TO those who require to be taught how they may express themselves
in those delicate negotiations which precede the question of
marriage, this little book is not addressed. It is not proposed to
introduce form and ceremony into that which should spring purely
and spontaneously from the heart, and which should be the most
natural expression of a most natural feeling, in connection with
which etiquette would be simply a mockery. Etiquette, being only a
system devised and found convenient for the social rule and
guidance of the many, cannot by any possibility be applied to the
conduct of two who may reasonably be supposed to be acquainted
with each other's sentiments before they begin to speak about
them. If they are not so acquainted, all the etiquette in the
world cannot help them, nor preserve them from making what may be
a blunder of the most awkward kind. There are people who profess
to teach how and in what terms an offer of marriage should be
made, whether by letter or by mouth, and, in either case, what
should be said. I pretend to no such knowledge, believing that if
the heart cannot suggest the way and the words, nothing else can
do so.
Yet, the wiser way, usually, is in speech. Letters are seldom
expressive of what really passes in the mind of a man; or, if
expressive, seem foolish, since deep feelings are liable to
exaggeration. Every written word may be the theme of cavil. Study,
care, which avail in every other species of composition, are death
to the lover's effusion. A few sentences, spoken in earnest, and
broken by emotion, are more eloquent than pages of sentiment, both
to parents and daughter.
The place of etiquette, the social law which regulates the conduct
of engaged people towards others, and of other people towards
them, is immediately after the announcement of the engagement;
then there is scope for the display of good manners and good
breeding, and there are certain rules which must be observed.
Some members of the gentleman's family, his nearest relations,
should call upon the family of the lady, and they should return
the call as soon as possible. It is by no means necessary that the
two families should be intimate; there may be good and sufficient
reasons why they should not be so; all that is necessary is the
show of civility, which is included in the interchange of visits.
If the family of the gentleman does not reside in the same city as
that of the lady, the announcement of the engagement should be
followed by letters from his parents or nearest relatives to the
young lady herself or her parents. Kindly and cordial feeling
should be the prevailing tone of such letters, and they must be
answered at once.
Though it is often true that the gentleman who aspires to love one
member of a family must make his account in loving all the rest in
some degree, there is no necessity for such a display of
amiability on the part of the lady.
It is customary for the gentleman to make some present to his
fiancee soon after the engagement. The most elegant and desirable
present is a handsome ring, "the engagement ring," which should be
either of diamonds or pearls. The lady sometimes returns a similar
ring, or the gentleman has two made exactly similar, each of the
betrothed wearing one.
The first present must be made by the gentleman. It is very proper
for this first present to be followed by gifts upon appointed
days, as birthdays, Christmas, or New Year's Day, and the lady is
at perfect liberty to return the compliment. It is considered more
elegant for the gentleman to offer jewelry, the lady some gift
which is the work of her own hands, as a handsome pair of
embroidered slippers, a handkerchief with richly embroidered
monograms, a cigar-case embroidered, or some similar gift.
When once the engagement is allowed, it is the custom to admit the
gentleman into the intimate society of his newly-adopted
relatives; he is looked upon as something more than a potential
member of the family; he is implicitly trusted in every way.
It is a gross breach of good manners to omit the gentleman from
any invitation in which his fiancee is included, and there are not
many young ladies who would consent to accept such an invitation.
There is, however, no rule of etiquette forbidding an engaged lady
to do so, if she so desires.
In return for the membership which is accorded to him in the
lady's family, the engaged man should show all possible deference
towards the of members it, especially to the parents. Towards the
sisters of his lady love, he should be kind; and generally
attentive, and frank, and cordial in his intercourse with her
brothers. If there are young children in the family, nothing will
make him more popular with the older members than an occasional
gift of toys or confectionery, or an excursion during the holidays
with the schoolboys, who will readily swear allegiance, after such
a trip, to "the man Emily is going to marry," or (vulgar little
wretches that they are) to "Amelia's _beau_."
It is not according to the strict laws of etiquette for the
brothers and sisters to call the new member at first by his
Christian name. Much will depend on his age and his disposition.
There are some people whom one can never address otherwise than
formally, while with others it seems perfect nonsense to call them
otherwise than by the most familiar term.
If not a positive requirement of etiquette, it is, at least, a
politic thing to pay considerable attention to the future mother-
in-law. To occupy a good place in her esteem and affection is to
smooth many a furrow, which otherwise might trip one up in his
walk over the tender ground that leads to matrimony.
An engaged man should never forget the exceedingly abnormal
position he occupies with reference to the lady's family; the
inconvenience his presence may occasion, and the amount of
forbearance necessary on their parts to insure even a friendly
status for him in the household. He should endeavor to repay this
by a careful attention to the general rules of the family, and
even to the particular fancies of the members; he should rigidly
observe their hours for meals, and be careful not to stay later in
the evening than the usual hour for the household to retire.
