THE PROPHET AND MALKIEL THE SECOND CONVERSE BY TELEGRAM
“Hennessey Vivian, 1000 Berkeley Square, W.
“Please wire result of last night’s observations from eleven till three
inclusive.--Sagittarius.”
“Jupiter Sagittarius, Sagittarius Lodge, Crampton St. Peter, N.
“Impossible wire result, will write at length after taking further
observations to-night.--Vivian.”
“Certainly write at length, but meanwhile wire all important results in
condensed form.--Sagittarius.”
“Results not sufficiently important to wire, letter without fail
to-morrow.--Vivian.”
“Never mind unimportance, wire whatever results obtained.--Sagittarius.”
“On consideration think results too important to wire, will explain by
letter.--Vivian.”
“Your second and third wires in direct contradiction; kindly reconcile
opposing statements.--Sagittarius.”
“Cannot reconcile by wire, will do so by letter.--Vivian.”
“Then meanwhile request forecast of grandmother so far as gathered last
night.--Sagittarius.”
“Quite impossible discuss grandmother by wire.--Vivian.”
“Not at all; couch in careful terms, shall understand; no need put
grandmother’s name.--Sagittarius.”
“Quite impossible; grandmother too sacred for treatment by wire, long
and full letter to-morrow.--Vivian.”
“Absurd! Call her Harry and wire her future as obtained last night;
shall understand.--Sagittarius.”
“Cannot possibly consent call grandmother Harry; pray cease;
succession of telegraph boys to house attracting general attention in
square.--Vivian.”
“Must insist; then call her Susan and wire.--Sagittarius.”
“Cannot possibly consent to call her Susan; discussion of such matter by
wire not decent; regret must absolutely decline.--Vivian.”
“Madame and self insulted by accusation not decent; demand explanation
and apology.--Sagittarius.”
“Regret; no desire give pain to lady, but this must cease; grandmother
and square seriously upset by procession of telegraph boys.--Vivian.”
“Cannot help square and grandmother; must have last night’s result
to compare with own observation of grandmother with crab and
scorpion.--Sagittarius.”
“Pray cease; would rather die than discuss grandmother with crab and
scorpion by wire.--Vivian.”
“Rubbish! Call crab Susan, scorpion Jane, grandmother Harry, and wire;
absolutely insist.--Sagittarius.”
“Absolutely decline discuss crab, scorpion and grandmother by wire;
final.--Vivian.
“Scandalous! not behaviour of gentleman; Madame cut to heart;
infamous.--Sagittarius.”
“Mater familiaris pallidibus ira.--Madame Sagittarius.”
“If receive no reply as to grandmother and crab, et cetera, shall start
at once for Square.--Jupiter and Madame Sagittarius.”
“On no account trouble come up; going out immediately; important
engagement.--Vivian.”
“Madame putting on boots.--Sagittarius.”
“Utterly useless put on boots; leaving house.--Vivian.”
“Madame boots on; tying bonnet.--Sagittarius.”
“Totally useless tie bonnet; absolutely forced leave house.--Vivian.”
“Madame in pelisse; shall come in wait till your return.--Sagittarius.”
“Regret pelisse; quite useless; out till late evening.--Vivian.”
“Shall stay till whatever hour; have on hat and bonnet now;
starting.--Jupiter and Madame Sagittarius.”
“For Heaven’s sake don’t; will wire whatever you wish.--Vivian.”
“Don’t. Ankles perhaps catching; dangerous Capricornus.--Vivian.”
“Have you started?--Vivian.”
“Have not started, but at threshold of door; wire full explanation
of crab with grandmother, et cetera, last night or shall start
instanter.--Jupiter and Madame Sagittarius.”
“Truth is very little result last night; did not see crab with
grandmother; deeply regret.--Vivian.”
“Then wire result of scorpion with grandmother.--Sagittarius.”
“Very sorry did not see scorpion with grandmother.--Vivian.”
“Impossible; believe stars out; clear sky; self and Madame
distinctly observed crab and scorpion with grandmother for four
hours.--Sagittarius.”
“On honour did not see crab, scorpion or grandmother.--Vivian.”
“Then has grandmother passed over?--Sagittarius.”
“Certainly not, but no result; pray cease discussion, grandmother and
square distracted by incessant uproar of boys at door.--Vivian.”
“Leaving house; with you as soon as possible.--Jupiter and Madame
Sagittarius.”
“Heaven’s sake don’t; tell truth; did not look through telescope at all
last night.--Vivian.”
“What meaning of this swore oath broken; no gentleman; coming at once
for explanation.--Jupiter and Madame Sagittarius.”
“Stop; sending boy messenger with full explanation; severe accident
last night, injured head, so unable look for crab, grandmother and
scorpion.--Vivian.”
“Astounded, upset, Madame says not conduct gentleman; might have seen
crab, grandmother and scorpion with injured head; mere excuse--caput
mortuus decrepitum cancer.--Sagittarius.”
“Pray excuse; look to-night without fail; Heaven’s sake cease writing;
grandmother and whole square amazement, confusion; shall go mad if
continues.--Vivian.”
“Very well, but insist on full letter; confidence in oath much
shaken; wires most shifty; gross neglect of crab, grandmother and
scorpion.--Sagittarius.”
“Homo miserum sed magnum est veritatus et praevalebetur.--Madame
Sagittarius.”