_The Keeper_ (_who apparently considers his Show as moral as_
ARTEMUS WARD'S--_to the Public generally_). I've came over here From
California, whose golden waters kiss The mouth of her Sunny Sands, and
where there air strawberries all the year round. On the farm where I
live there were only fourteen days in all of lasst year when we had no
strawberries. The most Glorious climate In the World; and, if anyone
don't believe it, all they've got to _do_ is to die; and then, if
they've been good, they'll go there, and find out for themselves. I'm
not under Con-tràct To say a single word here, but I want to talk to
you about these birds, because they're generally misunderstood. They
walk en-tirely From the Toe, which gives them the graceful, springy
action you see. They air all named after the greatest people now
living on airth. This one close to the rails is called JIM BLAKE. Mark
well the Peculiarities, Life, Habits, _and_ Characteristics of the
Ostrich, and you will all of you go away And lead A moral life. The
only absolootly Purrfect Being on This ole Universe is the bird now
passing in front of me. Her name is GAIL HAMILTON, and She has The
Smallest Feet of anyone here present, _and_ the Smallest Head. She has
only one ounce of brains inside of it, and that is Sufficient for her
requirements, and nobody would have any use for more if they did not
suffer From swelled heads.... Yes, little girl, you're purrfectly
right--the ostrich _does_ run zig-zag, which is A Fact that is
Unknown to many Scientific men. The kick of the ostrich is as quick as
lightning--_quicker_ 'n lightning, be-cause you can see lightning, but
you _cann't_ see an ostrich's kick, which is four kicks to the second,
and kills a man every time. At certain seasons it is Impossible to go
among these birds except On horseback, and pro-vided with a stout pole
with a fork at the end for Self-defence. All of these birds are here
on Sale, and there is a large demand for them for Gentlemen's Parks
and Country seats.
_A Suburban Humourist_ (_to his_ Wife). What d'ye say to gettin' a
pair on 'em fur our back-yard, eh?
_His Wife._ 'Ow you _do_ tork, 'ENERY! 'Oo do _you_ suppose is goin'
to 'ang the washing out with two o' them great houtlandish beasts
lolloping around? Not _me_, and so I _tell_ yer. I've enough work on
_my_ 'ands without no austridges!
[_She fans herself violently with her programme, and_ 'ENERY
_is reduced to explain that his suggestion was not seriously
intended._