physiology of heredity will disclose a sufficient reason why marriage
should be deferred until the development of the body is wholly complete.
The matrimonial relation implies reproduction. Reproduction is
effected through the union of the ovum with the zoosperm. These elements,
as we have already seen, are complete representatives of the
individuals producing them, being composed--as supposed--of minute
gemmules which are destined to be developed into cells and organs in
the new being, each preserving its resemblance to the cell within the
parent which produced it. The perfection of the new being, then, must
be largely dependent on the integrity and perfection of the sexual
elements. If the body is still incomplete, the reproductive elements
must also be incomplete; and, in consequence, the progeny must be
equally immature.
Early Marriage.--The preceding paragraph contains a sufficient reason
for condemning early marriage; that is, marriage before the ages
mentioned. It is probable that even the ages of twenty and twenty-four
are too early for those persons whose development is uncommonly slow.
But there are other cogent reasons for discountenancing early marriages,
also drawn from the physiology of reproduction, to say nothing of the
many reasons which might be urged on other grounds.
1. During the development of the body, all its energies are required
in perfecting the various tissues and organs. There is no material to
be spared for any foreign purpose.
2. The reproductive act is the most exhaustive of all vital acts. Its
effect upon an undeveloped person is to retard growth, weaken the
constitution, and dwarf the intellect.
3. The effects upon the female are even worse than those upon the male;
for, in addition to the exhaustion of nervous energy, she is compelled
to endure the burdens and pains of child-bearing when utterly
unprepared for such a task, to say nothing of her unfitness for the
other duties of a mother. With so many girl-mothers in the land, is
it any wonder that there are so many thousands of unfortunate
individuals who never seem to get beyond childhood in their
development? Many a man at forty years is as childish in mind, and as
immature in judgment, as a well-developed lad of eighteen would be.
They are like withered fruit plucked before it was ripe; they can never
become like the mellow and luscious fruit allowed to mature properly.
They are unalterably molded; and the saddest fact of all is that they
will give to their children the same imperfections; and the children
will transmit them to another generation, and so the evil will go on
increasing, unless checked by extinction.
Mutual Adaptation.--Another question of very great importance is that
of the mutual adaptation of the individuals. To this question we can
devote but a very brief consideration, and that will be more of the
nature of criticism than of a set of formal rules for governing
matrimonial alliances.
A writer of some note, whose work on this and kindred subjects has had
quite an extensive circulation, advocates with great emphasis the
theory that parties contemplating marriage should in all cases select
for partners individuals as nearly like themselves as possible. Exact
duplicates would, in his opinion, make the most perfect union
attainable. To make his theory practicable, he is obliged to fall back
upon phrenology; and directs that a man seeking a wife, or a woman
seeking a husband, should obtain a phrenological chart of his head and
then send it around until a counterpart is found. If the circle of one's
acquaintance is so fortunate as to contain no one cursed with the same
propensities or idiosyncrasies as himself, the newspapers are to be
brought into requisition as a medium of advertising.
If so strange a doctrine as this were advocated by an obscure individual
in some secluded hamlet, or found only in the musty volumes of some
forgotten author, it surely would be unworthy of notice; but coming
as it does from a quite popular writer, and being coupled with a great
amount of really valuable truth, it is sufficiently important to
deserve refutation. A brief glance at the practical working of the
theory will be a sufficient exposure of its falsity.
According to this rule, a man or woman of large combativeness should
select a partner equally inclined to antagonism; then we should
have--what? the elements of a happy, contented, harmonious life? No;
instead, either a speedy lawsuit for divorce, or a continual domestic
broil, the nearest approach to a mundane purgatory possible. The
selfish, close-fisted, miserly money-catcher must marry a woman
equally sordid and stingy. Then together they could hoard up, for moths
and rust to destroy, or for interested relatives to quarrel over, the
pictorial greenback and the glittering dollar, each scrimping the other
down to the finest point above starvation and freezing, and finally
dying, to be forgotten as soon as dead by their fellow-men, and sent
among the goats at the great assizes. A shiftless spendthrift must
choose for a helpmeet (?) an equally slovenly, thriftless wife. A man
with a crotchet should select a partner with the same morbid fancy.
A man whose whole mental composition gravitates behind his ears, must
find a mate with the same animal disposition. An individual whose mental
organization is sadly unbalanced, is advised to seek for a wife a woman
with the same deficiencies and abnormalities.
Any one can see at a glance the domestic disasters which such a plan
of proceeding would entail. Men and women of unbalanced temperaments
would become more unbalanced. An individual of erroneous tendencies,
instead of having the constant check of the example and admonitions
of a mate of opposite tendencies, would be, by constant example,
hastened onward in his sinful ways. Thus, to all but a very small
proportion of humanity, the married state would be one of infelicity
and degeneration.
