(_An Utterly Impossible Incident that will never be "Reported."_)
SCENE--_A Court of Law. Experienced Counsel arguing a point in
the teeth of his Lordship on the Bench._
_His Lordship_ (_angrily_). No, Mr. BANDS, I really cannot agree with
you. It seems to me that you are merely wasting our time, and no doubt
your own.
_Experienced Counsel_ (_politely_). Not at all, my Lord. I scarcely
venture to urge the great importance of the matter to my client.
_His Lordship._ No doubt; and your client showed excellent judgment
in entrusting his interests to your hands. Still law is law, and can
never be anything else.
_Exp. C._ Your Lordship is most kind. But my point, my Lord, is so
plain--the matter is so clear. Surely your Lordship must see it.
_His Lordship_ (_with much irony_). It is my fault, no doubt, Mr.
BANDS, but as matter of fact your point is absolutely lost to me. I
confess I cannot see it at all.
_Exp. C._ I would not propose for a moment that your Lordship's
judgment is at fault. But I would venture to suggest that the
atmosphere of the Court is sufficiently dense to cloud the clearest
and most brilliant intellect.
_His Lordship_ (_mollified_). There is a good deal in what you say,
Mr. BANDS, but of course, we must put up with it. There is no remedy.
_Exp. C._ With every possible respect to the Bench, my Lord, I would
humbly suggest that there is a remedy.
_His Lordship._ Can you quote a case?
_Exp. C._ I can, at any rate, refer to an opinion.
_His Lordship._ Has it been reported?
_Exp. C._ Certainly, my Lord. You will find it in the Reports of the
Hardwicke Society. Lord Chief Justice RUSSELL OF KILLOWEN has laid
it down that snuff is a most valuable assistance to the proper
dispensation of justice. His Lordship has declared that the inhaling
of prepared tobacco through the nostrils "clears the judicial brain,
predisposes it to calmness and impartiality, and enables a learned
judge to listen with patience to the most fluent and prolific of
forensic orators." If your Lordship pleases.
[_Offers snuff-box to the Judge._
_His Lordship_ (_after taking a pinch_). Well, certainly the point you
have raised seems clearer to me than it did. (_After a few moments of
consideration._) I will reserve the case for further consideration,
and will deliver judgment later.
_Exp. C._ As your Lordship pleases. I will ask the usher to hand my
authorities to your Lordship.
_His Lordship_ (_receiving snuff-box_). You are very good. I will
not overlook their assistance in coming to a conclusion. I hope the
occasion may never arise when I might be compelled, as the vulgar
tongue expresses it, to "give you snuff."
[_Scene closes upon mutual courtesies._
* * * * *
[Illustration: "OH, I'M GLAD YOU'VE GOT A PIANO IN THE ROOMS! WHAT IS
IT?--A BROADWOOD?"
"NO, MUM. MYOGH'NY!"]
* * * * *