A GATHERING OF CAT-SPECIALISTS
Master Maloney raised his eyes for a moment from his book as Psmith
re-entered the office.
"Dere's a guy in dere waitin' ter see youse," he said briefly,
jerking his head in the direction of the inner room.
"A guy waiting to see me, Comrade Maloney? With or without a
sand-bag?"
"Says his name's Jackson," said Master Maloney, turning a page.
Psmith moved quickly to the door of the inner room.
"Why, Comrade Jackson," he said, with the air of a father welcoming
home the prodigal son, "this is the maddest, merriest day of all
the glad New Year. Where did you come from?"
Mike, looking very brown and in excellent condition, put down the
paper he was reading.
"Hullo, Psmith," he said. "I got back this morning. We're playing a
game over in Brooklyn to-morrow."
"No engagements of any importance to-day?"
"Not a thing. Why?"
"Because I propose to take you to visit Comrade Jarvis, whom you
will doubtless remember."
"Jarvis?" said Mike, puzzled. "I don't remember any Jarvis."
"Let your mind wander back a little through the jungle of the past.
Do you recollect paying a visit to Comrade Windsor's room--"
"By the way, where is Windsor?"
"In prison. Well, on that evening--"
"In prison?"
"For thirty days. For slugging a policeman. More of this, however,
anon. Let us return to that evening. Don't you remember a certain
gentleman with just about enough forehead to keep his front hair
from getting all tangled up with his eye-brows?"
"Oh, the cat chap? _I_ know."
"As you very justly observe, Comrade Jackson, the cat chap. For
going straight to the mark and seizing on the salient point of a
situation, I know of no one who can last two minutes against you.
Comrade Jarvis may have other sides to his character--possibly
many--but it is as a cat chap that I wish to approach him to-day."
"What's the idea? What are you going to see him for?"
"We," corrected Psmith. "I will explain all at a little luncheon at
which I trust that you will be my guest. Already, such is the
stress of this journalistic life, I hear my tissues crying out
imperatively to be restored. An oyster and a glass of milk
somewhere round the corner, Comrade Jackson? I think so, I think
so."
* * *
"I was reading _Cosy Moments_ in there," said Mike, as they lunched.
"You certainly seem to have bucked it up rather. Kid Brady's
reminiscences are hot stuff."
"Somewhat sizzling, Comrade Jackson," admitted Psmith. "They have,
however, unfortunately cost us a fighting editor."
"How's that?"
"Such is the boost we have given Comrade Brady, that he is now
never without a match. He has had to leave us to-day to go to White
Plains to train for an encounter with a certain Mr. Wood, a
four-ounce-glove juggler of established fame."
"I expect you need a fighting editor, don't you?"
"He is indispensable, Comrade Jackson, indispensable."
"No rotting. Has anybody cut up rough about the stuff you've
printed?"
"Cut up rough? Gadzooks! I need merely say that one critical reader
put a bullet through my hat--"
"Rot! Not really?"
"While others kept me tree'd on top of a roof for the space of
nearly an hour. Assuredly they have cut up rough, Comrade Jackson."
"Great Scott! Tell us."
Psmith briefly recounted the adventures of the past few weeks.
"But, man," said Mike, when he had finished "why on earth don't you
call in the police?"
"We have mentioned the matter to certain of the force. They
appeared tolerably interested, but showed no tendency to leap
excitedly to our assistance. The New York policeman, Comrade
Jackson, like all great men, is somewhat peculiar. If you go to a
New York policeman and exhibit a black eye, he will examine it and
express some admiration for the abilities of the citizen
responsible for the same. If you press the matter, he becomes
bored, and says, 'Ain't youse satisfied with what youse got?
G'wan!' His advice in such cases is good, and should be followed.
No; since coming to this city I have developed a habit of taking
care of myself, or employing private help. That is why I should
like you, if you will, to come with me to call upon Comrade Jarvis.
He is a person of considerable influence among that section of the
populace which is endeavouring to smash in our occiputs. Indeed, I
know of nobody who cuts a greater quantity of ice. If I can only
enlist Comrade Jarvis's assistance, all will be well. If you are
through with your refreshment, shall we be moving in his direction?
By the way, it will probably be necessary in the course of our
interview to allude to you as one of our most eminent living
cat-fanciers. You do not object? Remember that you have in your
English home seventy-four fine cats, mostly Angoras. Are you on to
that? Then let us be going. Comrade Maloney has given me the
address. It is a goodish step down on the East side. I should like
to take a taxi, but it might seem ostentatious. Let us walk."
* * *
They found Mr. Jarvis in his Groome Street fancier's shop, engaged
in the intellectual occupation of greasing a cat's paws with butter.