And what would be the progeny of such unions? The peculiarities and
propensities of the parents, instead of being modified and perhaps
obliterated in the children by corresponding differences in character,
would be doubly exaggerated. The children of selfish parents would be
thieves; those of spendthrifts, beggars; those of crotchety parents,
monomaniacs; those born of sensual parents, beastly debauchees. A few
generations of such a degenerating process would either exterminate
the race or drive it back to Darwin's ancestral ape.
It must not be inferred, from our strictures upon the theory mentioned,
that we would advocate the opposite course, that is, the contraction
of marriage by individuals of wholly dissimilar tastes, aims, and
temperaments. Such alliances would doubtless be quite as wretched in
their results as those of an opposite character. It is with this as
with nearly all other subjects; the true course lies between the two
extremes. Parties who are negotiating a life partnership should be
careful to assure themselves that there exists a sufficient degree of
congeniality of temperament to make such close and continued
association agreeable.
Disparity of Age.--Both nature and custom seem to indicate that the
husband should be a little older than the wife. Several reasons might
be given for this; but we need not mention them. When, however, the
difference of ages reaches such an extreme as thirty, forty, even fifty
or more years, nature is abused, good taste is offended, and even
morality is shocked. Such ill-sorted alliances are disastrous to both
parties, and scarcely more to one than the other. An old man who forms
a union with a young girl scarce out of her teens--or even younger--can
scarcely have any very elevated motive for his action, and he certainly
exposes himself to the greatest risk of sudden death, while insuring
his premature decay. A king once characterized such a course as "the
pleasantest form of suicide." It is doubtless suicidal, but we suspect
there are some phases of such an unnatural union which are not very
enjoyable.
One reason of the great danger of such marriages to the old is the
exhaustive effects of the sexual act. As previously noted, in some
animals it causes immediate death. Dr. Acton makes the following
pertinent remarks:--
"So serious, indeed, is the paroxysm of the nervous system produced
by the sexual spasm, that its immediate effect is not always unattended
with danger, and men with weak hearts have died in the act. Every now
and then we learn that men are found dead on the night of their wedding."
"However exceptional these cases are, they are warnings, and should
serve to show that an act which _may_ destroy the weak should not be
tampered with, even by the strong."
"There are old men who marry young wives, and who pay the penalty by
becoming martyrs to paralysis, softening of the brain, and driveling
idiocy."
Dr. Gardner quotes the Abbe Maury, as follows: "I hold as certain that
after fifty years of age a man of sense ought to renounce the pleasures
of love. Each time that he allows himself this gratification is _a
pellet of earth thrown upon his coffin_."
Dr. Gardner further says: "Alliances of this sort have taken place in
every epoch of humanity, from the time of the patriarchs to the present
day,--alliances repugnant to nature,--between men bordering on
decrepitude and poor young girls, who are sacrificed by their parents
for position, or who sell themselves for gold. There is in these
monstrous alliances something which we know not how to brand
sufficiently energetically, in considering the reciprocal relations
of the pair thus wrongfully united, and the lot of the children which
may result from them. Let us admit, for an instant, that the marriage
has been concluded with the full consent of the young girl, and that
no external pressure has been exerted upon her will--as is generally
the rule--it will none the less happen that reflection and experience
will tardily bring regrets, and the sharper as the evil will be without
remedy; but if compulsion, or what is often the same thing, _persuasion_,
had been employed to obtain the consent which the law demands, the
result would have been more prompt and vehement. From this moment the
common life becomes odious to the unhappy victim, and _culpable hopes_
will arise in her desolate heart, so heavy is the chain she carries.
In fact, the love of the old man becomes ridiculous and horrid to her,
and we cannot sufficiently sympathize with the unfortunate person whose
duty [?] it is to submit to it. If we think of it an instant, we shall
perceive a repulsion, such as is only inspired by the idea of incest....
So what do we oftenest observe? Either the woman violently breaks the
cursed bands, or she resigns herself to them; and then she seeks to
fill up the void in her soul by adulterous amours. Such is the somber
perspective of the sacrilegious unions which set at defiance the most
respectable instincts, the most noble desires, and the most legitimate
hopes. Such, too, are the terrible chastisements reserved for the
thoughtlessness or foolish pride of these dissolute gray-beards, who
prodigalize the last breath of their life in search of depraved
voluptuousness."