There should be the most perfect candor, on the gentleman's part,
concerning the state of his financial affairs, and he should
respectfully consider the worldly position of the family he is to
enter, never doing anything to hurt their feelings, either by word
or act, should their status be below his own, and never professing
scorn or contempt for wealth or power, should their status be
higher than his own.
During the arrangement of pecuniary matters, a young lady should
endeavor to understand what is going on, receiving it in a right
spirit. If she has a private fortune, she should, in all points
left to her, be generous and confiding; at the same time, prudent.
Many a man, she should remember, may abound in excellent
qualities, and yet be improvident. He may mean to do well, yet
have a passion for building; he may be the very soul of good
nature, yet be fond of the gaming-table; he may have no wrong
propensities, and yet have a confused notion of accounts, and be
one of those unfortunate men who muddle away a great deal of
money, no one knows how; or he may be a too strict economist, a
man who takes too good care of the pence, till he tires his wife's
life out about an extra dollar; or he may be facile, or weakly
good-natured, and have a friend who preys on him, and for whom he
is disposed to become security. Finally, the beloved Charles,
Henry, or Reginald may have none of these propensities, but may
chance to be an honest merchant, or a tradesman, with his floating
capital in business, and a consequent risk of being one day rich,
the next a pauper.
Upon every account, therefore, it is necessary for a young lady to
have a settlement on her; and she should not, from a weak spirit
of romance, oppose her friends who advise it, since it is for her
husband's advantage as well as her own. By making a settlement,
there is always a fund that cannot be touched--a something,
however small, as a provision for a wife and children; and whether
she have a fortune or not, this ought to be made. An allowance for
dress should also be arranged; and this should be administered in
such a way that a wife should not have to ask for it at
inconvenient times, and thus irritate her husband.
Flirtations on either side should be avoided, not only as, matter
of etiquette, but of humanity. No one who is really sincere in his
professions will wish to inflict pain on the object of his
affections. The same remark applies to the other side. Can it be
anything but painful in the extreme for a really loving heart to
see in the beloved one a tendency to trifle with the most sacred
emotions of the heart?
It is not etiquette to make signal displays of devotion in public,
or to be constantly sitting apart from the rest of the company;
but, on the other hand, "the authorities" will do well to make
occasions when the engaged pair can be by themselves, doing so,
not ostentatiously, but rather doing it, without speaking of it or
drawing attention to it. Nothing can make an engaged couple look
more foolish, and feel more uncomfortable, than for the family to
quit the room in which all have been sitting, with some such
remark as: "Come away! Fanny and Mr. Amor want this room to
themselves." Poor Fanny!
In equally bad taste is exclusiveness by the happy couple
themselves. Their devotions should be reserved for a _tete-a-
tete_, and women are generally in fault when it is otherwise. They
like to exhibit their conquest; they cannot dispense with
attentions; they forget that the demonstration of any peculiar
condition of things in society must make some one uncomfortable:
the young ladies are uncomfortable because they are not equally
happy; the young gentlemen detest what they call nonsense; the old
think there is a time for all things.
All sitting apart, therefore, and especial displays are in bad
taste; and they so often accompany insincerity, that the truest
affections are apt to be those which are reserved for the genuine
and heartfelt intimacy of private interviews.
At the same time, airs of indifference and avoidance should be
equally guarded against; since, however strong and mutual
attachment may be, such a line of conduct is apt needlessly to
mislead others, and so produce mischief. True feeling, and a
ladylike consideration for others--a point in which the present
generation essentially fails--are the best guides for steering
between the extremes of demonstration, on the one hand, and of
frigidity on the other.
It is the lady's exclusive privilege to appoint the wedding-day;
and however impatient the lover, he must submit patiently to her
decree upon this important point.
When the day is fixed, it is customary for the bridegroom to have
ready for the occasion a handsome present, usually a parure of
jewels, but governed, of course, by his means and generosity. In
France, this gift is called the _corbeille de mariage_, and the
rule there is to make its value ten per cent. of the bride's
private fortune. It consists of a handsome basket or box,
containing shawls, jewels, lace, furs, gloves, fans, and a purse
containing a sum of money in _new_ gold pieces. This gift is
always placed on exhibition with the rest of the wedding presents.
It is etiquette for wedding presents to be sent always to the
_bride_, never to the bridegroom, though they be given by friends
of the latter. They may be sent at any time during the week
previous to the wedding-day, and it is customary to display them,
handsomely arranged before the ceremony.
In sending out invitations to a wedding, there are two cards
folded in the invitation in the envelope. The invitation is in the
name of the bride's mother-or if she is not living, the relative
or friend nearest the bride-and is as follows:
MRS. LEON CHURCH
AT HOME,
_Wednesday, October 24th,_
FROM 11 TILL 2 o'CLOCK.
No. 74 L--- STREET.
The two cards, one large and one small, are folded in this, which
is printed upon handsome note-paper. Upon the large card is
engraved: