Actuated by what was to me so powerful an incentive, my progress toward
proficiency as a reader was rapid; and, in a comparatively short time, I
felt equal to a renewed effort to sound the depths of the well of
knowledge.
On this momentous occasion--momentous to me, at least, for I am
convinced that it exercised a very material influence on my eventual
choice of a career--I chanced upon an illustrated volume of _Travels by
Land and Sea_. I opened it at the title-page, down which I patiently
and conscientiously waded; then on to the preface--which, luckily, was a
short one--and so into the body of the book. I of course encountered a
great deal that I could only imperfectly understand; and I detected
within myself a rapidly-growing disposition to skip all the hard words;
but, notwithstanding these drawbacks, I contrived to catch a glimmering,
if not something more, of the author's meaning. It was hard work, but I
struggled on, down page after page, fascinated, my imagination vividly
depicting the various scenes of which I read. I saw the deep blue
tropic sea heaving and sparkling in the joyous sunshine, and the stout
ship, with her gleaming wide-spread canvas, sweeping bravely over its
bosom. I stood upon the deck of that ship, among the seamen, peering
eagerly ahead, and saw a faint grey cloud gradually shape itself in the
midst of the haze on the far western horizon. I heard the joyous shout
of "Land ho!" break from the lips of the lookout at the mast-head; and
watched the cloud gradually hardening its outlines and changing its
tints until it assumed the unmistakable aspect of land; saw the distant
mountains steal into view, and the trees emerge into distinct and
prominent detail along the shore; saw, at length, the strip of sandy
beach, dazzlingly white in the blazing sunlight; heard the deep hoarse
roar of the breakers, and saw the flashing of the snow-white foam as the
rollers swept grandly on and dashed themselves into surf and diamond
spray upon the strand. Then I saw the natives launching their light
canoes and paddling off through the surf to the ship; or leapt eagerly
into the boat alongside; reached the strip of dazzling beach--strewn now
with beautiful shells; plunged into the grateful shade of enticing
groves rich with the prodigal luxuriance and fantastic beauty of
tropical growth, ablaze with flowers of gorgeous hues, alive with birds
whose plumage flashed like living gems, and breathed an atmosphere
oppressive with perfume.
From that hour forward the entertainments of the servants' hall paled
their ineffectual fires before the superior effulgence of those
delightful visions which I now possessed the power of summoning at will;
books or stories of travel and adventure alone had now any charm for me;
and these I devoured with an appetite which grew by what it fed on. The
natural consequence of all this will readily be foreseen: a desire
sprang up, which steadily ripened into a resolve, that, when I should
become a man, I too would be a traveller, and--like those of whom I was
never tired of reading--would make my home upon the pathless sea.
Thus matters went on until the arrival of the eighth anniversary of my
birthday, on the morning of which, soon after I had finished my
breakfast, I was summoned to my father's studio. I was received
somewhat coldly; and, after indicating to me the chair which he had
placed for my occupation, my father resumed his work and continued it
for some time without taking the slightest further notice of me.
A silence of perhaps half an hour ensued; when, laying down his brush,
he said:
"I am glad to learn from Mrs Wilson that you are making very
satisfactory progress with your studies; that, in fact, you are
exhibiting a marked disposition to acquire knowledge. This is well;
this is as it should be; and, to mark my appreciation of your conduct, I
have resolved to further your desires and give you increased facilities
for study, by sending you to school, where you will have the advantage
of such guidance and assistance as only trained masters can give; and
where you will also enjoy the companionship and association of lads of
your own age. I hope the prospect is a pleasant one to you."
As this last remark seemed to partake somewhat of the form of a
question, I replied that the prospect _was_ pleasant, and that I felt
very much obliged to him for his kind and thoughtful intentions. I
wanted to say a great deal more by way of thanks; I wished him to
understand how delightful to me would be the change which this
arrangement involved; how I had longed for some one to take me by the
hand, to guide my erratic footsteps and lead me by the shortest way to
that fountain of knowledge for the waters of which I was just beginning
to thirst; and I wished him to understand, too, how welcome would be the
companionship of the other boys, after so lonely a life as mine had
been. But to make all this clear to him through my imperfect method of
expressing myself would have involved quite a long speech on my part;
and, as my eager glance fell on his unsympathetic face, the words failed
me, and I held my peace.
