression on my soul, that I was forced to be dipped three times in the

river Lethe to prevent my remembering it in the characters which I

afterwards performed in the flesh."

Here I interrupted Julian for the first time, and told him no such

dipping had happened to me in my voyage from one world to the other: but

he satisfied me by saying "that this only happened to those spirits

which returned into the flesh, in order to prevent that reminiscence

which Plato mentions, and which would otherwise cause great confusion in

the other world."

He then proceeded as follows: "We continued a very laborious march to

Exeter, which we were ordered to besiege. The town soon surrendered, and

his majesty built a castle there, which he garrisoned with his Normans,

and unhappily I had the misfortune to be one of the number.

"Here we were confined closer than I had been at Dover; for, as the

citizens were extremely disaffected, we were never suffered to go

without the walls of the castle; nor indeed could we, unless in large

bodies, without the utmost danger. We were likewise kept to continual

duty, nor could any solicitations prevail with the commanding officer to

give me a month's absence to visit my love, from whom I had no

opportunity of hearing in all my long absence.

"However, in the spring, the people being more quiet, and another

officer of a gentler temper succeeding to the principal command, I

obtained leave to go to Dover; but alas! what comfort did my long

journey bring me? I found the parents of my darling in the utmost misery

at her loss; for she had died, about a week before my arrival, of a

consumption, which they imputed to her pining at my sudden departure.

"I now fell into the most violent and almost raving fit of despair. I

cursed myself, the king, and the whole world, which no longer seemed to

have any delight for me. I threw myself on the grave of my deceased

love, and lay there without any kind of sustenance for two whole days.

At last hunger, together with the persuasions of some people who took

pity on me, prevailed with me to quit that situation, and refresh myself

with food. They then persuaded me to return to my post, and abandon a

place where almost every object I saw recalled ideas to my mind which,

as they said, I should endeavour with my utmost force to expel from it.

This advice at length succeeded; the rather, as the father and mother of

my beloved refused to see me, looking on me as the innocent but certain

cause of the death of their only child.

"The loss of one we tenderly love, as it is one of the most bitter and

biting evils which attend human life, so it wants the lenitive which

palliates and softens every other calamity; I mean that great reliever,

hope. No man can be so totally undone, but that he may still cherish

expectation: but this deprives us of all such comfort, nor can anything

but time alone lessen it. This, however, in most minds, is sure to work

a slow but effectual remedy; so did it in mine: for within a twelvemonth

I was entirely reconciled to my fortune, and soon after absolutely

forgot the object of a passion from which I had promised myself such

extreme happiness, and in the disappointment of which I had experienced

such inconceivable misery.

"At the expiration of the month I returned to my garrison at Exeter;

where I was no sooner arrived than I was ordered to march into the

north, to oppose a force there levied by the earls of Chester and

Northumberland. We came to York, where his majesty pardoned the heads of

the rebels, and very severely punished some who were less guilty. It was

particularly my lot to be ordered to seize a poor man who had never been

out of his house, and convey him to prison. I detested this barbarity,

yet was obliged to execute it; nay, though no reward would have bribed

me in a private capacity to have acted such a part, yet so much sanctity

is there in the commands of a monarch or general to a soldier, that I

performed it without reluctance, nor had the tears of his wife and

family any prevalence with me.

"But this, which was a very small piece of mischief in comparison with

many of my barbarities afterwards, was however the only one which ever

gave me any uneasiness; for when the king led us afterwards into

Northumberland to revenge those people's having joined with Osborne the

Dane in his invasion, and orders were given us to commit what ravages we

could, I was forward in fulfilling them, and, among some lesser

cruelties (I remember it yet with sorrow), I ravished a woman, murdered

a little infant playing in her lap, and then burnt her house. In short,

for I have no pleasure in this part of my relation, I had my share in

all the cruelties exercised on those poor wretches; which were so

grievous, that for sixty miles together, between York and Durham, not a

single house, church, or any other public or private edifice, was left

standing.

"We had pretty well devoured the country, when we were ordered to march

to the Isle of Ely, to oppose Hereward, a bold and stout soldier, who

had under him a very large body of rebels, who had the impudence to rise

against their king and conqueror (I talk now in the same style I did

then) in defence of their liberties, as they called them. These were

soon subdued; but as I happened (more to my glory than my comfort) to be

posted in that part through which Hereward cut his way, I received a

dreadful cut on the forehead, a second on the shoulder, and was run

through the body with a pike.

"I languished a long time with these wounds, which made me incapable of

attending the king into Scotland. However, I was able to go over with

him afterwards into Normandy, in his expedition against Philip, who had

taken the opportunity of the troubles in England to invade that

province. Those few Normans who had survived their wounds, and had

remained in the Isle of Ely, were all of our nation who went, the rest

of his army being all composed of English. In a skirmish near the town

of Mans my leg was broke and so shattered that it was forced to be cut

off.

"I was now disabled from serving longer in the army; and accordingly,

being discharged from the service, I retired to the place of my

nativity, where, in extreme poverty, and frequent bad health from the

many wounds I had received, I dragged on a miserable life to the age of

sixty-three; my only pleasure being to recount the feats of my youth, in

which narratives I generally exceeded the truth.

"It would be tedious and unpleasant to recount to you the several

miseries I suffered after my return to Caen; let it suffice, they were

so terrible that they induced Minos to compassionate me, and,

notwithstanding the barbarities I had been guilty of in Northumberland,

to suffer me to go once more back to earth."

Chapter xxii.

_What happened to Julian in the person of a taylor._