He looked up as they entered, and began to breathe a melody with a
certain coyness.
"Comrade Jarvis," said Psmith, "we meet again. You remember me?"
"Nope," said Mr. Jarvis, pausing for a moment in the middle of a
bar, and then taking up the air where he had left off. Psmith was
not discouraged.
"Ah," he said tolerantly, "the fierce rush of New York life. How it
wipes from the retina of to-day the image impressed on it but
yesterday. Are you with me, Comrade Jarvis?"
The cat-expert concentrated himself on the cat's paws without
replying.
"A fine animal," said Psmith, adjusting his eyeglass. "To which
particular family of the Felis Domestica does that belong? In
colour it resembles a Neapolitan ice more than anything."
Mr. Jarvis's manner became unfriendly.
"Say, what do youse want? That's straight ain't it? If youse want
to buy a boid or a snake why don't youse say so?"
"I stand corrected," said Psmith. "I should have remembered that
time is money. I called in here partly on the strength of being a
colleague and side-partner of Comrade Windsor--"
"Mr. Windsor! De gent what caught my cat?"
"The same--and partly in order that I might make two very eminent
cat-fanciers acquainted. This," he said, with a wave of his hand
in the direction of the silently protesting Mike, "is Comrade
Jackson, possibly the best known of our English cat-fanciers.
Comrade Jackson's stud of Angoras is celebrated wherever the King's
English is spoken, and in Hoxton."
Mr. Jarvis rose, and, having inspected Mike with silent admiration
for a while, extended a well-buttered hand towards him. Psmith
looked on benevolently.
"What Comrade Jackson does not know about cats," he said, "is not
knowledge. His information on Angoras alone would fill a volume."
"Say,"--Mr. Jarvis was evidently touching on a point which had
weighed deeply upon him--"why's catnip called catnip?"
Mike looked at Psmith helplessly. It sounded like a riddle, but it
was obvious that Mr. Jarvis's motive in putting the question was
not frivolous. He really wished to know.
"The word, as Comrade Jackson was just about to observe," said
Psmith, "is a corruption of cat-mint. Why it should be so corrupted
I do not know. But what of that? The subject is too deep to be gone
fully into at the moment. I should recommend you to read Comrade
Jackson's little brochure on the matter. Passing lightly on from
that--"
"Did youse ever have a cat dat ate beetles?" inquired Mr. Jarvis.
"There was a time when many of Comrade Jackson's felidae supported
life almost entirely on beetles."
"Did they git thin?"
Mike felt that it was time, if he was to preserve his reputation,
to assert himself.
"No," he replied firmly.
Mr. Jarvis looked astonished.
"English beetles," said Psmith, "don't make cats thin. Passing
lightly--"
"I had a cat oncest," said Mr. Jarvis, ignoring the remark and
sticking to his point, "dat ate beetles and got thin and used to
tie itself into knots."
"A versatile animal," agreed Psmith.
"Say," Mr. Jarvis went on, now plainly on a subject near to his
heart, "dem beetles is fierce. Sure. Can't keep de cats off of
eatin' dem, I can't. First t'ing you know dey've swallowed dem, and
den dey gits thin and ties theirselves into knots."
"You should put them into strait-waistcoats," said Psmith.
"Passing, however, lightly--"
"Say, ever have a cross-eyed cat?"
"Comrade Jackson's cats," said Psmith, "have happily been almost
free from strabismus."
"Dey's lucky, cross-eyed cats is. You has a cross-eyed cat, and
not'in' don't never go wrong. But, say, was dere ever a cat wit
one blue eye and one yaller one in your bunch? Gum, it's fierce
when it's like dat. It's a real skiddoo, is a cat wit one blue eye
and one yaller one. Puts you in bad, surest t'ing you know. Oncest
a guy give me a cat like dat, and first t'ing you know I'm in bad
all round. It wasn't till I give him away to de cop on de corner
and gets me one dat's cross-eyed dat I lifts de skiddoo off of me."
"And what happened to the cop?" inquired Psmith, interested.
"Oh, he got in bad, sure enough," said Mr. Jarvis without emotion.
"One of de boys what he'd pinched and had sent to de Island once
lays for him and puts one over him wit a black-jack. Sure. Dat's
what comes of havin' a cat wit one blue eye and one yaller one."
Mr. Jarvis relapsed into silence. He seemed to be meditating on the
inscrutable workings of Fate. Psmith took advantage of the pause
to leave the cat topic and touch on matter of more vital import.