The parents, the perpetrators of such an outrage against nature, are
not the only sufferers. Look at the children which they bring into the
world! Let Dr. Gardner speak again:--
"Children, the issue of old men, are habitually marked by a serious
and sad air spread over their countenances, which is manifestly very
opposite to the infantile expression which so delights one in the little
children of the same age engendered under other conditions. As they
grow up, their features take on more and more the senile character;
so much so that every one remarks it, and the world regards it as a
natural thing. The old mothers pretend that it is an old head on young
shoulders. They predict an early death to these children, and the event
frequently justifies the horoscope. Our attention has for many years
been fixed upon this point, and we can affirm that the greater part
of the offspring of these connections are weak, torpid, lymphatic, if
not scrofulous, and do not promise a long career."
In old age the seminal fluid becomes greatly deteriorated. Even at the
best, its component elements could only represent decrepitude and
infirmity, degeneration and senility. In view of such facts, says Dr.
Acton,--
"We are, therefore, forced to the conclusion that the children of old
men have an inferior chance of life; and facts daily observed confirm
our deductions. Look but at the progeny of such marriages; what is its
value? As far as I have seen, it is the worst kind--spoilt childhood,
feeble and precocious youth, extravagant manhood, early and premature
death."
Unions of an opposite character to those just considered, wherein a
young man marries a woman much older than himself, are more rare than
those of the other class. They are, perhaps, less deplorable in their
physical effects, but still highly reprehensible. They are seldom
prompted by pure motives, and can be productive of no good. Children
resulting from such unions are notably weak, unbalanced, and sorry
specimens of humanity.
We have scarcely referred to the domestic misery which may result from
these disgraceful unions. If a young girl is brought home by a widower
to preside over his grown-up daughters, perhaps old enough to be her
mother, all the elements are provided for such a domestic hell as could
only be equaled by circumstances precisely similar. If children are
born, neither father nor mother is fit to act the part of a parent to
them. The father, by reason of his age, is fitful, uncertain, and
childish; to-day too lenient, to-morrow too exacting. The mother is
pettish, childish, indulgent, impatient, and as unskilled in
government as unfit for motherhood. In the midst of all this misrule,
the child grows up undisciplined, uncultivated, unsubdued; a misery
to his parents, a disgrace to his friends, a dishonor to himself.
"What shall I do with him? and what will he do with me?" was the question
asked by a girl of eighteen whose parents were urging her to marry an
old man; and every young woman would do well to propound it under similar
circumstances.
Were we disposed to define more specifically the conditions necessary
to secure the most harmonious matrimonial unions, it would be useless
to do so; for unions of this sort never have been, and never will
be--with rare exceptions--formed in accordance with a prescribed
method independent of any emotional bias. Nor is it probable that such
a plan would result in remedying, in any appreciable degree, existing
evils. It is a fact too patent to be ignored that a very large share
of the unhappiness in the world arises from ill-mated marriages; but
it is also true that nearly the whole of this unhappiness might be
averted if the parties themselves would endeavor to lessen the
differences between them by mutual approximation.
Courtship.--We cannot well avoid devoting a few paragraphs to a part
of the subject so important as this, especially as it affords an
opportunity for pointing out some evils too patent and too perilous
to be ignored.
Courting, in the sense in which we use the word, is distinctly an
American custom. The social laws of other civilized countries are such
as to preclude the possibility of the almost unrestrained association
of the sexes in youth which we see in this country. We do not offer
this fact as an argument in favor of foreign social customs, by any
means, although in this one particular they often present great
advantages, since in the majority of instances other evils as great
or even greater are encouraged. We mention the fact simply for the
purpose of bringing into bold relief the evils of the characteristic
American looseness in this particular.
A French matron would be horrified at the idea of a young man asking
her daughter to accompany him alone on an evening ride, to a lecture,
concert, or other place of amusement, and much more should he ask the
privilege of sitting up all night in the parlor with the light turned
down, after the rest of the family had retired. Among respectable people
in France such liberties are not tolerated; and a young man who should
propose such things would be dismissed from the house instantly, and
would be regarded as unfit for association with virtuous people. If
a young man calls upon a young lady for the purpose of making her
acquaintance, he sees both her and her mother, or an aunt or older sister.
He never sees her alone. If he invites her to ride, or to accompany
him to an entertainment of any sort, he must always invite her lady
friend also; she goes along at any rate. There is afforded no chance
for solitary moonlight strolls or rides, nor any other of the similar
opportunities made so common by American courting customs. We are no
advocates of the formal modes of contracting matrimonial alliances
common among many nations, and illustrations of which we find at all
ages of the world. For example, among the ancient Assyrians it was a
custom to sell wives to the highest bidder, at auction, the sums
received for the handsomer one being given to the less favored ones
as a dowry, to secure a husband for every woman. The same custom
prevailed in Babylon in ancient times, and has been practiced in modern
times in Russia. At St. Petersburg, not many years ago, an annual sale
of wives was held on Whit Sunday, after the same plan followed by the
Assyrians.