"The school I have selected is a large one," my father continued. "I am
informed that the pupils at present number over two hundred; and it is
quite in the country. The principal encourages every kind of innocent
pastime, such as cricket, football, swimming, skating in the winter, and
so on; so you will not lack amusements--the necessaries for joining in
which I will take care that you shall be provided with. And I have
arranged that, for the present, you shall receive from the headmaster
sixpence a week as pocket-money--a sum which I consider quite sufficient
for a boy of your age. With regard to your studies, I would urge you to
make the most of your opportunities; as, on the completion of your
education, you will have to make your own way in the world. My
profession, as you will perhaps better understand later on, is somewhat
a precarious one. As long as I retain my health and strength and the
unimpaired use of all my faculties, matters will no doubt go well with
me; but accident, disease, or the loss of sight may at any moment
interrupt my labours or stop them altogether: in which case my income,
which I derive solely from the use of my brush, would cease altogether.
You will easily comprehend, therefore, that it would be unwise in the
extreme for you to depend upon me in any way to provide for your future.
Now, do you think you clearly comprehend what I have been saying?"
I replied, `Yes, I believed I did.' I wanted to add that there was one
thing, however, that I did _not_ understand, which was, how a father
could communicate to his only child so lengthy an explanation on a
subject of so much importance without giving one word or sign of
affection to that child, and that I was most earnestly anxious to know
the reason, if any, for so marked an omission; but, whilst I was
hesitating how to frame my remark in such a manner as to avoid the
giving of offence, my father rose from before his easel, and, unlocking
a cabinet which stood in the room, said:
"One word more. You will probably be asked by your companions all
manner of questions about your home and your parents. Now, with regard
to your mother, you know nothing about her beyond, possibly, the fact
that she died when you were born; and that is quite as much as I
consider it needful for you to know. But you may perhaps be glad to be
made acquainted with her personal appearance; you may, possibly, at some
future day--if you have not already experienced such a desire--be
anxious to possess the means of bringing her before you as something
more than a mere _name_. I will therefore give you this miniature,
which is a correct and striking likeness of what your mother was when I
painted it."
And, as he finished speaking, my father placed in my hand a small velvet
case, to which was attached a thin gold chain by which it might be
suspended from the neck.
I was about to open the case; but my father somewhat hastily prevented
the action by throwing the chain round my neck, thrusting the miniature
into the bosom of my dress, and dismissing me with the words:
"There! run away now and make your preparations. We shall set out for
your school to-morrow, immediately after breakfast."
I hastened away to my play-room, and, once fairly within the bounds of
my own domain, drew forth the miniature case and opened it. As the lid
flew back at the pressure of my finger upon the spring a thrill of half
joy, half terror, shot through me; for I instantly recognised in the
features of the portrait a vivid presentment of that sweet dream-face
whose visits to me during the silent and lonely night-watches had
flooded my infant soul with such an ecstasy of rapture and delight. The
portrait, which is before me as I write, was that of a young and
beautiful girl. The complexion was clearest, faintest, most transparent
olive; the face a perfect oval, crowned with luxuriant masses of wavy,
deep chestnut hair, the colour almost merging into black; indeed it
would have been difficult to decide that it was _not_ black but for the
lights in it, which were of a deep dusky golden tone. The eyebrows were
beautifully arched, and the lashes of the eyes were represented as
unusually long. The eyes themselves were very deep hazel, or black--it
was impossible to say which; the nose perfectly straight; the lips, of a
clear, rich, cherry hue, were full and slightly pouting; the mouth
perhaps the merest shade larger than it ought to have been for perfect
beauty; the chin round, with a well-defined dimple in its centre.
Altogether, it was the loveliest face I had ever seen; and I stood for
some time gazing in a trance of admiration on it, the feeling being
mingled with one of deep regret that fate had, in snatching away the
living original, deprived me of such rich possibilities of mutual love.
I felt keenly that, had she continued to live, my life would, in all
probability, have been widely different and very much happier than it
ever had been. Musing thus, I turned the case over in my hand, and
found that there was a contrivance for opening it at the back. I soon
discovered the spring, upon pressing which the back flew open,
disclosing a circlet of glossy chestnut hair reposing upon an oval of
pale yellow silk, in the centre of which were painted the words "Maria
Lascelles; aet. 18. C.L."