"Tense and exhilarating as is this discussion of the optical
peculiarities of cats," he said, "there is another matter on which,
if you will permit me, I should like to touch. I would hesitate to
bore you with my own private troubles, but this is a matter which
concerns Comrade Windsor as well as myself, and I know that your
regard for Comrade Windsor is almost an obsession."
"How's that?"
"I should say," said Psmith, "that Comrade Windsor is a man to whom
you give the glad hand."
"Sure. He's to the good, Mr. Windsor is. He caught me cat."
"He did. By the way, was that the one that used to tie itself into
knots?"
"Nope. Dat was anudder."
"Ah! However, to resume. The fact is, Comrade Jarvis, we are much
persecuted by scoundrels. How sad it is in this world! We look to
every side. We look north, east, south, and west, and what do we
see? Mainly scoundrels. I fancy you have heard a little about our
troubles before this. In fact, I gather that the same scoundrels
actually approached you with a view to engaging your services to
do us in, but that you very handsomely refused the contract."
"Sure," said Mr. Jarvis, dimly comprehending.
"A guy comes to me and says he wants you and Mr. Windsor put
through it, but I gives him de t'run down. 'Nuttin' done,' I says.
'Mr. Windsor caught me cat.'"
"So I was informed," said Psmith. "Well, failing you, they went to
a gentleman of the name of Reilly."
"Spider Reilly?"
"You have hit it, Comrade Jarvis. Spider Reilly, the lessee and
manager of the Three Points gang."
"Dose T'ree Points, dey're to de bad. Dey're fresh."
"It is too true, Comrade Jarvis."
"Say," went on Mr. Jarvis, waxing wrathful at the recollection,
"what do youse t'ink dem fresh stiffs done de udder night. Started
some rough woik in me own dance-joint."
"Shamrock Hall?" said Psmith.
"Dat's right. Shamrock Hall. Got gay, dey did, wit some of de Table
Hillers. Say, I got it in for dem gazebos, sure I have. Surest
t'ing you know."
Psmith beamed approval.
"That," he said, "is the right spirit. Nothing could be more
admirable. We are bound together by our common desire to check the
ever-growing spirit of freshness among the members of the Three
Points. Add to that the fact that we are united by a sympathetic
knowledge of the manners and customs of cats, and especially that
Comrade Jackson, England's greatest fancier, is our mutual friend,
and what more do we want? Nothing."
"Mr. Jackson's to de good," assented Mr. Jarvis, eyeing Mike in
friendly fashion.
"We are all to de good," said Psmith. "Now the thing I wished to
ask you is this. The office of the paper on which I work was until
this morning securely guarded by Comrade Brady, whose name will be
familiar to you."
"De Kid?"
"On the bull's-eye, as usual, Comrade Jarvis. Kid Brady, the
coming light-weight champion of the world. Well, he has
unfortunately been compelled to leave us, and the way into the
office is consequently clear to any sand-bag specialist who cares
to wander in. Matters connected with the paper have become so
poignant during the last few days that an inrush of these same
specialists is almost a certainty, unless--and this is where you
come in."
"Me?"
"Will you take Comrade Brady's place for a few days?"
"How's that?"
"Will you come in and sit in the office for the next day or so and
help hold the fort? I may mention that there is money attached to
the job. We will pay for your services. How do we go, Comrade
Jarvis?"
Mr. Jarvis reflected but a brief moment.
"Why, sure," he said. "Me fer dat. When do I start?"
"Excellent, Comrade Jarvis. Nothing could be better. I am obliged.
I rather fancy that the gay band of Three Pointers who will
undoubtedly visit the offices of _Cosy Moments_ in the next few days,
probably to-morrow, are due to run up against the surprise of their
lives. Could you be there at ten to-morrow morning?"
"Sure t'ing. I'll bring me canister."
"I should," said Psmith. "In certain circumstances one canister is
worth a flood of rhetoric. Till to-morrow, then, Comrade Jarvis. I
am very much obliged to you."
* * *
"Not at all a bad hour's work," said Psmith complacently, as they
turned out of Groome Street. "A vote of thanks to you, Comrade
Jackson, for your invaluable assistance."
"It strikes me I didn't do much," said Mike with a grin.
"Apparently, no. In reality, yes. Your manner was exactly right.
Reserved, yet not haughty. Just what an eminent cat-fancier's
manner should be. I could see that you made a pronounced hit with
Comrade Jarvis. By the way, if you are going to show up at the
office to-morrow, perhaps it would be as well if you were to look
up a few facts bearing on the feline world. There is no knowing
what thirst for information a night's rest may not give Comrade
Jarvis. I do not presume to dictate, but if you were to make
yourself a thorough master of the subject of catnip, for instance,
it might quite possibly come in useful."