Among the early Jews it seems to have been the custom for parents to
select wives for their sons. In the case of Isaac, this important matter
was intrusted to an old and experienced servant, who was undoubtedly
considered much more competent to select a wife for the young man than
he was himself. The same custom has been handed down even to the present
time among some oriental nations. In many cases the parties are not
allowed to see each other until after the wedding ceremony is completed.
The Hungarians often betroth their children while they are yet in their
cradles, as did the Mexicans and Brazilians of the last century. In
some countries it has even been customary to betroth girls
conditionally before they were born. The primitive Moravians seem to
have adhered to the ancient Jewish custom in some degree, though making
the selection of a wife a matter of chance. The old people did all the
courting there was done, which was not much. When a young man desired
a wife, a helpmeet was selected for him by casting lots among the
marriageable young ladies of the community, and the young man was
obliged to abide by the decision, it being supposed that Providence
controlled the selection. We are not prepared to say that the young
man ran any greater risk of getting an uncongenial or undesirable life
companion by this mode of selection than by the more modern modes in
vogue among us.
As before remarked, we do not present these customs as illustrations
of what might be considered a proper mode of conducting the preliminary
steps of matrimonial alliances. On the contrary, we unhesitatingly
pronounce them decidedly objectionable on moral grounds if not on
others, and we can readily see that such unions must have been in many
cases exceedingly unsatisfactory.
In various other countries, marriage customs quite the opposite from
those described have been in vogue. In Irving's "Knickerbocker's
History of New York," a somewhat humorous account is given of a custom
which has prevailed in some parts of this country as well as others,
even within the memory of persons living at the present day, and is,
indeed, said to be not yet altogether obsolete in Finland. The author,
in dwelling upon the social customs of the early Dutch settlers of New
York, describes "a singular custom prevalent among them, commonly known
by the name of _bundling_,--a superstitious rite observed by the young
people of both sexes, with which they usually terminated their
festivities, and which was kept up with religious strictness by the
more bigoted part of the community. This ceremony was likewise, in those
primitive times, considered as an indispensable preliminary to
matrimony, their courtships commencing where ours usually finish,--by
which means they acquired that intimate acquaintance with each other's
good qualities before marriage, which has been pronounced by
philosophers the sure basis of a happy union. Thus early did this
cunning and ingenious people display a shrewdness of making a bargain,
which has ever since distinguished them."
"To this sagacious custom, therefore, do I chiefly attribute the
unparalleled increase of the Yanokie or Yankee race; for it is a certain
fact, well authenticated by court records and parish registers, that,
wherever the practice of bundling prevailed, there was an amazing
number of sturdy brats annually born into the State, without the license
of the law, or the benefit of clergy."
Long Courtships.--Chiefly for the reasons presented in the preceding
paragraphs, we are opposed to long courtships and long engagements.
They are productive of no good, and are not infrequently the occasion
of much evil. There may be circumstances which render a prolonged
engagement necessary and advisable; but, in general, they are to be
avoided.
On the other hand, hasty marriages are still more to be deprecated,
especially when, as is too commonly the case, the probability is so
great that passion is the actuating motive far more than true love.
Marriage is a matter of most serious consequences, and deserving of
the most careful deliberation. Too often matrimony is entered upon
without any more substantial assurance of happiness as the result than
the individual has of securing a valuable prize who buys a ticket in
a lottery scheme. In the majority of cases, young people learn more
of each other's real character within six weeks after marriage than
they discovered during as many months of courting. To every young man
and woman we say, Look well before you leap; consider well, carefully,
and prayerfully. A leap in the dark is a fearful risk, and will be far
more likely to land you in a domestic purgatory than anywhere else.
Do not be dazzled by a handsome face, an agreeable address, a brilliant
or piquant manner. Choose, rather, modesty, simplicity, sincerity,
morality, qualities of heart and mind, rather than exterior
embellishments.
"It is folly," suggests a friend, "to give advice on these subjects,
for no one will follow advice on this point, no matter how sensible
and reasonable he may be on all other subjects. The emotions carry the
individual away, and the reason loses control." This is all too true,
in nearly all cases. We believe in affection. The emotions have their
part to act. We have no sympathy with the theories of those who will
have all marriages made by rule. But reason must be allowed a voice
in the matter; and although there may be a time when the overwhelming
force of the emotions may force the reason and judgment into the
background, there has been a time previous when the judgment might have
held control. Let every young man and woman be most scrupulously careful
how he allows emotional excitement to gain the ascendency. When once
reason is stifled, the individual is in a most precarious situation.
It is far better and easier to prevent the danger than to escape from
it.