FULL STEAM AHEAD
When Psmith returned to the office, he found Billy Windsor in the
doorway, just parting from a thick-set young man, who seemed to be
expressing his gratitude to the editor for some good turn. He was
shaking him warmly by the hand.
Psmith stood aside to let him pass.
"An old college chum, Comrade Windsor?" he asked.
"That was Kid Brady."
"The name is unfamiliar to me. Another contributor?"
"He's from my part of the country--Wyoming. He wants to fight any
one in the world at a hundred and thirty-three pounds."
"We all have our hobbies. Comrade Brady appears to have selected a
somewhat exciting one. He would find stamp-collecting less
exacting."
"It hasn't given him much excitement so far, poor chap," said Billy
Windsor. "He's in the championship class, and here he has been
pottering about New York for a month without being able to get a
fight. It's always the way in this rotten East," continued Billy,
warming up as was his custom when discussing a case of oppression
and injustice. "It's all graft here. You've got to let half a dozen
brutes dip into every dollar you earn, or you don't get a chance.
If the kid had a manager, he'd get all the fights he wanted. And
the manager would get nearly all the money. I've told him that we
will back him up."
"You have hit it, Comrade Windsor," said Psmith with enthusiasm.
"_Cosy Moments_ shall be Comrade Brady's manager. We will give him a
much-needed boost up in our columns. A sporting section is what the
paper requires more than anything."
"If things go on as they've started, what it will require still
more will be a fighting-editor. Pugsy tells me you had visitors
while I was out."
"A few," said Psmith. "One or two very entertaining fellows.
Comrades Asher, Philpotts, and others. I have just been giving them
a bite of lunch at the Knickerbocker."
"Lunch!"
"A most pleasant little lunch. We are now as brothers. I fear I
have made you perhaps a shade unpopular with our late contributors;
but these things must be. We must clench our teeth and face them
manfully. If I were you, I think I should not drop in at the house
of Comrade Asher and the rest to take pot-luck for some little time
to come. In order to soothe the squad I was compelled to curse you
to some extent."
"Don't mind me."
"I think I may say I didn't."
"Say, look here, you must charge up the price of that lunch to the
office. Necessary expenses, you know."
"I could not dream of doing such a thing, Comrade Windsor. The
whole affair was a great treat to me. I have few pleasures. Comrade
Asher alone was worth the money. I found his society intensely
interesting. I have always believed in the Darwinian theory.
Comrade Asher confirmed my views."
They went into the inner office. Psmith removed his hat and coat.
"And now once more to work," he said. "Psmith the _flaneur_ of Fifth
Avenue ceases to exist. In his place we find Psmith the hard-headed
sub-editor. Be so good as to indicate a job of work for me,
Comrade Windsor. I am champing at my bit."
Billy Windsor sat down, and lit his pipe.
"What we want most," he said thoughtfully, "is some big topic.
That's the only way to get a paper going. Look at _Everybody's
Magazine_. They didn't amount to a row of beans till Lawson started
his 'Frenzied Finance' articles. Directly they began, the whole
country was squealing for copies. _Everybody's_ put up their price
from ten to fifteen cents, and now they lead the field."
"The country must squeal for _Cosy Moments_," said Psmith firmly. "I
fancy I have a scheme which may not prove wholly scaly. Wandering
yesterday with Comrade Jackson in a search for Fourth Avenue, I
happened upon a spot called Pleasant Street. Do you know it?"
Billy Windsor nodded.
"I went down there once or twice when I was a reporter. It's a
beastly place."
"It is a singularly beastly place. We went into one of the houses."
"They're pretty bad."
"Who owns them?"
"I don't know. Probably some millionaire. Those tenement houses
are about as paying an investment as you can have."
"Hasn't anybody ever tried to do anything about them?"
"Not so far as I know. It's pretty difficult to get at these
fellows, you see. But they're fierce, aren't they, those houses!"
"What," asked Psmith, "is the precise difficulty of getting at
these merchants?"
"Well, it's this way. There are all sorts of laws about the places,
but any one who wants can get round them as easy as falling off a
log. The law says a tenement house is a building occupied by more
than two families. Well, when there's a fuss, all the man has to do
is to clear out all the families but two. Then, when the inspector
fellow comes along, and says, let's say, 'Where's your running
water on each floor? That's what the law says you've got to have,
and here are these people having to go downstairs and out of doors
to fetch their water supplies,' the landlord simply replies,
'Nothing doing. This isn't a tenement house at all. There are only
two families here.' And when the fuss has blown over, back come the
rest of the crowd, and things go on the same as before."
"I see," said Psmith. "A very cheery scheme."
"Then there's another thing. You can't get hold of the man who's
really responsible, unless you're prepared to spend thousands
ferreting out evidence. The land belongs in the first place to some
corporation or other. They lease it to a lessee. When there's a
fuss, they say they aren't responsible, it's up to the lessee. And
he lies so low that you can't find out who he is. It's all just
like the East. Everything in the East is as crooked as Pearl
Street. If you want a square deal, you've got to come out Wyoming
way."
"The main problem, then," said Psmith, "appears to be the discovery
of the lessee, lad? Surely a powerful organ like _Cosy Moments_, with
its vast ramifications, could bring off a thing like that?"
"I doubt it. We'll try, anyway. There's no knowing but what we may
have luck."
"Precisely," said Psmith. "Full steam ahead, and trust to luck. The
chances are that, if we go on long enough, we shall eventually
arrive somewhere. After all, Columbus didn't know that America
existed when he set out. All he knew was some highly interesting
fact about an egg. What that was, I do not at the moment recall,
but it bucked Columbus up like a tonic. It made him fizz ahead like
a two-year-old. The facts which will nerve us to effort are two. In
the first place, we know that there must be some one at the bottom
of the business. Secondly, as there appears to be no law of libel
whatsoever in this great and free country, we shall be enabled to
haul up our slacks with a considerable absence of restraint."
"Sure," said Billy Windsor. "Which of us is going to write the
first article?"
"You may leave it to me, Comrade Windsor. I am no hardened old
journalist, I fear, but I have certain qualifications for the post.
A young man once called at the office of a certain newspaper, and
asked for a job. 'Have you any special line?' asked the editor.
'Yes,' said the bright lad, 'I am rather good at invective.' 'Any
special kind of invective?' queried the man up top. 'No,' replied
our hero, 'just general invective.' Such is my own case, Comrade
Windsor. I am a very fair purveyor of good, general invective. And
as my visit to Pleasant Street is of such recent date, I am
tolerably full of my subject. Taking full advantage of the
benevolent laws of this country governing libel, I fancy I will
produce a screed which will make this anonymous lessee feel as if
he had inadvertently seated himself upon a tin-tack. Give me pen
and paper, Comrade Windsor, instruct Comrade Maloney to suspend his
whistling till such time as I am better able to listen to it; and I
think we have got a success."