Closing the case again and placing it carefully in my bosom, I turned my
thoughts to my new prospects; and whilst collecting together a few of my
more treasured valuables to take with me, and packing the remainder away
in a place of safety, I suffered myself to indulge in much pleasant
speculation upon my immediate future.
On the following morning, about ten o'clock, my father and I left town
in a post-chaise, and, stopping only for an hour about mid-day to dine
at a pleasant little road-side country inn, arrived, at about seven
o'clock in the evening, at our destination. This was a large brick-
built edifice evidently constructed especially to serve the purposes of
a scholastic establishment, standing in its own somewhat extensive
grounds, and situated in a lonely spot about half a mile from the sea,
and--though actually in Hampshire--some four miles only from the port of
Poole in Dorsetshire. I was speedily presented to the principal, who at
once made a favourable impression upon me, afterwards abundantly
confirmed; and, after perhaps half an hour's conversation with him, my
father formally delivered me over to his care and left me--his leave-
taking, though somewhat hurried, being decidedly warmer than his
abstracted manner during the journey had led me to expect.
At this school, let it suffice to say, I remained for the following
seven years; enjoying, during that period of my life, such happiness as,
up to then, my imagination had never been able to conceive; and devoting
myself to my studies with a zest and enthusiasm which won the warmest
encomiums from the several masters who had charge of my education.
French, geography, mathematics, and navigation were my favourite
subjects; and I also developed a very fair amount of talent with my
pencil. Athletics I especially excelled in; and by the time I had been
three years at the school I had become almost amphibious. It affords me
particular pleasure to reflect that, notwithstanding my previous total
want of training, I was, from the very outset of my school career, an
especial favourite with my fellow-pupils, never having had more than one
quarrel serious enough to result in a fight, on which occasion I
succeeded in giving my antagonist--a great bully who had been cruelly
tyrannising over a smaller boy--so severe a trouncing that a resort to
this rough-and-ready mode of settling a dispute never again became
necessary, so far as I was concerned. During this period there was only
one thing that troubled me, which was, that I never saw my father.
Owing to what at the time seemed to me an uninterrupted series of
unfortunate coincidences, it invariably happened that when holiday-time
came round my father had urgent business calling him away from home; and
arrangements had accordingly to be made for my spending my holidays at
the school. This, in itself, constituted no very great hardship; there
were several other lads--Anglo-Indians and others whose friends resided
at too great a distance to admit of the holidays being spent with them--
who always remained behind to bear me company; and, as we were allowed
to do pretty much what we liked so long as we did not misconduct
ourselves or get into mischief, the time was passed pleasantly enough;
but, notwithstanding his singular treatment of me, I loved my father,
and regarded it as a positive hardship that so long a time should be
permitted to elapse without my seeing him. I was continually in hopes
that, as we were unable to meet at holiday-time, he would run down into
the country and pay me a visit, but he never did, and this was another
disappointment.
At length, however, an end came to my disappointment and to my school-
days together; for, on the morning of my fifteenth birthday, I was sent
for by the principal of the school, who, after complimenting me upon my
diligence and the progress I had made whilst under his care, informed me
that the day had arrived when my school-boy life was to cease, and when
I must go out into the world and commence that great battle of life,
which all of us have to fight in one shape or another. He added to his
communication some most excellent advice, the value of which I have
since had abundant opportunity of proving; and concluded with the
announcement that my father would make his appearance that same evening
and take me away with him.
Within a quarter of an hour of the time specified, the grinding sound of
wheels upon the gravel drive in front of the building suggested the
probability that the moment of my departure was at hand; and, a few
minutes later, I was summoned to the library to meet my father. With my
heart throbbing high with mingled feelings of joy and trepidation, I
hastened to the spot, and, before I well knew where I was, found myself
in the presence of the parent who had allowed seven full years to elapse
without an attempt to see his only child. For an instant--which
sufficed me to note that those seven years had left abundant traces of
their passage on the once almost unwrinkled brow--we stood gazing with
equal intentness in each others' faces; then my father grasped the
outstretched hand which I offered, and said, somewhat constrainedly:
"So this is the once quiet dreamy little Leo, is it? I am glad to see
you once more, my boy; glad to see you looking so strong and well--so
wonderfully improved in appearance in every way, in fact; and glad, too,
to hear that Dr Tomlinson is able to confirm so thoroughly the good
reports of your conduct which he has sent me from time to time." He
paused, and I was about to make a suitable answer to his greeting, when
he continued--half unconsciously, it seemed to me, but with a quite
perceptible ring of harshness in his voice:
"You are wonderfully like your mother, boy; no one who knew her would
ever mistake you for anyone else than her son."
