Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk was a tall young man, a thin young man, a
pale young man, and, as some of his friends asserted, a decidedly
knock-kneed young man. Moreover he was a young man belonging to and
connected with the highly respectable firm of Messrs. Tims and Swindle,
attorneys and bill-discounters, of Thavies'-inn, Holborn; from the which
highly respectable firm Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk received a salary
of one pound one shilling per week, in requital for his manifold services.
The vocation in which Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk laboured partook
peculiarly of the peripatetic; for at all sorts of hours, and through all
sorts of streets was Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk daily accustomed to
transport his anatomy--presenting overdue bills, inquiring after absent
acceptors, invisible indorsers, and departed drawers, for his masters, and
wearing out, as he Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk eloquently expressed
it, "no end of boots for himself." Such was the occupation by which Mr.
Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk lived; but such was not the peculiar path to
fame for which his soul longed. No! "he had seen plays, and longed to
blaze upon the stage a star of light."
That portion of time which was facetiously called by Messrs. Tims and
Swindle "the leisure" of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, being some
eight hours out of the twenty-four, was spent in poring over the glorious
pages of the immortal bard; and in the desperate enthusiasm of his heated
genius would he, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, suddenly burst forth in
some of the most exciting passages, and with Stentorian lungs "render
night hideous" to the startled inhabitant of the one-pair-back, adjoining
the receptacle of his own truckle-bed and mortal frame.
Luck, whether good or evil, begat Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk an
introduction to some other talented young gentlemen, who had so far
progressed in histrionic acquirements, that from spouting themselves, they
had taken to spouting their watches, and other stray articles of small
value, to enable them to pay the charges of a private theatre, where, as
often as they could raise the needful, they astonished and delighted their
wondering friends. Among this worshipful society was Mr. Horatio
Fitzharding Fitzfunk adopted and enrolled as a trusty and well-beloved
member; and in the above-named private theatre, in suit of solemn black,
slightly relieved by an enormous white handkerchief, and a well-chalked
countenance, did Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, at or about the hour of
half past eight--being precisely sixty minutes behind the period
announced, in consequence of the non-arrival of the one fiddle and ditto
flute comprising, or rather that ought to have comprised, the
orchestra--made his début, and a particularly nervous bow to the good
folks there assembled, "as and for" the character "of Hamlet, the Danish
Prince."
To describe the "exclamations of delight," the "tornadoes of applause,"
the earthquakes of rapture, or the "breathless breathing" of the entranced
audience, would beat Mr. Bunn into fits, and the German company into
fiddle-cases; so, like a newspaper legacy, which is the only one that
never pays duty, we "_leave_ it to our reader's imagination."
The die was cast. Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk's former avocations
became intensely irksome--if he served a writ it was no longer a "writ of
right." Copies for "Jenkins" were consigned to "Tompkins;" "Brown"
declined pleading to "Smith" and Smith declared off Brown's declaration.
In inquiries after "solvent acceptors," Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk
was still more abroad. In the mystification of his brains, all answers
seemed to be delivered "per contra." Forlorn hopes on three-and sixpenny
stamps were converted into the circulating medium; "good actors" were
considered "good men" in the very reverse of Shylock's acceptation of the
term; and astonished indorsers succeeded in "raising the wind" upon
"kites" they would have bet any odds no "wind in the world could induce to
fly." Everything in this world must come to an end--bills generally do in
three months: so did these, and so did Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk's
responsible and peripatetic avocations in the highly respectable firm of
Messrs. Tims and Swindle, attorneys, and to their cost, through the agency
of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, bill-discounters, of Thavies' Inn,
Holborn; they, the said highly respectable firm of Tims and Swindle,
handing over to Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk the sum of four and
tenpence, being the balance of his quarter's salary, which, so great was
Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk's opinion of the solvency of the said
highly respectable firm, he had allowed to remain undrawn in their hands,
together with a note utterly and totally declining any further service or
assistance as "_in_" or "_out_door" or any sort of clerk at all, from Mr.
Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, and amiably recommending the said Horatio to
apply elsewhere for a character; the which advice Mr. Horatio Fitzharding
Fitzfunk attended to instanter, and received, in consideration of the sum
of thirty shillings, that of "Richard the Third" from the Dramatic
Committee of Catherine Street. If Hamlet was good, Richard (among the
amateurs) was better; and if Richard was better, Shylock (at "one five")
was best, and Romeo and all the rest better still: and it may be worthy of
remark, that there is no person on earth looked upon by admiring managers
as more certain of success than the "promising young man who PAYS for his
parts."
Now it so happened that Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk's purse became an
exceedingly "Iago"-like, "something, nothing, trashy" sort of affair--in
other words, that its owner, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, was
regularly stumped; and as the Amateur Dramatic Theatrical Committee
"always go upon the _no pay no play system_," Mr. Horatio Fitzharding
Fitzfunk was about to incur the fate of Lord John Russell's tragedy, and
become regularly "shelved."
