"What physic must we give him for his cure?"
SHIRLEY.
The following day, Dr. Crack paid a visit to Henry Augustus Tippetson.
Most happy was the young gentleman to see his doctor; most happy was
the doctor to see his patient. Both of them thought most highly of
themselves, and somewhat highly of each other. They were both desirous
of showing off in each other's presence, and neither of them at a loss
for words in which to express their elegance and wisdom. Both of them
being aspirants, and wishing to impose upon each other, they talked
splendidly and mightily; and from their conversation, it might be
almost inferred that in the whole course of their being they had never
seen or conversed with any other beings in human form than people of
rank. They rivalled each other in the splendid and refined. All their
talk was concerning superfine subjects and superfine people; and indeed
to do them justice, it must be said that they were almost astonished
at themselves, for the wonderful dexterity with which they contrived
to avoid uttering a single expression which might betray an humble
origin, or a savour at all of plebeianism. The subject of nervousness
was, of course, canvassed with mighty diligence by the parties; and
Mr. Tippetson endeavoured to show himself mightily knowing by talking
fluently on a subject which he did not understand.
Every body that is not contented with being a fool likes to be
thought wise, and there are many modes by which they endeavour to gain
a reputation for wisdom. Some of these modes are by no means judicious.
One of them is, by talking to professional men on the matters which
have to do with their profession. No man understands that to which he
has not given something of study; but how readily will patients prate
to their physicians, as if intuition could give more knowledge to a
patient than experience and study can give to a physician! The nervous
patients are the worst at this amusement. Happy that medical man who
has patience to hear them talk, and discretion enough not to laugh at
them! Dr. Crack was eminent in this respect. Superlatively patient and
enduring was he when his patients bored him with their idle prate. This
was one great secret of his success in nervous cases. A secret, indeed,
it was in the strictest sense of the word, inasmuch as it was a secret
unknown to himself. One reason, to say nothing of his great politeness,
why he could bear prate so patiently was, that he was not troubled
with any continuous train of thought in his own mind, which might be
unpleasantly interrupted by noisy nothingness. Another reason was to be
found in his own knowledge of the fact, that nervous patients are most
productive when they are allowed by their doctor to have their own way.
With an aspect of profound wisdom, and the semblance of close
attention, did the ingenious Dr. Crack listen to the elegant Mr.
Tippetson's knowing dissertation on the subject of nerves.
"I have taken the greatest pains imaginable, doctor, to get rid of
these horrible nervous sensations. I don't think a single medicine has
been advertised for the last five years which I have not taken. I have
taken balsams, and balms, and syrups, and decoctions, and lozenges,
and pills, and steel, and bark, and soda, and cinnamon, besides a
great variety of compositions from private and family recipes; I
have consulted almost every medical man of any eminence, and I have
perseveringly taken all that they have prescribed. Indeed, I have taken
so much medicine, that I may be said to have nearly lived upon it. The
apothecary's shop has been my kitchen; and yet I seem to be growing
worse instead of better. I do think that my complaint is the most
obstinate one ever known, nothing will cure it."
That is very true. Mr. Tippetson's is not a singular case, many are
the nervous patients whom nothing will cure; but few are those who
have the fortitude to take nothing. Dr. Crack's great nostrum was
constructed on this principle. He gave or prescribed to his patients
that which amounted to nothing; but as it had a name, and he had a fee,
and as his patients seemed to themselves to be taking something, their
imaginations were amused, and some of them absolutely got well.
Now when the doctor heard the sad story of Mr. Tippetson's nerves,
he found that he should have no great difficulty to restore the
young gentleman to health. He spoke therefore with great confidence,
affirming that his case had been evidently misunderstood and very
improperly treated. Then the doctor proceeded to mention the names and
cases of several patients of high rank with whom his treatment had
been successful; and at length the conversation passed on from nerves
to fashionable life. Among other fashionable amusements, mention was
made of Mr. Henderson's preaching. Both the doctor and his patient
agreed, that it was never worth while to go to church but for the sake
of hearing an eloquent and splendid preacher. They also agreed, that
Mr. Henderson was a very pleasant gentlemanly man, not at all like
a parson. They also coincided in the opinion, that Miss Henderson
was pretty and agreeable. Mr. Tippetson thought her something of a
blue-stocking, and Dr. Crack thought her a very well-informed and
intelligent young lady. Mr. Tippetson, by means of that instinct of
which we have spoken above, soon perceived that the doctor was somewhat
captivated with the charms of this lady; and having no reason for
disliking Miss Henderson, but rather wishing to see her provided with
a husband, so as he himself was not the person, he spoke fluently and
readily in praise of the young lady, till the ingenious Dr. Crack
fancied that the wisest step which he could take would be to make at
once an offer of his hand to the daughter of the celebrated and popular
Mr. Henderson. It occurred to him also, that by such a connexion his
professional notoriety would be increased, and the number of his
patients augmented. Thereupon, like those who whistle aloud to keep
their courage up, he launched out in praise of the virtues, graces,
and beauties of Miss Henderson, till he was astonished that such a
paragon of excellence should have remained single so long. And as
the next nervous patient that was on his list was Mrs. Henderson,
the doctor proceeded to the residence of the great orator, proudly
conscious of his own importance, and filled with the thought that the
announcement of the marriage of Dr. Crack to Rebecca, eldest daughter,
&c., would look mightily magnificent in the eyes of his former humble
acquaintance. For though he had dropped all intercourse with the
companions and friends of his early youth, he could not help now and
then glancing a thought towards them. Oftentimes, when he was admiring
and envying the splendid apartments into which some of his professional
visits introduced him, he had a thought of his former humble friends,
and he said within himself, "How little do they think of the grandeur
to which I am introduced!" There is a gratification in greatness from
its contrast with littleness. It is a pleasure to look down from an
eminence, but it makes weak heads giddy.
