MITCHENER. Not another word. Attention. Right about face. March. (The
Orderly sits down doggedly.) Get out of the room this instant, you fool,
or Ill kick you out.
THE ORDERLY (civilly). I dont mind that, sir. Its human. Its English.
Why couldnt you have said it before? (He goes out).
MITCHENER. Take no notice I beg: these scenes are of daily occurrence
now that we have compulsory service under the command of the halfpenny
papers. Pray sit down.
LADY CORINTHIA AND MRS. BANGER (rising). Thank you. (They sit down
again.)
MITCHENER (sitting down with a slight chuckle of satisfaction). And now,
ladies, to what am I indebted?
MRS. BANGER. Let me introduce us. I am Rosa Carmina Banger--Mrs.
Banger, organizing secretary of the Anti-Suffraget League. This is
Lady Corinthia Fanshawe, the president of the League, known in musical
circles--I am not myself musical--as the Richmond Park nightingale. A
soprano. I am myself said to be almost a baritone; but I do not profess
to understand these dis-tinctions.
MITCHENER (murmuring politely). Most happy, Im sure.
MRS. BANGER. We have come to tell you plainly that the Anti-Suffragets
are going to fight.
MITCHENER (gallantly). Oh, pray leave that to the men, Mrs. Banger.
LADY CORINTHIA. We can no longer trust the men.
MRS. BANGER. They have shown neither the strength, the courage, nor the
determination which are needed to combat women like the Suffragets.
LADY CORINTHIA. Nature is too strong for the combatants.
MRS. BANGER. Physical struggles between persons of opposite sexes are
unseemly.
LADY CORINTHIA. Demoralizing.
MRS. BANGER. Insincere.
LADY CORINTHIA. They are merely embraces in disguise.
MRS. BANGER. No such suspicion can attach to combats in which the
antagonists are of the same sex.
LADY CORINTHIA. The Anti-Suffragets have resolved to take the field.
MRS. BANGER. They will enforce the order of General Sandstone for the
removal of all women from the two mile radius--that is, all women except
themselves.
MITCHENER. I am sorry to have to inform you, Madam, that the Government
has given up that project, and that General Sandstone has resigned in
consequence.
MRS. BANGER. That does not concern us in the least. We approve of the
project and will see that it is carried out. We have spent a good deal
of money arming ourselves; and we are not going to have that money
thrown away through the pusillanimity of a Cabinet of males.
MITCHENER. Arming yourselves! But, my dear ladies, under the latest
proclamation women are strictly forbidden to carry chains, padlocks,
tracts on the franchise, or weapons of any description.
LADY CORINTHIA (producing an ivory-handled revolver and pointing it at
his nose). You little know your countrywomen, General Mitchener.
MITCHENER (without flinching). Madam: it is my duty to take possession
of that weapon in accordance with the proclamation. Be good enough to
put it down.
MRS. BANGER (producing an XVIII century horse pistol). Is it your duty
to take possession of this also?
MITCHENER. That, madam, is not a weapon; it is a curiosity. If you would
be kind enough to place it in some museum instead of pointing it at my
head, I should be obliged to you.
MRS. BANGER. This pistol, sir, was carried at Waterloo by my
grandmother.
MITCHENER. I presume you mean your grandfather.
MRS. BANGER. You presume unwarrantably.
LADY CORINTHIA. Mrs. Banger's grandmother commanded a canteen at that
celebrated battle.
MRS. BANGER. Who my grandfather was is a point that has never been quite
clearly settled. I put my trust not in my ancestors, but in my good
sword, which is at my lodgings.
MITCHENER. Your sword!
MRS. BANGER. The sword with which I slew five Egyptians with my own hand
at Kassassin, where I served as a trooper.
MITCHENER. Lord bless me! But was your sex never discovered?
MRS. BANGER. It was never even suspected. I had a comrade--a gentleman
ranker--whom they called Fanny. They never called ME Fanny.
LADY CORINTHIA. The suffragets have turned the whole woman movement on
to the wrong track. They ask for a vote.
MRS. BANGER. What use is a vote? Men have the vote.
LADY CORINTHIA. And men are slaves.