In this dilemma Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk addressed all sorts of
letters to all sorts of managers, offering himself for all sorts of
salaries, to play the best of all sorts of business, but never received
any sort of answer from one of them! Returning to his solitary lodging,
after a fortnight's "half and half" of patience and despair, and just as
despair was walking poor patience to Old Harry, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding
Fitzfunk encountered one of his histrionic acquaintance, who did the
"three and sixpenny walking gents," and dramatic general postmen, or
letter-deliverers, at "the Private." In the course of the enlightened
conversation between the said friend, Mr. Julius Dilberry Pipps, and Mr.
Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, Julius Dilberry Pipps expressed an earnest
wish that he "might be blowed considerably tighter than the Vauxhall
balloon if ever he _see_ such a likeness of Mr. Hannibal Fitzflummery
Fitzflam," the "great actor of the day," as his "_bussom_ and intimate,"
Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk! A nervous pressure of Mr. Horatio
Fitzharding Fitzfunk's "pickers and stealers" having nearly reduced to one
vast chaos the severely compressed digits of the enthusiastic Julius
Dilberry Pipps, the invisible green broad-cloth envelopments and drab
lower encasements, crowned with gossamer and based with calf-skin, wherein
the total outward man of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk was enrobed,
together with his ambulating anatomy, evanished from the startled gaze of
the deserted and finger-contused Julius Dilberry Pipps! Having asserted
the entire realisation of his hastily-formed wish, in the emphatic words,
"Well, I _am_ blowed!" and a further comment, stating his conviction that
"this was _rayther_ a rummy go," Mr. Julius Dilberry Pipps reduced his
exchequer the gross amount of threepence, paid in consideration of the
instant receipt of "a pint o'porter and screw," to the fumigation of which
he applied with such excessive vigour, that in a few moments he might be
said, by his own exertions in "blowing a cloud," to be corporeally as well
as mentally "in nubibus."
To account for the rapid departure of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, we
must inform our readers the supposed similarity alluded to by Julius
Dilberry Pipps, between the "great creature," Hannibal Fitzflummery
Fitzflam, and Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, had been before frequently
insisted upon: and this assertion of the obtuse Julius Dilberry Pipps now
seemed "confirmation strong as proof of holy writ." Agitated with
conflicting emotions, and regardless of small children and apple-stalls,
Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk rushed on with headlong speed, every now
and then ejaculating, "I'll do it, I'll do it!" A sudden overhauling of
his pockets produced some stray halfpence; master of a "Queen's head," a
sheet of vellum, a new "Mordaunt," and an "envelope," Mr. Horatio
Fitzharding Fitzfunk, arrived at his three-pair-back, indited an epistle
to the manager at the town of ----, with extraordinary haste signed the
document, and, in "the hurry of the moment," left the inscription
thus--H.F. FITZFLAM! The morrow's post brought an answer; the terms were
acceded to, the night appointed for his opening; and Mr. Horatio
Fitzharding Fitzfunk found, upon inspecting the proof of the playbill, the
name in full of "_Mr. Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam_," "the great
tragedian of the day!"
Pass we over the intervening space, and at once come to the momentous
morning of rehearsal. The expected Roscius arrived like punctuality's
self, at the appointed minute, was duly received by the company, who had
previously been canvassing his merits, and assuring each other that all
stars were _muffs_, but Fitzflam one of the most impudent impostors that
ever moved. "I, sir," said the leader of the discontented
fifteen-shillings-a-week-when-they-could-get-it squad, "I have been in the
_profession_ more years than this fellow has months, and he is getting
hundreds where I am neglected: never mind! only give me a chance, and I'll
show him up. But I suppose the management--(pretty management, to engage
such a chap when I'm here)--I suppose they will truckle to him, and send
me on, as usual, for some wretched old bloke there's no getting a hand in.
John Kemble himself (and I'm told I'm in his style), I say, John Kemble,
my prototype, the now immortal John, never got applause in
'_Blokes!_'--But never mind." As a genealogist would say, "Fitz the son of
Funk" never more truly represented his ancestral cognomen than on this
trying occasion. He was no longer with amateurs, but regulars,--fellows
that could "talk and get on somehow;" that were never known to stick in
Richard, when they remembered a speech from George Barnwell; men with
"swallows" like Thames tunnels: in fact, accomplished "gaggers" and
unrivalled "wing watchers." However, as Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk
spoke to none of them, crossed where he liked, cut out most of _their_
best speeches, and turned _all_ their _backs_ to the audience, he passed
muster exceedingly well, and acted the genuine star with considerable
effect. So it was at night. Some folks objected to his knees, to be sure;
but then they were silenced--"What! Fitzflam's knees bad! Nonsense!
Fitzflam is the thing in London; and do you think Fitzflam ought to be
decried in the provinces? hasn't he been lithographed by Lane? Pooh!
impudence! spite!" The great _name_ made Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk
"the great man," and all went swimmingly. On the last night of his
engagement, the night devoted to his benefit, the house was crammed, and
Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, reflecting that all was "cock sure," as
he should pocket the proceeds and return to London undiscovered, was
elevated to Mahomet's seventh heaven of happiness, awaiting with
impatience the prompter's whistle and the raising of the curtain: where
for a time we will leave him, and attend upon the real "Simon Pure"--the
genuine and "old original Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam."
(_To be continued._)
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