(_BY CROESUS._)
[_Mr. Punch_ has decided that it is absolutely necessary
for him to publish every week a financial article. The best
treatises on Political Economy lay it down as an axiom
that, where the desire for acquisition is universal, and the
standard of value absolute, a balance between gain and loss
can only be reached by the mathematical adjustment of _meum_
and _tuum_. Acting upon this principle, _Mr. Punch_ has, in
the interests of everybody, retained the services of one of
the most, if not _the_ most, eminent contemporary financiers,
whom modesty alone prevents from signing his own name to his
benevolent and comprehensive articles. Those, however, who
care to look beneath the surface, will have no difficulty
in determining the identity of one of the greatest modern
monetary authorities, a man whose nod has before this
shattered prosperous empires, and whose word is even better
than his bond, could such a thing be possible. _Mr. Punch_ has
only one thing to say to those who desire to be rich. It is
this. Follow implicitly the advice of CROESUS.]
SIR,--You have asked me to devote some of my spare time to the
enlightenment of your readers on matters connected with the
money-markets of the world. The request is an easy one to make. You
talk of spare time, as if the man who controlled millions of money,
and could _at any moment_ put all the Directors of the Bank of England
in his waistcoat pocket, had absolutely nothing to do except to devote
himself to the affairs of other people. Such a man has no leisure.
When he is not engaged in launching loans, or in admitting to an
audience the Prime Ministers of peoples rightly struggling to free
themselves from debt by adding largely to their public liabilities,
when, I say, he is not thusly or otherwisely engaged, his mind must
still busy itself with the details of all the immense concerns over
which he, more or less, presides. However, I am willing to make an
exception in your case, and to impart to you the ripe fruits of an
experience which has no parallel in any country of the habitable
globe. Without, therefore, cutting any more time to waste, I begin.
[Illustration]
(1.) _Mines_.--There can be no doubt that in this department a largely
increased activity may soon be expected. I am aware that in "Shafts"
there has been a downward tendency; but I am assured by the Secretary
of the "Dodjâ Plant Co." (19½, 6/8, 54·2½, 7/8), that the prospects
of this branch of investment were never more brilliant. The latest
report of the Mining Expert sent out to investigate this mine, runs
as follows:--
"I have now been three days in the interior of the Dodjâ Plant. I can
confidently state that I found no water, though there was evidence of
large deposits of salt, which could be worked at an immense profit.
The gold is abundant. I have crushed ten tons of quartz _with my own
hands_, and found the yield in florins extraordinary. The natives
guard the mouth of the mine. Please relieve promptly. My assistant
became a Salmi yesterday."
There is some obscurity (intentional, of course) in the last
few words. I may, therefore, state that a Salmi is one of the
most important native bankers. The profession is only open to
millionnaires. I therefore say, emphatically, buy Dodjâs.
(2.) _The Carbon Diamond Fields_.--The latest quotations are 14-5/8 to
the dozen, with irregular falls. Carbon Prefs. unaltered. Trusts firm.
This is a good investment for a poor man. In fact there could not be
a better. No necessity to deal through an ordinary stockbroker. Wire
"CROESUS, City." That will find me, and by return you shall have
address of banker, to whom first deposit for cover must be immediately
paid.
(3.) _Italian Cattivas_ quieter. A Correspondent asks--"What do you
recommend a man who has laid by £20 to do in order to hold £1,000 at
the end of a month?" I say at once, Try Cattivas (19-2/5 Def.; Deb.
Stk. 14--15). Wire "CROESUS, City."
(4.) _South-African Pih Kroost_ short. Gold continues to be in good
demand. Anybody wishing to make a quick profit out of a small sum,
such as from two to five sovereigns, wire "CROESUS, City" anytime
before 12·30. In all cases of telegraphing, the message must be
"Reply-Paid," or no notice will be taken of the communication.
Remember "Time is Money." Keep up a good supply of both, and you'll
live to bless "CROESUS."
_Advice Gratis_.--Make (Brighton) "A," while the sun shines,
Inquiries as to _The Para Docks Company_, and _The Jerrie Myer Bilder
Company_, I will answer squarely and fairly next week. Don't move in
these without the straight and direct advice of "CROESUS."
As to the _Turpin, Sheppard, and Abershaw Highways Company_, I shall
have something to say next week. Investors who want a real good thing,
just hold your coin in hand for a week, till I say "Go," and then go
it. This Company will be a big thing, _and, mind you, safe_.
For the present I close the account, to re-open it next week, and, to
show my good faith, send you my subscription, which you may read here,
as I subscribe myself, "CROESUS, CITY."
* * * * *
[Greek: THAE PROTEKTED PHEMALE.]
[Illustration]
["For our part we do not believe in protected studies. Greek
came into the Western world, poor and needy, three centuries
ago. By her own unaided charms she has won her way. By
those charms we believe that she will hold her own against
all competitors until literature and civilisation are no
more."--_Times_.]
Protected Greek! Protected Greek!
BALFOUR may doubt, the _Times_ demur,
And chattering "correspondents" seek
Against the goddess strife to stir,
But while the Senate rules, you bet,
The Goths shan't smash the Grecians yet.
When Don meets Don injurious fray
Then comes in sooth the tug of war;
And on this memorable day
They gather in from near and far,
To whelm the unnatural ones who'd seek
To set the "Grace" against the Greek.
SWETE looks on JEBB and JEBB on BROWNE,
And BATESON looks on ROBERTSON SMITH.
They cry, "Of WELLDON 'tis ill-done!"
But THOMSON is a man of pith,
And GRIMTHORPE, that scalp-hunting "Brave"
Will tomahawk the "Modern" slave.
The Proctors sat with serious brow,
Within the swarming Senate House,
Voters in hundreds swarmed below,
Fellows of scholarship and _nous_.
They counted votes, and, when 'twas done,
_Non-placets_ had it, three to one!
And where are they, Granta's fell foes,
The champions of the Modern side?
Five twenty-five emphatic "Noes"
Have squelched their schemes, and dashed their pride.
Hurroo! for those so prompt to vindicate
Compulsory Greek against the Syndicate!
Thus sang, or would, or could, or should have sung,
The modern Greek, in imitative verse;
Meanwhile the Goddess, grave, though ever young,
Stood, Psyche-like, untempted to rehearse
The ragings--angrier ink was seldom slung--
Uttered by BYRON in Minerva's Curse.
She simply stood, as stately-proud as Pallas,
Looking so calm, some might have deemed her callous.
Amusing sight this game! _Don_ versus _Don_
Mixed in a sort of classic Donny brook.
A lethal weapon is a Lexicon
When rivals make a bludgeon of the book.
By her unaided charms the Goddess won
Her way. _This_ is the language of her look.
(The Laureate's) "Judge thou me by what I am,
"So shalt thou find me, fairest"--_sans_ Compulsory Cram!
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