MRS. BANGER. What women need is the right to military service. Give me a
well-mounted regiment of women with sabres, opposed to a regiment of men
with votes. We shall see which will go down before the other. (rises)
No: we have had enough of these gentle pretty creatures who merely talk
and cross-examine ministers in police courts, and go to prison like
sheep, and suffer and sacrifice themselves. This question must be solved
by blood and iron, as was well said by Bismarck, whom I have reason to
believe was a woman in disguise.
MITCHENER. Bismarck a woman?
MRS. BANGER. All the really strong men of history have been disguised
women.
MITCHENER (remonstrating). My dear lady!
MRS. BANGER. How can you tell? You never knew that the hero of the
charge at Kassassin was a woman: yet she was: it was I, Rosa Carmina
Banger. Would Napoleon have been so brutal to women, think you, had he
been a man?
MITCHENER. Oh, come, come! Really! Surely female rulers have often shown
all the feminine weaknesses. Queen Elizabeth, for instance. Her vanity,
her levity.
MRS. BANGER. Nobody who has studied the history of Queen Elizabeth can
doubt for a moment that she was a disguised man.
LADY CORINTHIA (admiring Mrs. Banger). Isnt she splendid?
MRS. BANGER (rising with a large gesture). This very afternoon I shall
cast off this hampering skirt for ever; mount my charger; and with my
good sabre lead the Anti-Suffragets to victory. (She strides to the
other side of the room, snorting.)
MITCHENER. But I cant allow anything of the sort, madam. I shall stand
no such ridiculous nonsense. Im perfectly determined to put my foot
down.
LADY CORINTHIA. Dont be hysterical, General.
MITCHENER. Hysterical!
MRS. BANGER. Do you think we are to be stopped by these childish
exhibitions of temper. They are useless; and your tears and
entreaties--a man's last resource--will avail you just as little.
I sweep them away, just as I sweep your plans of campaign "made in
Germany--"
MITCHENER (flying into a transport of rage). How dare you repeat
that infamous slander? (He rings the bell violently.) If this is the
alternative to votes for women, I shall advocate giving every woman in
the country six votes.
The Orderly comes in.
Remove that woman. See that she leaves the building at once.
The Orderly forlornly contemplates the iron front presented by Mrs.
Banger.
THE ORDERLY (propitiatorily). Would you av the feelin art to step out,
madam.
MRS. BANGER. You are a soldier. Obey your orders. Put me out. If I got
such an order, I should not hesitate.
THE ORDERLY (To Mitchener). Would you mind lendin me a and, Guvner?
LADY CORINTHIA (raising her revolver). I shall be obliged to shoot you
if you stir, General.
MRS. BANGER (To the Orderly). When you are ordered to put a person out
you should do it like this. (She hurls him from the room. He is heard
falling headlong downstairs and crashing through a glass door.) I shall
now wait on General Sandstone. If he shows any sign of weakness, he
shall share that poor wretch's fate. (She goes out.)
LADY CORINTHIA. Isnt she magnificent?
MITCHENER. Thank heaven shes gone. And now, my dear lady, is it
necessary to keep that loaded pistol to my nose all through our
conversation?
LADY CORINTHIA. Its not loaded. Its heavy enough, goodness knows,
without putting bullets in it.
MITCHENER (triumphantly snatching his revolver from the drawer). Then I
am master of the situation. This IS loaded. Ha, ha!
LADY CORINTHIA. But since we are not really going to shoot one another,
what difference can it possibly make?
MITCHENER (putting his pistol down on the table). True. Quite true. I
recognize there the practical good sense that has prevented you from
falling into the snares of the Suffragets.
LADY CORINTHIA. The Suffragets, General, are the dupes of dowdies. A
really attractive and clever woman--
MITCHENER (gallantly). Yourself, for instance.
LADY CORINTHIA (snatching up his revolver). Another step and you are a
dead man.
MITCHENER (amazed). My dear lady!
LADY CORINTHIA. I am not your dear lady. You are not the first man who
has concluded that because I am devoted to music and can reach F flat
with the greatest facility--Patti never got above E flat--I am marked
out as the prey of every libertine. You think I am like the thousands of
weak women whom you have ruined--