The words were simple, but were accompanied by such a regretful look,
deepening into a baleful frown as he regarded me fixedly, that I was
completely startled, and in fact so overwhelmed with astonishment that,
for the moment, I was quite unable to make any reply; and before I could
recover myself my father appeared to have become conscious of his
singularity of manner, which he evidently overcame by a very powerful
effort. Laying his hand somewhat heavily upon my shoulder, he said:
"Do not be frightened, Leo; I have been far from well lately, and my
illness seems to have slightly affected my brain; sometimes I detect
myself saying things which I had not the remotest intention of saying a
moment before. If you should observe any little peculiarity of that
kind in me, take no notice of it, let it pass. And now, if your boxes
are all ready--as I suppose they are--let them be brought down and put
on the chaise; we shall sleep in Poole to-night, and we can converse at
the hotel, over a good dinner, as well as here."
An hour later we were discussing that same good dinner, and maintaining
a tolerably animated conversation over it, too. My father put a few
adroit questions to me relative to my school experiences, which had the
effect of "drawing me out," and he listened to all I had to say with
just that appearance of friendly interest which is so flattering and
encouraging to a youthful talker. His treatment of me was everything
that could be desired--except that he seemed to be rather taking the
ground of an elder friend than of a parent. I should have preferred a
shade less of the polite suavity of his manner and a more distinct
manifestation of fatherly affection. He seemed anxious to efface the
memory of the singularity which marked our first meeting; and yet I
thought that, later on in the evening, when our conversation assumed a
more general character, I could detect a disposition on his part to
again approach the subject, these approaches being accompanied by a very
perceptible nervousness and constraint of manner. But, though my father
certainly led the conversation once or twice in that direction, he as
often changed the subject again, and nothing more was said about it
until our bed-room candles were brought to us and we were about to
retire for the night. Then, as we vacated the chairs we had been
occupying during the evening, and rose to our feet, he grasped me by the
arm and planted me square in front of the chimney-piece, which was
surmounted by a pier-glass, and, placing himself beside me, remarked,
looking at our reflected images:
"You have grown tremendously, Leo, during the seven years you have been
at school. I really believe you will develop into as tall a man as I
am. But," (taking a candlestick in his hand and holding it so as to
throw the light full upon our faces) "you are so like your mother, so
painfully like your mother;" and again the frown darkened his face and
for a moment he seemed almost to shrink from me.
"Well, sir," said I, "it seems to me that I have your forehead, your
mouth, and your chin; we both possess considerable width between the
eyes; and my hair, though dark, is curly, like your own."
"Ah, yes!" he answered, somewhat impatiently; "the latter, however, is a
mere accident; and, as to the other points you have mentioned, I really
_cannot_ see any positive resemblance; I wish I could--I earnestly wish
that my son resembled me rather than--Ah! there I go again, saying words
which positively have _no_ meaning. I really _must_ take rest and
medical advice; I have executed several very important commissions
during the past year, and the strain upon my imagination and upon my
nerves has been almost too much for me. Now, I'll be bound, Leo, that
you have noticed more than once this evening that there are moments when
I am not--well, not exactly my natural self."
"Well, sir," I hesitatingly replied, "I must confess that--that--"
"That you have," my father interrupted. "Very well; take no notice of
it; forget it; it means nothing. Good night, boy; good night."
"Good night, sir," I replied. "I hope you will sleep soundly, and rise
in the morning refreshed. And, oh father! I wish I could do anything
to help you--"
"So you can, my son; so you can. Thank you, Leo, for your kind wish.
You _can_ help me very greatly, by taking no notice whatever of any
little eccentricities you may observe in my behaviour, and by
remembering that they are entirely due to overwork. Now, good night,
once more; and remember that we must be stirring early in the morning,
as we have a long journey before us."
And, with this very peculiar mode of dismissal, my father gently forced
me out of the room, and closed the door upon me.