The visit which Dr. Crack paid Mrs. Henderson under these circumstances
was one of unusual duration, and of extraordinary eloquence. At his
first entering the apartment, which was as usual with a most pompous
and consequential air, he addressed his patient in language of
encouragement.
"I think, madam, if I may form an inference from complexional
indications, the progress of your complaint seems to be very rapid
towards convalescence. Your natural vivacity appears to be returning,
and your visual organs are resuming their native brilliancy."
"I am afraid, doctor, that you are inclined to flatter me," replied
Mrs. Henderson; "though indeed, I must say, that I do feel better than
I have for some days past."
"Undoubtedly, madam, it is absolutely impossible in the nature of
things that you should not be better. A few more diurnal revolutions
of the terraqueous globe will suffice for effecting a perfect
sanification; and I confidently suspect that you will shortly be able
to dismiss your physician." Then with a change of tone, time, cadence,
and aspect, the eloquent physician added, "But I hope and trust, madam,
that though the physician be no longer needed, the friend will not be
dismissed."
Mrs. Henderson had been accustomed to Dr. Crack's peculiar style and
language of conversation, and could readily translate his expressions.
She therefore very politely replied to the doctor's wish that he might
visit the house as a friend, and acknowledged herself honored by his
attentions.
This last sentence had scarcely been uttered and answered, when
Mr. Henderson himself made his appearance. To him the doctor rose,
and bowed with almost unusual elegance and pomposity; and after the
ordinary words of meeting had been spoken, Dr. Crack said,
"I have unspeakable pleasure and delight, sir, in communicating to
you the highly interesting and encouraging information, that Mrs.
Henderson may now consider herself advancing very rapidly towards a
state of convalescence. It also gives me great pleasure to see you in
the possession and enjoyment of health, which is indeed one of the
greatest, if not the very greatest blessing which frail mortals can
enjoy."
"I thank you, doctor," replied Mr. Henderson; "I do indeed enjoy a
tolerably good state of health."
"That, sir, is a matter of very great importance, not to yourself
only, but to the world. The polished part of society must feel
infinitely indebted to you for the recommendation and attraction which
your fine taste gives to religious services. I look upon religion as an
affair of great and serious moment; but too often the ear is offended
by coarseness and inelegance of manner, whereby the more cultivated are
deterred from attending the service at church. But when that service
is performed as at your chapel, and when elegance is combined with
exhortation, and our taste is gratified while our souls are purified,
then is an attendance on service at church most delightful as well as
profitable."
There are some compliments in which sublimity, beauty, propriety, and
good taste, are so intimately and ingeniously blended, that no verbal
acknowledgment can be made of them; and they are only to be answered by
an humble bow which speaks gratitude, and a smile of diffidence which
seems to deny the full and total applicability of the said compliment
to the humble individual to whom it is addressed. Whether this were the
feeling of Mr. Henderson on the present occasion, or whether he thought
that Dr. Crack was a great puppy, we cannot say; we only know that Mr.
Henderson made a bow, and that, as he bowed, a slight smile played on
his features rather indicative of incredulity, or some such feeling.
After the expression of this compliment, which gave perhaps as much
satisfaction to him who framed it as to him who heard it, the doctor
proceeded to descant on elegant literature and beauty and sublimity,
and all that sort of thing. And Mr. Henderson, who was a very patient
good-humored man, bore it all with most exemplary patience; for as in
the pulpit he had all the talk to himself, he was not unwilling in
the parlour to undergo in his turn the fatigue of listening. Talking
may seem to be exertion, inasmuch as in the act of talking the tongue
moves; and with many philosophers it is thought that motion is opposed
to rest: with respect to the tongue, however, it is not so. Now, in the
Paradise Lost of John Milton, the rebellious spirits who are cast out
of heaven, and who meditate an effort to resume that state from whence
they have been driven, are represented as saying that ascent is their
natural, and descent their unnatural motion, which every body knows is
quite the reverse with man; so it comes to pass that the tongue differs
from all other objects or limbs, inasmuch as motion is its rest and
stillness its weariness.
As Mr. Henderson was not altogether displeased with Dr. Crack's effort
at a fine compliment, he gave the doctor a slight invitation to dine
with him. The doctor, in spite of his manifold avocations, accepted the
invitation. Eloquent as the doctor had been before dinner, he was still
more so after. When the subject of music was mentioned, the doctor was
so rapturous in its praise, that he might be said to have sung forth
its honors. Then Miss Henderson played, and the doctor was delighted;
then Miss Henderson sung, and the doctor was enraptured; then Miss
Henderson talked sentimentality, and the doctor was enchanted.
END OF VOL. II.
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Transcriber's Notes
Variations in spelling, punctuation and hyphenation have been retained
except in obvious cases of typographical errors.
Italics are shown thus _italic_.